Guys, it is too damn hard for me to try and express what I want through just this words, but this will unfortunately be all that is left from me for you, and by now you will probably know the reason why.
Working with you was both the most amazing and torturing experience of my life. You made it amazing by being you, but I turned it into torture by being me.*
I never thought I could care so much about other people in my life as I did. Maybe my actions reflected a different thing when I was just not able to hide my inner demons; but I need you to know that I valued you all deeply with all my heart.*
I felt the luckiest person in the world for having been given the chance to share some memories with you. Every single missed opportunity, every mistake in my life was totally worth it, because it eventually led me to this job, to amazing friends, to soul crushing loves, to colorful characters I never imagined will be part of my life. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
John you are awesome and I am glad you know it (no narcissistic pun intended). You were the closest to a friend I ever had (I know how sad that sounds), and I thank you for that, for being by my side the last years. In all honesty I admired your life, even envy it. Spending time with you was awesome but extremely exhausting because you were a constant reminder of what was missing in my life, what I needed to be happy. I wish I had even a fraction of your self confidence. Your way with words, the easiness you approached people with,
the way you made those around you laugh, that required a special kind of quality, and nothing of that was a part of me even when sometimes I tried to fake it. At the end of the day, confidence requires to be built over a strong foundation, and I was walking over quicksand.
Keep living to the max as you have done so far; there's too much beauty out there that needs to be appreciated, I would hate to know someone like you equipped with nature best tools won't be capable of.
I was not training a teammate, I was training my replacement.
Matt, what a character you are, and I say it in the best sense of the word. Never did I meet someone so passionate about what he does, so cheerful, so willing to give his best no matter the obstacles in the road. There was always a smile on your face even when there was nothing to laugh about. I thank you for trying to cheer me up, to share your energy with me, and I am sorry most of the time I couldn't respond to that. I know sometimes you felt I had something against you, and I am so sorry for that, I had nothing but a deep respect and admiration for you, and I wanted to be your friend, I really do; but, the thing is, the closer I got to people the more lonely I felt, the more inadequate and worthless, so I had to keep my distance, it was my only alternative. So whenever I was grumpy, or in a bad mood, please understand I didn't want to, I just was extremely tired of putting myself out there only to get cut down and have my heart and spirit undermined every time.
Steven, thank you for giving me the chance of being part of this team, my life turned around for better when I started working with you; up until that point I felt I was beyond hope in regards to my professional self.You took me under*your wing and had the patience to teach me about what we do, and I grew up with time to become the person I ended up being. I am greatful to say I could see you more as a friend than as a boss, such a strange thing. You are a great leader and it was a pleasure working with you.*
Julie, we never really had the chance to talk much, and I really regret that because I tthought of you as someone with strong convictions, not afraid to speak her mind, someone warm and caring. Those are traits I would always have wanted in a friend. I thank you for listening me when we had those conversations, I am really sorry I was not able to follow your advice.*
Caroline, it is too difficult to know where to start when writing about you, my heart just keeps beating faster as I think of you...I was bewitched by your beauty from the moment I met you, and bewildered by your presence every one of my days. Everything about you exuded life, and I couldn't more than admire and fall for the person you are. I wish I had the chance to know more about you, but I understand there was a * * * insurmountable barrier between us (that's just the way nature is, unalterable despite my efforts).*
I am sorry for feeling the way I felt about you. I don't really know how I might have been perceived by you; a creep? a weirdo? a pathetic man-child? an ugly annoyance? It really doesn't matter. All I know is that somehow it was uncomfortable for you, a burden you didn't ask for, and it hurt me just to think about that.
And even though it hurts me, you will have to forgive me for not wanting to keep this emotion inside, for being selfish one last time. You see, people might think it would be weird or ridiculous for me to say that a part of me loved you, but to me it felt just like that.*I guess love has a different meaning for everyone. Wasn't it love when I taught you about what I do? When I shared my personal work notes with you?*Those small gestures, those meaningless conversations we occasionally had were*my stupid way of expressing my feelings, they*were acts of love for me. I just wanted to see you happy, your smile that filled my heart with joy sufficed to me.*
I am really glad I had the chance to meet you, of admiring the beauty this world was capable of, even if it was incredible hurtful only to withstand being around you. I wished with all my heart I was someone good enough for you to notice, but I was simply not. Can there be a worse nightmare than dreaming about something you know will never come true?
Be good guys, I will miss you too much. Just know that I only want the best for you. I am convinced of your success in life.*Your future is bright and full of opportunities, please cherish them. And if you ever happen to think of me along the road, I beg you to try and remember something you might have perceived as good in me, not the person that has left you.*
You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and so am I.*
Vodka for Steven. No need to explain.
Pistachios for Julie. I know how much you like them.
Pen for Caroline. Another one for your collection.
Chocolate for Matt. Because you just love food.
Shirt for John. You can use this one on fridays.