I'm 29 and have no desire to live past 30 - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-19-2019, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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I'm 29 and have no desire to live past 30


I have Asperger's so my thoughts may be a bit muddled but here goes:

I've been doing martial arts 2005-2017 and I really enjoyed kickboxing at Undergraduate University (2009-2012); I gave up drinking alcohol to be a better kickboxer. I then joined the rival club because they were really nice people (I still kept kickboxing at University). Not drinking alcohol and commuting to University for Undergraduate (as I was not ready to live on my own) made me feel left out as I never went to parties with University friends. That changed in 2011/12 when I finally passed my driving test and got to go to parties and stay out late. I used to say and do stupid things when drunk and didn't like the feeling afterwards so I quit alcohol in 2010.
I lost many times in kickboxing and judo and vowed to rematch certain people when I was ready but I got kicked out of my kickboxing club 2011 (a club I really enjoyed) for arguing with another club so did judo and wrestling 2011-12. I stopped wrestling 2012 as one of the guys I lost to in kickboxing joined the wrestling.

Then things started spiralling downwards in 2012/13; I went to a different University for my Master's (Grad school where I found a place to stay) people from the University martial arts club mocked me for different reasons: in Ju Jitsu they said karate sucks because I also tried karate and in karate they mocked me for not drinking alcohol.What's worse in Ju Jitsu they were holding the submission past tapping point- they were University clubs so they were full of 20-somethings. I then joined an MMA club run by adults and I was happy until I found people from University were interested so I quit.
I still enjoyed going to parties but whenever I went to a party as postgrad people I knew would never turn up and it was inconvenient going at 11PM at night; there was also an entry fee to the nightclubs.
My Master's degree was 50% Mainland Chinese students as well as 10% Thai, 10% Arab, 10% Nigerian and 10% Indian. A 'nice' mixture of people. I was lucky to have been to China in 2011 so I had something to talk about but then in the final month of Master's my so-called friends cut me out (we had no lectures left) and did things with one another and not me. Their excuse was they were ''busy doing assignments'' in 2013 but they were travelling and having fun with each other. On the bright side I found a wrestling club in the last 4 weeks to train at.

My friends from Undergraduate are too busy and working in London (Europeans) and my Muslim 'friends' hate Israel and think 9/11 was an inside job; they're back in their home countries. One of my 'best friends' who'se a Guinean Muslim met my Saudi Arabian friend (who never kept in contact while I was doing my Master's) the day he was back in the UK and didn't have the courtesy of telling me until he went back to Saudi Arabia. Now the Guinean is busy because he has a baby. He was always a lousy friend. I voted for the UK to leave EU as I feel my European friends don't deserve to live and work in the UK when I can't

I haven't had a paid job for almost 9 years despite having a Master's and I was doing stupid volunteer work at various companies.

I don't do martial arts anymore as people I want to fight keep changing clubs and coming to the clubs I want to train at. I passed my judo and Ju Jitsu gradings (as I don't do kickboxing anymore) in 2017 and finally did MMA until my father died at the age of 69 of gallbladder cancer (I spent the final 3 months of his life with him in the hospital).

I tried going to the gym but apparently I have to relearn squat technique (after doing it for many years) and I don't have the discipline to diet. I swim for 25-35 minutes 3 times a week.

My family exploited my phobias and made unsubtle comments about my weight when I went to my cousin's wedding in Canada last year (201. I've never had a girlfriend and I can't get married because my phobias were exploited.

I've been to 5 different psychiatrists and am on a cocktail of medications: Prozac, Stelazine (it sucks- couldn't concentrate), Seroquel (made me sleepy and fat), Zyprexa (made me crave sugar and made me fat), Abilify (gave me nightmares). Currently i'm on Zoloft and Solian.

All I want to live for is to go to Germany, South Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali. I've been wanting to go to Far East since 2016 but it keeps getting pushed back. My 20s have sucked; I want to die after i've been to India for Diwali and I can't do India until i've done Korea and Japan.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-20-2019, 03:36 PM
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Even though I have done nothing in my life, but I don't even trying to want to live until somewhat closer to that age...

