Is it ok to just give up? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Is it ok to just give up?


So I've been wondering about this for the past days, but since I don't have anyone I can trust I decided to ask here.


So I think I've reached a point in my life where I just don't care about human relationships at all and what I mean by that is that I don't care about making friends or starting a relationship. All of my life so far people have only been taking advantage of me, made fun of me or abandoned me when I needed the most. I got so used to being treated poorly or simply being ignored that I just don't care anymore. I mean, if someone wants to talk to me, then so be it; but if they don't, then I don't care.



I've come to a point where I don't even feel sad nor happy about it, it's just a feeling of numbness. I no longer expect anything from anyone. In my mind, I can't help but think: who cares? They are all going to leave in the end. In the end, I'll always be alone, so why care?



This goes for everything as I said before: friendships, relationships, family, it's the same. I really just feel so tired of this whole process of meeting new people, getting to know each other, sharing a few things together and then seeing them all leave and start over. It's just so tiring and I no longer want to be part of it.


In the case of romantic relationships, it seems more of a hassle to me. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't think I'll ever be... I'm not pretty at all (not physically attractive) nor out of the ordinary, maybe a little way too nerdy and extremely boring to hang out with. Like, why would anyone choose "me" instead of all of those wonderful girls around me who are prettier, more cheerful and kinder than me?


I really don't want you to pity me or tell me, no, don't worry, you'll meet the right person when the right time comes because that's not true. I think that's a lie and the world is just a much more bothersome place.Relationships mean hard work, but to be honest, they are too bothersome for me. I don't mind being alone and if I could only retrieve myself to an abandoned island I would so do it hahahaha


All I want to ask is if you consider it is ok to just give up, don't mind anymore. And what I mean by it is to just shrug everything off, like, who cares? People come and go, people have their own problems to deal with. The best I can do is to try not to bother anyone and that's all.

Thanks in advance for your advice and I hope everyone is doing fine
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post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 09:51 AM
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Hello 🙂

First I would like to say that if you have suicidal thoughts, you should immediatly seek medical help.

That being said, it's ok to stop trying to socialize only if you decide it's ok. It's a judgment only you can make, since you'll be the one affected. Why would you ask permission? But anyway, you can still change your mind later. It's alright to feel empty, exhausted and numb given what you have lived. You obviously habe been very depressed for a long time.

What have you tried? Have you seen a psychiatrist and took medication?

There is a lot to say but I don't have much time now, I'll come back later.
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post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 09:53 AM
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ive come to a conclusion that its very draining to start or maintain friendships so I say to myself its futile. I pretty much just sleep off my constant depressed mood and comfort eat to help cope with difficult emotions of anxiety. Its all up to you of course but if you give up now you might be thinking in the future the what ifs?

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post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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@IWantMoreLife : Hi, well, it's not like I haven't thought about suicide, but I actually I don't consider it an option. Whenever I think of it I also think it would be too much of a waste to just end my life right now because there are still so many things I want to learn (As I said, I'm such a nerd hahaha), also there are lots of places I would like to visit before dying. And I am of the thought that if we are all going to die anyways, there's no sense in rushing it.



Well, I haven't seen any psychiatrist or taken medication. I don't trust psychiatrists, I know it's irrational, but I've had terrible experiences with psychologists before so just making that first step of contacting one is way too hard for me; it puts me under a lot of stress and anxiety and I just can't; I also feel bad for asking for help, like, why would I bother someone with my problems? And when people tell me that, well, that's their job, I feel even worse, like... why would I pay someone to listen to my troubles? I don't know, I just can't.

I also have trust issues regarding medication and right now I'm not so economically stable to buy some or to pay for treatment.
I don't know if I've been depressed, but it's true that many bad things have happened one after the other so I've been having a hard time controlling my emotions.



I'll be short on that to give a context: last year I traveled to a foreign country to study a master's degree. I was running away from my country and my family which had put a lot of pressure on my since my mother died 8 years ago (like I had to somehow fill the void she had left). So I came to this new country seeking for a change of pace, but what I found where terrible classes at the University, classmates who didn't care about me and basically only talked to me when they needed something and, because of racism, I struggled in the city with people constantly judging me for my appearance and way of speaking. I was renting a flat with some other students of which one of them was a guy who would treat me badly, scream to me and offend me all the time.

When the corona virus came, I was left alone with this horrible guy and had to, literally, fled that place with the help of my University. Of course confinement also meant I could no longer see my classmates nor talk to anyone. I was alone for about a month and a half trapped with a guy I barely knew and who everything he did was look down on me and offend me.


