"I used to be quiet like you" - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 06-30-2020, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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"I used to be quiet like you"


I hear this phrase a lot. I'm not really sure why I've got it in the frustration category, because it doesn't really offend me or agitate me. But when people use this phrase, they know that normal introverts have a point where they begin to open up and talk more frequently and become a part of the group. I know, based on previous experience, this is not the case for me. I always find it funny when people expect me to change, open up more, have small talk, and be more "loud." Perhaps this can happen with most normal, well adjusted introverts or with a great deal of daily psychological effort. But for me, there is more here than introversion, shyness, and quietness. I would say I'm overthinking a simple comment, but I hear it so frequently from many people. Maybe it is arrogant, but I do not think I am like most other people. I don't "grow" the same. I wish I did.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 06-30-2020, 03:48 PM
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This is relatable to me, I always felt like I didnt grow as much as other people. Thanks to social anxiety.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 06-30-2020, 04:08 PM
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Yeah I've gotten this before, from older people. Apparently with age you become really talkative. Not buying it
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 06:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Don View Post
I hear this phrase a lot. I'm not really sure why I've got it in the frustration category, because it doesn't really offend me or agitate me. But when people use this phrase, they know that normal introverts have a point where they begin to open up and talk more frequently and become a part of the group. I know, based on previous experience, this is not the case for me. I always find it funny when people expect me to change, open up more, have small talk, and be more "loud." Perhaps this can happen with most normal, well adjusted introverts or with a great deal of daily psychological effort. But for me, there is more here than introversion, shyness, and quietness. I would say I'm overthinking a simple comment, but I hear it so frequently from many people. Maybe it is arrogant, but I do not think I am like most other people. I don't "grow" the same. I wish I did.
People say this to try to be "supportive" and "inspirational", but you're right, it doesn't really help that much. These are people that have already found success in the social realm, kinda like the whole "rags to riches" trope. So they're already in a position where they can feel good about themselves and talk about their experiences with positivity.

People like me, we're struggling right now, and we want empathy and compassion. Someone who can relate to us and really feel our struggles almost as if it were their own. When former quiet people say "I was just like you", are they really able to relate to you and empathize with you at that very moment, or are they just humblebragging? Sometimes, what we want isn't necessary advice, but rather support. Some people are not amazing storytellers, and that is OKAY. There's nothing wrong with being less than gregarious. We live in a society where extraversion is still considered the gold standard. Being able to tell jokes and keep everyone entertained - these are seen as absolute virtues in the social world. I mean, sure, it's helpful to know how to do this, but not being a great "talker" doesn't make you inadequate or awkward. Everyone's different, right?
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 06:10 PM
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You should answer "Yeah & I used to an @$$hole like you, evolution baby"






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 06:10 PM
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And then I took an arrow in the knee.

Some people heard my words and thought it meant they knew me
Truth is, I don't exist, I'm just a soundtrack to your movie
Some background figure in a story that's already scripted
And what I feel's just felt for you to hear me ****ing spit it
I jump in many different heads through these words and poems
Always hoping maybe the next leap'll be my leap home

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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
And then I took an arrow in the knee.

haha exactly. That's what id say.

The past was erased,
the erasure was forgotten,
the lie became the truth

George Orwell-1984
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
And then I took an arrow in the knee.
Ya know, it certainly does sound a lot like scripted npc dialogue in general haha

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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-01-2020, 07:10 PM
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that phrase seems vaguely self-congratulatory to me but maybe it's not meant that way, idk.

'there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go' (tennessee williams)

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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 12:06 PM
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I don't think it's usually meant to be self-congratulatory. At least I never perceived it like that.

I'm with brianlee99 that it's more well-meant as supportive and encouraging!

But personally I didn't find it really helpful either! Instead I would feel exposed and more miserable!
But that was my personal problem and not fault of the other person!
So it's really good that it doesn't offend or agitate you!!! That's actually really cool!!!

Just keep continuing growing at your own speed and extend! And don't waste your valuable energy by feeling p*ssed off at every commonplace phrase people say!
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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I don't think it's usually meant to be self-congratulatory. At least I never perceived it like that.

I'm with brianlee99 that it's more well-meant as supportive and encouraging!

