I don’t like today, and want to restart it so it’s better somehow.

Blech. So congested. I really don't like breathing through my mouth. I cooked roasted brussel sprouts and Japanese curry. OMG. Constant nose dribble. I think some snot got into my food, got on the floor, got on the sink. Hard to wipe your nose while you are chopping up vegetables or handling hot pans.

Being awake this late brings out all my emotions.

I feel nervous about my next appointment, even though I know logically that it wasn't a big deal. I turned up last week thinking I had an appointment, and she told me I didn't. I felt like the biggest dickhead. It's a bit of a drive. Every time I go, I feel out of place and inadequate in the area. It's a rich, or well off area of the city. I get really self-conscious. So the effort my mind goes through in preparation for it felt like it was for nothing, and I hated myself for putting myself through that. And also proving that I'm an unorganised idiot. She'll try to take some blame off me for the sake of me not being as hard on myself, but its very clearly my fault. I've done it a bunch of times in the past.


I'm also behind on my reading schedule I set out for myself. I haven't been reading at a pace I would like to. Even though I'm enjoying it when I do read, I don't have the attention span or motivation. Which frustrates and disappoints me.

The futility of things I've wasted so much time on and what I want to spend my time on moving forward. What does a satisfying life look like to me and if it's even possible for me to be present enough to feel any benefits. It's not how things look, it's how they feel. I still struggle so much with dissociation it's hard to imagine life feeling worth all this trouble.

Let's just face it: I have bad nerves and my anxiety is bad than what I first believed. My 2nd day at the gym today this month was bad. My 1st was awful.



EDIT: I had second thoughts about writing about my anxiety.

My back. I'm not sure if it's from shoveling snow or from stress.

Almost forgot that my dad's birthday is coming up. I'm not looking forward to it.

Just sitting alone in my room, while the world is oblivious to my existence. I feel so alone. I'm also probably going to have to go to a funeral this week.

So sick of winter and snow. Every freakin day it snows here. Snow piles everywhere that probably will still be around for months to come. I live in such a bleak, depressing and miserable place. And it isn’t just because of winter...everything about this city sucks.

My job is pointless and my office is full of mostly miserable people which makes me even more anxious and worse than I already am.

I usually like getting quotes but I'm going to post this one here.

I see no point in me having an online life anymore.

Still barely have a social life in real life and my job isn't giving me a fair amount of hours. They treat me poorly up there. Hopefully my hours go back up again. It's not even worth walking to work with the little bit of money I got paid Friday.

And my paranoia is still ongoing. I feel like I'm getting picked on at my job. One girl told me I look tired the other day so I sarcastically said thanks to her. Then she said I'm tired, too. Think she caught on to my sarcasm.

Oh, and the usual of no one wanting me. I always seem to be kind of rude to guys I want to talk to me cause don't want to give them the wrong idea that I'm the one being flirtatious. They always seem rude to me anyways. Never say excuse me to me or how I'm doing. It's just whatever. I think I'll be lonely for a long time.

I keep having these weird circles in my life where I will sort of start to crawl out of whatever pit I've been in and kind of start getting some kind of reasonable order to my existence. My moods will improve. My focus and concentration will get significantly better. My mind starts feeling like it wants to expand itself. And then boom. Something goes off the rails and everything is suddenly chaos again and I feel unmotivated and lost and hopeless.

Today has just been one of those days where I just can't even grasp the circumstances and the "big picture" sort of perspective that I can sometimes easily visualize. I need that to be able to think in any sort of a constructive fashion. Like even if there is absolutely no way out and I'm going to hit a wall, I need to see that coming before it happens. I can't afford to have those long periods of just being completely bewildered and incoherent.

I had this odd moment about an hour ago where I just thought to myself "WTF am I going to do with myself? Like seriously. I am so screwed I don't even know where to start."

So many dark and empty, winding corridors in this vapid brain and none of them go anywhere. They all just abruptly end unceremoniously with a big sign that says "What? You're surprised again?"

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrr
Ginstel riebun munchennnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!
Rrrrrrrrrrraffleshaffle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure if I'm a nihilistic misanthrope or a misanthropic nihilist.

I notice for the past three weeks that there's a social sequence happening to me multitaneously.


1. Shelter case manager on Feb 13, 2019 said that she will be absent on Feb 14, 2019, and she will return on Feb 15, 2019 to send the residential letter to the Cuny College Employee through email.

2. On Feb 16, 2019 I ended up with a flu that last a week.

3. I ask the Cuny College Employee on Feb 19, 2019 if he received the residential letter from my case manager to confirm living address and waive college fee application, and he said no.

4. On Feb 21, 2019 my mother called the case manager asking her if she sent residential letter to the Cuny Employee, but she said that she lost the paper.

5. On Feb 26, 2019 the shelter's employment specialist left an appointment paper for me to sign in the front desk about job fair, knowing that the next following day I have to see the case manager for an appointment.

6. On Feb 27, 2019 I ended up going up to the college admissions office, and the first employee that I saw wasn't able to interpret my response properly. The next employee said that since my application isn't in even though my information is in the college record, I can't attend college for Spring Semester 2019. The front desk shelter supervisor question me that I need to go downstairs to see the employment specialist, but my mother said that the employment specialist and case manager prevented me from going to college and my mother told me not to go downstairs to see the employment specialist. My mother also told me that the employment specialist called her phone yelling at her saying where I'm at, and this was before we arrived at the shelter. Twelve minutes later the employment specialist and the security guard showed up in front of my shelter unit, and he just keeps saying over and over job fair and computer fields. I've specifically asked the employment specialist that the last time he spoke to me was during Jan, 16, 2019, and why it took him so long to make contact with me again. I also said to the employment specialist, why did he gave me the appointment job fair paper to sign on Feb 26, 2019, knowing that I have to see the case manager on Feb 27, 2019, and he wanted to see the appointment paper for himself. So, the employment specialist snatch the paper out of my hand when he saw the appointment paper said Feb 26, 2019 and knowing that my response match the description.

7. On Feb 28, 2019 my mother, my sister, and I ended up running into the case manager outside the shelter during the morning time.



I've learned the sequences reacts accordingly to how I write online about my ideas.

The fact that I've been applying to jobs in and around my area. This has even included locations for which I don't consider ideal as far as commute goes.

I'm rattling my head as to what I'm doing wrong or not well enough of.

As far as I could tell, my resume is dandy fine based on previous feedback. I've never questioned it.

I find it hard to believe there aren't more entry-level jobs than senior/junior roles. Just wow.

.

March has not been starting off well for me at all. I feel stressed.

My teeth hurt. Either I'm doing the grind or my sinuses are acting up or both.

People who lack empathy or gratitude