I came to a new place with a new flatmate, but she has just come out of depression herself like three years ago so she's not interested on listening to me but she needs someone to listen to her, so I ended up becoming that.



Back in my home country, the situation is a mess, I can't even go back because of how terrible it is because of the coronavirus and now I'm trapped in a foreign country with no one who truly cares about me. I feel like if I were to disappear one day, nobody will even notice. I don't have a job so I will have to work as nanny, fulfilling what the racists told me that I looked like the stereotypical nanny. I mean, can it even get any worse than this? Hahahahaha

I try not to think about it that much because the more I think about it, the worse I feel.


So yeah, all of this stress is really getting onto me.

@CopadoMexicano : Well I've been sleeping more than normal as I find no strength to even do the things I used to like doing; I think sleeping helps quite a bit. You are right, but I don't know if I should keep trying, I'm so tired of everything... sometimes I just feel like leaving everything behind and walking without a clear direction hahaha
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post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 01:31 PM
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@IWantMoreLife : Hi, well, it's not like I haven't thought about suicide, but I actually I don't consider it an option. Whenever I think of it I also think it would be too much of a waste to just end my life right now because there are still so many things I want to learn (As I said, I'm such a nerd hahaha), also there are lots of places I would like to visit before dying. And I am of the thought that if we are all going to die anyways, there's no sense in rushing it.



Well, I haven't seen any psychiatrist or taken medication. I don't trust psychiatrists, I know it's irrational, but I've had terrible experiences with psychologists before so just making that first step of contacting one is way too hard for me; it puts me under a lot of stress and anxiety and I just can't; I also feel bad for asking for help, like, why would I bother someone with my problems? And when people tell me that, well, that's their job, I feel even worse, like... why would I pay someone to listen to my troubles? I don't know, I just can't.

I also have trust issues regarding medication and right now I'm not so economically stable to buy some or to pay for treatment.
I don't know if I've been depressed, but it's true that many bad things have happened one after the other so I've been having a hard time controlling my emotions.



I'll be short on that to give a context: last year I traveled to a foreign country to study a master's degree. I was running away from my country and my family which had put a lot of pressure on my since my mother died 8 years ago (like I had to somehow fill the void she had left). So I came to this new country seeking for a change of pace, but what I found where terrible classes at the University, classmates who didn't care about me and basically only talked to me when they needed something and, because of racism, I struggled in the city with people constantly judging me for my appearance and way of speaking. I was renting a flat with some other students of which one of them was a guy who would treat me badly, scream to me and offend me all the time.

When the corona virus came, I was left alone with this horrible guy and had to, literally, fled that place with the help of my University. Of course confinement also meant I could no longer see my classmates nor talk to anyone. I was alone for about a month and a half trapped with a guy I barely knew and who everything he did was look down on me and offend me.


I came to a new place with a new flatmate, but she has just come out of depression herself like three years ago so she's not interested on listening to me but she needs someone to listen to her, so I ended up becoming that.



Back in my home country, the situation is a mess, I can't even go back because of how terrible it is because of the coronavirus and now I'm trapped in a foreign country with no one who truly cares about me. I feel like if I were to disappear one day, nobody will even notice. I don't have a job so I will have to work as nanny, fulfilling what the racists told me that I looked like the stereotypical nanny. I mean, can it even get any worse than this? Hahahahaha

I try not to think about it that much because the more I think about it, the worse I feel.


So yeah, all of this stress is really getting onto me.

@CopadoMexicano : Well I've been sleeping more than normal as I find no strength to even do the things I used to like doing; I think sleeping helps quite a bit. You are right, but I don't know if I should keep trying, I'm so tired of everything... sometimes I just feel like leaving everything behind and walking without a clear direction hahaha
I see, that's a lot. I would be lying if I said I was able to understand how you feel, because even though I too have had suicidal thoughts, I haven't been through as much. Plus I am a white guy living in a western country so it's not like I can relate when it comes to racism.


Honestly I'm pretty sure you have depression (numbness, emptiness, low energy, oversleeping...). But do you think you have social anxiety ? I mean, given all the **** you went trough, basically anyone would be a mess. Were you already feeling bad around others when your mother were alive? If it makes you unconfortable to speak about personal stuff like that, no problem, sorry for asking.


The problem is that the pandemic and its consequences obviously make it very difficult to initiate some strategies to get better. Do you think you will be able to finish your master and to seek a job that suits your skills at some point?

