(No Quoting, Only Venting) What’s Bothering You Right Now? - Page 124 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #2461 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 07:53 PM
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post #2462 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 09:03 PM
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post #2463 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 08:19 AM
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I hate it when annoying people, especially at work try to bring me into some clique in order to manipulate me or turn me against other people that I otherwise get along with, and then literally act surprised or offended when I double down and resist their bs. Like *****, do u really think I’m that dumb and you’re that special that I need your approval or even anything to do with you? Get over yourself.
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post #2464 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 02:35 PM
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So I was at Dollar General trying to pay for my stuff with my gift card and the girl said it wasnt scanning so I awkwardly asked her why. She said there wasnt anything on it and I told her I got it as a gift and that it should have something on it unless Im just dumb. I asked for the gift card back and it looked like she hesitated to give it back to me. I legit told her she could just throw it away cause I thought there wasnt anything on it since she said that. I dont know why I said to throw it away. Made no sensevfor me to say that. I know my mother didnt steal the gift card so I'm not sure why it seems like she thought I did or maybe she didnt. Doesnt make sense that you can steal a gift card anyways. It even had the numbers 25 on the gift card in a fat marker. To me it just seems like if she rung up everything then I tell her I want to use the gift card that should mean I'm paying for it with the gift card not my debit card cause she rung it all up before I told her I'm using the gift card. I told her I'm sorry but she didnt seem like she cared for my apology that much. She then tried to say that she thought I was putting money on it after I used my debit card. So I dont know what was going on. Guess it was just some confusion. I dont see how there wasnt anything on the gift card though. That doesnt make sense to me. So I just paid for everything with my debit card. lol I was slightly embarrassed since there was a guy standing behind me. Oh well.
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post #2465 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 03:34 PM
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A literal coup attempt on the government by conspiracy nuts.
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post #2466 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 05:33 PM
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about to have a nervous breakdown again. this is too much.

more issues than vogue
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post #2467 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 06:05 PM
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Having a bad night tonight. Currently listening to some old spotify playlists to get some feeling back. It helps a little.

I wish the world wasn't so ****ed up. I wish we didn't have to fight and fight endlessly for a better world. Perhaps it's only right that we get swept away by the climate apocalypse. I just feel bad that all the other animals have to suffer too. And some cool people out there. And babies that have yet to be born. I don't know if we're evil or good or at some specific point in between, but one thing I'm certain of is that we're far too ****ing stupid.

I wish I could do something more meaningful in this life. My dad is a psychotherapist, my mom is a nurse. I envy them both. And I wish I could shake this SA monkey off my back. It still dictates my life. Maybe it always will. I believe it always will in some select ways. I already bowed down to it a long time ago and accepted it, or parts of it. I guess it was just easier that way. But nothing is really easy and everything has a cost.


"How could you tell if your instincts were just hope in disguise, and if your hope was really desperation parading as possibility?" ~Laini Taylor
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post #2468 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 08:15 PM
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post #2469 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-10-2021, 02:48 AM
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It really bothers me sometimes that I can get so upset or angry about a damn TV show. Not that it's badly made or poorly written - actually angry at the characters themselves enough so that it seriously affects me.

In many ways it's probably sensible that my personal interactions are fairly limited in real life - even though it's not what I want.
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post #2470 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-10-2021, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurplePeopleEater View Post
So I was at Dollar General trying to pay for my stuff with my gift card and the girl said it wasnt scanning so I awkwardly asked her why. She said there wasnt anything on it and I told her I got it as a gift and that it should have something on it unless Im just dumb. I asked for the gift card back and it looked like she hesitated to give it back to me. I legit told her she could just throw it away cause I thought there wasnt anything on it since she said that. I dont know why I said to throw it away. Made no sensevfor me to say that. I know my mother didnt steal the gift card so I'm not sure why it seems like she thought I did or maybe she didnt. Doesnt make sense that you can steal a gift card anyways. It even had the numbers 25 on the gift card in a fat marker. To me it just seems like if she rung up everything then I tell her I want to use the gift card that should mean I'm paying for it with the gift card not my debit card cause she rung it all up before I told her I'm using the gift card. I told her I'm sorry but she didnt seem like she cared for my apology that much. She then tried to say that she thought I was putting money on it after I used my debit card. So I dont know what was going on. Guess it was just some confusion. I dont see how there wasnt anything on the gift card though. That doesnt make sense to me. So I just paid for everything with my debit card. lol I was slightly embarrassed since there was a guy standing behind me. Oh well.
Found out that girl might have been trying to steal my gift card. She kind of backed away at first when I asked her for the gift card back so it would make sense if she did. She acted kind of weird. :/
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post #2471 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-10-2021, 12:30 PM
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I need a hobby and some kind of physical activity/exercise..very out of shape and feeling gross.
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post #2472 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-10-2021, 04:33 PM
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post #2473 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-12-2021, 02:37 PM
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tuesday was riddled with anxiety. stayed in my room. restless. know walking or seeing friend helps, but can't do the actions to seek out a better state of mind. paralyzed.

