Is it ok to just give up? - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 58 (permalink) Old 08-15-2020, 08:02 AM
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never give up, never surrender


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post #42 of 58 (permalink) Old 08-17-2020, 01:22 PM
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What's the sense of social interactions? When the supercomputers designed a mind for people to use empathy, facial expressions, perceptual awareness, and words incorrectly.

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post #43 of 58 (permalink) Old 08-26-2020, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Hi, sorry I couldn't answer before. Had limited internet access.

@CopadoMexicano : Yeah, I think I finally understand that all of this issue depends on a matter of self image. In my case, I see myself as undeserving of love, as a burden or a bother so the only way I can interact with others is by trying to please them in any way I can. And that is unhealthy, and that is what attracts such toxic people or makes even the best of the best take advantage. Because all this time, it's true, I've been faking who I truly am in order to satisfy others' needs. And of course, in romantic relationships, that makes you unattractive as well hence my difficulty with finding a partner. Because nobody wants a person who doesn't have a sense of self, who doesn't have her/his own likes and dislikes. So yeah, I will start reading about how to build up confidence as you said and also how to set up healthy boundaries and learn to have my own voice.


@Disheveled and Lost : Actually I've been reading about it and you are right, I am trying too hard, that is my problem and has always been. I always try to be the supportive person who would always be there for the others, always putting their necessities over mine, never saying no. Of course, there comes the time when I just can't take it anymore and I lose my temper or simply I get too depressive and so, when that happens, people get really offended and leave. It's my fault and it's always been for not knowing how to set boundaries. Without those, I make myself a person who is impossible to read, but whose solely existence is focused on making others happy.... I don't know how I got into this mindset, but I know that I can get rid of it now that I can see it... it may take some time, but I will definitely start working on it.

Like, with small things... like, if someone does something I don't like, then call it, say I don't like it. My problem is trying to please everyone because in reality I don't feel deserving of love, I never had... I don't know why I always thought of myself as someone undesirable... so yeah, I have to go and overdo it for people to at least notice me. Because yeah, it feels nice when they come to you because you can help them and you feel great because you are helping them. But when the time comes you are the one in trouble, then all of those ones who once told you they "loved you" leave... because the only version they've liked about you was the happy, supportive one... which is, in fact, a fake...

@Persephone The Dread : Hahahaha what's with that meme! I've never seen it before!! xD

@sabbath9 : Thanks for the song, though I don't like that type of music so much hahahaha

@EmotionlessThug : Hahaha I guess the supercomputers thought that would make it more entertaining. I always like to believe that if there is a god or goddess or a collective of gods and goddesses who created us, they should be having so much fun seeing us struggle and fight and come to terms and fight again hahahaha they must secretly love sitcoms hahahaha
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post #44 of 58 (permalink) Old 08-26-2020, 10:46 AM
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@Hadara

yeah I don't know lol. I found it in the responses to some tweet at some point and bookmarked it. That's also how I discovered 'what the cinnamon toast **** is this' which is great.
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post #45 of 58 (permalink) Old 08-26-2020, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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@Hadara

yeah I don't know lol. I found it in the responses to some tweet at some point and bookmarked it. That's also how I discovered 'what the cinnamon toast **** is this' which is great.

Hahahaha just googled that one as well hahahahaha so great!! Hahahaha xD
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post #46 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 08:53 AM
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@Hadara

