First of all, thank you so much, everyone, for your answers.
@Disheveled and Lost
:Well, this is what I've been doing for quite a while, searching for new ways to entertain myself so I don't feel lonely. I'm an artist so I always found a way to cope up whenever I had this problem. This problem began when I was 10 years old, at that time I created myself imaginary friends. When it continued during my teenage years, I wrote a novel in which I was part of it so that I could have "friends" that would like me. In my University years, I tried setting limits with the people around me, I still get in contact with them but, since I was still the "genius", they only talk to me when they need something. That was the time I got into comics as a way to release everything. Then came my first job, I met lots of people I no longer have contact with. Then my second job was as a teacher, only perverted older teachers approached me; the other ones ran away from me and my female coworkers didn't want anything with me, one (who was previously my teacher) got to the point of not wanting to even say hi to me and began bullying me whenever she could. Then I left my country to study because I was tired of the same, and now in this new country I am facing racism. My master degree's classmates don't talk to me anymore, they used to ignore me at class anyway.
I can't help but see a pattern... that there must be something wrong with me. It's impossible that so many people hate me because of them, there's something in me. But if that something has "always been there", how am I supposed to even see it or change it?
So yeah, I guess so far I've been using lots of coping mechanisms to survive loneliness. Sometimes they work, but sometimes they don't, as you say, because the mind really likes to play tricks.
: Thanks a lot or being blunt! I'd rather have that kind of answer. I don't need it to be sugar coated.
Yeah, I know I really need to seek therapy, I guess the fact I'm running away from it is the same as why I'm thinking of giving up. It's the fact that I would have to see another person and interact and share things with him/her. I know this person is like, trained to do it, but how can I trust him/her? I know I should not give up, you are right, I know I should not to some degree, but at some point, I just feel so tired now. I feel defective, like, there definitely must be something wrong with me which I just can't change that gives me such bad luck with people.
: Thank you so much for clarifying it for me
Yeah, you are right, I think I just have to be more direct and just have the ability to let go more often. Thank you so much for your advice.
: Well, it's not like I don't go out. I'm not too eager of going to bars but I've tried going to artists meetings (since I'm an artist myself), language exchange meetings, participating on workshops, things like that, so that I could meet new people, but the story is always the same. And no, I'm not overweight, I'm quite "petite", you know? Like, very short but not too thin, not too chubby. And it is not like I don't know how to dress. People actually say I have a nice style. The only problem I have is that I can't use make up because I'm allergic to it, so I can't use eyeliner, maybe lipstick, but never put anything on my eyes.
My hair is curly and my eyes are deep brown (to the point they look black). I'm always well dressed and generally open to talk to anyone who approaches me.
The other problem I have is my obvious "indigenous" features. I'm Latinamerican, but even though I don't have a dark skin, I have those features on my face which I just can't change. It's my racial features which I just can't change if I don't undergo plastic surgery which I don't want to do just in order to satisfy a bunch of men.
id foxes: I like your idea of meeting friends on a casual basis, it really lifts the idea of the emotional investment... now, do you have some tips in order to do that? Like, I've been to bars and cafés by myself but it is not like people will approach you just because they see you are alone. And I also don't think it is a good idea to take the lead and go ahead and say hi to everyone around. I also don't wanna be seen as being too desperate hahahaha
Te Dread: Hahahaha, maybe I have, but that's all of the men I've met so far.
: Well, yeah, I guess I learned all those languages in my desire to finally be able to communicate with other people. I've always been alone and so, learning new languages, makes me feel like I'll have more opportunities to communicate with even more people... so far, yeah, some of those languages have helped me communicate with others and that feels really great, but I'm still unable to make friends no matter how many languages I've learned. I guess the part of saying NO more often could really be helpful. It's hard for me to say NO since the two times I've ever said no to something really struck me hard. First time was with a teacher, to whom I said I didn't want to participate in a school event and since that time she decided to never ask me again and then my entire school life of bullying began. And the second time was with a friend, I told her I couldn't help her because I was feeling tired and didn't have the time at that moment... a week later she had committed suicide.