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 11:38 PM
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All I want to live for is to go to Germany, South Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali. I've been wanting to go to Far East since 2016 but it keeps getting pushed back. My 20s have sucked; I want to die after i've been to India for Diwali and I can't do India until i've done Korea and Japan.
First of all, as far as medication, i am on a tiny dose of Zyprexa 2.5 Mg a day and nothing else. Seroquel and Abilify which were both horrible drugs for me personally and I had bad reactions. I have something LIKE Asperger's but I don't think it is that clear cut. I was on Prozac but I have been off anti-depressants for over 10 years. I think you are on too many at once and I personally might want to suggest getting off Seroquel and Abilify being that I was on them and had such horrible reactions. Instead of Prozac, I would try Celexa which is very similar an anti-depressant. The Zyprexa i am on I have maintained my weight but I am only taking 2.5 MG and regularly don't eat for 20 hours at a time so if i do overeat i can get away with it. I would try to insist on brand medications.

I just think on a basic level you were using kickboxing or karate etc as an escape. If you have problems or whatever there are ways that you can still exercise or work out without competition. MMA and kickboxing sounds brutal but i guess on some level you are letting out your frustration in the ring. It is not a big deal, if there are obstacles you can always train at a gym alone and get at least some of the same effect of using your body. I just think I don't believe in friendship anymore. i have had friends and dated and gave up everything because everyone eventually abandoned me or backstabbed me. Without getting too opinionated, I just think the reason your Muslim friends have those beliefs is because the United States helps and funds Israel for many years and has not helped Arab countries financially or had any dealings with them, that is where the hatred and resentment come from.

It just sounds like you are overqualified with your education. Your resume sounds sparkling, but often people who pass job interviews have charisma and are good BS-ers. At least you have the degree and have traveled and had the outlet of MMA or kickboxing and had friends. There will always be a time you can use that knowledge. At least you had the friends, nothing lasts forever including friendship. I don't know how you are financing these trips, but that is cool. I am half German and have been to Germany many times, I am just not phased by any location. The way i see it, you can't escape your problems by moving a lot or traveling a lot. I have been to over 900 pro sports games in NYC and hundreds of movies but have no desire to travel. There is nothing wrong with wanting to travel and live in Germany just dont think it will solve all your problems.

I would get off some of those medications. Zyprexa is a miracle drug for me although it gives me suicidal thoughts. Without it, i can't sleep eat and have major anxiety so i have to weigh the good with the bad.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-22-2019, 07:07 AM Thread Starter
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First of all, as far as medication, i am on a tiny dose of Zyprexa 2.5 Mg a day and nothing else. Seroquel and Abilify which were both horrible drugs for me personally and I had bad reactions. I have something LIKE Asperger's but I don't think it is that clear cut. I was on Prozac but I have been off anti-depressants for over 10 years. I think you are on too many at once and I personally might want to suggest getting off Seroquel and Abilify being that I was on them and had such horrible reactions. Instead of Prozac, I would try Celexa which is very similar an anti-depressant. The Zyprexa i am on I have maintained my weight but I am only taking 2.5 MG and regularly don't eat for 20 hours at a time so if i do overeat i can get away with it. I would try to insist on brand medications.

I just think on a basic level you were using kickboxing or karate etc as an escape. If you have problems or whatever there are ways that you can still exercise or work out without competition. MMA and kickboxing sounds brutal but i guess on some level you are letting out your frustration in the ring. It is not a big deal, if there are obstacles you can always train at a gym alone and get at least some of the same effect of using your body. I just think I don't believe in friendship anymore. i have had friends and dated and gave up everything because everyone eventually abandoned me or backstabbed me. Without getting too opinionated, I just think the reason your Muslim friends have those beliefs is because the United States helps and funds Israel for many years and has not helped Arab countries financially or had any dealings with them, that is where the hatred and resentment come from.

