Insomnia is getting really bad again. I was up half the night last night just lying awake. And I'm pretty sure tonight will be the same. And even when I do fall asleep the bad dreams just wake me up.

How can I be expected to function and succeed in my daily life when I can't sleep?

The way 2020 has been a year where a lot of censorship is going on and we can't say a word because (censored).

Go about your day as per usual, and then just like that, you realize that it's like the demise of the Roman Empire.

Even my sister thinks I'm a no edge boring Nice guy. It still bothers me coming from my sister, cause I don't want even my family knowing I don't have game and swag. I'm the guy who says Hi how are you or asks you about your day, I'm not the guy women argue with, who they fantastize about.

I don't know how much longer I can cope honestly

Still haven't seen my sister's newborn, because she still refuses to talk to me at all all of a sudden since the beginning of the year, for a still mysterious reason.

While family and relatives are now wondering why I still haven't went to see my sister's baby all this time. Thinking it's me who is avoiding doing so. My mom especially is blaming and angered at me for it. Deep down, I am suspecting she caused this.

And according to my brother, my sister has been encouraging my dad travel to go visit her and meet his grand-daughter. But he seems uninterested.

I hate small talk.

Last night I was working on a hard assignment with a small group of classmates with a Discord call. The girl who organized it left really early, and then two of these guys just kept going off on the most random tangents, making small talk about the university, where they lived, their hometowns, blah blah blah blah blah. I finally just left the call because the idiots wouldn't focus. And this seems to be a regular thing with CS students. Like, 'oh, I don't understand the problem we're working on so I'm just going to talk about whatever.' It's so irritating to me because I couldn't care less about their personal lives -- I just want to get the damned assignment done, and sitting around talking about everything BUT the assignment obviously isn't going to get us anywhere!

It's the worst part of group work IMO, both in school and in the workplace -- people just won't focus and always use socialization as an "easy out."

my birthdays coming up in 30 days and I still have never had a girlfriend, and I still am struggling with a job I really don't like, and have yet to secure a job/career that is genuinely satisfying for me and not just a job to survive.

I'm the oil to so many people's water lol.

But I think the world needs it for balance.

What a rotten few days I have had. I don't think I have ever been this miserable and this agitated with everything.

We are locked down again. With an even stricter one probably coming soon. Everything is back to doom and gloom again. And the snow has begun. Snow adds to my misery and sadness. And Christmas decor and music is all over the place. I cannot stand either and not afraid to say so.

If I'm essentially useless and burdensome then why am I still here?

I hate social media. I'm so tempted to just delete my Facebook because I basically never use it.

Recently the cult leader issued a decree for Mormons to take to social media with #GiveThanks posts. I grew up in the cult so most of my "friends" on there are Mormon, mostly people I knew from high school and some extended family. And now my feed is flooded with a ton of religious crap from all of these people, instead of the usual posts from the two groups I'm in and videos I find interesting or funny. It's so aggravating because all of these posts are so distinctively Mormon: fake, hollow and trite cookie-cutter crap. It looks like they've even been given a schedule of what topic to post that they're thankful for on each day, because the same slew of people post basically the same thing every day.

I'm so tempted to counter with my own post about how I'm grateful that I was able to overcome the brainwashing and leave that toxic cult... But my mom would see it and ream me for it.

How do so many girls get girl friends and I still can't? They all act like I'm repulsive. I haven't had one notice or pay me any attention in 15 years. Jesus christ that's a long time. If I havent in that long it's a 99.9 percent chance I never will. All I have for girls anymore is disgust at how awful they can be. Even if I had that 0.1 percent chance of having a girl friend, I'd be the one to always call to hang out like I'm nothing but roadkill to them so there's no point. A lot of things in life are super dull including friendship.

Thats why anything I can do by myself is fun. Solitude is bliss. But friendship would just be hell cause you would feel miserable with one. So they wouldn't even be a friend. It's like a catch 22. Society wants you to pursue friendships only cause it's socially acceptable. Well I've had enough of this socially acceptable bull****. Who comes up with this ****? lol

My life just got a little lot more complicated. In a not good way. ****.

Nice way to have my 'paranoia' being seen as illegitimate when I have fairly good amount of reason to be suspicious. Another words, being gaslighted and (disgustingly) used to the advantage because you know that you can.

click click sit sit click click sit sit. a perfect summary of my day. i'm doing nothing.

Not enough money

I just woke up about an hour ago, and I'm already bored and unmotivated enough to want to go back to sleep.

Usually if one makes jabs while trying to get their point/statement across (mainly political), their argument is worth less of substance because they cannot merit on giving reason for their discussion. Just going to leave it at that.