Living with parents in your 30s - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Living with parents in your 30s


Is it considered sad, and a failure at life, if you live at home in your 30s, with no prospect of ever being independent again?

Im 32, but moved out of home 4 months ago for the first time, to live with a friend whos 10 years younger than me, but needed a flatmate, and I guess I kind of had feelings for her.
However, im now starting to seriously contemplate moving back home with my parents.

My flatmate parties all the time, especially throwing house parties on nights before I have to be up early in the mornings for work. She has said she wont throw them the nights before she is up early as she's not stupid (no, just inconsiderate). She also has a new girlfriend, and they have sex several times a day, every single day, and often now in the living room confining me to my own bedroom for hours on end.
I get blamed for almost everything. She refuses to stay in for deliveries, or for anything to be sorted, as she gets 'bored' so I have to waste my days off for her. She wont ever wash up or do housework, or bins etc. Im also treated like a servant sometimes.
Sometimes I honestly wonder if im kept around for anything more than to pay half the rent and make her life easier and give her more money to go drinking with each weekend. Generally, I hate the thought of coming 'home' now and ive been getting quite stressed lately by it.
Also with work, they are refusing to pay any overtime, so I am on a 21hr 5 days a week contract, at £7 an hour, which after rent and bills is leaving me with next to nothing, and since moving in my end balance has basically been at a loss. If I dont completely run out of money by the end of this month, I predict i'll be in trouble by next and have to start using my savings, which will keep me going another 3-4 months hopefully. As far as im aware, im not entitled to any benefits or help as don't qualify for anything.
Transport is a third, or possibly even half, of my weekly spendings, because I have to work 5 days a week, but only for 3.75hrs per day, which also prevents me doing much else or getting a second job.

But the trouble is, I dont really want to go back home, as I know if I do, it will be admitting defeat to all those people who said id never last. I will pretty much never be able to move out again.
Even at my age too, there was a 10pm curfew on me at home, that my mother didnt like me out past, my pc was kept in the main living room, and I had little to no privacy or independence, not allowed people over the house etc.
But things would be a lot cheaper again without having to pay rent.

Which brings me to the problem of moving elsewhere. At the moment my rent is £300 a month which includes bills. There is nowhere that seems to be as 'cheap' as that which include bills etc. I earn £585 a month, at least £20 a week transport, £30 on food, £150 on direct debits and credit card repayments, which is already giving me expenses of £650-680 a month minimum - a shortfall of £100 a month.. Getting my own place seems to be pretty much a no go, and the only other friend who would ever let me flatshare has already asked, but says it would be £750 a month rent (south london).

Everyone says I should just move out as im getting so unhappy lately. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 09:27 PM
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living with your parents past a certain age isn't really sad or failure...wasting your time/life on nothingness and not working towards improving your life IS.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 10:34 PM
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At least you lasted 4 months,
you can't predict she would pull that.
I guess try to talk to her and change the situation.
I would give it another 2 months or so, and in that time,
do everything you can to become a winner. Flirt with any people
who come over, drunk chicks or friends of her or better yet find a girl of your own.
If you want her, psychologically, you being with another girl will get her mind going.

If you go back home in the near future, it doesn't have to be a life sentence.
This job to pay that much in transportation and work that few hours is not worth it in
the long run. I would work hard and bite the bullet for another few months AT LEAST to get a good recommendation
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 12:03 AM
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This is a fear of mine not gonna lie. Love my mom but I can't live with her forever
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 12:26 AM
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Embarrassing dude. I'm 21 and still in the basement. A huge contributor to my self esteem issue. I wish they would just buy me an apartment man. My mom was going to do it for me, but then my dad told her not to. OMG.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 12:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnsheppard99 View Post
Is it considered sad, and a failure at life, if you live at home in your 30s, with no prospect of ever being independent again?

Im 32, but moved out of home 4 months ago for the first time, to live with a friend whos 10 years younger than me, but needed a flatmate, and I guess I kind of had feelings for her.
However, im now starting to seriously contemplate moving back home with my parents.

My flatmate parties all the time, especially throwing house parties on nights before I have to be up early in the mornings for work. She has said she wont throw them the nights before she is up early as she's not stupid (no, just inconsiderate). She also has a new girlfriend, and they have sex several times a day, every single day, and often now in the living room confining me to my own bedroom for hours on end.
I get blamed for almost everything. She refuses to stay in for deliveries, or for anything to be sorted, as she gets 'bored' so I have to waste my days off for her. She wont ever wash up or do housework, or bins etc. Im also treated like a servant sometimes.
Sometimes I honestly wonder if im kept around for anything more than to pay half the rent and make her life easier and give her more money to go drinking with each weekend. Generally, I hate the thought of coming 'home' now and ive been getting quite stressed lately by it.
Also with work, they are refusing to pay any overtime, so I am on a 21hr 5 days a week contract, at £7 an hour, which after rent and bills is leaving me with next to nothing, and since moving in my end balance has basically been at a loss. If I dont completely run out of money by the end of this month, I predict i'll be in trouble by next and have to start using my savings, which will keep me going another 3-4 months hopefully. As far as im aware, im not entitled to any benefits or help as don't qualify for anything.
Transport is a third, or possibly even half, of my weekly spendings, because I have to work 5 days a week, but only for 3.75hrs per day, which also prevents me doing much else or getting a second job.

But the trouble is, I dont really want to go back home, as I know if I do, it will be admitting defeat to all those people who said id never last. I will pretty much never be able to move out again.
Even at my age too, there was a 10pm curfew on me at home, that my mother didnt like me out past, my pc was kept in the main living room, and I had little to no privacy or independence, not allowed people over the house etc.
But things would be a lot cheaper again without having to pay rent.

