I recorded a video of myself and it's thrown me into a deep depression - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-21-2020, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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I recorded a video of myself and it's thrown me into a deep depression

I'm drinking, so sorry if this is barely coherent.

I was scheduled to have a remote meeting with a colleague and for some reason decided to record myself on my phone (the call was on the laptop). I know everyone hates to see themselves on video; the way we look and sound makes us cringe. That's normal. But, my god, I'm so much worse than you can believe.

I'm 31 years old and never had a romantic relationship. I never made a single friend at university and ended up dropping out. I haven't made a single new friend in the 8 years since. Growing up, people treated me like ****. I was never respected. I'm treated like a doormat. Regardless of how I act, I'm always the "quiet" one. I could be the loudest person in the room and still get called "quiet". Arseholes bully or ignore me and "nice" people patronise me. No one respects me.

When I saw myself on camera, it all made sense. My voice and mannerisms make me look pathetically timid and "awkward". That must be why all my friends and family secretly think I'm autistic, which I find outrageously offensive. In every test, I score better than neurotypicals. The idea that people think I'm socially disabled just because of how I look and sound makes me extremely angry. When I think of all the times people are rude to me, when I'm constantly having to roll with the punches, for them to think that I'm the one who lacks social skills... how dare they think that? Why is it OK for them to insult me with no regard for how it makes me feel, but if I so much as say something that might be construed as offensive to someone higher up in the social pecking order it's considered a major faux-pas - "Know your place, nerd!" - and everyone thinks I'm a retard? Why doesn't it count when the roles are reversed?

There is no hope
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-21-2020, 01:18 PM
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You type very well for someone inebriated.

It's common to feel like trash when you see yourself on a webcam camera. Firstly, that quality doesn't do anyone favors! But just go easy and be kind to yourself. You really don't look as bad as you think. For a living I do transcription. I literally have to listen and watch people talk all day. Never in my work have i thought "that person sounds/looks like *negative adjective word here*. Most of this stuff is in your head. In reality, everyone is concerned with themselves and not how you look like.

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-24-2020, 05:50 AM
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Hey man,
Being awkward is not a big deal , many of my friends are awkward the live there life to the full potential and people love them, and i believe most socially anxietios people are awkward because of the fear and daubts not because the Lack of social skills !!
My advice would be to get calm not angry and to make a friendships by interacting with people who u have something in common like a colleagues or people you know from hight school or college.

I feel you man, and you are more than fine you just need get rid of the doubts
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-24-2020, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Holy **** guys, I think I figured it out! The problem was my voice. I spent the last few days practising speaking in front of a camera and finally this morning something clicked. I changed my voice. I don't look anywhere near as awkward now, it's quite miraculous.

It turns out I was speaking in a really weird low voice before. I felt like my vocal cords were too loose and open, if that makes sense. I tightened up a bit, which increased the pitch of my voice slightly and added a bit of texture, which felt weird at first, but now feels perfectly natural. It seems to have changed by face as well - my neck/jawline looks better.

There is no hope
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