I apologise for the enormous rant, but I have no-one to talk to.
A lot of the people on this site seem like they are regular people who, if they could get over SA (I know that's a big 'if') would have no problem being considered normal.
One of the main reasons I am so depressed is because I know this doesn't apply to me. I have so many weird problems and fears that go beyond SA, I don't think there is even a name for them. I've somehow managed to bluff my way through life this far but it hasn't been fun. There are so many things that I've never done that everyone else does and I am just too afraid.
I didn't have a job until I was 21 and now I have lost that and am finding it impossible to get another one. Like I said in my other rants, interviews are torture to me, I absolutely can't stand being judged and evaluated. When I see them look at me and can imagine what they're thinking it makes me feel terrified. Also it's hard to talk yourself up to potential bosses when you don't even like yourself and think you aren't qualified to do anything.
I wrote in this thread
some of the really embarrassing things that I'm affected by. I know what caused this crippling fear of being looked at and judged, it was all the bullying and teasing, the constant comments and actions of people who thought it was hilarious to make fun of my horrible appearance. Although the worst things happened years ago, I still feel the effects of it now and peoples reactions to me reinforce that I am offensive to their eyes.
I don't want to become a total shut in, but it looks like I am heading that way. I have no idea how I would cope if I didn't live with my family. Of the many things that one might need to do on a regular basis; I can't make or answer phone calls, drive or bring myself to try and learn, catch a bus without extensively researching the times and looking on maps where the stops are, look for things in a shop if I'm on my own without feeling incredibly uncomfortable, get a haircut, go to the dentist, buy food or coffee from a cafe if I'm alone, use public toilets, write in front of people, ask a sales assistant anything. That is just an example of the necessary things that I can think of off the top of my head.
When it comes to fun activities, needless to say I haven't done hardly any. I've never had a girlfriend before, been out at night with friends, had any "proper" friends since I was a child, been to a party, seen a concert, gone on holiday/vacation without my family, been out of the country. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been places with a friend, and they were years ago.
My life has been incredibly sheltered because I am paralysed by fears that I know are irrational or at least shouldn't affect me as much as they do. I wish I could have tried to tackle this sooner before I got to an age where I am in the vast minority of like 0.0000001% of people who are as socially retarded as me. Most 12 year olds probably have more life experience than me. I'm a broken wreck of a person.
Above all else I wish I could get some kind of therapy because I really think I need it. It took me years to be able to go to a doctor about my SA and depression but all he was interested in was putting me on meds and getting rid of me as soon as possible. I can't understand how I am supposed to be able to get help because I physically cannot get the words out to explain what a mess I'm in. Private therapists are too expensive, I have no job. I don't know what to do