My Brothers gf forcing me to dance in their wedding - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-28-2020, 10:09 PM
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i hate that attitude. i hate the idea of family obligation. i still have it a bit but most of it i can ignore. i know i am projecting my own feelings a bit, but the OP did say they had nightmares over it, sound quite distressed. the idea that your family doesn't care to know about your feelings or they do know and don't care, and still force these obligations on you... obligations which have questionable value, you can still be happy for them, see them some other time, go and not dance, or anything you like. the threat to not go through with the marriage is just throwaway bull**** blackmail, that's disgusting. the real family obligation is to treat the family members like human beings, with feelings. no one can relax if they have their autonomy taken away from them. no one would treat someone so poorly if they respected them as a human with their own ****ing individual needs.


for some reason i'm extra pissed off with people mistreating other people right now (i mean i'm projecting , i'm pissed off with people mistreating me lol). but its not projecting if the person's actual experience is the same as mine (or to the degree that it is similar, its less projectingish)
Yeah, I hate it too - believe me, I understand. It's very annoying. But some things you're just expected to do. Otherwise the family will hold it against you forever - it's just too much hassle.
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post #42 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-28-2020, 10:18 PM
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Yeah, I hate it too - believe me, I understand. It's very annoying. But some things you're just expected to do. Otherwise the family will hold it against you forever - it's just too much hassle.

its not a hassle if you never/seldom see them again

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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post #43 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-28-2020, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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i hate that attitude. i hate the idea of family obligation. i still have it a bit but most of it i can ignore. i know i am projecting my own feelings a bit, but the OP did say they had nightmares over it, sound quite distressed. the idea that your family doesn't care to know about your feelings or they do know and don't care, and still force these obligations on you... obligations which have questionable value, you can still be happy for them, see them some other time, go and not dance, or anything you like. the threat to not go through with the marriage is just throwaway bull**** blackmail, that's disgusting. the real family obligation is to treat the family members like human beings, with feelings. no one can relax if they have their autonomy taken away from them. no one would treat someone so poorly if they respected them as a human with their own ****ing individual needs.


for some reason i'm extra pissed off with people mistreating other people right now (i mean i'm projecting [IMG class=inlineimg]/forum/images/SAS_2015/smilies/tango_face_devil.png[/IMG], i'm pissed off with people mistreating me lol). but its not projecting if the person's actual experience is the same as mine (or to the degree that it is similar, its less projectingish) [IMG class=inlineimg]/forum/images/SAS_2015/smilies/tango_face_angel.png[/IMG]
Yeah, I hate it too - believe me, I understand. It's very annoying. But some things you're just expected to do. Otherwise the family will hold it against you forever - it's just too much hassle.
I can push myself to go for the sake of my brother but just let me hide in the crowd and just let me BE without having to deal with all the crap...problem is they expect me to lead from front due to various Indian traditions, dance on the streets which I can't clearly do as the group lead and behave like the most eligible bachelor....on top force me to do a dance number while threatening me to call off the wedding..she did this in front of my parents who didn't utter a word....there's clearly no concern for others feelings....I personally wouldn't force anyone if it was my wedding...I was lucky to not have a panic attack at his last wedding....but the theme was old and none had to perform on stage...just the dancing on streets which was still distressing....
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post #44 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-28-2020, 10:45 PM
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I can push myself to go for the sake of my brother but just let me hide in the crowd and just let me BE without having to deal with all the crap...problem is they expect me to lead from front due to various Indian traditions, dance on the streets which I can't clearly do as the group lead and behave like the most eligible bachelor....on top force me to do a dance number while threatening me to call off the wedding..she did this in front of my parents who didn't utter a word....there's clearly no concern for others feelings....I personally wouldn't force anyone if it was my wedding...I was lucky to not have a panic attack at his last wedding....but the theme was old and none had to perform on stage...just the dancing on streets which was still distressing....
She's just a little drama queen mate, by the sound of it. Very annoying though.

