my "deal" - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-2006, 01:40 AM Thread Starter
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my "deal"


you all seem like very nice and understanding folks.. so I am going to let you all in on something.. but keep in mind its very long.. this is a good amount of a journal entry I wrote a little over a year ago. I left some things out for privacy and such.



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Now, over the years, I have been asked stuff like "Why dont you drive, ride a bike, dont have a job, etc, etc, etc I will TRY To answer them here.. but It is not my own reason.. the other half is just so I can get whaever baggage I have felt all these years out in the open so Im not always going to be on topic or what have you for the same reason, I could care less about puncuation and where paragraphs should start, or if its in chronological order or not, so here it goes


Ever since I can remember, I have not always been the most cordinated person.. I have a hard time doing such things as writing legibly and Bike riding (which I never ever could master.. why?.. I dont have an idea really. It took me forever to learn how to tie my own shoes. I was in 5th grade maybe?

during the 2nd grade, I was placed part time into an "Orthopedically Handicapped" (or O.H. for short) class. There were about 7-8 other students there with problems such as cerebal palsy, speech impedimants, mentally retarded, problems with using their arms/hands, There is no reccoletion of a formal explaination of why I was being placed there, nor do I know whos recoomendation to this date that it was... I just knew I was there.. I was about 8 years old so I was probably a little too young to understand it all anyway. I had some of my classes with them, others I was what they called "Mainstreamed"- or I had it with a regular group of kids. This went on all the way until I graduated from High School so I was at this for about 10-11 years or so. WIth this, I also did some physical therapy/exercises.. During my earliest years, (the 2nd grade) I remember doing stuff like rolling down this wedge made out of some sort of fabric that made it feasable (I dont know what it was, just didnt want you thiking I rolled on hard wood and getting splinters and stuff lol) It was a cardio type deal as I usually did this in the morning before the day started, kind of a warm up to get the "jitters" out kinda thing, same reason why people go jogging and stuff in the morning. I remember streching this elestic contraption with my hands that looked like a huge rubberband with a knot on it, I remember pushing myself down the hall while laying down on this scooter with wheels, and various other things... I then and still now can get a little hyperactive, panicy, over excited, etc.. cant sit all that still for a long time. (I have been at this computer and just felt the urge to get out of my seat and walk around trhen come back more times than I can count) so they had be practice things like deep breathing, and sometimes had me wear this weighted in hope that it would calm me down and make me think before reacting (this idea was introduced to me in 4th grade maybe?) . That is about the time I got my 1st ever where typing lesson (asdfjkl; and all that stuff) during then and through Junior High school, I took various typing lessons given by Orthopedic Therapists (None of this went for a grade.. before I knew it, they gave me an electronic word processor to borrow where I could type and print my school work, I preferred this over writing, contrary to just about everyone in my "Mainstream classes", I prefered to do this because I couldnt write with my hand worth a damn, I just couldnt, it wasnt legible and still isnt all that great. Now back to the bike thing..They might of seen what I could do with a bycycle too, I am sure they did, I know my mom tried to teach me how to show me ride a bike when I was about 10 or 11 or so.. I kept wiping out as soon as I got started... but I knew they eventually figured out I just couldnt do it, because I remember one of the therapists giving me this 1 or 2 line speech about how I shouldnt feel bad about it or something.

Now a majority of the years I was in this program, we went swimming once a week for about 6 weeks at the WMCA.. there we were given various swimming lessons.. now I absolutly hated going to the deep end...so after a few years of that, I kindly asked one of the therapists if I could not do that anymore, she agreed to comply with my wish.. those 3-4 years or however long I did that, fear never wore off. Even though I was being held up.. it seems like I was hardly going anywhere when I tried to move forward, which got me frusterated and panicy in the middle of this 9 feet water, so I finally got the courage to ask if I could stop going there, and that was the end of that.

onward with the fear,panic thing: When I was in Junior High I had a Shoppe class.. you know, jigsaws, chainsaws, stuff with sharp blades, when you hear about the safety procedures, that scares you enough, that kinda thing... This **** absolutly petrofied me, so I broke down in tears. I didnt want any part of it.. I think I was still in the class, but I got a watered down version of it.. I learned absolutly nothing to be honest, nor was I ready to. I just had half the class poking fun at me saying "were gonna use the jigsaws!" and crap. I also had an aide with me, who seen me break down the 1st day we were to work with all this machinary, she gave me this lame speech like " You are in Junior High now, you cant be crying, you dont want people seeing you crying" It pissed me off more than anything.. I had this one friend named Eddie in my O.H. class as far as I could rememeber.. from elementry until I graduated from High School. He always looked for me as someone to listen to him when things werent going well.. well once we were in Junior High, Eddie wanted me to listen to him, I dont rememeber which , but it was rather that aide or the teacher, that comes over with " We cant do that here, this is Junior High" That also pissed me off, I was pissed FOR Eddie. Even if I didnt know what to advise him, I know he wanted to talk so I listened. Everyone needs someone to listen to them here and now no matter what age you are. (hell, thats part of the reason Im writing this). The 7th grade Teacher AND aide had this mindset of we are supposed to act a certain way just because we were in Junior High now. Hell, the teacher tried to tell me that some of them wanted to be known by different names all of the sudden, Like Eddie to Edward, Charles to Chuck, and so forth, I didn't buy it at all because I knew these people too well and knew they didn't give a damn about that. The whole thing was rediculous. I mean the Teacher and Aide were nice people, I liked them overall, but they were in the wrong when it came to this stuff.

