I need to stop coming to SAS.
It felt wrong 5 years ago, and it feels no better now.
Like some weird alt universe where instead of never talking I just randomly share everything, and no one relates to anything. So, you're left worse off, wishing you just could stop thinking and stop feeling.
I feel too bad and I need to talk though, but talking itself doesn't help if no one validates your feelings. I keep telling myself I'll only post in this thread, because I don't want the vagueness that comes from posting something and wondering if someone would relate to it, or even if it's a topic they're interested in. But then it feels wrong and I want to erase it.
I've spent so much hours writing posts on SAS and then deleting them. I deleted over a 1000 posts just the past month or two because I'm always struggling with desires to erase myself and desires to express stuff, not necessarily whining, but even non emotional stuff, opinions, interests, I don't like the vague state these things exist in the world, where I'm uncertain whether they are real or not. It hurts more if I sometimes feel like I exist in the world, and other people acknowledge that existence, but then I go back to the vaguess and the confusion, and I want to get rid of all the evidence.
My friend is not online now so I can't whine to her, I have to just write here I guess. Wondering if I should try to ruin our friendship since it also eists in that vague state where it doesn't follow the simple rule of me having no one I'm comfortable talking to, so her being the exception also gives me this vague unease about what i say.
I wonder what would happen if I just give myeslf permission to whine, as much as I can, instead of trying so hard to control it. I know whining is extremely abusive, but if I whine in this thread, am I abusing anyone? no. I guess all I have to do is not violate the forum rules and I can whine. And I can put spoilers if the posts get too long so it wouldn't bother people scrolling by.
I don't hate myself. I refuse, perfusely, to do that. Even if I'm shown all the evidence that tells that I shouldn't be liked by other people. I don't have an option of being anyone else. This mind, this personality, this body, this is all I have, I can't avoid myself. I'm not trying to erase myself because I hate her, I erase myself because I have doubts about whether I'm real or not, and I don't like seeing evidence pointing out that I'm real and of certain characteristics because that doesn't feel true to me.
I want to think of things that can make me feel a little better. The last pair of earphones I had that I used to sleep with are not working anymore, so sleeping feels a lot scarier now. I can use the big headphones but they hurt my ears and I can break them if I fall asleep with them still on.
I tried not to draw today. I only drew a little thing, a redrawing of an old thing I found of two people hugging, I wanted to post it in the sexy picture thread, but it's too childish, and I often regress when I think of intimacy and all the other pics in the thread are just grown un stuff and i'm very small now.
i'm crying and i know i'm in a regressed state right now and if i talk out loud i'd sound like a 10 year old, but i don't want to stop writing because i have a lot of feelings that i don't know how to handle and writing them here seems like the least offensive thing i can do to the universe and not asserting any kind of existence since whining here isn't abusive because i'm not asking other people's help so it's not abusive to just get out your emotions so they don't suffocate you.
I started this section by saying I wanted to think of things that would make me feel a little better, and maybe it's audiobooks. I used to listen to a children's fantasy novel that made me able to sleep some months ago, but I seem to have lost interest and can't find new interesting audiobooks that can soothe me to sleep.
This account keeps feeling more and more like a throwaway account, and maybe I just have to embrace that, and dissociate myself from whatever cringe I post here. It doesn't really matter how sane and rational I try to be, it's all an act anyway. So, why even bother? I know I'm unlikable + I'm finding it super hard to suppress my 'crazy person' vibes anyway. I guess I should just embrace the fact that I maybe going insane? like in a literal sense? I know the identity skepticism stuff isn't an act, so I know I'm at least somewhat a little insane technically.
I guess whining and crying does make you feel a little better. I'm not writing this as a post though. I'm hyperfocused on the fact that no one will quote this + throwaway account thing, so I'm in my journaling state of mind now. I do that sometimes in posts, but I often edit it a bit to reduce the amount or extent of the whining or make it a little less cringe or a little more readable. I won't do that here since I'm tired of self-censorship.
I don't think I intend for this post to be read, I just wanted my brain to be under the illusion that it's possible, so it would give me something a little more comprehensible than plain gibberish.
I want to repeat a piece of wisdom I mentioned in somewhere and want to repeat in case there is some one reading this, or just because I want to end this on something my brain can latch on to: don't hate yourself, because you can't avoid yourself, you're stuck in this body, this mind, this personality. Hating you (or even simply not caring about you) is a luxury only other people can afford, since they don't have to live the pains and frustrations of this entity you call yourself.
I guess I'm too tired to scan this, but since I wasted an hour or so drawing it, might as well put it here for completeness.
(I'm obviously bluehair if it's not apparent, minus the cuteness of course).
I used to love reading Mickey mouse / Donald duck comics when I was young. There are a few comics that were very emotional for me. One I often think about is this:
Mickey, Goofy and all some other characters are good people. Pete was often the bad guy. In this episode, he was fighting with Mickey over some laserbeam that turned anyone who was struck with it to a child again. There was some scuffle between Mickey and Pete and Pete got accidently hit by the laser and was turned into a baby. Mickey then had a few weeks to "raise baby Pete" as a good guy, since the effect of the laser wore off in that time. He kept trying to give the child these positive experiences, teaching him coo lthings, art, driving, etc. And he had help from the "good" friends, but they all got frustrated one after the other, because Pete was a "bad" kid and kept doing naughty stuff in his sped up growing up thing he was going through.
The ending was quite heartbreaking I think. Mickey realized Pete's mind never turned into a child, it was just his body and he was just going along with Mickey trying to rehabilitate him (brainwash from his perspective). Anyway, after Mickey and friends won the day, Mickey was kind of low because he'd invested so much in rehabilitating small Pete and it was all for nothing. Then, Goofy told him something that I've never really forgotten: "you know who your real friends are."
The sentence broke my heart as a child and it still does now and I often thin of it. Since all my interactions with other people in the world is like Mickey and Pete, we exist in completely different realitites (not good and evil, that's not the part I mean, just different). Mickey thought little Pete was his little brother but he was secretly making fun of him and plotting to hurt him emotionally in the end.
My problem with Goofy's comment is ... well. I don't have a Goofy as a friend, never had. I never knew who my "real friends" are, the ones that appear with me on every episode of my life's comics and are consistently around to ground me when I'm uncertain.
Kind of a long and weird story to make a small point, but my mind kind of works this way, and it is bothering me, so it goes in this post. Also, I'm removing the spoilers. I'm tired of trying to hide my regressive emotional outbursts, or my posts in general. This isn't an off-topic rant, it's pretty on topic "What's bothering me right now?" pretty much every word I've written here is bothering me. I didn't do anything wrong or against the rules to hide.
( 8 )
Also, random stuff bothering me now: was listening to old songs I used to like, and I feel angry because I remember someone making fun of guitar riffs I liked when I shared a certain song. I think I'm going to listen to more doom like stuff again even if it's not considered good music by other people.
Drawing stuff at work instead of working.
her hands are too long though, pretty bad drawing honestly.