We all understand - it's a very difficult situation. You should come back later and tell us what happened.
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post #45 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 07:26 AM
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You love your brother right ? Of course you do. You have 2 months right ? ... don’t procrastinate ... find a dance studio that teaches you the dance ... commit to learning that dance the very best you can ... focus on learning ... build up your self confidence by practicing that dance ... by the time the wedding rolls around you’ll have that dance mastered ... you will blow people’s minds on how good you are ... and then poof ... you’re the hero, your brother’s very proud of you , your parents are very proud of you and your sister-in-law now has to shut up ... how’s that for a plan ?
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post #46 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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You love your brother right ? Of course you do. You have 2 months right ? ... don’t procrastinate ... find a dance studio that teaches you the dance ... commit to learning that dance the very best you can ... focus on learning ... build up your self confidence by practicing that dance ... by the time the wedding rolls around you’ll have that dance mastered ... you will blow people’s minds on how good you are ... and then poof ... you’re the hero, your brother’s very proud of you , your parents are very proud of you and your sister-in-law now has to shut up ... how’s that for a plan ?
Let's see....I haven't looked at it as a challenge to shut someone up...hardly care about the social expectations frankly...these events are not enjoyable for me...also dancing isn't something that has attracted or motivated me to get into....
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post #47 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 09:22 AM
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... or, of course , don’t do anything
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post #48 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 10:15 AM
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Well, do you even like this girl? If not, you have a good opportunity now to keep her out of the family (she won't marry if you don't dance)
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post #49 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Well, do you even like this girl? If not, you have a good opportunity now to keep her out of the family (she won't marry if you don't dance) <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a>
Am pretty sure it's just a tactic to push and manipulate ppl so she could have her ways....don't think she wouldn't marry but continue holding a grudge, bring it up in discussions to make me feel guilty, etc... she even told my father who doesn't want to go due to his health issues and difficulty traveling (wedding is in a different city) that she wouldn't talk to him ever if he doesn't turn up which is kinda childish....and here I thought my lack of social skills make me look immature
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post #50 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 11:13 AM
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Am pretty sure it's just a tactic to push and manipulate ppl so she could have her ways....don't think she wouldn't marry but continue holding a grudge, bring it up in discussions to make me feel guilty, etc... she even told my father who doesn't want to go due to his health issues and difficulty traveling (wedding is in a different city) that she wouldn't talk to him ever if he doesn't turn up which is kinda childish....and here I thought my lack of social skills make me look immature
Every girl wants her wedding day to be perfect. It is supposed to be her only one. We call them "bridezillas", though. Yeah, she can get nasty, but you can always pay that back later.


I say - dance in the streets to show the single girls that YOU got the moves and then you get your own girl who won't have this issue.


It'll be as much your time as hers. PLUS! You can slip some of that "Fun Juice" in a flask or something if it gets bad.


Ferment them vegetables!

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post #51 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 11:14 AM
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Well, do you even like this girl? If not, you have a good opportunity now to keep her out of the family (she won't marry if you don't dance)
He has to think of his brother. Blood in, blood out, brothers give a shout!


I'm pissed because I find out my I am going to be an uncle out of the blue. Then, a month later, I get a surprise text asking me to spell our father's hometown in Austria. Why? He's in Las Vegas getting married!


I wanted so much to be his Best Man and give a speech about how he is my greatest Christmas present (as he was born before Christmas when I was four years old). I didn't get to do that.

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post #52 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 03:15 PM
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You love your brother right ?
This kind of statement disgusts me.



"If you really loved..." is the most iconic manipulative statement in the English language. If they really loved you they wouldn't try to use the fact you have relationship together to get something you want out of it. That's the definition of manipulation.


So the problem everyone is overlooking is that this is an extremely manipulative person about to be introduced into his life and all this discussion about taking drugs to deal with it, just sucking it up, trying to have fun with it, etc. are just acquiescing to manipulative person's demands. The idea that "sister-in-law now has to shut up" is never going to be the case, and the problem is only going to get worse the more you give in to these kinds of people. Once they realize the tactic works on you, they're going to get bolder whenever it suits their interests. They'll be even more comfortable in attempting to use whatever they can to have their way.


But by all means you can ignore my advice. This is just how these bad kind of people work and if you don't believe me you're going to find out later when you have future interactions about when she's making yet another demand of you and you feel trapped and you can't take it. What I've suggested is beyond reasonable.
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post #53 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 05:36 AM Thread Starter
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You love your brother right ?
This kind of statement disgusts me.