I could speak about psychiatry and drugs, as I am sure that you could benefit from some treatments, or at least from understanding better what is social anxiety if you think you have it, but I don't want to tell everything at once, especially if you are skeptical. Also, even if you can't meet a doctor, there are a lot of resources you can use online, including here, and you can talk with people who may be in similar situation. It's not ideal but it is already something.

Sorry for the potential mistakes, I'm using my phone and I'm not a native speaker.
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post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 03:08 PM
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post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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@IWantMoreLife : It's ok, I'm really glad you are giving me some advice and I truly appreciate it. I also think it's fine if you've ever felt down even if our contexts are so different. I don't think there's any pain that is not worthy; we can all feel down and that is fine.



Maybe it could be, I'm not saying I'm not entirely sure about not having depression. Maybe I do have depression or have had since I don't know how long... lately, everything happening has had an impact and so, as I've been feeling so overwhelmed with everything, it has finally struck hard. I've always been quite a resilient person, always fighting for my dreams, never giving up and even if I've failed many many times I've always found a way to come back again stronger. This time, though, has been truly rough considering I also feel like what I'm facing right now are all of my fears from the past, like if they are re surging to attack me all at the same time.



Yes, I was even worse around others before my mother passed away. I was unable to speak, would feel extremely nervous, make mistakes all the time. I even used to have panic attacks quite frequently at nights, for no apparent reason, and once at school. I was bullied at school and never had someone to trust with my problems. To my family, it was my fault (the fact that I was being bullied), it was because I had such a weak attitude, they just told me to toughen up. So that's what I did, I supressed all my feelings and so that's how I got feeling numb. I can't feel extreme emotions at all, not sadness not happiness and it's hard for me to trust others.



Lately it's been quite hard getting to work on my master's degree assignments. I really want to finish it and try to get a better job. I know I have to do it. Tomorrow I'll try to do something about it.
What I've found reassuring is to learn new languages. I just love learning new languages and so, I've been taking some online courses. That has been the only thing actually keeping me motivated (again, I'm such a nerd hahahaha). I want to learn new languages that give me better opportunities in the market hahaha and also because they keep my mind busy and motivated. I don't know why, I'm an illustrator and I love drawing and painting, but lately, even doing that's been pretty hard, but learning languages is a whole different story.


Yeah, right now I really wouldn't want to see a professional; I'm too skeptical about it. I know I have an opportunity to speak with my Uni's psychologist but then again I feel too embarrassed to do it. But chatting here is indeed helping me a lot; I'm actually feeling a lot better right now.


And don't worry about your grammar,I'm not a native English speaker either.


@blue2 : Thank you so much for that poem, it's beautiful and I just love Shakespeare.
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post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 08:23 PM
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I did it without worrying if it's okay.
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post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 08:48 PM
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No

Giving up is admitting defeat
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post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 02:58 AM
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When you feel that way, it's good and healthy to get away from people, stop thinking about trying to make friends/relationships and just focus on yourself and your life. Even for years. And it's good to think it'll be forever, because if you don't think it's forever then you start worrying about when you're going to start trying again and how that's going to go.

But the reality is chances are you won't feel that way for the whole rest of your life, unless you're unable to achieve it. Without the pressure, social connections can be less exhausting and more desirable.

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post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 03:56 AM
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In my opinion, it's ok to a point, but not ok if taken to extremes.

Humans are social animals. If you have no authentic interactions with people (where you open up, make yourself vulnerable, show the 'real' you), you end up relying on your inner world. It's comforting and safe, but over time that inner world becomes impoverished (as it needs your 'real' you to socialise with the outside world). Which makes you feel worse, you start to feel bitter and 'trapped'. At that point, if you venture out and try to communicate with someone and it backfires, it proves your worst fears and you retreat into yourself even further. And so it spirals downwards. At the end you have serious mental illness.

That said, this process takes years. Even very sporadic authentic interactions can reverse it. So you can 'disconnect' when you're hurting and need your alone time, as long as you don't shut yourself out completely. Everyone needs socialising, but some people need less than others. The trick is to find a way to socialise that is right for you and doesn't cause you pain while remaining authentic. To find that way, you have to learn various social skills, such as how to draw boundaries and balance your interests against someone else's interests. This is one of my favourite resources for social skills.

Oh, and it sounds like you've had an exceptionally awful time. It's no wonder you're feeling rough

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post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 02:07 PM
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You shouldn't look at it as "giving up", but it's okay to take some time out from trying to build relationships and "fix" yourself. I firmly believe that we need to become comfortable with who we are right now before we can make meaningful progress on our issues. I've been able to build a rich inner life over the years, and have accomplished a lot of fulfilling personal goals during times when I stopped worrying about being social. I can't say I have achieved the pinnacle of human happiness this way, and I don't advise staying within yourself for too long, but it can be a good thing to take some time to learn about yourself and re-charge.
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post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 02:13 PM
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Iíll be straightforward.. people will always make you feel like **** if you donít have the sharp, witty personality that the world needs from you.

