I'm so lonely and depressed...
(I apologize for the length. I posted this mainly to vent. Not so much for advice)
I’m totally depressed and lonely. I feel like there is no one I could relate to. I feel like a social outcast. I have severe social anxiety that gets even more severe when I’m around woman, thus contributing to my loneliness. I have no real friends, no best friend, and certainly no girlfriend (have never had one). All I want is someone (who isn’t family) that cares about me. I want someone who I could have fun with. Someone to talk, text, watch movies with, hold hands, kiss, and hold. Forget the sex, I just want the emotional intimacy we all as humans crave. I find even the thought that someone out there may like me for who I am to be amazing yet impossible.
I see so many couples in public and it makes me sick. I’m so jealous. I just can’t talk to woman. I’m too afraid. I’m afraid of rejection and humiliation. I over analyze every possible situation and always psyche myself out. I have no confidence and no sense of security. I’ve been told that I’m a pretty attractive guy, yet I don’t see it. I am not happy with who I am. I know I need to start loving myself but I don’t know how.
I am all too familiar with rejection and the friend zone. I realize I do sometimes come off as insecure or needy but that’s because of my past failure. I’m stuck in a cycle. I’m insecure because girls don’t like me and girls don’t like me because I’m insecure. Every time I meet a girl I immediately start obsessing and forming these grandiose fantasies in my head. I get my hopes up and when/if I finally have the courage to ask her out, I get rejected and sink into depression. After this I tell myself that I was a fool to even think that I had a chance and I accept a fate of perpetual loneliness. I make a promise to myself that I will never try to talk to another girl again. This goes on until I meet another girl and I start the cycle again.
Approaching girls in public is flat out impossible for me. I'm just too shy and get severe anxiety. My heart rate increases drastically, my hands sweat, I blush, my voice shakes, I stutter, and I blank. I also experience these symptoms of social anxiety during other forms of public speaking (speaking in class, interviews, etc.). However in these cases the symptoms are less severe. This social anxiety makes me a very asocial person. No matter how bad I long for these social relationships, the social fear inhibits me to avoid any and all social situations that I may find uncomfortable (ex: parties). On many occasions I find myself coming very close to approaching a woman, however once the anxiety kicks in it becomes so bad that I decide that in this moment I would much rather go home and watch a movie alone than have to go through this. For the moment in time the prospect of my anxiety retreating outweighs the prospect of having a girlfriend. I procrastinate and tell myself “I’ll go home but next time I’ll go for it”. I never do.
I hate and envy how so many other people can just posses so many social skills and talk to others as naturally as they breathe. I even have trouble making conversations or friends with people whom I have no romantic interest in. I go to a huge university with tons of different people but i cant seem to talk to any of them. People always tell me not too think about it too much and just “be me”, when I think about it makes no sense because this IS me. I’ve been like this for as long as I could remember. If I’m not being shy and asocial I feel like I’m not being myself. I have also learned that some people confuse my social anxiety with being "stuck up" or conceited. People think that because im always alone, i must think im better than everyone else. On a couple of occasions I have tried faking good social skills but it left me feeling empty. I felt like I wasn’t myself.
I also enjoy sympathy. I don’t know why, I just do. I like people to feel bad for me. My only guess is that I enjoy because I’m so desperate to know that other people care about me. Part of me likes me lonely, sad, and miserable. Maybe its because its all I’ve ever known. Or maybe it’s because it makes m feel alive (I think feeling despair is better than feeling nothing).
I often accept the fact that I’m going to be lonely my whole life. Even if by some miracle I do meet a girl who likes me, eventually I will scare/turn her off with my insecurities, lack of social skills, and depression. I may be able to hide these in a short-term relationship but eventually (as in a long term relationship) they will surface and become visible to her. I get so down about being lonely that I often feel like crying. However, I can’t seem to cry.
I’ve always had trouble with girls and I’ve been told to be patient. The first time I was told this I was fourteen. Seven patient years have passed (I’m 21) and I am growing inpatient. How do I know another seven wont pass by? I don’t know why I’m like this. This all makes me very depressed.
(I have seen various doctors and psychologist in the past. I have many different meds and tried various techniques. Nothing has helped)