Just wanna live/feel normal (without meds)
Have you ever thought why you have to feel the way you feel, and live the way you live?
I thought about it today. And it sucks!
2 years ago, I received my diagnose depression and anxiety disorder (mainly social phobia).
First thing is, that I don't know why I should be depressed. I don't have any reason.
I did cry for no reason a few months ago, then I increased my medication, so since then I rarely cried anymore.
In school I did always feel on tense. ALWAYS! I know it's 1 year ago, because I then eventually started taking medication, and I'm still taking it.
But I feel like the medication also makes it a bit hard to feel really enthusiastic.
As a kid, I know that I was enthusiastic in situations. But now I feel different.
In my opinion, that really sucks!!
I don't feel the fully true pleasure. I feel happy most of the time (or let's say at least not depressed) but why can't I also feel true enthusiasm for things? Maybe that's the way I am and it's not the medication.
Even if the medication makes me slightly numb, I need taking it because I need it.
For example, 2 years ago (before taking medication), I always got heart racing in the morning while on the way to school. Didn't know why because I had it also on days without tests or anything else.
But some teachers liked it to let their pupils do their work on the board in front of the class. Everytime this teacher came into class, my heart started racing and I sweated a lot.
Even the other time I couldn't really relax. I was always on tense.
During this year, I was on a very low dosage of my current medication. During this time, I was to some extend stable. But after a half year, my uncontrollably crying began (again).
For no reason I had tears in my eyes during lesson in school. I'm often tired in school, so I drank a cup of coffee and after a while I began feeling worse and cried. But I don't think coffee triggered it.
Anyway! I really cried a week before school trip. Cried the whole week almost every day uncontrollably. Couldn't understand why, because my classmates are really nice and the teachers too. In the end the whole trip was nice. So I don't understand why I cried.
So I think I have to stay on medication or at least till my graduation.
Or maybe somebody here can tell me about an alternative thing instead of SSRIs to cope with emotional and anxiety issues. Tried many things, to hypnosis, herbal things, bioresonance, and so on. Acupuncture did help me a bit. Now I'm taking amino acids which are based on my blood test (or at least should be). They should help me with fatigue mainly. Maybe they do slightly a thing, but also made my nervousness a bit worse. (probably the phenylalanine in there).
Of all things, medication made my issues at least controllable.
Maybe I should take it until graduation and then move away to Colorado or other country where I can legally smoke some relaxing weed (and not the panic inducing strong thc strains). If smoking weed would be the thing, I would do it everyday. But I don't experience any pleasure from it, which makes me also a bit depressed. I only get the feeling like being in the whole matrix (like the movie) which frightens me really.
Maybe indica-strains are relaxing for me, which I only can buy in legal states.