I need some advice,
These past few years I've been making plans, telling my family, then always ended up with no-decision. It's happening again, but I have promised myself not to bullsh*tting myself again and my family. This is about career and the future, to start I'm skeptical about my future, I'm not even sure I will make it past 23 but I've gained realizations these past few months that I need to get a promising job or at least get an education so I could enter a good field? That's not really the reason, I keep lying to myself and I have no idea what do I want and need, I just want to have a life.
I'm planning to enter an online course university, first, going to campus and meeting people scared me I still couldn't cope with this. Second, I know I can't live with a monotonous schedule and I have little to no motivation at all, so there's a big chance I'd drop out. But I need to go to college, life is full of surprises and most of them are ****ty, my parents getting older, I want to get out from here and live alone. The thing is I'm lost and not sure if this really what I want. If I enroll in an online course uni, I wouldn't 'grow' socially and my fear of interactions will always be there but I really want to have friends too...I want to be like other people my age, hanging out, find love, go to social events, silly stuff like that.
I'm 20, most of my time since high school has spent inside the house and I never really made new friends by myself. I'm surrounded by adults cause I follow my mom almost everywhere and I like being around adults, cause they're more mature and I don't have to deal with typical teenager jokes by making fun of people. But on the other hand, I feel like I don't fit either with them. I cried out of frustration lately for not being able to solve my problem for years. I really need people to help get my mind open. I already register for myself this year but I made an excuse to my mom again that I'll go next year since the pandemic still going on.
I feel like ending it all, I wanted to talk to my mom about my struggles but I can't really find the words and courage as soon as I sit with her. Ever since I got bullied, my whole self changed completely and I really need some help. I'm really embarrassed when people ask me what do I do cause I'm jobless, then they assumed I'm studying but I'm not either. My parents expect the best for me of course but they don't push me, but I know they want someone to make them proud. I don't tell my friends that my life is like 'this' cause I'm too ashamed.
Sent from my SM-A307GN using Tapatalk