Another thing I always have been afriad of.. Bees, Wasps, stuff with a stinger.. I guess I was stung about 4-5 times by a wasp when I was about 2, so that had to be when that fear was instilled onto me. Hell, it might of lead to some of my other fears, who knows.



So later on I graduate High School and crap..etc etc life goes on, I try college.. sucked at it.. I get this Job at a department store in the spring of '98. thanks to this Job placement program. I hated it because they had be carrying all these 40lb bags of mulch, top soil, and cow manure(yes, Cow manure, good fertilizer).. I remember once, 1 guy wanted 15 of them.... I was all happy that was done stuff.. then just 5-10 minutes later, I heard my name called again over the PA system because there was another guy wanting something, and he wanted 20 bags. I didnt really like much about the job overall, the carrying the bags thing just took the cake. This left me in tears every single worknight, sometmes crying myself to sleep. I just couldnt take it. If one "good" thing came from this.. its that this Job coach I didnt like at all (and he probably didnlt like me either) got fired. he didn't have the patience with me, and found out I had gotten lied to. Because you see, I was told my the Placement program that got me this Job and Job Coach, that overtime, the Job Coach was gradually going to show up less and less because we all assumed that I was going to be there longer than 3 weeks, and I was going to get more accustomed to the job more and more. Well this Job coach, said it was time for him to start coming in later and leaving earlier. I believed him, had no reason not to since the Job Placement people said this was going to happen. So I mention it to the placement people when they were doing one of their follow ups... well it turns out, they didn't give him the permission to start showing up less yet.. so they show up again the day after with a tape recorder and wanted me to tell them what happened, and had me write it out too... then bam , I got a new job coach and I never seen the other one again.. They didn't come out right and tell me he was fired but I had a pretty good idea they indeed sacked him. I had this new job coach just a few days until I was to quit the job (which was agreed would be at the end of that week).. was funny, I was kinda happy that the 1st Job coach did indeed leave me alone for a little while because I couldnt stand him.. but I was even happier to know I wouldnt have to ever see him again.

Onto Summer of '98, I had one of the best damn times I ever had... I got hooked up with a bunch of dave's friends (Dlayphoto on Livejournal) and we went to Illinois for a week for this Christian Music festival Cornestone Festival I had a blast, I heard ALL of the bands I was into at the time.. MxPx, Five Iron Frenzy, Supertones, DC Talk, Zao, The Electrics, the Halo Fiendlies, and a lot of others.. my mom didn't like the idea of me going too much at 1st, especially when I told her Dave got this job that required him to travel to all of these places around the country. But I pleaed to let me go, and she finally let me. I think she was glad I did too. I felt like I was living for a change.

Somewhere about this time. the job placement people sent me to this place that put me through all these various tests to see what my limits were in range of motion, weight, etc.. low and behold, it said my weight limit was about 35-40 pounds

So that septemer September or so, they get me this job at Dairy Queen which I likedd a hell of a lot better, got interviewed and such.I was the guy that took the trash out, swept the floor, washed the tables, made sure the people making/serving the ice cream had the toppings and stuff at their fingertips (I brought them to them when they were running low up front) and a few various things. I liked the people a lot better too.. The best thing yet... I didnt have to rely on anyone to take me there since it was in walking distance, sure people gave me rides here an there and they were appriciated, but I didnt have to depend on them. I had a job coach there too for a little while who was awesome and so easy going. that was like my 1st 6 weeks or so there.

Well I liked that job until the owner put his son in charge, named Darrin, he basically ran the place into the ground. put all these 16-17 year olds in as shift leaders, some of them with major attitudes ( I even got into a fight with 1 of them and got sent home by her) It just went to hell fast..Darrin even gave me lip about this and that, when there were actually a lot of people that seen I was busting my *** and appriciated it. They also knew didnt let these teeny bopper leads walk over me which they loved. That girl that sent me home, they heard me tell her off once or twice and thought it was great because they didn't like her either.