BUT since youíre a woman, Iím going to say that youíll still have much better opportunities than men will. There wil always be men who will want you sexually or want to start a relationship with you. People settle. Keep that in mind.

But youíre right, humankind is flawed by nature. We are selfish beings with huge egos. Itís natural to be perpetually unhappy.
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post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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@firelight : well, that's great for you!

@James10145 : Well, yeah, I admit it is... but isn't it ok to admit defeat sometimes?

@Paul : I'm a little bit confused... so, if I retreat for now, it will only make it harder after? I mean, I've come to a point of truly believing I will never be successful at relationships, I just can't seem to have the necessary social skills to do so.


@rabidfoxes : Yeah, to me it's still quite scary to feel I will be alone forever, but considering what I've lived so far, I've always been alone anyway. It's not like I've ever had a true friend I could truly rely on or a family member I could depend on...even my mother would depend on me and my father was always absent. I am the eldest of three siblings so my brother and sister always depended on me, never the other way around.

That is exactly how I feel, like I'm trapped and no matter how hard I try to communicate with others, it always backfires... people always end up leaving me alone... I think another fact that contributes is the fact that I am so independent and, as they say, way too "smart". I was just talking to a "friend" of mine with whom we've shared a few things, but she showed me tonight that it is always the same: I am always on the listener's end, comforting her when she's in trouble. I told her I was feeling quite down and what she said was: "But you are so smart! You'll figure it out!" And so we kept talking about her and her problems.

I don't know why people think "geniuses" can't have problems. (I said genius because that's how my "friends" call me all the time, simply because I know how to do a lot of things, I'm creative, I learn pretty fast and I speak five languages... but I don't think that's such a great thing... it's actually quite annoying sometimes).

Thank you so much for the link!! I will check it out!!

@solitarian : Thanks, well, yeah, this past week I've been alone as my flatmate had vacations from her job and went to trip with her boyfriend. It kind fluctuated: at the beginning I felt at ease, then, as the days passed, I began to feel quite discouraged and lonely and now I'm feeling quite better. I have more neighbors and one of them told me that he would invite me to have lunch with him on one of these days but that never happened... I like to think maybe he was busy or maybe he just didn't feel like it... I mean, my head keeps telling me it is because I'm annoying and undesirable but I try not to think of it that way. Maybe he just forgot or yeah, it's ok if he doesn't like my company, I mean, it's not like he's obligated to do so.

But yeah, being alone for a while is quite relaxing...


@hahaha everyone says that, that because I'm a woman I will have it easier but that has never been the case for me. Yes, I'm a woman, but I'm not a beautiful woman men would want to date. The men I've met in my life have always avoided me, claiming I was way too much of an "intellectual" or "way too smart" for them. Nobody likes the "genius girl" (as some of them called me), honestly, nobody likes a nerdy girl. To the men I've met, "being smart" is no way sexually attractive. So no, it hasn't been any easier because I'm a girl. The other men I've met in my life have treated me badly simply because I'm a woman and they consider me to be less than them just because of my gender.

Yeah, I know humans are awful, the main reason why I was already giving up on this. I'm tired of humans and their egos. I hate myself as well for being a human.
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post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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@findyourself : hahaha everyone says that, that because I'm a woman I will have it easier but that has never been the case for me. Yes, I'm a woman, but I'm not a beautiful woman men would want to date. The men I've met in my life have always avoided me, claiming I was way too much of an "intellectual" or "way too smart" for them. Nobody likes the "genius girl" (as some of them called me), honestly, nobody likes a nerdy girl. To the men I've met, "being smart" is no way sexually attractive. So no, it hasn't been any easier because I'm a girl. The other men I've met in my life have treated me badly simply because I'm a woman and they consider me to be less than them just because of my gender.

This is the main reason I've never had a romantic relationship before. No man seems to find me attractive.


Yeah, I know humans are awful, the main reason why I was already giving up on this. I'm tired of humans and their egos. I hate myself as well for being a human.
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post #16 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 05:57 PM
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@findyourself : hahaha everyone says that, that because I'm a woman I will have it easier but that has never been the case for me. Yes, I'm a woman, but I'm not a beautiful woman men would want to date. The men I've met in my life have always avoided me, claiming I was way too much of an "intellectual" or "way too smart" for them. Nobody likes the "genius girl" (as some of them called me), honestly, nobody likes a nerdy girl. To the men I've met, "being smart" is no way sexually attractive. So no, it hasn't been any easier because I'm a girl. The other men I've met in my life have treated me badly simply because I'm a woman and they consider me to be less than them just because of my gender.