Which brings me to the problem of moving elsewhere. At the moment my rent is £300 a month which includes bills. There is nowhere that seems to be as 'cheap' as that which include bills etc. I earn £585 a month, at least £20 a week transport, £30 on food, £150 on direct debits and credit card repayments, which is already giving me expenses of £650-680 a month minimum - a shortfall of £100 a month.. Getting my own place seems to be pretty much a no go, and the only other friend who would ever let me flatshare has already asked, but says it would be £750 a month rent (south london).

Everyone says I should just move out as im getting so unhappy lately. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry but your friend sounds like a selfish horrible person, you should try to find another flatmate somehow, someone who might treat you with more consideration and respect. I don't think this girl is your friend at all, I think she is only using you. You need to get away from her.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 12:33 AM
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Only you can decide if you would rather live with the current situation and endure financial struggles or if you would rather move back home (doesn't have to be permanent!!) and have little privacy and thoughts that people are looking down upon you for doing so. So which one appeals to you more?
In my opinion it could be an irrational thought that people will make judgements about you living at home. If not then you should try not to care or think about how others will view that.
I do not think its sad at all to still be living with your parents, I think it would take more courage to go back home then live somewhere you don't feel comfortable.

Don't stress, do your best, forget the rest.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 12:39 AM
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it's stupid how people get shamed for this. living w/ an annoying roommate (or roommates) seems more hellish than living w/ family members.

a lot of people live at home past 30. i remember my aunt lived w/ my grandpa (w/ her kids) for awhile in her 40s. i know of people that are older that live at home because they help their family members out or are their caretaker. things are more expensive now, too, so people will live at home to save money. i think it's a lot more common than people think.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 02:05 AM
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I'm in my early 20s and still live with my mom. I just graduated college too. I don't see anything wrong with it, if you're doing something with your life. It only seems to be a problem if you're sitting around doing nothing.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 02:35 AM
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I'm still living at home with the parents. It's more down to finances than anything else. I've felt just about 'ready' to move out in recent years. I would like my own space and privacy.

Thanks to earning barely more than minimum wage however, this rules me out of just about any mortgage. Even the cheapest places to rent around here are getting on for half my monthly income. This is before considering any domestic bills and food… I'd seriously struggle to survive. I've tried to explain this to work colleagues but they immediately rubbish this, keeping on forgetting that I don't have the privilege of a girlfriend/dual income.

After saying I'd like my own space and privacy, which I would, I honestly wouldn’t know what to actually do. I'd end up sitting on my computer desk chair (as I have no other soft furniture barring my bed), watching TV in an empty room. I suppose I could move it from room to room just to give me a chance of scenery every so often… My own place would seem like a waste to me as I'd be the only one there, with almost no furnishings…

Do I feel embarrassed by still living at home? Hmm…a little bit, yes. I never felt like that until I was about 25/26. I was on Facebook at the time where it dawned on me that everyone (and I really do mean everyone) I knew had already moved out and some were onto their second properties. However, all of them had the privilege of having a partner – there for double the income.

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 03:22 AM
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Sounds like she's using you man, I'd get the hell outta there.
Although your mom sounds like Hitler reincarnated.

**** really sucks man. How's the options for some kind of alternative living where you live? Perhaps you could live in a trailer or something?

If I were in your situation I think I'd almost consider going homeless. You're pretty tough.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 04:53 AM
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The employment and benefits system in this country is a joke if you're a single man. There's very little support these days if you have mental illness.

Maybe it would be best to move back in with your parents for the short term and start again with a new plan when you can afford to move out. Lots of people live with their parents nowadays so you aren't the only one.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 05:04 AM
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Well, I don't support suicide or anything but that'd certainly look like an appealing alternative to living with my parent for that long.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 05:16 AM
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im 30 and still live at home it dosn't bother me i hope to move out someday in my mid 30's i like to have my own place by then
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 07:30 AM
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You'll probably be annoyed by my saying this, but wow, having a lesbian friend that has sex with her girlfriend several times a day in the living room? That is hot, I wish I was there to hear and watch it. That's like a voyeuristic fantasy of so many guys.
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 07:55 AM
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I'm an only child and my parents have 3 houses...hopefully they give me one to live in...but I wouldn't call it failing for living with your parents until you get back up on your feet. If you would be a bit happier and stable with changing living situations like that then go for it because sounds like your roommate is an ***, probably purposefully. That 10pm curfew though.

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If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 09:21 AM
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You'll probably be annoyed by my saying this, but wow, having a lesbian friend that has sex with her girlfriend several times a day in the living room? That is hot, I wish I was there to hear and watch it. That's like a voyeuristic fantasy of so many guys.
Sex is painful to watch/listen to if you aren't getting any. At least for me. (porn is different)
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 09:45 AM
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Not if youre doing something with yourself but definately get out of the situation youre in now.
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 09:55 AM
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Getting your own apartment, (I live alone for many years) on PAPER seems like a Godsend. The bottom line is, it only solves so much. If you are not
stable, have friends, have potential to meet women or men whatever, living alone can be devastating in many ways.

I honestly miss my parents, or really anything or anyone, it beats me alone losing my mind in seclusion.

For most people, getting an apartment of their own is a huge step and symbolic of their independence. Along with the apartment,
they seem to move in, bring friends with them, find a girlfriend, work, travel, hang with their buddies and their girlfriend.

In my case, that has not really happened. My point is, if you are a mess like me, living with parents for a while is not a bad thing
and an apartment can also hypothetically be a miserable hellhole, even without annoying roommates
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 10-01-2015, 11:02 AM
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Mate, get out of there! I've been in a similar-ish situation and let me tell you, it's better to go back to living with your parents for a short while than putting up with flat mates that make you feel awful.

slow progress is still progress.
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