My life is beyond repairable. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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My life is beyond repairable.


Hi,

I'm 29 year sold, man from rural Arkansas. I rarely worked, never got a GED, didn't go to middle school or high school. I was pulled out of elementary school because I had medical issues. My parents weren't really serious about my education. I can barely do arithmetic. I have a speech impediment and I don't know what the cause is as I could never afford therapy or even see a doctor about it. I have never been tested for social issues, despite things going on again I couldn't afford it and my father doesn't care to pay for it. I have no bank account, no savings, no credit card, no credit, pretty much I'm a nobody. I don't even have an id, it was state issued that expired few years ago.



Work? I've never worked a day in my life. I mean, I've done some jobs but that wouldn't really be considered a real job. Mowing lawns, doing lawn work, repairing pcs or whatever isn't real work, I did some fast food work like cashier, but just temp in the end I never was able to get a real job. I have real bad social anxiety, say, Thursday if I had to work Monday I would freak out the entire time and wouldn't be able to sleep Monday.

To top it off, my life wasn't pathetic enough. I was dx with epilepsy 7+ years ago.. My dad and I fought a lot over this. I didn't drive, and I didn't have money so I continued having seizures. Because he wouldn't take me. I finally had it and called an ambulance, they took me in and diagnosed me. They picked a Dr. and he prescribes medicine for me. It's actually better now, I am able to talk to my doctor online without him being present. He wanted to see me every 6 months. I got paranoid even within a month of the appointment. My father would complain how he doesn't like that doctor and how he knows more than I do and the Dr knows. He was talking about I may need to be put on another medicine. My father screamed at him and told him what a fraud he is and that he just wants money.

I have no work history, I have no GED. I look at job application forms... I even get paranoid filling them out knowing I will be rejected. They ask for education, criminal history, and ask about driving. That's the other thing. I am in rural arkansas. I cannot drive due to my seizures. There is 0 buses, 0 taxis, I rarely see any of those vehicles. The nearest gas station is 2 miles away. I struggled to even get there, I tried walking to work. I collapsed and dislocated my shoulder on he road going to work. That didn't last. Of course, my father screamed at me over it.


I'm not sure what to do. I tried getting serious about my GED. I bought the book with little money I had, I boght text books, I bought a laptop, I started reading. I tried studying, I can barely remember anything I studied. I spent 20-30 hours a week trying to figure out what memory method works. I tried fish oil, I don't know the cause.



I see others talking about lack of friends, girlfriends, and still a virgin.. I am all of those, I lack all of those, but it's not just the only few issues. What options do I have? I don't have ability to get SSI, medicaid, or medicare my father pays for it all and I try to pay with what little money I am able to get. I tried SSDI, but it was rejected, and the other they say I need to work like 40 hours a month to qualify. I forgot the complex details.



People tell me to take responsiblity and get a job. I've tried, and I actually walked to work because my father or others wouldn't drive me. I ended up dislocating my shoulder. I once when mowing lawns ran into a bird bath because of one. I had another one with a walking mower and hit my head. I don't know what else to do at this point.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 07:21 PM
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Why can't you get SSI or medicaid? At 29 I don't see how your parents' income/assets could disqualify you, and epilepsy is clearly preventing you from driving and thus working. SSDI is for working people, but SSI isn't.

Try every other available form of welfare too, until you have the means to move to a city where being unable to drive won't be so much of a problem.

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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 09:29 PM
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@alternjt

Have you tried contacting a social worker? You might be able to find something online about support services in your area. If you call a support line, they may be able to direct you to someone who can help you with your particular situation. That's how I found my therapist. Epilepsy seems like the kind of thing you might be able to get disability for because it's a neurological condition, not a psychiatric disorder.

I have vertigo, so I can't drive, either, but I live in a city so I can take a bus. Unfortunately, I get panic attacks on buses, lol. I also have a lot of difficulty remembering things, especially names and dates. I ended up flunking out of hs because I couldn't pass my exams. I did go back and get my hs diploma later, though.

I have some work experience, because my parents kicked me out when I was 18 and I've been on my own since then, but I only ever managed to get one real job. I've applied for hundreds of other jobs, but most of the time, all I could get were temp positions through an agency, and those often only lasted a day or two, or a week at most. People have just never seemed to like me very much. And I'm honestly not very good at most things. I'm really uncoordinated, and with my balance issues I'm not very good at manual labor. I had one temp job for about 6 months (subsidized by the govt, so my boss didn't even have to pay me) that required me to work with tools (table saws, sanders, etc.) and I was so bad at it my boss would literally tear his hair out, hahaha. (Needless to say, he did not hire me on for a permanent position.)