This is the main reason I've never had a romantic relationship before. No man seems to find me attractive.


Yeah, I know humans are awful, the main reason why I was already giving up on this. I'm tired of humans and their egos. I hate myself as well for being a human.


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and than success is sure," Mark Twain

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post #17 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 10:19 PM
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I have basically given up socially. There is nothing exactly wrong with it, the question is can you hack it? Being alone, you have freedom, but there are days or long nights where it can start to play mind games with you. I have always been a loner, but part of that was based on me always being an outcast. It isn't fun to miss out on parties and sex and feeling close to someone and having friends. I am not good with people, and offend them very easily, and have no ability to put them at ease. I am exhausted with people and life itself, so maybe it is all for the best that I am alone, at least I have my cat. I always think, if i could find the right people, it would be worth the hassle of getting out there and socializing. It is just harder and harder for me to believe decent people exist, the older i get. How many fake friends will get drunk and insult me or belittle me, and how many women will reject me or find me inferior to other guys? So my chances are slimmer than average. You have to take what is given you in life. But yea the question is, or the solution is, do you have the tough frame of mind to stay in and keep yourself busy year after year without wondering how much fun everyone else is supposedly having and partying? If you can keep yourself busy and not think what you are missing, or what you perceive you are missing, like, "out of sight, out of mind" I think you can do OK and stay occupied. With me, i just wonder how much longer i can live without any human beings in my life u know, without my mind playing tricks on me
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post #18 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-30-2020, 11:30 PM
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@Paul : I'm a little bit confused... so, if I retreat for now, it will only make it harder after? I mean, I've come to a point of truly believing I will never be successful at relationships, I just can't seem to have the necessary social skills to do so.
No, I was saying if you retreat now it'll be easier later. When it's not going well and you don't feel you have the social skills, banging your head against the wall having more bad relationships isn't going to help. Take time to regroup, find yourself, and then later you can build your social skills from a healthy place where you feel in control of it.

I had hardly any social skills until my 30s, because I'd never had relationships or in-person friends or even acquaintances who I'd actually talk to until then. I still have a lot to learn, but I've learned a lot in recent years. The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to advance a certain amount every year to avoid falling further behind like kids do. You have the rest of your life to learn adult-level social skills, and that's plenty of time to take it slow.

It seems like you find yourself in the situation of being used a lot. I think resetting and taking things slowly is extra useful for solving that problem. Feeling less attached to / dependent on the friendship/relationship also helps with that. You'll be able to be more objective and careful and willing to let go quicker of people who aren't worth it.

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post #19 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-31-2020, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Hadara View Post
@findyourself : hahaha everyone says that, that because I'm a woman I will have it easier but that has never been the case for me. Yes, I'm a woman, but I'm not a beautiful woman men would want to date. The men I've met in my life have always avoided me, claiming I was way too much of an "intellectual" or "way too smart" for them. Nobody likes the "genius girl" (as some of them called me), honestly, nobody likes a nerdy girl. To the men I've met, "being smart" is no way sexually attractive. So no, it hasn't been any easier because I'm a girl. The other men I've met in my life have treated me badly simply because I'm a woman and they consider me to be less than them just because of my gender.
One thought I have is you should go hang out in a bar with lots of men. Mens "standards" for beauty drop pretty big when they are drinking! lol

Is there anything you can do to improve your beauty? Are you overweight? No fashion sense with clothes? Those are all things you can improve upon which will improve how attractive you are to men.

No dont give up on life in general. You should always try to improve. But giving up on a specific thing is okay
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post #20 of 59 (permalink) Old 07-31-2020, 03:50 AM
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@Hadara I can really identify with the whole 'being an emotional sponge for your friends' problems' thing. I've done way too much of it too. Then I was determined to give it up, and noticed that just certain kinds of people treat me as their personal psychotherapist, with no reciprocation. So now I just don't hang out much with such people. Ultimately, it was just acknowledging that to some narcissistic 'friends' I was valuable only as a support act in their life drama. Ouch.

It might be a good idea (usually is) to just meet more people on a casual basis. There's less emotional investment, more weighing up before building friendships and more space for everyone to breathe.

Leonard Cohen (Bird on a Wire): I have tried in my own way to be free
Mrs Hudson (BBC Sherlock): Sherlock! The mess you've made!
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