Social Anxiety Forum

Social Anxiety Forum (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/)
-   Frustration (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/)
-   -   Making friends as an adult, the definite thread (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/making-friends-as-an-adult-the-definite-thread-236633/)

ShadowOnTheWall 02-01-2013 02:19 PM

Making friends as an adult, the definite thread
 
It occurs to me that the biggest problem we have is a possible lack of friends. I mean we can be awkward, and we judge ourselves much more harshly than others judge us, which can make us extremely self conscious, and constantly worrying if we re really fit in, but I think its can be overcome with a good circle of friends.

But as we get older and leave education we get less opportunities to meet people, or at least we're expected to initiate our own and it can be quite hard if you feel burned by school.

What do you think is the best to meet people? I regularly tell people to search for a club or hobby group, because it worked form. I made a bunch of great friends at a pen and paper roleplay group (think dnd) and I wondered if others could to, though for some people this doesn't seem to work out.

I spent a good while googling this topic, a lot of the articles I found were very vague and many repeated the same advice, but these are the best I have come across.

http://thegaslightanthem.bigforumpro...ds-as-an-adult
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Good-Friends-As-an-Adult
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melani..._b_789388.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fa...-an-adult.html
http://www.thegloss.com/2012/01/25/o...-an-adult-268/

Though I also wonder if theirs anything "secret" to making aquitances into friends, other than time, effort and trying to find any simularities.

Any thoughts anyone?

Edit: had someone suggest this: https://getthefriendsyouwant.com/how...12-step-guide/ and it does seem like a concise guide to making friends

actinia 02-01-2013 02:25 PM

I have no idea. I ended up going on group meet and see if I could find a group of girls I could relate to. In the end I am just going to have to keep some of my favorite hobbies to myself. Not many people,were I live, watch anime or read manga.

litare 02-01-2013 03:18 PM

Thanks for stating this thread! I graduated last year and moved to a new town and I have no idea how to make friends now that I don't have any of the clubs/classes/usual methods from school.

MrZelgadis 02-01-2013 03:48 PM

I think making friends is a skill. Some people have it easier than others. I met a person who was amazing at making people feel comfortable and get them to talk. I envy him for making it look so easy. I think one of the barriers people who suffer from anxiety have is that they have difficulties opening up; this makes others have a difficult time to know the person and accept him for who he is. I think the fear of rejection is what holds us back from making connections with people. In the end, I'm going to try to open up a bit. I feel like that many people will like me... maybe not most.. but hopefully I can make some close bonds with people that will accept me.

Ohio Fatso 02-01-2013 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShadowOnTheWall (Post 1060840409)
It occurs to me that the biggest problem we have is a possible lack of friends.

I don't know if it's the biggest, but it's a problem for sure. Here I am 30 years old with no friends. Oh sure, there are some people at work who are friendly but after 5:00 that's it. Don't see them, don't talk to them.

The problem is I need just one real close friend. All I have left are immediate relatives. I've had a relatively close friend here or there over the years, but not now.

And I don't know how to go about it now. There was school when I was younger. Now there's work, but that's not working for this. There are no other forced socializations.

I always thought I'd be OK with sitting here by myself running out the clock on life, but this sucks. I'd like somebody to sit here and complain and make fun of stuff together. I really have a lot to say to someone who I can finally convince myself is safe. At this point, family is it and they're tired of me so I'm staying away from them this weekend.

Stuck with nobody, nowhere to go and nothing to do. What's the point of having any money?

ShadowOnTheWall 02-01-2013 06:25 PM

I also meant to ask, does anyone else have advice for making friends for people in our possible situations? Or what you can tell people in similar situations?

I meant to this to be a thread where we'd gather advice, though I should have said.

ORly 02-01-2013 07:35 PM

What's worked for me is just taking "risks." I tend to have that problem where I have work friends that stay at work and never seem to cross over. Then my best friend started a new job and I saw how she quickly turned her work friend into outside friends. I asked her wtf? How'd you do that?

Basically, What it boiled down too is your talking and obviously getting a long so now what? Just take that risk and say "Hey, Give me your number so I can text you this cool thing/mutual interest later." or "I'm doing X later you should come." Or friend aquantences on FB. It gives you something to talk about and can be a less stressful than face to face maybe? I mean it's very situational as to how you'd phrase it, but the basic principle is the same.

I know it's EXTREMELY hard for me to do this, because I'm terrified of rejection. But, I took her advice and it really did help. I always wondered why these people who seemed to like me would never invite me anywhere or connect outside of work/club/whatever. I made the mistake of assuming that they didn't really like me/were just being polite, but once I started putting my self out there (and believe me it was very anxiety provoking) I really started making stronger connections. These people later told me the reason they didn't bridge the gap themselves is because my demenor (my facial expressions and general interactions fueled by my anxiety) made me appear as though it was I who was just being polite and not really interested in being friends outside of work/school.

dal user 11-13-2013 06:47 PM

Making friends as an adult is imposdible

you make your friends at school and thats it, your social circle starts at school and can sometimes go on through life with the same friends. You cant make friends as an adult as everyone has their own social circle of friends. Making friends at work is a myth as people already have friends and probably dont need or want another friend who they met just through work.