I think your problem is you are too kind and nice and polite. It is like if you watch Mr. Rodgers and part of you is like, "can this guy curse or be rude just to break it up a little?" From just your way of typing, you sound nice and kind almost to the point that is makes you boring. I am not saying you are boring, but from what i noticed, most women are attracted to men who have an edge, they might have a motorcycle and a leather jacket and drink and smoke or be rebellious in some way. With women, I also think rebellious women where you don't know where you stand with them, those are the types that men go nuts over. The bookworm types tend to be ignored and invisible. I don't think you should be a complete jerk literally, but you need a little more of that. If that means cursing a little or making a few lewd sex jokes, then so be it. At least it will show people that you are a little more punk or rebellious or something. There is a fine line. You can't be a complete jerk and obnoxious. I personally don't have the energy to deal with people or relationships anymore. I perfected a lot of those techniques and dated some gorgeous women and had friends but this was a long time ago. It appears my luck with people has run out completely, but i also don't have the patience for anyone or to strategize or say or do the right thing with people. Everything is just too exhausting. You not feeling deserving of love, I don't think that is that strange at all, and I am sure most people have feelings like that. The key is hiding all of that when you are with people. You can't be around friends or potential dates and say things like, "Do you like me? I feel I am not deserving of love?" All that will turn people off. Like i said, dealing with people and being popular is a full-time job and takes a ton of energy. You are paying the price in some way, and I personally don't have the energy for all of that BS anymore. Yea well it is sad but people don't want any negativity really or to get into long-winded deep conversations. They want a couple of witty remarks from you every once in a while. They have their own problems and your own issues and things should all be put to the side when dealing with people. Even if you know someone a long time, you want to avoid anything too heavy, because they see it as a weakness in you and don't even want to hear it
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post #47 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 08:59 AM
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All I can say is, if you do give up, make damn sure you won't regret it later. Even giving up requires commitment and a strong foundation, else you can suddenly find yourself 10 years down the road feeling like you wasted a chunk of your life because of cowardice/laziness/stupidity/etc. And that time ain't ever coming back.
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post #48 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 09:58 AM
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People can be mean, annoying and even target you especially if you feel like a victim. Feeling like a helpless teenager and unable to express my feelings is a taxing and troublesome dilemma. I think people can pick on people who lack firmness and I just dont have that rougher edge of personality. To make matters worse be taken advantage of. But theres always things can be worse issue. Not that anyone wants that. I just rather be alone and not have any friends then one fake friend that helps me financially even though the friendship wasnt true but a violation of my confidence and trust. Its very sad I would spend almost twenty years with the same individual just to later realize it wasnt a true friendship. Now Im trying to match attitudes that I can relate with here or anywhere with people struggling with mental health conditions.

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post #49 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 11:46 AM
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Yes, it will set you free.
But socializing on here at least would be a good idea.

OP, just talk on this board for a while. Maybe things will look different in about 6 months or so. In the meantime, it is quite ok to take a break. I don't know about setting you free but taking a break is ok.
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post #50 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 12:05 PM
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I think OP gave up : /






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #51 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 02:22 PM
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I think OP gave up : /
But if they did, was it okay?
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post #52 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-09-2020, 04:22 PM
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@chrisinmd : Well, it's not like I don't go out. I'm not too eager of going to bars but I've tried going to artists meetings (since I'm an artist myself), language exchange meetings, participating on workshops, things like that, so that I could meet new people, but the story is always the same. And no, I'm not overweight, I'm quite "petite", you know? Like, very short but not too thin, not too chubby. And it is not like I don't know how to dress. People actually say I have a nice style. The only problem I have is that I can't use make up because I'm allergic to it, so I can't use eyeliner, maybe lipstick, but never put anything on my eyes.

My hair is curly and my eyes are deep brown (to the point they look black). I'm always well dressed and generally open to talk to anyone who approaches me.

The other problem I have is my obvious "indigenous" features. I'm Latinamerican, but even though I don't have a dark skin, I have those features on my face which I just can't change. It's my racial features which I just can't change if I don't undergo plastic surgery which I don't want to do just in order to satisfy a bunch of men.


Well sounds like you are at least average or attractive from your description so that isnt the issue. Thats good because a lot of physical things cant be fixed. If it is your personality at least that is fixable or can be improved for the most part. So I guess the way for you would be to improve your conversation or socials skills in some way.

What part of US do you live in? Latin American features are pretty common in most of the country now. So that should not be a deal breaker for most people unless you live in some highly racist community that is 99 percent white or some racial makeup that hates Latin Americans. Dont think that is a whole lot of area these days.
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post #53 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 11:17 AM
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First of all, thank you so much, everyone, for your answers.


@Disheveled and Lost :Well, this is what I've been doing for quite a while, searching for new ways to entertain myself so I don't feel lonely. I'm an artist so I always found a way to cope up whenever I had this problem. This problem began when I was 10 years old, at that time I created myself imaginary friends. When it continued during my teenage years, I wrote a novel in which I was part of it so that I could have "friends" that would like me. In my University years, I tried setting limits with the people around me, I still get in contact with them but, since I was still the "genius", they only talk to me when they need something. That was the time I got into comics as a way to release everything. Then came my first job, I met lots of people I no longer have contact with. Then my second job was as a teacher, only perverted older teachers approached me; the other ones ran away from me and my female coworkers didn't want anything with me, one (who was previously my teacher) got to the point of not wanting to even say hi to me and began bullying me whenever she could. Then I left my country to study because I was tired of the same, and now in this new country I am facing racism. My master degree's classmates don't talk to me anymore, they used to ignore me at class anyway.