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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post #2474 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-12-2021, 02:53 PM
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13/1/2021


I need to stop coming to SAS.

It felt wrong 5 years ago, and it feels no better now.

Like some weird alt universe where instead of never talking I just randomly share everything, and no one relates to anything. So, you're left worse off, wishing you just could stop thinking and stop feeling.

---


(1)

I feel too bad and I need to talk though, but talking itself doesn't help if no one validates your feelings. I keep telling myself I'll only post in this thread, because I don't want the vagueness that comes from posting something and wondering if someone would relate to it, or even if it's a topic they're interested in. But then it feels wrong and I want to erase it.

I've spent so much hours writing posts on SAS and then deleting them. I deleted over a 1000 posts just the past month or two because I'm always struggling with desires to erase myself and desires to express stuff, not necessarily whining, but even non emotional stuff, opinions, interests, I don't like the vague state these things exist in the world, where I'm uncertain whether they are real or not. It hurts more if I sometimes feel like I exist in the world, and other people acknowledge that existence, but then I go back to the vaguess and the confusion, and I want to get rid of all the evidence.

My friend is not online now so I can't whine to her, I have to just write here I guess. Wondering if I should try to ruin our friendship since it also eists in that vague state where it doesn't follow the simple rule of me having no one I'm comfortable talking to, so her being the exception also gives me this vague unease about what i say.

I wonder what would happen if I just give myeslf permission to whine, as much as I can, instead of trying so hard to control it. I know whining is extremely abusive, but if I whine in this thread, am I abusing anyone? no. I guess all I have to do is not violate the forum rules and I can whine. And I can put spoilers if the posts get too long so it wouldn't bother people scrolling by.

I don't hate myself. I refuse, perfusely, to do that. Even if I'm shown all the evidence that tells that I shouldn't be liked by other people. I don't have an option of being anyone else. This mind, this personality, this body, this is all I have, I can't avoid myself. I'm not trying to erase myself because I hate her, I erase myself because I have doubts about whether I'm real or not, and I don't like seeing evidence pointing out that I'm real and of certain characteristics because that doesn't feel true to me.

---

(2)

I want to think of things that can make me feel a little better. The last pair of earphones I had that I used to sleep with are not working anymore, so sleeping feels a lot scarier now. I can use the big headphones but they hurt my ears and I can break them if I fall asleep with them still on.

I tried not to draw today. I only drew a little thing, a redrawing of an old thing I found of two people hugging, I wanted to post it in the sexy picture thread, but it's too childish, and I often regress when I think of intimacy and all the other pics in the thread are just grown un stuff and i'm very small now.

i'm crying and i know i'm in a regressed state right now and if i talk out loud i'd sound like a 10 year old, but i don't want to stop writing because i have a lot of feelings that i don't know how to handle and writing them here seems like the least offensive thing i can do to the universe and not asserting any kind of existence since whining here isn't abusive because i'm not asking other people's help so it's not abusive to just get out your emotions so they don't suffocate you.

I started this section by saying I wanted to think of things that would make me feel a little better, and maybe it's audiobooks. I used to listen to a children's fantasy novel that made me able to sleep some months ago, but I seem to have lost interest and can't find new interesting audiobooks that can soothe me to sleep.

(3)

This account keeps feeling more and more like a throwaway account, and maybe I just have to embrace that, and dissociate myself from whatever cringe I post here. It doesn't really matter how sane and rational I try to be, it's all an act anyway. So, why even bother? I know I'm unlikable + I'm finding it super hard to suppress my 'crazy person' vibes anyway. I guess I should just embrace the fact that I maybe going insane? like in a literal sense? I know the identity skepticism stuff isn't an act, so I know I'm at least somewhat a little insane technically.