Anyway.. this crap for a manager Darrin also went around touching girls asses, I dont know why I didnt say anything about that, probably because I didnt see it happen myself. Some of my friends told me about it and I knew knew they wouldn't BS me. Christmas time I got invited to his house for a Christmas party, we were all watching movies and stuff, next thing I know, Darrin gets most of the people there to go out and smoke weed with him.CRAZY! There was probably about 10 of us there at the time, me and maybe 1 other person stayed in. Not to mention it was about 5 degrees outside!. I mean, I am glad they smoke it out there, instead of around me inside.. but is it really worth a joint or 2 if its that cold outside?.. Then again, I have never smoked weed so I wouldnt know.. nor would I care to

and now the kicker (or maybe it was a blessing in disguise at this point).. .. Christmas eve (a few days after that party) I go out to a family Christmas Party.. I come home from it, and find an envelope with my name in it in the mail, with cash in it..So I am thinking.. is this some kind of bonus or something?,,, nope, it was what they owed me... see, the next day I was suppose to work was a couple days after Christmas.. I walk up there in the cold, wndy. snowy, crappy weather.... and find Dairy Queen is all dark inside... its all locked up and everything.. ofcourse I found this to be very odd, so I say to myself Ill find out what was up with that tomorow.. well it wasnt until then I noticed the big white sign said "Store closed, see you next spring" So it goes without saying, I am totally pissed off about that. I mean I was furious, and confused,and depressed, all that. then later It all came clear that money I got in the mail was what they owed me, and it was a different manager that happens to live on my street that dropped it off there. Later on, worth of mouth.. the store had gone bankrupt, and was getting different ownership that spring.. I applied to those guys twice but they ddint take me.. I only seen 1 framiliar face out of the whole bunch.

Now a bit of a story on my road onto joining the Catholic Church.... it all started when I was in about 7th grade, my mom really wanted me to get baptised (Which we believe is a nessesity) and become Catholic, but I was iffy and nervous about the whole thing.... took all these classes on Mondays that lead up to the Easter Vigil where I was baptised and Recieved 1st Communion.. its not that I didnt want it.... it was that I was very nervous about going up there in front of all those poeple!.. I decided to go through with it and glad I did I kinda wanted for people at school and stuff to share in my joy... but I didnt know who to trust and what was frowned upon.. after all, I was in Junior High now, Im supposed to be this tough kid and whatever else, right? . See my biological dad didn't want me to do this as a baby for some reason, so I never was.. and mom got around to encouraging me and eeryhing when I was 13 years old, 7th grade. 4 years later, 11th grade.. I get confirmed... I was a lot less nervous about this than I was about Baptism, I was just more comfortable with the Church and stuff.. now, you cant pry me away from it! I love going to Mass and stuff.. my mom has kind of fallen away, but thankfully, my Step Aunt who also was my sponsor for Baptism, 1st Communion, an Confirmation, lives so close so its no trouble at all pick me up then I go to Mass with her.

Part of my whole conversion process (as it is a lifelong process) were a few retreats I went to.. 2 of them were by the Church's youth group, and other was a Young adult retreat close by given by the Diocese, all of them were awesome.. One of the youth group ones, I was out of High School at the time, but they let me come anyway, and I kinda volunteered to look over everyone and make sure they werent getting into trouble or anything (which was no problem) All of these retreats seemed to Jumpstart my faith in some way... sure I enjoyed everyone there's compmany. but there was just something more than those retreats awesome. if I could pinpoint it, id tell you but I cant lol.. I was just.. so overjoyed even when they were over... I mean.. I know the Mass had a major part of that too... and I just left behind all my worries and stuff for the time being... it was just.. special.. yeah These and Cornerstone festival were the best times in my life.




so anyway.. I think this is about it.. why dont I drive? I cant rdie a bike,, have all these fears and insecurities, how am I supposed to just go start driving just like that? When, how am I supposed to drive? The Bus... yeah I know about them but they didnt show up once so that was the end of that.. i sure as hell wont rely on them to take me to work and pick me up.. the Cab? That is quite more expensive than the bus, and some of them are kinda shady so I dont really trust them.

Most of those friends I spoke of earleir.. they dont live around here anymore, Ive lost contact with just about all of them. Im not about to go to some bar and expect it to be like Cheers either.

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a bit of an update to all of this... I did take up some courage about 2 monhts ago to call a Catholic singles group.. only to find out the group was small and a lot of them were a lot older than me

I have looked at some non cedit type college courses.. but none of them really interest me! (Maybe because I am depressed? I have no idea)

anyway.. thats my deal

thank you all for reading
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-2006, 01:50 AM Thread Starter
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oh I wnated to ask.. do you see a lot of symtoms of SA in this? I have never been actually diagnosed by a doctor..
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-2006, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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hmm I wonder fi this would of been better off being posted in "First steps"?
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-29-2006, 09:47 AM
 
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I don't drive either. I can't get behind to wheel without having panic attacks about being in an accident and dying or killing somebody.
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