But personally I didn't find it really helpful either! Instead I would feel exposed and more miserable!
But that was my personal problem and not fault of the other person!
So it's really good that it doesn't offend or agitate you!!! That's actually really cool!!!

Just keep continuing growing at your own speed and extend! And don't waste your valuable energy by feeling p*ssed off at every commonplace phrase people say!
I really do just try and assume most things people say are meant to be helpful or supportive (though often misguided). Though, it's weirdly just reminder for me that I don't feel normal, and that everyone seems to have social expectations that I don't know if I can fulfill.

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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 01:03 PM
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I know what you mean!

One just has to learn to be content with your own way!
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 01:23 PM
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I believe it, I've witnessed it myself. Some people were able to break out of their shells. I'm about a quarter the way out of mine. Does that make me a turtle?...lol
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 02:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Don View Post
Ya know, it certainly does sound a lot like scripted npc dialogue in general haha
I think I'd probably define how the phrase is used as a thought-terminating cliché (particularly as it usually comes from people who have never had pathological levels of anxiety, and isn't often followed with constructive advice,) and anything that people repeat enough starts to sound scripted because in a sense it is.

Oh and then they really only say it to address their own unease. Like you could be entirely un-anxious and just a quiet introvert and you'll get the same kind of comments from people who want you to be friendly and bubbly for them.

Some people heard my words and thought it meant they knew me
Truth is, I don't exist, I'm just a soundtrack to your movie
Some background figure in a story that's already scripted
And what I feel's just felt for you to hear me ****ing spit it
I jump in many different heads through these words and poems
Always hoping maybe the next leap'll be my leap home

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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 03:35 PM
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"I used to be X, too," statements are so common that I don't think they can be explained by a single motive.

At least some of these people believe they have experienced what you're experiencing and believe they've overcome it. They're trying to tell you not to give up hope. People do overcome things, after all. Whether or not their experience was like your experience is impossible to say, but most of the time I suspect there is a difference of degree, which produces a difference in outcome, between people who outgrow something and people who never outgrow something. I suspect that most people who have been anxious or depressed since childhood do not outgrow it and most of the people who have outgrown something like this have acquired it later, say, at puberty or midlife. I think a lot of it depends on whether or not a person has a "normal" they can return to; if you have never been normal, you can't go back to being normal; it's very hard to construct "normal" responses to things you've never experienced normally.

When people say, "I used to hate my body, too, but then I learned to accept it," I can say with about 99% certainty they have no idea what my experience is like. And I suspect most of the people who say "I used to be shy, too," have no real idea what most of the people here actually experience. The magnitude of an experience can change the quality of the experience significantly; some of the things you drop in the water will float, and some of them will sink, which is why "you just gotta go out there and do it!" is often terrible advice. It's a recipe for disaster for people with serious disabilities.

I think most people who make, "I used to be X, too," statements are trying to be encouraging. They may, ofc, at the same time be using it for some other reason, since most behaviors are over-determined (have more than one goal). Some use it as a cheap way to inflate their own egos ("I used to be X, but now I'm doing amazing;" ie. "Look how much smarter/wiser/harder-working/determined/etc., I am than you are.") It's people like that I can't stand. You can usually tell who they are because they get mad at you when you reject their advice.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 03:53 PM
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I'm not really that quiet if you know me (though maybe I'm quieter than most people are I don't know). I'm more one of those people who is very quiet around people I don't know. It's not much of an issue around here where I live. People here tend to not talk to people they don't know. This place is great if you don't like to talk to people you don't know. In fact, people here act like they get offended if a stranger speaks to them.

/WYSD
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 04:11 PM
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No-one's ever said that to me.
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-02-2020, 05:02 PM
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Other people says that sometimes, but they mostly fail to understand that actual being quiet part.

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-03-2020, 06:21 PM
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Yeah older adults tell me this sometimes but I don't think it applies to me mainly because I literally have nothing in common with most people which is why I don't talk. I'm also awkward so talking to people almost never goes smoothly like it would for a 'normal' introvert, even when I try it.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-06-2020, 01:14 PM
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I remember being told that as a teen. It's really patronising and rude. Like...don't compare yourself to me? Anyway being quiet and having social anxiety disorder are two very different things.


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