Listening to others - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
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Listening to others


Do u guys ever get stuck in situations where u spend so long listening to other people's problems, yet they don't ever spend time wanting to listen to you? I seem to attract these kinda ppl and have done my whole life, and its kinda depressing because I seem to always attract negative emotions. Maybe its cos I don't talk much...

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 10:30 AM
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Re: Listening to others


I don't mind as long as it's interesting. Most of the stories or complaints people tell me I find boring. When I get bored, I get nervous and just want to walk away from them.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 11:18 AM
 
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Re: Listening to others


I know someone that only ever talks about what's going on in his life and if I try to say anything he gets instantly bored, like my life doesn't matter or isn't as interesting (which to be fair, it isn't at the moment). I know he doesn't mean it, he is a little self obsessed and always moving from one perceived crisis to the next. I don't mind too much and I have moved beyond any resentment as we have known eachother so long and I know it's just his way. I don't 'attract' his type of personality, I don't attract anyone. I did put the phone down on him once however.

Perhaps you seem like a sympathetic firgure, someone people can trust to talk to. People often need someone to unload onto and to just listen and listening back in return doesn't even occur to them. If it gets too much you could always say something to them about it.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 12:18 PM
 
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Re: Listening to others


Quote:
Originally Posted by shy_girl
Do u guys ever get stuck in situations where u spend so long listening to other people's problems, yet they don't ever spend time wanting to listen to you? I seem to attract these kinda ppl and have done my whole life, and its kinda depressing because I seem to always attract negative emotions. Maybe its cos I don't talk much...
Yeah, I've been in that situation all too much. It gets tiring after a while when no one wants to listen to you gripe complain or just let out something that you need to talk about too.

One g/f that I used to talk to daily (hence 'used to talk to'...) would go on and on about her problems with her b/f, her job, her family for hours, every time we talked/chatted, saw each other in person. Once in a while, she would shut up long enough to let me gripe about something but that was rare.

The usual cause of me getting into this situation is that I'm generally an empathetic person and I do like helping people any way I can but there's a time when it gets to be too much. I got to the point where it was draining me emotionally and I had to put a stop to it. Now, I only listen to those who I care about as I know they understand that I have limits to what I can handle. And they make the effort to give me 'equal air time'.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 01:05 PM
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Re: Listening to others


Yes, I attract these types of people, because many years ago I read in a self-help book that listening to others helps you make friends. So I started listening and encouraging others to speak, while barely speaking myself because my mind is always blank in social situations. But the result is that people just take advantage of me, I've certainly not made any friends because of that. I now don't know how to find a balance between showing empathy and not letting people moan at you for ages.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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Re: Listening to others


Yes, I have several in my life. I've found it interesting, the whole confiding situation. How some of us are naturally provides a place of safety for others to express themselves in. Mostly people just want to externalise their feelings and experience, vent etc. And we are the available and right people to do it with as if there is some open place we have sitting right there.
Many of us crave for that person in our own lives, the one who will listen without judgment, who will not cut us off or tell us what would be a better way to think or feel. There aren't that many people out there who provide that kind of listening.
So when we are providing that service to another human being but our own needs for an effective listener in our own lives isn't met, it can meet with resentment after a while. This is quite natural I found and I came to understand what it meant for me. I used to feel so guilty about getting p***ed off with all the listening til I realised this jewel - that I wasn't having my needs met.
Nowdays, I still listen but I am comfortable to do so and far more effective and compassionate about it. Empathetic without getting absorbed in their issues but most importantly I have my own special listeners who I rely on, and they just happen to be professional listeners. It makes a difference plus I have learnt from them as well.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-30-2007, 10:14 PM
 
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Re: Listening to others


I don't mind it much. I like listening to other people and sometimes it's interesting and just cool to hear what other people's thoughts are. I usually share my thoughts and stuff too while on the subject of what they're talking about.. if I could relate to it sooo they be listening to me anyways(at least I hope they areee). because usually only close people share important things with me, so I'm usually comfy to talk to them about stuff too and they don't ignore me. people I hardly know :o don't really confide in me soo Idk. aand if people don't listen to me... then I would feel like I don't have to listen to them either(not really a friend if they don't listen to you imo)
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