(4)

I guess whining and crying does make you feel a little better. I'm not writing this as a post though. I'm hyperfocused on the fact that no one will quote this + throwaway account thing, so I'm in my journaling state of mind now. I do that sometimes in posts, but I often edit it a bit to reduce the amount or extent of the whining or make it a little less cringe or a little more readable. I won't do that here since I'm tired of self-censorship.

I don't think I intend for this post to be read, I just wanted my brain to be under the illusion that it's possible, so it would give me something a little more comprehensible than plain gibberish.

(5)

I want to repeat a piece of wisdom I mentioned in somewhere and want to repeat in case there is some one reading this, or just because I want to end this on something my brain can latch on to: don't hate yourself, because you can't avoid yourself, you're stuck in this body, this mind, this personality. Hating you (or even simply not caring about you) is a luxury only other people can afford, since they don't have to live the pains and frustrations of this entity you call yourself.

(6)

I guess I'm too tired to scan this, but since I wasted an hour or so drawing it, might as well put it here for completeness.



(I'm obviously bluehair if it's not apparent, minus the cuteness of course).

(7)

I used to love reading Mickey mouse / Donald duck comics when I was young. There are a few comics that were very emotional for me. One I often think about is this:

Mickey, Goofy and all some other characters are good people. Pete was often the bad guy. In this episode, he was fighting with Mickey over some laserbeam that turned anyone who was struck with it to a child again. There was some scuffle between Mickey and Pete and Pete got accidently hit by the laser and was turned into a baby. Mickey then had a few weeks to "raise baby Pete" as a good guy, since the effect of the laser wore off in that time. He kept trying to give the child these positive experiences, teaching him coo lthings, art, driving, etc. And he had help from the "good" friends, but they all got frustrated one after the other, because Pete was a "bad" kid and kept doing naughty stuff in his sped up growing up thing he was going through.

The ending was quite heartbreaking I think. Mickey realized Pete's mind never turned into a child, it was just his body and he was just going along with Mickey trying to rehabilitate him (brainwash from his perspective). Anyway, after Mickey and friends won the day, Mickey was kind of low because he'd invested so much in rehabilitating small Pete and it was all for nothing. Then, Goofy told him something that I've never really forgotten: "you know who your real friends are."

The sentence broke my heart as a child and it still does now and I often thin of it. Since all my interactions with other people in the world is like Mickey and Pete, we exist in completely different realitites (not good and evil, that's not the part I mean, just different). Mickey thought little Pete was his little brother but he was secretly making fun of him and plotting to hurt him emotionally in the end.

My problem with Goofy's comment is ... well. I don't have a Goofy as a friend, never had. I never knew who my "real friends" are, the ones that appear with me on every episode of my life's comics and are consistently around to ground me when I'm uncertain.

Kind of a long and weird story to make a small point, but my mind kind of works this way, and it is bothering me, so it goes in this post. Also, I'm removing the spoilers. I'm tired of trying to hide my regressive emotional outbursts, or my posts in general. This isn't an off-topic rant, it's pretty on topic "What's bothering me right now?" pretty much every word I've written here is bothering me. I didn't do anything wrong or against the rules to hide.

( 8 )

Also, random stuff bothering me now: was listening to old songs I used to like, and I feel angry because I remember someone making fun of guitar riffs I liked when I shared a certain song. I think I'm going to listen to more doom like stuff again even if it's not considered good music by other people.

https://youtu.be/Bbmc_Iet9Xg

(9)

Drawing stuff at work instead of working.

 




her hands are too long though, pretty bad drawing honestly.

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post #2475 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-12-2021, 05:43 PM
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post #2476 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-13-2021, 02:12 PM
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I have spent years and years and years trying to work an unworkable mental puzzle and frustrating myself all to hell turning it over and over and over in my mind and looking at it from every conceivable angle (And eventually, looking at the same angles over and over again and realizing they're the same angles and nothing is changing and they all go to the same dead end as they did yesterday). Each and every day for years this is going on either in the background or somewhere in the midground or it is dominating my mind as I am rapidly fading into sleep.

