A conversation in the S.A.S. chatroom tonight reminded me of a piece of satire I wrote five years ago. It's a satirical news article that expressed my desire to be heartless, because it felt at the time -- and still does, to an extent -- that life would be so much easier that way.
Check it out, and I hope you like it!
Tin Man Returns To The Emerald City To Petition for Cardiac Surgery
The notorious Tin Man, whose 1939 journey to the Emerald City with Kansas farm girl Dorothy Gale was chronicled in the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” made a surprise return visit to the city late Thursday afternoon. During a press conference held later that evening alongside the yellow brick road, he revealed to reporters his intention to petition the Wizard of Oz, MD, to remove his heart.
“I have been living 72 stinking years with this piece of crap heart, and I’m sick and tired of it,” the Tin Man said, while simultaneously squirting oil into his mouth to keep himself lubricated. “I thought it would be great to have a heart, but all it has ever brought me is pain.”
He continued, “I keep falling for Tin Girls who aren’t interested in me, the few quality friends I make whom I actually like never stick around, and every friggen time I accidentally step on a stupid-*** ant, I feel compelled to burst into tears. It sucks, bro!”
The Tin Man went on to explain how, after obtaining a heart in 1939, he moved to Winkie County, started attending the local university, and began searching for suitable friends and a “kickass” mate.
“I tried for years to attract a quality Tin Girl, but they always found me to be a tad bit too rusty, which is total bull**** because it’s not my fault I was forged from some really cheap-*** tin.”
After a heart-wrenching rejection in 1963—during which a Tin Girl to whom he had written a sweet love letter to freaked out, burned the letter, and said that he’s a loser “unworthy” of her time—the Tin Man became so disillusioned and embittered that he sought the friendship, love, and guidance of the only Tin People who were willing to accept him: the R2D2-13 gang.
Under their tutelage, he learned how to scrub rust off himself by using a brush caked in marijuana resin, lubricate his creaking joints by pouring alcohol on them, and fix any broken tin ligaments by stealing new ones from the Winkie County Prosthetics Laboratory.
“What we were doing was really wrong and got us into a lot of trouble, but I didn’t care at the time because for once in my life I felt like I actually belonged,” the Tin Man said, dabbing at his eyes with an oilkerchief. “I was always on the go, meeting new Tin People, making really great jokes, and just living it up, man.”
Soon after, the R2D2-13s introduced the Tin Man to one of their Tin Hoes, a young and bosomous Tin Broad with a penchant for “money, mo’ money, and even mo’ money.”
“I had a lot of student loan money at the time, so she latched on and showed me the love and attention I wanted, and so I fell in love,” he continued. “She introduced me to Tin Sex and something called a Bulgarian Tin Dive, but it wasn’t meant to be; she was a wild, party girl who just wanted to make money and spend it, while I meanwhile was slowly maturing and realizing I wanted more out of my measly Tin life.”
After the termination of his relationship with the Tin Broad, as well as his friendship with the R2D2-13s (many of whom have since run out of oil), the Tin Man gradually got his life together by completing his education, finding gainful employment, and developing fiscal responsibility. He now lives his life as a responsible, tax-paying Tin citizen of Oz.
“Yep, I have the whole wide world going for me now,” the Tin Man commented, rolling his Tin eyes. “It’s true that I have money and feel a certain degree of success, but it means nothing without a quality Tin Girl by my side; a few friends would be nice too, but my Tin Girl will always be my number one BFF.”
“You know, sometimes I want nothing more than to just go back to the days when I didn’t have a care in the world—when I prowled the streets of Winkie County with the R2D-13s and had sex with hot Tin Hoes.”
The accumulation of all these painful emotions is what led the Tin Man back to Oz. If he’s able to convince the Wizard of Oz, MD, to remove his heart, then he’ll finally be able to live his life in peace—“a life without stupid emotions like loneliness, infatuation, anxiety, and fear.”
He added, “Plus, it would be really friggen nice to be able to eat burgers and fries everyday without having to worry about having a heart attack!”
Written by V Saxena on May 13th, 2011