So I've been desperately needing to vent about this for a LONG time, months now, in fact. I spend literally every waking moment thinking about this and it's seriously tearing me apart inside. Strap in, because this is gonna be a long ride.
Anyway, for reference I'm a 16 year old girl and I'm homeschooled (I only went to public school for 4th, 5th, 6th and half of 7th grade) and my life is very difficult. I've never had a real social life and I've always been painfully shy and very anxious. Like so unbelievably shy I would never talk at school or start conversations, EVER. I've always had low self esteem and just in general felt like a loser. (I have MANY various mental illnesses as well but we won't get into that)
Right now I'm at probably the lowest point in my life. A couple years ago my anxiety all of a sudden got OVERWHELMINGLY bad, so bad I haven't actually been in a car for over a year (sad I know) and I'm becoming so lonely it's driving me insane.
Around 2 years ago, so in 2017, when I was 14, I was really into South Park and one day on Instagram I found this girl who posted about it and I became completely obsessed with her account and I would check it every single day. She seemed very bright and nice and funny and I loved her charming sense of humor and her exuberant personality. Eventually I also found her tumblr blog and became obsessed with that, too. I would even tell my mom sometimes about how funny I found her posts to be. Looking back honestly, my obsession with her was maybe a little too much and I think somewhere along the way I forgot that all she was was just some random person on the internet and nothing more.
Fast forward to late fall 2018. I still really love the girl's blog and decided one day that I was finally gonna message her and try to become friends, because considering I was such a huge fan of her blog for so long, why not? I'll admit, just like in real life, I really don't have much experience with online friends. I had never really had any super close real ones before, so I wanted her to be my first. I was VERY nervous to message her for a while but eventually I gained the courage and shot her a text. I STRONGLY regret doing that when I did. I wish I had waited until I actually had experience with talking to people online, I honestly hadn't even really had my tumblr account for very long and wasn't even super used to it. But as you know, I was very lonely and desperate.
We didn't talk too much at first, but around maybe mid December of 2018, we became started to become pretty close. Our first big conversation was just her talking to me about this one old cartoon she really liked, and she would go on and on about it and I loved listening to her. We both shared a love for cartoons and animation, which made me really happy. I remember she would give me endless compliments about how sweet and funny I was and I would become so overwhelmed with happiness I would legit jump around the room and get lightheaded. I valued every single compliment so much. She would tell me how inspiring my interests were, and said I could ramble on and on about them whenever I wanted to and she would listen no matter what. Sometimes I would even sob with joy over her LOL.
Now, I'm not gonna lie, because of all that. I got attached to her. Very attached actually. I would get really sad if she didn't respond to me for a while. I would usually cry because I missed her so much and get frustrated and sometimes even angry at her. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to be feeling like that, but since she was so sweet and didn't usually mind me venting to her, I would tell her about my feelings and personal life a lot. Probably a little too much honestly. Looking back I REALLY over did it on all the compliments I gave her constantly and how I treated her like some kind of god. I would even thank her for liking my posts (embarrassing, I know).
Fast forward to late March 2019. The girl and I seemed to be pretty great friends. We now had inside jokes with each other, we were talking every day and we would watch cartoons on Rabbit every night together. She even drew me something for birthday, which literally made shed tears of joy. Everything seemed to be going well.
But then one day, I was looking forward to talking to her and she told me she wouldn't be able to because she had to go to her friend's sleepover. I broke down over it. I was jealous and upset. I wished I knew her in real life so badly so I could go too. Not gonna lie, I kind of guilt tripped her over it, but it wasn't maliciously. I really couldn't help it. She confessed to me that she thought I seemed to be getting way too attached to her and that it really wasn't healthy. The day after, we were arguing all day over it, and the day after that, she ended up blocking me on all her social media. I was devastated. I didn't feel right for weeks. I would replay that conversation over and over in my heads, her words stung like a bullet. I didn't get any work done for the rest of the school year because I was so unbelievably unmotivated.
Fast forward to June 2019. I was DESPERATE to text the girl again and try to mend our relationship. One day I decided to message her on my other account that she hadn't blocked. I was obviously incredibly nervous at first, but I mean she never explicitly stated that we officially weren't friends anymore, she just blocked me in a fit of rage. So it wouldn't hurt to try. After that, we became friends again. For a couple days everything seemed fine and for the first time in MONTHS I was happy again, but things didn't feel the same. I felt like I was the only one who cared about the friendship. She wasn't treating me the same way she had all those months back. She also slowly started ignoring my messages more and more, until she eventually wasn't even texting me at all.
Then one day all of a sudden out of nowhere, she sent me a hateful messages attacking me for "copying her and trying to steal her personality", and when I tried to respond she blocked me. It enraged me and hurt me so much. I had put so much work and time into this friendship and she tried to stab me in the back like that. I had admired her so much, and she had really let me down.
The next day, I woke up to a long message from her attacking me and calling me an abuser. I checked her profile and my stomach dropped as I saw she had posted a callout post about me. She described every single thing I did to her and how clingy and manipulative I was.
I trusted her so I 100% believed her. I accepted the fact that I was a horrible abusive human being and I would never amount to anything. I was miserable and hated myself and felt like an evil monster for a month straight, and I would have mental breakdowns cry myself to sleep every night knowing I'd never talk to her ever again and it was all my fault.
A LOT more stuff happened after that, and I won't into too much detail, but eventually there was something that made me realize how much that girl completely overreacted and how unnecessary it all was, and I attacked her right back.
Sorry this was so long, for whatever reason I felt the need to go into way more detail than needed but again, I've been needing to vent about this for a while now. The point of all this is, I hate her. I hate her fake positive attitude and I hate her shallowness. I hate her for everything she put me through. But at the same time, there's a part of me that really misses her. I miss the old her. I miss how she was before all the drama. She wasn't a great person then either but still. It's been nearly a year since we first started talking and I'm just really missing those days of us goofing around and her putting the biggest smile on my face as she told me how funny and charming I was. I actually felt GOOD about myself, for once in my incredibly empty life.
To be completely honest, I also may have had a slight crush on her as well but obviously I never got the chance to tell her that.