I recorded a video of myself and it's thrown me into a deep depression
I'm drinking, so sorry if this is barely coherent.
I was scheduled to have a remote meeting with a colleague and for some reason decided to record myself on my phone (the call was on the laptop). I know everyone hates to see themselves on video; the way we look and sound makes us cringe. That's normal. But, my god, I'm so much worse than you can believe.
I'm 31 years old and never had a romantic relationship. I never made a single friend at university and ended up dropping out. I haven't made a single new friend in the 8 years since. Growing up, people treated me like ****. I was never respected. I'm treated like a doormat. Regardless of how I act, I'm always the "quiet" one. I could be the loudest person in the room and still get called "quiet". Arseholes bully or ignore me and "nice" people patronise me. No one respects me.
When I saw myself on camera, it all made sense. My voice and mannerisms make me look pathetically timid and "awkward". That must be why all my friends and family secretly think I'm autistic, which I find outrageously offensive. In every test, I score better than neurotypicals. The idea that people think I'm socially disabled just because of how I look and sound makes me extremely angry. When I think of all the times people are rude to me, when I'm constantly having to roll with the punches, for them to think that I'm the one who lacks social skills... how dare they think that? Why is it OK for them to insult me with no regard for how it makes me feel, but if I so much as say something that might be construed as offensive to someone higher up in the social pecking order it's considered a major faux-pas - "Know your place, nerd!" - and everyone thinks I'm a retard? Why doesn't it count when the roles are reversed?
There is no hope