I'm messed up - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2008, 05:30 AM Thread Starter
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I'm messed up


I apologise for the enormous rant, but I have no-one to talk to.

A lot of the people on this site seem like they are regular people who, if they could get over SA (I know that's a big 'if') would have no problem being considered normal.

One of the main reasons I am so depressed is because I know this doesn't apply to me. I have so many weird problems and fears that go beyond SA, I don't think there is even a name for them. I've somehow managed to bluff my way through life this far but it hasn't been fun. There are so many things that I've never done that everyone else does and I am just too afraid.

I didn't have a job until I was 21 and now I have lost that and am finding it impossible to get another one. Like I said in my other rants, interviews are torture to me, I absolutely can't stand being judged and evaluated. When I see them look at me and can imagine what they're thinking it makes me feel terrified. Also it's hard to talk yourself up to potential bosses when you don't even like yourself and think you aren't qualified to do anything.

I wrote in this thread some of the really embarrassing things that I'm affected by. I know what caused this crippling fear of being looked at and judged, it was all the bullying and teasing, the constant comments and actions of people who thought it was hilarious to make fun of my horrible appearance. Although the worst things happened years ago, I still feel the effects of it now and peoples reactions to me reinforce that I am offensive to their eyes.

I don't want to become a total shut in, but it looks like I am heading that way. I have no idea how I would cope if I didn't live with my family. Of the many things that one might need to do on a regular basis; I can't make or answer phone calls, drive or bring myself to try and learn, catch a bus without extensively researching the times and looking on maps where the stops are, look for things in a shop if I'm on my own without feeling incredibly uncomfortable, get a haircut, go to the dentist, buy food or coffee from a cafe if I'm alone, use public toilets, write in front of people, ask a sales assistant anything. That is just an example of the necessary things that I can think of off the top of my head.

When it comes to fun activities, needless to say I haven't done hardly any. I've never had a girlfriend before, been out at night with friends, had any "proper" friends since I was a child, been to a party, seen a concert, gone on holiday/vacation without my family, been out of the country. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been places with a friend, and they were years ago.

My life has been incredibly sheltered because I am paralysed by fears that I know are irrational or at least shouldn't affect me as much as they do. I wish I could have tried to tackle this sooner before I got to an age where I am in the vast minority of like 0.0000001% of people who are as socially retarded as me. Most 12 year olds probably have more life experience than me. I'm a broken wreck of a person.

Above all else I wish I could get some kind of therapy because I really think I need it. It took me years to be able to go to a doctor about my SA and depression but all he was interested in was putting me on meds and getting rid of me as soon as possible. I can't understand how I am supposed to be able to get help because I physically cannot get the words out to explain what a mess I'm in. Private therapists are too expensive, I have no job. I don't know what to do

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2008, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm messed up


Does anyone else have major self esteem issues? If so how do you deal with them?

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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Re: I'm messed up


Well you're definitely not alone in feeling that way. I can relate to almost everything you have said. I'm 18, I graduated from high school almost a year ago and unlike most people my age I'm not in college, I don't have a job and I've lost most of my friends due to my SA. I find it easier to stay at home and not have to face the outside world and it's daily challenges I seem to make myself face. I'm terrified of college, not because I don't think I will succeed but because I fear having to be around a bunch of strangers who I feel will be constantly judging me. When I do find myself in a conversation I can't stop my brain from thinking things like "What am I going to say next?","He or she must think I'm an idiot.", or "I hope they don't find me inconsiderate." I haven't always been this way, in fact in high school I was very sociable, and never really thought about the things I do now. I don't believe I have low-self esteem physically just emotionally, if that makes sense. I'm sorry to hear you feel this way because I know how it an affect your life.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2008, 03:54 PM
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Re: I'm messed up


Sounds to me like you have a typical case of severe generalized SAD. I don't see anything weird, unusual or different in what you wrote in this thread or the one you linked to. I used to have a pretty similar case when I was in my early 20s. I managed to get my driver's license when I was 16 but in my early 20's I hardly used it at all. I wish I could say I'm 100% over my SAD now but I'm not however I'm way better than I used to be back then.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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Re: I'm messed up