I'd like to be able to tell you that every life is repairable, but my own life is beyond repairable, so I know that's not true. But it seems like you have a serious shot at disability, which is something I don't qualify for, so maybe yours is. All you can do is try. At least then you can say you did your best.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2020, 05:02 PM
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I think you do completely qualify for SSI or SSD, but a lot can have to do with if your family members are working or not. If your father retires, you might be able to be on SSD which is twice the amount of SSI. I don't see why you can't get SSI now, i would keep attempting to qualify and show proof that you have had one or more seizures or have a seizure disorder. Aside from that, it sounds scary that you at times lose your balance and if that happens in public, it could be dangerous or even embarassing if other people see it. If you can get your seizure issue under control, I suggest moving to a bigger city that has public transportation. i would first of all get an updated I.D. RIGHT NOW. If a cop or anyone in law enforcement stop you for any reason and you don't have a current I.D. they could even potentially throw you in jail. It isn't likely but if any cop EVER stops you and you don't have current updated I.D you are playing with fire. My I.D. now expired like 10 years after I got it, so you can get one that lasts for 10 or more years before expiring. I dunno, if there is any time to get an education or learn anything online, now is the time. You could learn virtually any skill just from looking at Youtube videos, not a guarantee but you at least have more options now online than ever before, where you don't have to physically show up and can potentially master a skill or work from home. I make good money on an ebay store now, I actually made over $1500 in one month a few months ago and could make more but I got exhausted so I can't have it up every month. I work completely from home and use prepaid shipping labels so if i have to ship something i dont even have to wait on line at the post office
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2020, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Disheveled and Lost View Post
I think you do completely qualify for SSI or SSD, but a lot can have to do with if your family members are working or not. If your father retires, you might be able to be on SSD which is twice the amount of SSI. I don't see why you can't get SSI now, i would keep attempting to qualify and show proof that you have had one or more seizures or have a seizure disorder. Aside from that, it sounds scary that you at times lose your balance and if that happens in public, it could be dangerous or even embarassing if other people see it. If you can get your seizure issue under control, I suggest moving to a bigger city that has public transportation. i would first of all get an updated I.D. RIGHT NOW. If a cop or anyone in law enforcement stop you for any reason and you don't have a current I.D. they could even potentially throw you in jail. It isn't likely but if any cop EVER stops you and you don't have current updated I.D you are playing with fire. My I.D. now expired like 10 years after I got it, so you can get one that lasts for 10 or more years before expiring. I dunno, if there is any time to get an education or learn anything online, now is the time. You could learn virtually any skill just from looking at Youtube videos, not a guarantee but you at least have more options now online than ever before, where you don't have to physically show up and can potentially master a skill or work from home. I make good money on an ebay store now, I actually made over $1500 in one month a few months ago and could make more but I got exhausted so I can't have it up every month. I work completely from home and use prepaid shipping labels so if i have to ship something i dont even have to wait on line at the post office

I cannot afford to live in the city as I have barely any money to my name. I have like 120 in cash. There are cities like Conway, Little Rock, Jacksonville. They barely have any public transportation, and during the virus I haven't even seen anything in Little Rock. I live in Arkansas, so it's mostly a rural state. I don't get embarrassed if I get a seizure that's long gone.


Learning? It's not matter of learning. I bought a GED book, I went over to KhanAcademy. I tried studying, I spent weeks even trying to figure out methods how to learn. I tried fish oil, and my doctor said I don't qualify for any other medicine like adderall or something which could make my seizures worse. I am in process of trying different medicines, but it is difficult. It's basically trial and error. Prescribe one medicine, like for example lamictal which I am on, he's looking at prescribing depakote, but if he does that then it lowers how effective lamictal is.. I am on keppra which helps some. Anyway, I can't walk to work, I tried it, I end up having a seizure and I collapse.


The medicine that can help with anxiety he told me I don't qualify for. Xanax or some others could make seizures worse for me. He prescribe one anti-depressant that wouldn't interfere or cause issues and it didn't help any and said he can't go any higher said I needed to get off of it. The medicine I am on is for people with bipolar as well, it didn't do anything for me. I don't know what to do. He wanted me to see a neuropsych that specialized in epilepsy and psychology related, but I don't have the money to go to one and that one is far off.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2020, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
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The memory issue I can't get passed and I know it is mostly AEDs causing it. Each time my medicine gets upped I get worse memory problems, and when it is lowered I notice a slight improvement. I tried memory palace, etc.