Grog 11-13-2013 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich91 (Post 1068080209)
Making friends as an adult is imposdible

you make your friends at school and thats it, your social circle starts at school and can sometimes go on through life with the same friends. You cant make friends as an adult as everyone has their own social circle of friends. Making friends at work is a myth as people already have friends and probably dont need or want another friend who they met just through work.


I agree with this

Twelve Keyz 11-13-2013 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich91 (Post 1068080209)
Making friends as an adult is impossible.

yeah, seems like college is your last chance unless you're the type to join clubs/groups. I've never been like that personally. I get annoyed when people even suggest joining a club.

seafolly 11-13-2013 09:07 PM

University/college makes it easier to make friends, sure, but it's definitely not the last opportunity. The place where you work is a decent start. Or the dog park where you walk Fido.

I'd say the internet is a really nice stepping stone though making it easy to find likeminded people with a few keystrokes. How that translates to real life is up to you but there's something for everyone. When I look at the friends I talk to the most lately, most of them I met through some online venue (game, website focusing on similar interests, YouTube, etc). But a few of them were from random chance meetings from obligatory gatherings/dinners. Some are former coworkers (but my work place was pretty amazing…I'll admit that's weird).

Idontgetit 11-13-2013 09:09 PM

I agree that the workplace is a good environment to meet new people.. It's where my mom met my dad..

Koloz 11-13-2013 10:17 PM

1 Attachment(s)
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich91 (Post 1068080209)
Making friends as an adult is imposdible

you make your friends at school and thats it, your social circle starts at school and can sometimes go on through life with the same friends. You cant make friends as an adult as everyone has their own social circle of friends. Making friends at work is a myth as people already have friends and probably dont need or want another friend who they met just through work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grog (Post 1068081697)
I agree with this

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twelve Keyz (Post 1068082025)
yeah, seems like college is your last chance unless you're the type to join clubs/groups. I've never been like that personally. I get annoyed when people even suggest joining a club.

I figured this out a long time ago. wtf do we do?

minimized 11-13-2013 10:35 PM

Just join a club! Well, unless that doesn't work. Then you're kinda screwed.

Gentlemen, I think we've gone and stepped in it.

http://rack.3.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyM...d0/Aladdin.gif

ManicXenophobe 11-20-2013 09:23 AM

Our lack of spontaneity may be the major factor keeping us from forming relationships.
On the whole, we avoid people, and only interact with them after calculating the risks. This unfortunately is a double edged sword; our lack of spontaneity prevents us from meeting other people, and acts as a deterrent to other people.
There are other factors, but this is arguably a very prominent one.

Ohio Fatso 11-20-2013 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Idontgetit (Post 1068083689)
I agree that the workplace is a good environment to meet new people

It's good if you can find anyone on or below your level. If most of the people you work with are higher up, forget about it. They will impose that superiority whenever they see fit and let you know that they think they're better than you.

Bosses are ridiculous with the way they put on the nice act, leading you to believe they want to be your friend. Then, they turn around and stick that knife deep into your back when you least expect it.

I understand true constructive criticism and eliminating important mistakes, but the people here zero in on nitpicking and even brag about it. They tell me, "Well, the old guys used to do this to me so now it's my turn." Well, once you freely admit you're making my life more difficult for no damn good reason, you can forget about friendship.

anomnomnom 11-20-2013 12:03 PM

This never occurred to me till recently

The very limited circle of friends I have at the moment are basically from secondary school, haven't really stayed in touch with anyone from uni/my old job and at this job everyone already has their own little circle of friends.

Although I should be grateful I have a couple of friends they have their own lives and plenty of things to be getting on with so really it can be 3-6 months before I even see one of them, so yes it got me thinking I kinda need more, except I don't see where I'm suppose to meet anyone :blank

Was much easier back at school (ignoring the mass bullying) you just sort of..eventually got talking to people near you (even if it did takes years with SA) seems impossible now, like no one has room for any more friends :|

imm0rtAl 11-20-2013 12:38 PM

Joining a club or hobby group won't help you in gaining friends. You'll still be expected to engage with interaction. I believe the main problem is that we care too much.

zonebox 11-20-2013 12:44 PM

Marijuana.. not saying that because I think it is cool to say it. I'm saying it from experience, whenever I smoked it I would have friends.

I don't see the point in friends to be honest, unless there are drugs and booze involved. That is the only way I can be around people and actually be enjoying myself, I think that is why I always have made friends when I smoked.. people can sense that you are enjoying yourself, and it draws them closer to you.

Sorry for such a simplistic answer. It is what worked for me, and if it were not for having kids I would probably be smoking some right now, and be playing a few games with friends.

Umbrella 11-20-2013 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShadowOnTheWall (Post 1060840409)

Thanks for posting this... I found the above link to be especially helpful!!!


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:55 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® ©2000-2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome