I'm so tired of myself
Hi, I hope I won't change my mind and decided not to post this halfway through writing, so here goes....
So I am the middle child of three siblings and even when I was growing up, I've always felt a little out of place. My mom liked my little brother the most while my dad liked my older sister, so I've always been the sibling who was just there. I was really smart though, and got straight A's in practically all of my exams. However, further down the line (aka after high school, which my parents had to work really hard to illegally enroll me into. It was a small school at a really small town. I probably wouldn't have been able to even go to school had we lived in a bigger town), I could not continue my studies because I did not have the citizenship of my country. Basically, I lived here illegally and my parents registered my birth really late, and whilst it was normal for other people to receive their ID when they're 13 y/o, I only received mine when I was 25 y/o. I was alright throughout my teenage years. It was only after high school that I started going downhill.
I could not get into any university due to my citizenship status, I could not get any work because no employers want to risk hiring someone who lived here illegally. So I started learning Mandarin and worked as an freelance online translator because I had to at least do something with my life, right? I stopped leaving the house and locked myself in my room. I resented my parent because this was all their fault. I began hoarding books and reading them, wishing I was living inside the story instead. I didn't see anything wrong with my situation then. I was resentful of everyone, but at the same time my life was quaint. My room was my little sanctuary. My safe haven. I eventually got a legit birth certificate a couple of years later (that's equivalent to half-a-citizenship), so I applied to take this big national test that most people only took when they were 17. At that time, I thought, I could at least enroll at this private university that has like this hiked up fee because they are more open to accepting people like me (public universities would never accept someone who only has a birth certificate.) So I studied really hard and took the test, and lo and behold, just one day after the last subject of the exam, I found out that my citizenship application had been approved and I am now a legit citizen of my country. I got my ID that very day lol, and everything seemed to be sorting themselves out.
The results came out and I was disappointed with myself because I felt like I could've done better, but I was still happy with my life because the idea of getting my ID never even occurred to me one year prior. I got into a university, and BAM social anxiety. I'm older than most people here, and I haven't spoken to anyone who isn't my direct family in six years. Now I have to room with a stranger and go out and see all these people that I don't know... We're in the middle of a pandemic, so our classes are online, which means that we're both here 24/7. I get so conscious of myself that I couldn't breathe most of the time. I would gulp audibly (I'm pretty sure my roommate could hear me) and have difficulty breathing. My body language is awkward inside and outside my dormroom. I could not talk to the cafeteria lady without my voice breaking. Wherever I go, people stare at me, and I think it's because I looked so awkward and panicked and out of place. I didn't know what to say to people or where to put my hands when I need to pay in the grocery store. In the off-chances that I would talk to people, my face would look awkward and my words and tone would sound rehearsed (because they are.) My voice would break whenever I replied to my lecturer on my online classes and I would second-guess myself because what if I'm wrong and gets humiliated in front of the entire class? I've seen a counsellor once and she was nice, but I regretted it because I felt like I told her too much.
Now, my family members (dad, mom and brother) all caught Covid-19 and I just feel so useless. I get so stressed out that I haven't been sleeping at night. I didn't notice it but apparently I looked like I was on the verge of tears all the time. I went to the dorm's management office because I wanted to change my room, and the lady there sets me aside and asked me if I've been having problem because she's been observing me for a while and I always look miserable. My mom and brother got discharged yesterday and there's this huge load off my back even tho I'm like thousands of miles away from them.
To be honest, I'm just so tired of overthinking, of constantly doubting myself, of feeling scared. I wanna be strong. I just wanna live my life you know. I just wanna walk down the street and not feel so overwhelmed and awkward for once. I have low self-esteem, I know that. I read inspirational stories and feel motivated to better myself, but that confidence only last 2 days max. I am just so tired.