I can't help but see a pattern... that there must be something wrong with me. It's impossible that so many people hate me because of them, there's something in me. But if that something has "always been there", how am I supposed to even see it or change it?
So yeah, I guess so far I've been using lots of coping mechanisms to survive loneliness. Sometimes they work, but sometimes they don't, as you say, because the mind really likes to play tricks.


@LostWords : Thanks a lot or being blunt! I'd rather have that kind of answer. I don't need it to be sugar coated.

Yeah, I know I really need to seek therapy, I guess the fact I'm running away from it is the same as why I'm thinking of giving up. It's the fact that I would have to see another person and interact and share things with him/her. I know this person is like, trained to do it, but how can I trust him/her? I know I should not give up, you are right, I know I should not to some degree, but at some point, I just feel so tired now. I feel defective, like, there definitely must be something wrong with me which I just can't change that gives me such bad luck with people.


@Paul : Thank you so much for clarifying it for me <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a> Yeah, you are right, I think I just have to be more direct and just have the ability to let go more often. Thank you so much for your advice.

@chrisinmd : Well, it's not like I don't go out. I'm not too eager of going to bars but I've tried going to artists meetings (since I'm an artist myself), language exchange meetings, participating on workshops, things like that, so that I could meet new people, but the story is always the same. And no, I'm not overweight, I'm quite "petite", you know? Like, very short but not too thin, not too chubby. And it is not like I don't know how to dress. People actually say I have a nice style. The only problem I have is that I can't use make up because I'm allergic to it, so I can't use eyeliner, maybe lipstick, but never put anything on my eyes.

My hair is curly and my eyes are deep brown (to the point they look black). I'm always well dressed and generally open to talk to anyone who approaches me.

The other problem I have is my obvious "indigenous" features. I'm Latinamerican, but even though I don't have a dark skin, I have those features on my face which I just can't change. It's my racial features which I just can't change if I don't undergo plastic surgery which I don't want to do just in order to satisfy a bunch of men.



@rab id foxes: I like your idea of meeting friends on a casual basis, it really lifts the idea of the emotional investment... now, do you have some tips in order to do that? Like, I've been to bars and cafés by myself but it is not like people will approach you just because they see you are alone. And I also don't think it is a good idea to take the lead and go ahead and say hi to everyone around. I also don't wanna be seen as being too desperate hahahaha

@Persephone Te Dread: Hahahaha, maybe I have, but that's all of the men I've met so far.

@Dissipated : Well, yeah, I guess I learned all those languages in my desire to finally be able to communicate with other people. I've always been alone and so, learning new languages, makes me feel like I'll have more opportunities to communicate with even more people... so far, yeah, some of those languages have helped me communicate with others and that feels really great, but I'm still unable to make friends no matter how many languages I've learned. I guess the part of saying NO more often could really be helpful. It's hard for me to say NO since the two times I've ever said no to something really struck me hard. First time was with a teacher, to whom I said I didn't want to participate in a school event and since that time she decided to never ask me again and then my entire school life of bullying began. And the second time was with a friend, I told her I couldn't help her because I was feeling tired and didn't have the time at that moment... a week later she had committed suicide.
Sounds like you are quite self conscious about your looks. That's ok. I get it. We get it.
Its difficult to *not* obsess over it. But not impossible.

You are allergic to make-up. Tough break.
I saw a guy once who had a fever but was allergic to all antipyretics (go figure).

Its only over when you give up.
You are only hopelessly ugly if you give up and stop caring for your body.

I believe you are beautiful. There's a whole community of indigenous people where I live. And they are very proud of their physical features, and they should be proud; they were the first people. Their ancestors fought off the Europeans and survived, whilst other tribes perished. They are a strong people.

As for me. I'm black. My hair is curly. When I was younger I used to wish I inherited more indigenous features so that my hair would be straighter.

But you know what. It doesn't matter. With a good haircut and exercise I imagine myself as Vin Diesel, or Tyrese.

My point is....be proud of your racial featues !

If you are white and got blue eyes...let those blue eyes shine.

If you're black and you got that melanin, rock that beautiful black skin.

And if you are indigenous and you got that straight hair and indigenous face....rock it with no shame !