"If you really loved..." is the most iconic manipulative statement in the English language. If they really loved you they wouldn't try to use the fact you have relationship together to get something you want out of it. That's the definition of manipulation.
Am in full agreement with you...just want to say thanks to everybody for their comments and support....this is the only place where I can share my concerns....
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post #54 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 07:21 AM
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Any idea on how I can avoid this? I have said no but she threatens she won't marry if I dont as it's a big occassion for her. I am super anxious as it is going through entire wedding (esp Indian wedding). On top I can't dance, have always avoided it...and am morbidly obese....so am just going to be a laughing spectacle for everyone which is not only anxiety provoking but highly embarrassing. She expects me to dance on a Bollywood number in front of a crowd of maybe 100 &#x1f605;
Perhaps she is trying to get you to be more social so you can meet new people? This was the case at my Brothers wedding, his wife was nagging me all night to get up on the dance floor for a few songs. Turned out one of her best friends was single and was interested in me and wanted an excuse to break the ice. We danced (poorly I might add, but it didn't matter) and then chatted a bit afterward. It didn't lead anywhere as it turned out we had little in common, but it was a good experience nonetheless.
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post #55 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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Any idea on how I can avoid this? I have said no but she threatens she won't marry if I dont as it's a big occassion for her. I am super anxious as it is going through entire wedding (esp Indian wedding). On top I can't dance, have always avoided it...and am morbidly obese....so am just going to be a laughing spectacle for everyone which is not only anxiety provoking but highly embarrassing. She expects me to dance on a Bollywood number in front of a crowd of maybe 100 &#x1f605;
Perhaps she is trying to get you to be more social so you can meet new people? This was the case at my Brothers wedding, his wife was nagging me all night to get up on the dance floor for a few songs. Turned out one of her best friends was single and was interested in me and wanted an excuse to break the ice. We danced (poorly I might add, but it didn't matter) and then chatted a bit afterward. It didn't lead anywhere as it turned out we had little in common, but it was a good experience nonetheless.
I would have understood if she wanted me to socialize more but that doesn't seem the case....Indian weddings these days are based on themes where relatives from both sides perform (solo or not) on Bollywood songs while others watch....there are enough ppl to do that and I said am not interested but since am the brother and she's worried wat people might say...so she's forcing me to do this...
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post #56 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 12:36 PM
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I would have understood if she wanted me to socialize more but that doesn't seem the case....Indian weddings these days are based on themes where relatives from both sides perform (solo or not) on Bollywood songs while others watch....there are enough ppl to do that and I said am not interested but since am the brother and she's worried wat people might say...so she's forcing me to do this...
I can see why you'd be worried - I'd be very self-conscious trying to do that too. I was on a scholarship up in Indonesia ages ago and they wanted me to dance with this Balinese lady - she was trying to pull me up onto the dance floor and basically the whole village was watching. God I was embarassed - I just couldn't do it.

I can't remember - does your brother or your parents know about your anxiety?
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post #57 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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I would have understood if she wanted me to socialize more but that doesn't seem the case....Indian weddings these days are based on themes where relatives from both sides perform (solo or not) on Bollywood songs while others watch....there are enough ppl to do that and I said am not interested but since am the brother and she's worried wat people might say...so she's forcing me to do this...
I can see why you'd be worried - I'd be very self-conscious trying to do that too. I was on a scholarship up in Indonesia ages ago and they wanted me to dance with this Balinese lady - she was trying to pull me up onto the dance floor and basically the whole village was watching. God I was embarassed - I just couldn't do it.

I can't remember - does your brother or your parents know about your anxiety?
Yes they know am on pills and I see a shrink....they are aware about my anxiety issues not specifically SA tho but having seen me all my life...am sure they know am not comfortable doing this.
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post #58 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 07:51 PM
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Yes they know am on pills and I see a shrink....they are aware about my anxiety issues not specifically SA tho but having seen me all my life...am sure they know am not comfortable doing this.
In that case can't they make an exception and get someone else to do it?

It might be a good time to try and explain to them what a big deal it is for you. In the end it doesn't really matter what this silly girl thinks - but I imagine what your brother and your family thinks is probably still important to you.
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post #59 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 08:09 PM Thread Starter
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In that case can't they make an exception and get someone else to do it?

It might be a good time to try and explain to them what a big deal it is for you. In the end it doesn't really matter what this silly girl thinks - but I imagine what your brother and your family thinks is probably still important to you.
I hardly care what she thinks...have told my family too am not keen but because of her tantrums they arnt rly saying anything...just trying to avoid the topic.
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post #60 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 08:12 PM
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I hardly care what she thinks...have told my family too am not keen but because of her tantrums they arnt rly saying anything...just trying to avoid the topic.
Maybe have a talk with your brother - but I guess that depends what he's like with her and if he stands up to her or not.

It's a tricky situation.
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