I second guessed myself and made a terrible decision? Trying to cope with my guilt - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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I second guessed myself and made a terrible decision? Trying to cope with my guilt


For as long as I could remember, I have been second guessing myself. I really do It a lot in pressure situations. I could do something absolutely right and still second guess my actions.

Couple months ago I took a certification exam which I really valued. I studied for over a year on and off while working full time and going to grad school. I lost myself, I was so depressed and just always down but I never let my friends or family see it. The day came of the exam and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. I ended up passing the exam on the first try! The thing that gets me is how I lost my character on 2 questions, I risked my career for 2 questions that I knew but I panicked. I wrote out the equations and converted my numbers but I wasn’t getting the answer that I knew I should get. A feeling that I’ve never felt before came over me. I felt so uncomfortable, I got up went to the bathroom and checked my phone to see what I was doing wrong. So many emotion ran through my mind at that point, fear of failing, frustration of my job, bills, paying of my student loans. I built this certification up into this mythical being that I thought would solve my problems and it hasn’t, how dumb of me. I was on the right track I was just psyching myself out as usual. It was 200 questions and I panicked on 2 questions!! I hate myself for it every day, I literally left my phone in the car on purpose. The only reason why I went back for it was because i had my wallet and my phone in my car and I didn’t want anyone to break in my car and take them. Given that I had the phone, I was just waiting until my name was called for my test, so I was just looking up some last minute terms in the waiting room as well. Wish I just would have left my phone at home all together.

I ended up passing but barely which keeps me up just thinking about it. The test isn’t normally graded by A/B/C scale, it’s scaled scoring. I’ve talked to my former teacher and therapist about it. My teacher said that I’ve earned it and he asked “you don’t think of you don’t know something in your field that you won’t look it up”?. And my therapist said that I was a mistake and that I should learned from this. He also said that I earned it too. But that’s my whole idea, I feel like I didn’t earn it. There are so many people out here who are struggling to pass their own exams yet they didn’t do what I did. I definitely learned a lesson here, the lesson is to have more confidence in myself and faith and STOP SECOND GUESSING MYSELF ALL THE TIME! I really want to just take the exam over again just to prove to myself that I can answer those 2 questions with no problem. All my fiends and family are so proud of me but I can’t be proud of myself. I cry about from time to time because I hate what I did, it’s something I can’t take pride in because I feel I haven’t earned my certification. I don’t know what to do anymore, any advice? So many people say let it go but I’m trying, i don’t even act the same anymore and people are starting to notice.

Sorry for all the writing, just needed to get this off my chest
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=goodson25;1093728485]For as long as I could remember, I have been second guessing myself. I really do It a lot in pressure situations. I could do something absolutely right and still second guess my actions.

Couple months ago I took a certification exam which I really valued. I studied for over a year on and off while working full time and going to grad school. I lost myself, I was so depressed and just always down but I never let my friends or family see it. The day came of the exam and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. I ended up passing the exam on the first try! The thing that gets me is how I lost my character on 2 questions, I risked my career for 2 questions that I knew but I panicked. I wrote out the equations and converted my numbers but I wasn’t getting the answer that I knew I should get. A feeling that I’ve never felt before came over me. I felt so uncomfortable, I got up went to the bathroom and checked my phone to see what I was doing wrong. So many emotion ran through my mind at that point, fear of failing, frustration of my job, bills, paying of my student loans. I built this certification up into this mythical being that I thought would solve my problems and it hasn’t how dumb of me. I was on the right track I was just psyching myself out as usual. It was 200 questions and I panicked on 2 questions!! I hate myself for it every day, I literally left my phone in the car on purpose. The only reason why I went back for it was because i had my wallet and my phone in my car and I didn’t want anyone to break in my car and take them. Given that I had the phone, I was just waiting until my name was called for my test, so I was just looking up some last minute terms in the waiting room as well. Wish I just would have left my phone at home all together.

I ended up passing but barely which keeps me up just thinking about it. The test wasn’t normally graded by A/B/C scale, it’s scaled scoring. I have talked to my former teacher and therapist about it. My teacher said that I earned it and he asked “you don’t think if you don’t know something in your field that you won’t t look it up€?. And my therapist said that I was a mistake and that I should learned from this. He also said that I earned it too. But thats my whole idea, I feel like I didn’t earn it. There are so many people out here who are struggling to pass their own exams yet they didn't do what I did. I definitely learned a lesson here, the lesson is to have more confidence in myself and faith and STOP SECOND GUESSING MYSELF ALL THE TIME! I really want to just take the exam over again just to prove to myself that I can answer those 2 questions with no problem. All my fiends and family are so proud of me but I can’t be proud of myself. I cry about from time to time because I hate what I did, its something I can’t take pride in because I feel like haven’t earned my certification. I don’t know what to do anymore, any advice? So many people say let it go but I’m trying, I don’t even act the same anymore and people are starting to notice.

Sorry for all the writing, just needed to get this off my chest.
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