I disagree with the whole "I don't see colour" narrative....we are all different races and all races have beautiful features.
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post #54 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 01:08 PM
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So I've been wondering about this for the past days, but since I don't have anyone I can trust I decided to ask here.

So I think I've reached a point in my life where I just don't care about human relationships at all and what I mean by that is that I don't care about making friends or starting a relationship. All of my life so far people have only been taking advantage of me, made fun of me or abandoned me when I needed the most. I got so used to being treated poorly or simply being ignored that I just don't care anymore. I mean, if someone wants to talk to me, then so be it; but if they don't, then I don't care.

I've come to a point where I don't even feel sad nor happy about it, it's just a feeling of numbness. I no longer expect anything from anyone. In my mind, I can't help but think: who cares? They are all going to leave in the end. In the end, I'll always be alone, so why care?

This goes for everything as I said before: friendships, relationships, family, it's the same. I really just feel so tired of this whole process of meeting new people, getting to know each other, sharing a few things together and then seeing them all leave and start over. It's just so tiring and I no longer want to be part of it.

In the case of romantic relationships, it seems more of a hassle to me. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't think I'll ever be... I'm not pretty at all (not physically attractive) nor out of the ordinary, maybe a little way too nerdy and extremely boring to hang out with. Like, why would anyone choose "me" instead of all of those wonderful girls around me who are prettier, more cheerful and kinder than me?

I really don't want you to pity me or tell me, no, don't worry, you'll meet the right person when the right time comes because that's not true. I think that's a lie and the world is just a much more bothersome place.Relationships mean hard work, but to be honest, they are too bothersome for me. I don't mind being alone and if I could only retrieve myself to an abandoned island I would so do it hahahaha

All I want to ask is if you consider it is ok to just give up, don't mind anymore. And what I mean by it is to just shrug everything off, like, who cares? People come and go, people have their own problems to deal with. The best I can do is to try not to bother anyone and that's all.

Thanks in advance for your advice and I hope everyone is doing fine

It looks like you are seeking connection. Quality relationships. Am I right? Sincerity isn't a common trait these days in the world unfortunately nor is loyalty. The older generations understood that better...


People are selfish now. You can have friends, but companionship is something more.


Quality relationships happen when people share interests. They share the same values and because of that they like being around each other all the time and enjoy each others company. You should be around people who always make you comfortable but you can't avoid people who are going to hurt you, you can minimize that though.



I wouldn't isolate yourself trust me on that I have been doing it for a while and it is incredibly painful and to prevent myself from deteriorating I force myself to talk to people or I'll forget how to speak (just like in prison).



There are certain communities which have a healthy social life like volunteering at a charity or some ethnic backgrounds where the social aspect of life/family is given very high priority (you being a someone who travels would know).


Your social life is a necessity for healthy brain function.
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post #55 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 03:18 PM
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@CNikki : Yeah, like, I don't think I can make friends from just going out once or twice. The thing is that I always feel stranded, like I'm ignored most of the time. What I wished to know is why this happens? If it has something to do with me, how can I know what I'm doing wrong? Like, maybe I am too pushy? Or too nervous? Or too insecure? Or maybe trying too hard? Like, I don't know


@kesker and @Omni-slash : I put you two together because you seem to have the same thoughts. Well, yeah, I find all of this drama about making friends quite bothersome and annoying, overly difficult and frustrating, but, aside from spinach which you can simply ignore and go eat anything else, you can't just stop caring about people in general and simply go to live alone for the rest of your life. I mean, because even if I like being alone and I have no problem being alone, it's not like I could go on an entire life being alone. Considering phraseology, I don't quite understand the comparison of social relationships with spinach, but I quite enjoyed it to be honest hahaha

@IWantMoreLife : It's ok, thank you so much for actually taking the time to research that, I really appreciate it.

Hahahaha I guess I really like learning new languages and yeah, I speak French!


Yeah, I mean, I know I'm pretty bad at socializing, like I don't have that kind of intelligence developed. Like, I can learn a bunch of complicated things really fast, excel at almost any assignment or exam, but I just don't know the basics of social interactions. I used to be even worse before, barely able to speak to anyone, let alone a stranger; but I've tried, through tutorials on the internet and reading a few articles, to teach myself basic ways of interacting. And I've been working with those all this time, trying to get better at each interaction and learning from my past mistakes.