I wake up every day still tired from the exhaustion of all of the mental energy I spent on it yesterday and the day before and the day before that. And I always tell myself on each "new day" (meaning whenever I wake up whether that be 5 AM or 8 PM of 2 AM) that I have plenty of time and I should probably just get my mind off of things for a while and take a fresh look at it. But by the time half the "day" is gone, I'm starting to feel the desperation and the sense of urgency and the panic at the knowledge of how much time has gone by with no feasible solutions again and knowing that I am never going to solve this and the inevitability of it all really is hunting me down with every second that ticks by.

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post #2477 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-13-2021, 03:40 PM
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14/1

Tried to edit into the first post, but it exceeded the limit. I guess it's almost midnight anyway, so I'll write in tomorrow's post.

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13/1/2021


Drawing stuff at work instead of working.

This one's a little better I think. I guess I'm just drawing soothing hugs from now on.



I still prefer the first one though where he's more clingy ... I'm also not sure if they're partners. I kind of cringe at these typical cutsie relationship depictions (I just realize that now that I've drawn this one). I guess I've drawn a bunch before, and it kind of feels the same as depictions that are more typical, where the man is masculine and the girl is feminine. I mean I can draw the guy androgenous and but he still feels like a guy in a typical relationship in this drawing, which is why I prefer the first where it's not clear what their relationship is, other than her being his protector (his older sister maybe, that also works, or maybe just friends in danger together for some reaons).

In the original of the first drawing, they look even younger. I tried to make them a little older here but it didn't work that well. This last photo they look more like adults I guess, but it gives me the creepy 'just another cute relationship' vibe which I don't like.

Hm. My need for intimacy is very much mixed up in my mind for this childish need of a protector. I'm pretty sure most people don't feel that way. But I guess most people don't regress when they're emotional either.

I wanted to collect my old drawings where I had people hugging or being intimate, but a lot just kind of annoy me I guess since they're just variations of the one I just posted and I'm not sure I like that feeling. I feel like I draw it because I expect this is what a hug should feel like? I don't know.

This one's probably a good example. It's cute and all, but I can do anything with a hug like that (I don't relate to whatever background this kind of relationship should have).
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Bih...ew?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/17dR...ew?usp=sharing

^ I used to get more likes / attention for drawings like these, so that's part of it I guess, doing anything involving people gets me in this weird Pavlovian loop where I get incentivized to do certain things and I'm never really sure I want them, or just want people to notice me.

These ones feels a little closer to home.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1urO...ew?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/15Pt...ew?usp=sharing

Also, probably relate more to kids in trauma hugging adults or other kids:

heartless mommies
impotent daddies
protective siblings

I guess I could vent more about this, but it's hard for anyone to understand or respect and not make fun of if they don't know how it feels. I guess I have to keep talking about regression though. Since I guess it's one of my main issues. Let's make a list of what's bothering me right now:

1- identity contamination
2- identity / ego / self-existence skepticism
3- regression

Someone here suggested the term lax ego boundaries or something like that (a technical term I guess) for my descriptions of numbers 1 & 2, but I'm super hesitant to either directly adopt that term just because it sounds right, or look it up and contaminate my own understanding of myself with what psychologists write about a certain thing. At least not for now. Also, I really like the term contamination, I don't think I'll find a better metaphor (except it does have some negative connotations, other people's egos being a contaminant, or a disease or something, which isn't something I believe in, hmm, I guess if I could find a similarly powerful term without that connotation it would be better: identity dilution ? maybe. It doesn't work as well though, since "dilution" involves just reduction in concentration by adding something neutral like water, contamination is more like ... there has to be a foreign body, a foreign idea that enters my pschye and it sort of then feels like it's mine.

There's also part of me that's wondering if I'm obsessing with this idea. I didn't use to think about it that much before. I mean I always had a concept of it, but it wasn't like a daily thing I needed to rant about. I donno. Maybe I need to add:

4- weird uncharacteristic OCD behavior

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post #2478 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-13-2021, 04:36 PM
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I feel like I'm too weird/a lost cause for this forum, so it's not supportive at all for me. I know I've been making this forum worse for some people too.

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post #2479 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-13-2021, 09:04 PM
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Trying to hard to forget somebody but it's as if every little thing has a chance of detouring your train of thought back to them. My stupid brain needs to let go.
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post #2480 of 2497 (permalink) Old 01-14-2021, 09:18 AM
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my brain continues to attack me this week. its relentless. please please please just let me function to a reasonable degree.

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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