Narcissistic Co-Worker takes me for a chump - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 04:31 AM Thread Starter
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Narcissistic Co-Worker takes me for a chump


Even if I am more confident than when I entered SAS 9 years ago. I'm not a loud person, I don't boast, don't brag and don't embarrass people. But sometimes I feel like this is the way I should behave to be respected [Staff Edit] Because people still assume that because I'm not outspoken they can walk over me.

So....there is this female co-worker, who I've noticed has a habit of explaining things down to me or asking me to do tasks for her after she has left work...as if I were her intern or something.

[Staff Edit]

But yesterday was ridiculous. I'm not at the hospital. I'm not oncall, yet she calls me to ask me if I can follow up some paper work for her client. I respond by clearly stating. "Im not on duty today" ....yet she still follows up by asking "what about tomorrow" lets call her Royal Pain.

PS there was someone else on duty yesterday, but she wouldn't dare ask him though.

At this point I turned off my phone cuz.. I realized she wasn't getting the hint.


Royal Pain has admitted herself that she doesn't appreciate being disturbed by staff when she is off-duty.....yet somehow believes that it is Ok to disturb me with work when I am off duty.

Weekends are for emergencies only. If this client of hers comes back today....I have half the mind to tell the client to go back to see Royal Queen on Monday and let her fill out the paperwork for you.

Last edited by WillYouStopDave; 09-12-2020 at 02:57 PM. Reason: Unnecessary gender stereotyping removed
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
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How can I let this royal pain know that the same way she doesnt like getting work calls whilst off duty....I don't like being disturbed when Im off duty either ?

[Staff Edit]
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 05:11 AM
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I think you need to stand your ground and show that your time is important. If you're busy and can't do the work, or have somewhere to be after work, let her know you're busy. If you're not sure whether you'll be free the next day, say that you can't promise anything as you don't know. If you don't want to be contacted outside of work hours, don't respond and they'll get the message. Hope that helps

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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 05:36 AM
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This isn't a lady issue, an emotional manipulation issue or a narcissistic issue. This is a boundary issue. You can practice saying in the mirror, something like, 'Please don't call me when I'm not on duty, call whoever is oncall. I won't be answering in the future.' And then don't pick up when she does call.

Edit- I just re-read that you have to answer just in case it's an emergency. Then pickup, ask if it's an emergency, if what they say sounds like it's not an emergency say 'that's not an emergency' and hang up. End of edit.

If she has a comeback, repeat or walk away if you can. If you can't, say ' there's nothing else to say about it' and change the subject or pick up a paper, a book and go do something else. Don't engage in any arguments or further conversation regarding the topic. Simple, straightforward solution, but maybe not easy. This is about learning to assert yourself. Practice saying that and you should be fine.

It's ok for pple to be annoyed, mad, to not like our boundaries. It's all good. All you need to do is assert yourself, then follow through.

Overcoming inertia.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by RSxo View Post
I think you need to stand your ground and show that your time is important. If you're busy and can't do the work, or have somewhere to be after work, let her know you're busy. If you're not sure whether you'll be free the next day, say that you can't promise anything as you don't know. If you don't want to be contacted outside of work hours, don't respond and they'll get the message. Hope that helps <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a>
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Originally Posted by SparklingWater View Post
This isn't a lady issue, an emotional manipulation issue or a narcissistic issue. This is a boundary issue. You can practice saying in the mirror, something like, 'Please don't call me when I'm not on duty, call whoever is oncall. I won't be answering in the future.' And then don't pick up when she does call.

Edit- I just re-read that you have to answer just in case it's an emergency. Then pickup, ask if it's an emergency, if what they say sounds like it's not an emergency say 'that's not an emergency' and hang up. End of edit.

If she has a comeback, repeat or walk away if you can. If you can't, say ' there's nothing else to say about it' and change the subject or pick up a paper, a book and go do something else. Don't engage in any arguments or further conversation regarding the topic. Simple, straightforward solution, but maybe not easy. This is about learning to assert yourself. Practice saying that and you should be fine.

It's ok for pple to be annoyed, mad, to not like our boundaries. It's all good. All you need to do is assert yourself, then follow through.
The problem is....this doesnt always come in voice calls. Sometimes it comes as messages ....

