If you are shy you are not a real man - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 07:26 PM Thread Starter
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If you are shy you are not a real man


This is what society thinks even if no one will say it outright. Men are expected to be confident and assertive. If you happened to be shy and reserved people do not respect you. Being a nice and caring person comes second to being confident I've come to learn. It is unfortunate for shy people like me who has low self esteem and confidence. People who are naturally confident have been for years and years. How am I supposed to suddenly become one if I have been this way all my life?
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post #2 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 07:42 PM
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I'd like to add that, only certain kinds of people subscribe to these gender role type stereotypes. And those people aren't really the ones you want as your friends anyway, at least I would assume.

“People don’t really want to know anything about you. They just want to put you into their little preordained slots. They decide what you are in the first two seconds, and they only get nervous or upset if you don’t live up to their snap judgements. That’s the only way the normal world’s like the Real – it all depends on who people think you are. Figure that out, play to what they expect, and it’s clear sailing.”
― Lilith Saintcrow
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post #3 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:39 PM
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Even if a majority of society thinks that, you don't have to. Be kind and caring for the sake of being kind and caring, not to impress other people . I share your frustration, but like the poster above me stated there are usually (or at least I hope..) those select few that truly appreciate it and won't judge you for it. And those people are worth being nice to imo.
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post #4 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:43 PM
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Exactly. The way you act doesn't always have to be because of other people and how they will perceive you. I can't see myself becoming cold and impersonal even though that seems more fashionable within my age group, just because I don't feel it is right.

“People don’t really want to know anything about you. They just want to put you into their little preordained slots. They decide what you are in the first two seconds, and they only get nervous or upset if you don’t live up to their snap judgements. That’s the only way the normal world’s like the Real – it all depends on who people think you are. Figure that out, play to what they expect, and it’s clear sailing.”
― Lilith Saintcrow
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post #5 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:46 PM
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Are you being nice and caring to compensate for your lack of confidence?
You're playing the victim card here by saying it's 'unfortunate for people like me'. What are you going to do about it? Keep complaining or do something about it? Guess which one will 100% not make a difference.
And you don't 'suddenly' become confident, you have to work on it. Those who are confident either had a good up bringing or consciously worked on it over time.

The Matrix cannot tell you who you are
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post #6 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:54 PM
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I don't understand how some people can be so cruel to shy and quiet people? We're not weird, we just don't like to talk as much as others!



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post #7 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:54 PM
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it's a dog eat dog world. in your avatar the non shy dog is the white wolf...
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post #8 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:07 PM
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"Well don't you remember, you told me in December that a boy is not a man until he makes a stand", "well I'm not a genious, but maybe you'll remember this I never said I ever want to be a man."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDhjOw7BQLs
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post #9 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:14 PM
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How about... be confident in the fact that you're shy, nice, and caring? Or, be comfortable enough with yourself that you project confidence.

Not everyone is blockheaded enough to equate shyness with being emasculate.


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post #10 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkriot View Post
How am I supposed to suddenly become one if I have been this way all my life?
If your willing to put the effort in there are plenty of ways to go about. For instance, next year I'll be attending a life coach course.
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post #11 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:02 PM
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Don't ever think you have to change to impress other people or make then happy. It sounds simple but it really is as easy as that. Before you start thinking about how other people perceive you, think about what you like about yourself. What makes you different and unique than other people. If we all liked the same thing, it would be a pretty boring world.
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post #12 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:13 AM
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gender roles and stereotypes are ****ing stupid, so don't worry about the people that believe in them, or hold others to their standards- those people are stupid, and thus their opinions mean nothing.
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post #13 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:22 AM
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Unfortunately for people like you and me confidence is everything. Confident people take for granted things like girlfriends/boyfriends, making friends having successful careers etc, which are major hurdles for those with SA. I don't think of it in terms of gender though as shy women more or less have the same issues.
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post #14 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:42 AM
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I used to think I'd rather be one of those other types of people, I was at least made uncomfortable and didn't fit in, but now I realize how normal everyone thought they were in those kinds of situations, and I realize I don't want to be normal.

I prefer being sensitive to missing crucial stuff, and I prefer being analytical to being sociable. My problem used to be I didn't have a direction.

I don't even value mainstream education or a career anymore. In fact, nothing society teaches us to go for is any better than whatever way of life we end up choosing.

Figure out what's important to you, and make it central to your life.

Each day it's a hypothalamus that wakes up and a sex organ that gets horny, but a man that thinks it's himself.
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post #15 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 06:12 AM
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I hate being labeled as ''shy'' because it sounds so negative, but in fact it's not meant to be a negative trait, but even so when somone labels me ''shy'' or ''quiet'' i believe they are making a negative judgement of me. It's kind of like labeling someone ''fat'' or even ''skinny''...Both negative and insulting.

The trouble is that society deems being extorverted/confident as the normal way to be.

I have been described as having good qualities because i am ''sensitive'' and i've been called ''cute'' by girls but being ''cute'' is what they would describe a little kitten or puppy, so i don't feel like a ''man''
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post #16 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 02:16 PM
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I hate being labeled as ''shy'' because it sounds so negative, but in fact it's not meant to be a negative trait, but even so when somone labels me ''shy'' or ''quiet'' i believe they are making a negative judgement of me. It's kind of like labeling someone ''fat'' or even ''skinny''...Both negative and insulting.

The trouble is that society deems being extorverted/confident as the normal way to be.

I have been described as having good qualities because i am ''sensitive'' and i've been called ''cute'' by girls but being ''cute'' is what they would describe a little kitten or puppy, so i don't feel like a ''man''
You have a penis don't you? You were born a boy? well, you are a man. And you don't need to act in any specific way to be a man. It's simple stupid logic I know, but sometimes you need to remind yourself of that. I used to have this issue with myself because I don't have "feminine" enough interests and hobbies and I was afraid people would think I "act like a man".

“People don’t really want to know anything about you. They just want to put you into their little preordained slots. They decide what you are in the first two seconds, and they only get nervous or upset if you don’t live up to their snap judgements. That’s the only way the normal world’s like the Real – it all depends on who people think you are. Figure that out, play to what they expect, and it’s clear sailing.”
― Lilith Saintcrow
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post #17 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 04:30 AM
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^Hang on let me just check............................................. ..........Yeah i do. Let me just check my birth certificate.............................Yeah i was born a boy.
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post #18 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-17-2012, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nbar View Post
Unfortunately for people like you and me confidence is everything. Confident people take for granted things like girlfriends/boyfriends, making friends having successful careers etc, which are major hurdles for those with SA. I don't think of it in terms of gender though as shy women more or less have the same issues.

Well said. It is too daunting to overcome at times.
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post #19 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-17-2012, 10:11 PM
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A girl told me once that I'm awkward, because I am quite.

There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy little lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
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post #20 of 77 (permalink) Old 01-17-2012, 10:19 PM
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Staying positive helps with confidence.

I briefly managed to get confidence by just going out every day and telling myself things would be great. And acting more confident.

It was short lived but felt amazing. I have major self esteem issues but i'm working on it.

I also try to smile at somebody I don't know once a day when I go for a walk, which I do to stop myself going insane being stuck inside all day.

I do it. And I haven't been beaten up yet. I haven't made any friends either though
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