I spent a month trying to learn 15 words like practicing them 20 minutes 2-3 times a day over 20 days and I only remember a few like voracious or scorn. I improved my grammar some what, you should have seen how much worse my grammar was 3 years ago. I barely could spell correctly. It's weird, I can type words without errors, if I were to do it on paper I tend to make some mistakes despite a lot of practice. I don't know what to do.


I tried studying multiplication I can't remember it. I studied it in elementary school and was good at it but now I struggle to recall them. Sometimes, I even forget what year it is.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2020, 01:03 PM
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U can always get better. Just think there are ppl starving who would kill to have ur life u can improve.
Plus If u feel your at rockbottom the only way is up..
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2020, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by alternjt View Post
I cannot afford to live in the city as I have barely any money to my name. I have like 120 in cash. There are cities like Conway, Little Rock, Jacksonville. They barely have any public transportation, and during the virus I haven't even seen anything in Little Rock. I live in Arkansas, so it's mostly a rural state. I don't get embarrassed if I get a seizure that's long gone.
With the virus now, it will be harder to find anything in terms of work or anything as everyone is understaffed and it is a lot of panic in the air. I dunno, Madonna was dropped off in Times Square with like $200 in her pocket maybe around 1980 or late 70's and was at one point I think top-5 most famous people in the world. Not to compare you to Madonna but you might have more options than you think. I would maybe try to think about in the future moving to Jacksonville as that seems to be a larger city.

My point is that on Youtube there is a wealth of information on everything, even private ramblings by random people and endless comments, not just about learning a skill. I took fish oil pills over 10 years ago and it made my throat gross, terrible aftertaste. adderall is addictive, as is any anti-depressant. I was on Celexa for over 10 years, a high dose, but have been off anti-depressants for over 10 years now, (everything is 10 years hehe) anti-depressants in my case looking back, did nothing for me. Tapering off Celexa was a nightmare and took me a full year. Tapering off Zyprexa also took a full year, they are both EXTREMELY addictive. I am now on brand Zyprexa but only about 4 MG a day and nothing else. It is the only medication that worked for anxiety, not sleeping, and literally shaking from nerves. It is the most dangerous medication for weight gain but i fast for up to 28 hours straight to lose the weight i gain. Psychiatrists often over-prescribe things. I would not take anti-depressants as that doesn't seem to be your main issue now. My sister developed a seizure disorder on a trip to Africa (I hate my sister but that is another story). My sister's seizures went away completely 10 years ago. Adderall sounds like another extremely addictive substance. Whatever you are taking, i would insist on brand versions of EVERYTHING. A generic version of a medication could be $20 a month out of pocket cost, and a brand version could be $1000 per month out of pocket cost. Almost every generic version is cheap and i even felt drugged taking them. I would NEVER trust a generic version of anything prescribed. You might have to insist on your OWN to request a brand version from your psychiatrist and if you aren't covered the company might make an exception.

I still don't know why you are not eligible for SSI at least which should be about $500 per month. You have a physical problem with seizures that can easily be proved by a psychiatrist's signature and brief explanation on a piece of paper.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-15-2020, 03:48 PM
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Iím from Arkansas too. I feel the same way you do. Itís so hard.


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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-17-2020, 03:36 PM
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I never work with people before either. I was self employed. I live off my writing skills and helping people get a healthy mind. My resume only shows me being self employed, but the money I made is below 10k in my lifetime. My situation is complex for people, because the people who knows me thinks that I'm putting myself in the same situation. The reason why people close to me think that I put myself in the same situation, because they never been in that experience before or know someone who had been in these experiences.


A lot of people that I met up to online said I should get disability, because of the strangers who're already employed are preventing me from getting a job. The people online who interacted about supercomputers with me got some bad social experiences from strangers.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-22-2020, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by alternjt View Post
Hi,

I'm 29 year sold, man from rural Arkansas.
I grew up in a small town in Kansas so i know how you feel and the situation you are in right now. Although I dont have seizures like you did I had pretty severe social anxiety which made it hard to find a good job.

You have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. You have to try to tackle them one at a time. First thing is to try to get approved for some type of financial aid. SSI , Disability or whatever. Talk to a social worker or some local government agency to see what you can get approved for.

If you can get approved for some financial aid or get a job that you can do with your medical situation that will be a big first step.

Next it sounds like you need to get out of the house with your father. Become independent and live on your own. It does not sound like your father is helping you much at all and even abusive.

So get some money coming in one way or another and get your own place (I know more easily said then done).
It may be a good idea to move to a bigger town or city where they will have more social services and opportunity then in rural Arkansas. Down side the bigger the town the bigger the cost of living. But your paycheck should go up as well.

Wish you luck drop me a message if you need more advice
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