Quote:
Originally Posted by GordonGecko
I don't want to become a total shut in, but it looks like I am heading that way. I have no idea how I would cope if I didn't live with my family. Of the many things that one might need to do on a regular basis; I can't make or answer phone calls, drive or bring myself to try and learn, catch a bus without extensively researching the times and looking on maps where the stops are, look for things in a shop if I'm on my own without feeling incredibly uncomfortable, get a haircut, go to the dentist, buy food or coffee from a cafe if I'm alone, use public toilets, write in front of people, ask a sales assistant anything. That is just an example of the necessary things that I can think of off the top of my head.
Originally I had drafted up this big post on how to get a job but admittedly I hadn't read to this part of your post. I can tell you that in order to be indpendent of your parents you're going to have to do all of the things you described being too scared to do with ease. Right now you are essentially disabled. Its not so much that therapy would be a good thing for you but rather in your present mental condition you are incapable of taking care of yourself. You desperately need to get in touch with a therapist and explain all of this to them. Print out this post you've created if necessary since you have a hard time talking about this.

Also, if/when you talk to a therapist emphasize why you are depressed and afraid not just that you are depressed or afraid. I thought I was just depressed for a long time and described it that way to our family physician. The truth was that I had a very normal reason for being depressed; I had no friends. But I had a very abnormal reason for having no friends. Facts like this will change what treatment you should get.

Seriously though, if what you describe in this paragraph I've quoted is accurate then you are disabled. YOu have EXTREME SA and MUST get treatment. No if, ands, or buts.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-02-2008, 01:21 AM
 
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Re: I'm messed up


Much of your post sounds like my own life. I did have friends growing up but none now, and I've been a shut-in for the past 3 years.

In the past 3 years...
-I've gone to the beach once with my cousins when they visited.
-I've gone to a shopping mall once (I went into two stores to buy a handful of items then waited in the car the rest of the time).
-I've gone into Victoria, the big city here, once.
-Went for a walk in a park on last Father's Day with my family.
-Went across the street to help parents clean up an empty lot for 3 hours.

Other than that I have not been out of the house aside from medical appointments, and a couple times when I went to my neighbour's to help him with some graphics.

Don't allow yourself to become a shut-in. Once you start it's extremely difficult to break out of it. I'm now at the point where I don't even give a **** and I don't bother trying. I wake up everyday and try to pass the time until I'm tired enough to sleep, then get up the next day and do the same thing. That's been my life for 3 years now. Actually, it's been that way for longer. Probably closer to 5. Prior to moving here I did manage to get out with some high school friends once one year, and twice the other.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-02-2008, 05:13 PM
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Re: I'm messed up


i know how you feel. i work fulltime and go to college, but sometimes i feel so lost. like how am i gonna get where i want to because of sa, but im gonna keep pushing myself. i am so afraid of when i transfer to a large university and have to change jobs but i look at it this way. just because i have sa doesnt mean i cant eventualy get the things i really want. things have gotten better, but im still afraid. i will not give up though, so keep trying

The existence of God Isn't determined in the thoughts of man. God exist, no matter what man think.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-02-2008, 05:32 PM
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Re: I'm messed up


Ugh. It sounds so much like me *headdesk* I'm so screwed up even now that I feel like my anxiety is retreating I'm still walking through maple syrup. How did I survive this long? Lies...

I wish I had the answers... but I'd say do anything to get treatment. Right now I have to use a computer to type everything out to my counselor and have to have my mom relay info to my psychiatrist... but hey any start is a start. Essentially do whatever you can.

I can't do a lot of the things you mentioned either... I guess we've got to start chipping away bit by bit without worrying so much about the whole picture. For the phone, for example, start by leaving a message... and keep moving up and trying even if you fail. Don't be hard on yourself. I know how hard that can be, but... I think it's helping me if only slightly. Throw away the maps and stuff and make an attempt whenever you can... I've long been a shut-in, but gradually I'm forcing myself outside... otherwise I'm still wasting away. Don't be like me.

Hey at least you got a job That means you CAN do it again... I haven't yet but I also don't want to become that shut in as well... making friends, now that's a mystery...

It helped me a little to start off accepting myself instead of blaming myself as well. Hey, at least we both can be socially retarded together here

Haha, I liked your description of the phobia of being lost and walking in the wrong direction. I hadn't heard anyone else say that before. Oh that's totally me

It is difficult to escape your past and find the help you call out for, but someday... we'll be whole and have what we're looking for.

Here's to life, the vice
The great herald of misery
In this cup, spiritus frumenti
For this is the nectar of the spirit
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-02-2008, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm messed up


I don't know dude, I hope you can do it but I reckon I'm a lost cause. I feel like giving up

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