However, I think I feel frustrated mostly because of that, because I've been training so hard, learning new ways of socializing and even left my country and crossed the ocean to start anew and yet, I keep failing. I mean, yeah, it has to do a little bit with the fact that I can easily solve any other theoretical problem, but I just can't do what others may seem to be so basic: make friends,and even less have a romantic relationship.


I see all these people having so much fun with their friends like that wasn't difficult at all. I have this girl I know who has new dates almost every week; I see this other guy who's an a*****e, but gets all the girls,and then I see my ever complaining roommate having her long term relationship and her bunch of friends. And I'm still this one who goes to walk alone, who goes shopping alone and literally does everything on her own. And I wonder, why? It's not that I feel better than them, in no way possible, I think we all have our shortcomings, but really, are mine really that bad that nobody wants to hang out with me? Really? Am I such a horrible person?
I mean, when I see all these people with all their shortcomings being successful with relationships, it reassures me at some point, because that makes me think, well, we don't have to be perfect to be liked; but then it makes me conflicted, like, I began questioning myself: what am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm still playing to be too perfect? Maybe I'm too much of a people-pleaser? Like, I try to be the less annoying I can, but then nothing seems to go right. Like, maybe I should let people see my shortcomings as well?


I read the distortions you left in the comment and I think maybe 4 and 10, like I always blame myself if something goes wrong.


By the way, I don't think being a girl makes it any easier, at least it has never done it for me. I'm not physically attractive, you know? So maybe that drug only works with physically attractive girls on which I've seen things tend to go a little smoother.

Thanks for your detailed answer.
OP, your experiences are very relatable. I always wonder what it is that prevents me from making meaningful social connections. I feel worse when I am with others...everyone with their spouses, talking about trips, weddings, etc. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there feeling lonely with little to contribute.

Whatever route you take, I hope you find happiness.
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post #56 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-21-2020, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to thank every single one of you who gave me advice. I'm sorry I couldn't answer before but I am so drained right now, so stressed and frustrated I just couldn't find the time nor the motivation to go online. Things in my life keep turning for the worst, every single month is even worse than the last one, I can no longer take it anymore.
Sorry I can't answer to every single one of you ,but I read all your answers.


After everything that has happened to me in the past two months, I've lost all of my trust on people, I'm sorry, I can't anymore, I'm tired of people and the only thing I wish is that I didn't have to do anything with people anymore. To hide, alone, and never ever have to deal with people anymore. I can no longer take any of this... about what happened on this month, I was even at a risk of being killed because of someone else's actions.

No, no more faith in humanity, wished we were all wiped out from this planet once and for all. I'm tired.



So if you ask me, yes, I gave up already, I'll no longer try to make any meaningful relationships, I don't care anymore if I end up alone, I don't care. I'd rather be alone. I like it that way. I guess a chat with someone once in a while is fine as long as they don't want to keep contacting me or have any meaningful relationship with me.



I think I'll be fine. So thank you so much for everything.
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post #57 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-21-2020, 01:00 PM
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Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to thank every single one of you who gave me advice. I'm sorry I couldn't answer before but I am so drained right now, so stressed and frustrated I just couldn't find the time nor the motivation to go online. Things in my life keep turning for the worst, every single month is even worse than the last one, I can no longer take it anymore.
Sorry I can't answer to every single one of you ,but I read all your answers.


After everything that has happened to me in the past two months, I've lost all of my trust on people, I'm sorry, I can't anymore, I'm tired of people and the only thing I wish is that I didn't have to do anything with people anymore. To hide, alone, and never ever have to deal with people anymore. I can no longer take any of this... about what happened on this month, I was even at a risk of being killed because of someone else's actions.

No, no more faith in humanity, wished we were all wiped out from this planet once and for all. I'm tired.



So if you ask me, yes, I gave up already, I'll no longer try to make any meaningful relationships, I don't care anymore if I end up alone, I don't care. I'd rather be alone. I like it that way. I guess a chat with someone once in a while is fine as long as they don't want to keep contacting me or have any meaningful relationship with me.



I think I'll be fine. So thank you so much for everything.
damn sorry to hear hadara it hurts me because i can relate so much what youre going through at some level I hope you find peace whether spiritually or physically or both.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and than success is sure," Mark Twain

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post #58 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 01:04 AM Thread Starter
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@CopadoMexicano : Thank you... I think a long time alone (if not my entire life like this) will finally bring me peace. Dealing with other people only mean confict and I have no luck with the ones I come across in my life, that's a fact. I'm sick of all of this.
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