I'm in such a dark place with this I could use some support
I'm in a really dark place because what I feel like is probably social anxiety is really robbing me of almost everything.
I wasn't always like this, I was always a bit socially awkward, but about a year or two ago I started having real trouble. It started after I got really self critical of myself and was wondering why I didn't fit in anywhere, so I started comparing myself to everyone constantly.
After a while I just started to get nervous when talking to people and extremely self critical in every social encounter. As it has gone on and on and on and I've gotten embarrassed over and over again, now I get no enjoyment out of talking to anyone, I just get frustrated. There is no joy whatsoever left in talking to people, in fact I hate it most of the time.
Furthermore, now when I talk to people, my mind draws a complete blank whether I'm anxious or not. Its like I have completely forgotten how to talk to anybody or enjoy it for that matter. I used to just have natural conversation with people, I didn't have to think about it at all and that is completely gone! I can't remember the first thing about how to talk to anyone. I've even thought about trying to find a book that would teach me how to talk again because its like everything I learned growing up about social interaction is just gone.
Sometimes I fear I have brain damage because its like my brain just doesn't work at all anymore when it comes to conversation anymore. Its like I can't remember how to talk, the conversation just isn't there. I just never have anything to talk about, it won't come. As soon as a conversation starts I start thinking about this problem and how stupid I must look to everyone and the anxiety just takes over.
I try to remind myself its probably the anxiety draining everything out, but I have so much anxiety from also having OCD its hard to even tell sometimes whether I'm anxious or not because I just deal with it so much. I feel like the anxiety has just cause a vicious cycle where I can't tell what's going on anymore.
I'm loosing it because I feel like I will never enjoy the company of another person again and I will never have any friends or a wife or kids or anything. I had to drop all of my old friends because we all got addicted to drugs and I decided to get clean (and then this started), so now its just me, I haven't been able to make new friends, and I'm SO alone.
Any support, thoughts, ideas anyone could offer would mean a lot. Thank you all!