I'm 37 and I'm never going to have enough peace of mind to truly connect and love someone - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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I'm 37 and I'm never going to have enough peace of mind to truly connect and love someone


I keep rewriting this post, so I guess I should just keep it simple:

Without inner peace and strong eye contact, I don't believe you can ever be intimate with another human being. So, if you have a major oddity with eye contact in one on one settings, what the **** do you do?

I've read the books, been to therapy, and took drugs. None of it helped me get to a calmness. If anything, it's just made me obsess more about it.

I guess I'm pretty sad the way things have gone. I feel like I'm a pretty good guy with a good sense of humor, but I can never relax alone with people. I don't enjoy the experience. Something is off. I can't naturally look into someone's eyes and feel good about it.

Are there any therapists who specialize in this? Am I missing something? Some people tell me to basically just keep forcing eye contact and eventually I'll get used to it. I tried this for a short period and all it did was make me feel like a bigger social retard than I am now.

Good night
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 09:16 PM
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Hi there, I can relate to you too! I also have social anxiety eye contact problem! What a coincidence! I'm so sorry you're going through this too! but I have plans for the better.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-02-2019, 06:57 PM
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I really wonder what this "odd" thing is too, but I guess it's not that odd since I recall having this after having a bad junior high experience where there were people who were 'judgmental' and I kept my emotions in. I was devastated and it was this inner thing that I kept in, the way I dealt w/ it that was the problem and the way I thought. I hope you can be one of my friends since I've lost almost all of my online friends due to their own reasons.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-02-2019, 07:17 PM
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try cbd
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-02-2019, 10:13 PM
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I hate eye contact and always kind of avoided it and still dated a few gorgeous women. Some women actually don't care much about that. It is a problem for me. Overall I have had terrible luck with people. For the last few months I almost never make eye contact with anyone in public. There are people who will not care or judge you for that. There are a ton of desperate people out there, I mean many people are so desperate for a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend that if you looked at the sky every time you talked to them they wouldn't care. I think most people would make an issue out of it, but not everyone. You just have to find people who don't care. I think looking at someone throughout a conversation is odd. I mean to hold someone's gaze for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, that to me is creepier than glancing at them once in a while. Maybe I am just weird but that is how I see it. If I hold someone's gaze, to me that is like invading their personal space
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2019, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Disheveled and Lost View Post
I hate eye contact and always kind of avoided it and still dated a few gorgeous women. Some women actually don't care much about that. It is a problem for me. Overall I have had terrible luck with people. For the last few months I almost never make eye contact with anyone in public. There are people who will not care or judge you for that. There are a ton of desperate people out there, I mean many people are so desperate for a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend that if you looked at the sky every time you talked to them they wouldn't care. I think most people would make an issue out of it, but not everyone. You just have to find people who don't care. I think looking at someone throughout a conversation is odd. I mean to hold someone's gaze for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, that to me is creepier than glancing at them once in a while. Maybe I am just weird but that is how I see it. If I hold someone's gaze, to me that is like invading their personal space
I would agree with you that their are people who don't mind it. Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't those people usually super outgoing types who aren't easily distracted by quiet or quirky types? What were your girlfriend's like?
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2019, 11:11 AM
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Actually, it might change for the better if you work at it.


Anxiety is a barrier, but we have to learn to let some of the things go....the excess worry and things we can't control.


We have to build an I Don't Care attitude to take things in the proper direction.

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Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover....
Live and HELP live is better!

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CHAT -> BERT

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WATCH WHAT YOU TYPE!
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-03-2019, 03:59 PM
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I really wonder what this "odd" thing is too, but I guess it's not that odd since I recall having this after having a bad junior high experience where there were people who were 'judgmental' and I kept my emotions in. I was devastated and it was this inner thing that I kept in, the way I dealt w/ it that was the problem and the way I thought. I hope you can be one of my friends since I've lost almost all of my online friends due to their own reasons.
it's okay that you haven't responded to me.. sorry I rashly asked if you would be one of my online friends.. it's just this certain point in my life. you said you feel you're a 'pretty' good guy, hm.. but thanks for your earlier responses in PM
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2019, 12:41 AM
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I would agree with you that their are people who don't mind it. Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't those people usually super outgoing types who aren't easily distracted by quiet or quirky types? What were your girlfriend's like?
There are not a LOT of people who don't mind it, but they exist. Not necessarily, I have dated shy and super outgoing women, some were 1's in looks and some were 10's in looks. I don't think the fact that someone is outgoing would make them care less if you make eye contact. I think it is a ridiculous thing to judge a person on. I will always look a person in the eye but i can't concentrate on my point when i am staring someone in the eyes, i look afterwards. To be honest, most women who i met who had a problem with me making eye contact were huge pains in the butt to begin with. I mean literally, like high maintenance in some way.

I have not dated in a year and did not date anyone from age 23-35, so my sex life overall has been pathetic. As a teenager i thought I would just stay a virgin. I never technically had a girlfriend, more like casual things. Either the women realized i was not capable of a relationship or i ran for the hills for a number of reasons, they were too clingy and wanted to talk on the phone 8 hours a day, they wanted to see me every day and then comment and psychoanalyze everything i said or did after knowing me for 5 days. I dated some nice quiet women and some knockout bad girls and obviously my type is knockout rebellious bad girls who always seem to drink and smoke and drive fast, but those types will turn on you or start arguments out of nowhere. Nice kind sweet girls will not confront you on things or start major drama but they are also incredibly boring. The gorgeous women i went out with would regularly start arguments and storm off where I had no clue what I did wrong. I mean if they had a point i could apologize but i would just play dumb and apologize for reasons i didn't understand myself. I am 42 years old now and have kind of thrown in the towel as far as dating. Women flirt with me in public sometimes but all I am capable of doing is just maybe sleeping with someone or just kind of sitting there and watching TV or movies at this point. I don't have the energy for much else and a few of the women i dealt with in recent years broke my heart and drained me so much emotionally it really took it's toll. I think most women want a guy who is emotionally available and draws them out and wants to go dancing or go to clubs or bars or museums or travel or fine dining, anything past "hey how ya doin" and i am completely overwhelmed. And I was the biggest loser in my junior high and high school and summer camp as a kid, so my only way to impress women was create a fun peppy outgoing fake version of myself that they responded well to. Very hard to keep that up for very long just too exhausting, I was a very good BS-er, and I am not the kind of guy who is a natural by any means, I am the type that would need to wrack my brains to think of what to say or how to deal with a situation or create vague BS lies or fabrications involving an exciting life where i am a success and an exciting kind of worldly man, when everything I learned was basically from reading articles or TV or documentaries, i barely graduated high school and flunked out of college after about 1 week
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2019, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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it's okay that you haven't responded to me.. sorry I rashly asked if you would be one of my online friends.. it's just this certain point in my life. you said you feel you're a 'pretty' good guy, hm.. but thanks for your earlier responses in PM
Sorry, I took a day off from this website. We are online friends. Confirmed
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-04-2019, 04:07 PM
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Sorry, I took a day off from this website. We are online friends. Confirmed
Oh ok thanks, we can talk
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 05:08 PM
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i'm the same way. I'm 26 and I feel like I can't ever be truly content unless I get to spend my time with another person romantically. Hell, I'll take just being friends as long as there's some kind of connection with another human being.

Need a friend or support? Send me a PM and I'll answer as soon as I can.

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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 01:35 PM
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I'm the same, eye contact - I can't do it really. Apart from close family and friends. I dont know wat to suggest. Someone else suggested CBD but that isn't sustainable long-term.


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