I feel so shtewpid. I got a crush on this guy who did one days contracting at my workplace. It was my part of my job to liaise with him....but even he ghosted me on emails! No matter who I find attractive - they'll always ghost me. Even work people!!! I had a crush on him for too long, because he ghosted me ages ago. I hate how I have to be attracted to ghosters.
I thought about applying to this Amazon warehouse job that's supposed to be opening sorta close to my old town. Seens like it would be an okay job to get but then my sister told me they dont treat their workers great. I want a job that gives me respect but sadly I'd have to work for a small company with low pay to get respect. So it's either take job security with decent money and no respect from coworkers or take respect from coworkers with no job security and crap pay.
Can't concentrate, no interest in reading. Everything I write is stilted and embarrassing. Feels like brain is dissolving into mush. Body too is losing its health and equilibrium. Just want to binge game to lose all touch with reality. That or actually sleep well. Posted via Mobile Device
About a year and a half ago, I was given a 2-yr long job assignment to work in another region about a few hundred miles away and will be given full housing reimbursement by work. Despite it being temporary, the 2 years would've been much less stressful since I wouldn't be in a living situation being under my mom's thumb. It would've been a very nice getaway in a sense as I would've just flat out cut contact from her for that stretch. Something I have been looking forward to and something that kind of kept me going for the past year and a half.
Covid delayed that inevitably, as the pandemic started about a few weeks before the job assignment would've started. At this point, I am not even sure if that would even happened after the pandemic. Although my boss have repeatedly stressed that assignment is signed with the client and will happened one way or another, just delayed. Problem is, if it gets delayed for another year or two, my dog will probably be the age where I am not comfortable at all with her moving with me. Meanwhile I would not want her final years to not be living with me. In that case, I might have to just turn down the job assignment if it comes to that. Aside from that, with each passing time, there will also be uncertainties that might come up. A constant theme of my life. And that could prevent me from going as well by then. That said, the past few years where I just keep myself going and going just for a little bit, day by day, week by week, month by month, it would've all been pointless. Potentially it would all ended up being too good to be true. Which is also another constant theme of my life.
What goes up, will inevitably come back down. Whoever you have to step on when you go up, you will be at their mercy when you go down.
The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.
Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
I've felt terrible all day was also feeling bad most of yesterday. A lot of the time I can't even describe in words the cluster****. I don't know what that is alexithymia maybe probably not though. And of course I sort of feel bad most of the time so it's really just another shade of bad.
Floundering attempts at making some sort of sense
Striving for significance - In a universe that will not give a ****
The myth of Sisyphus
Authenticity is important, but I'm not sure who I am anymore
I'm at the point now where I'm also doubting who I was before
The arbitrary nature of thought leaves me alone and paranoid
Synonyms for a void
Nobody belongs, time brings invalidation.
Find selfish solace in mutual trepidation
The absurd condition of human existence - a struggle to embrace
I do not get the point that I am supposed to miss
The passive submission or preferred resistance - just give me breathing space
The meaning I used to find - overanalyzed, displaced.
Dispense your goals and actions into something trivial
Pick apart pointless projects, my brain sings with vitriol
I don't reflect, I destroy with thinking
The examined life is not worth living
Look at my sad life in detail and you'll see it is a comedy
Sometimes I wish I was a goat
Originally Posted by YouTube comment
Yet another man lost to irony poisoning, cynicism, hyper-self awareness and the inability to be sincere.
Had a 2 hour conversation with a developer on another team. Basically she's telling me I should be altering code that doesn't work properly - code that she gave me in the first place, that runs on a database we don't even use. It was like talking to a brick wall and to be honest we were both becoming btchy at each other in Webex text lol.
But it bothers me how unhelpful , wrong and downright ignorant some people can be.
There's a third world, the world of objective contents of thoughts. Teilhard de Chardin calls this third world the "Neurosphere", that is, the world of the mind.
I guess I've pretty much returned to that state where on the surface everything is just kind of ~going~, but inside there's this small tiny candle flame of suicidal ideation that refuses to die out. It's not big but it's there. A part of me is always wishing I was dead. No matter what I do, I'm an alien, in this world and in my own skin.
"How could you tell if your instincts were just hope in disguise, and if your hope was really desperation parading as possibility?" ~Laini Taylor
Snowing....again. It’s going to be well into spring before this all melts. Dark and gloomy all of the time also. Starting to take a toll on me and make my already bad anxiety even worse. Actually have a fair amount of work to do but unmotivated and just feeling so down.
wish i had ppl im just open with but i dont get along with most ppl. the only friend i used to chat with hasnt talked in weeks. Im sticking to my tit42tat method tho. ive already defected once (by talking about my stuff last time we talked), so now i have to wait for her to reciprocate or use my second defection option, but i dont feel like using it yet. i only want to vent to her if she likes venting to me. whenever she stops, i will too.
i could respond to some Slowly letters, but im so bored and not really in letter writing mode. also it gets harder with every letter as i run out of interesting topics.
It's like people sense my cynical nature and perhaps desperation at some points.
No matter what, whether in real life or online, no one wants to maintain any sort of interaction with me aside from one or two interactions. IRL, people can approach me (not me initiating it) and then never call or text. Online on various support sites, someone could message me and I would respond and then nothing more after that.
I never really initiate conversation anymore but when approached, I try my best effort to relate to the person and keep a conversation going but it never pans out.
Cold hard truth is that I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm not worth the effort to talk to and people sense that about me almost immediately no matter the medium of interaction online or in person.
I shouldn't keep being surprised by this fact. I post about it a lot on here as of late but I'm not meant for relationships. I'm not meant for people.
We haven't lived in anything remotely close to "real" since the turn of the century.
Really on edge right now, anxiety is constant...can feel it in my body. Can’t deal with anything right now...big or small. Proof positive is a minor work issue I am having is causing me a great deal of stress...partly due to being ignored by IT when I asked for help. It is hard enough for me to focus already and now...it is just brutal. I feel like things are about to get worse also.
Well I had to report the guy's picture on FB. Doubt that will do anything. He said some messed up things talking about how he wanted to pour salsa on the dead cat and he said he likes seeing dead things. 🤢 Jesus christ. That's a red flag. What kind of guy was I dating? I never knew he was disturbed, went on 2 dates with him and that was pretty much it. Surprised the picture wasnt even deleted.