I think I need to set my messenger Apk so that it doesn't show when I'm online. Yep.

Thanks for the advise.
I just....gotta remind myself that I don't have to feel guilty asserting my personal boundaries; even if the person I'm talking to is a woman.

Even if its a random pretty woman, doesn't mean I have to keep doing favours at the expense of my personal time.

You're right...I probably got to look in the mirror and make a mantra.

Mantra: "My personal time is valuable. I don't have to respond to nonessential work calls when I'm off duty."

Mantra 2: I am no longer an intern. I am on the same payscale as everyone else; I dont have to take orders from my equals. It is Ok to say no to an unreasonable request.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 01:10 PM
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You need to do something about it. [Staff Edit]

Be smart with your language and never get upset. As soon as a narcissist realizes they are getting to you and upsetting you, that is like a golden ticket for them to make you look bad. They will assinate your character and try to get you in trouble in order to regain their control of you.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 01:41 PM
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[Staff Edit] you need to stand by your convictions, take responsibility for your life and for your actions, be kind and respectful but with a backbone. You become respected by giving respect and being a man of your word. Like others said you need to assert yourself and your personal boundaries.

[Staff Edit] Don't let her see she's getting to you, she feeds off your doubt and self worth. You can be confident without being a bragger or loud. Make eye contact, take firmly but respectfully and use I statements and let her know next time, you're off duty but you will follow up and you'll let her know. and if she has a problem.

I m afraid of not being enough

Last edited by WillYouStopDave; 09-12-2020 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Unnecessary gender stereotyping removed.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 03:03 PM
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As @SparklingWater said it's not an issue to do with her being female as far as I can see - it just sounds like she's more confident/outspoken than you are (no offence, I know the feeling) and is trying to throw her weight around a bit.

Just have to try and be a bit more assertive - be clear with her like you have been that it's not your job, don't take her calls or answer her texts - especially if your on a day off. Probably pretty hard to be more assertive but will pay off in the end.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 03:19 PM
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Thread warning - Multiple posts have had to be edited due to excessive gender stereotyping. Please try to keep future replies as gender neutral as possible.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SparklingWater View Post
This isn't a lady issue, an emotional manipulation issue or a narcissistic issue. This is a boundary issue. You can practice saying in the mirror, something like, 'Please don't call me when I'm not on duty, call whoever is oncall. I won't be answering in the future.' And then don't pick up when she does call.

Edit- I just re-read that you have to answer just in case it's an emergency. Then pickup, ask if it's an emergency, if what they say sounds like it's not an emergency say 'that's not an emergency' and hang up. End of edit.

If she has a comeback, repeat or walk away if you can. If you can't, say ' there's nothing else to say about it' and change the subject or pick up a paper, a book and go do something else. Don't engage in any arguments or further conversation regarding the topic. Simple, straightforward solution, but maybe not easy. This is about learning to assert yourself. Practice saying that and you should be fine.

It's ok for pple to be annoyed, mad, to not like our boundaries. It's all good. All you need to do is assert yourself, then follow through.
Well said. A lot better than what I was initially going to say.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-15-2020, 02:35 AM Thread Starter
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Wow.....multiple staff edits.... um...how do we continue ?

To be clear, I'm only referring to this particular co-worker.
Im not making a general statement about an entire group. I'm mearly venting about her. This one person.

Obviously the dynamic and the style of (scratches head, bullying?) is different because of the the ...um well...i guess I can't mention it.

Being that outspoken is hard for me....I dunno why some ppl enjoy picking on quiet ppl so much.

I hate...feeling like Im being pushed into saying something rude and or hateful just to assert myself.

Because we all know how narcissists and underhanded ppl work. Nobody intervenes or notices until the person being bullied reacts....then of course its the quiet person's fault for getting angry.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-15-2020, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by VIncymon View Post
How can I let this royal pain know that the same way she doesnt like getting work calls whilst off duty....I don't like being disturbed when Im off duty either ?

[Staff Edit]
Maybe just try and tell her this - and if she keeps calling just don't take her calls, block her or something.

Some people are just bossy boots mate - it would affect me too. I think it's very hard when you're not so outspoken (like I suspect most of us on here are) to speak up. I know I usually find it very difficult. But you'll probably have to at some point - with her and with other people too.
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