It just sounds like you are overqualified with your education. Your resume sounds sparkling, but often people who pass job interviews have charisma and are good BS-ers. At least you have the degree and have traveled and had the outlet of MMA or kickboxing and had friends. There will always be a time you can use that knowledge. At least you had the friends, nothing lasts forever including friendship. I don't know how you are financing these trips, but that is cool. I am half German and have been to Germany many times, I am just not phased by any location. The way i see it, you can't escape your problems by moving a lot or traveling a lot. I have been to over 900 pro sports games in NYC and hundreds of movies but have no desire to travel. There is nothing wrong with wanting to travel and live in Germany just dont think it will solve all your problems.

I would get off some of those medications. Zyprexa is a miracle drug for me although it gives me suicidal thoughts. Without it, i can't sleep eat and have major anxiety so i have to weigh the good with the bad.

The Seroquel and Zyprexa both made me fat; I don't think they helped. I'm on Solian (Amisulpride) which is quite good in that there's no side effects.

I've switched back from Prozac to Zoloft
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 12:05 AM
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The Seroquel and Zyprexa both made me fat; I don't think they helped. I'm on Solian (Amisulpride) which is quite good in that there's no side effects.

I've switched back from Prozac to Zoloft
Zyprexa helped me and was the only pill I can't live without. You might have been on generic zyprexa which is crap. I think I was briefly on prozac and Zoloft. I was on Celexa over 10 years and getting off it was torture, it took me a year of tapering down from 20MG to zero. I was taking like 1MG less per month to get off it. Extremely addictive and many or most of those are not meant for long-term use. I am on 2.5MG of Zyprexa for years now but I was taking 15MG for over 10 years back then. I was also taking 20MG of Celexa and drinking 80 ounces a beer a day and cigarettes so I was not using them properly. As far as anti-depressants, Celexa i think was the best for me, which I have not been on in over 10 years. i am not sure if Celexa had any real effect on me, I was mixing a lot of beer and cigarettes and stuff so hard to tell.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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I used to kickbox at a crap club; not only did their 'gym' not have a bench rack or squat rack, the club forced me to do katas and Pointfighting. We did grappling now and again but then we didn't grapple for months on end. I also felt left out as I was never invited to stag parties, weddings,birthdays,etc. I quit once I got my blue belt (halfway to black) and saw how they still put me against beginners in tournaments.
If I didn't go to University I'd have switched clubs from kickboxing to Ju Jitsu which I actually did but I still kickboxed. The 'rival' kickboxing club took me on and I enjoyed it there more than my first club but they too were crap because they were a Pointfighting club. I didn't realise until University how frivolous forms and katas, and Pointfighting were useless as the University kickboxing club we just did drills, hit pads and sparred. At University I realised how it's hard to apply your throws,chokes and joint locks on a moving opponent; that's why I'm glad I took up judo. I also wrestled but in hindsight I don't think I should have- I should've focused on kickboxing and judo. Maybe I shouldn't have done Ju Jitsu until after my education if at all- should've focused on both kickboxing and judo (I'd have done Ju Jitsu instead of judo if I didn't go to University).

Which brings me on to my issues at University. My first Uni had a lot of 'coconut' Muslims who would drink and do drugs (and not fast for Ramadan) but they still wouldn't eat pork. The actual practising Muslims from Sha'ria countries would forgive them for that and they'd prioritise friendships with other Muslims instead of me. Whether they were practising or British born secular (who drink and do drugs) they'd be united in their antisemitism and hate for America. What really irritated me was they'd say 9/11 was an inside job instead of condemning Al Qaeda and ISIS. When I went to my second University there were practising Muslims from Shar'ia countries and they too wouldn't include me.

Nobody from University keeps in touch and I never got a paid job. I graduated 2013
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 09:51 AM
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 09:15 PM
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I didn't realise until University how frivolous forms and katas, and Pointfighting were useless as the University kickboxing club we just did drills, hit pads and sparred. At University I realizedq how it's hard to apply your throws,chokes and joint locks on a moving opponent; that's why I'm glad I took up judo. I also wrestled but in hindsight I don't think I should have- I should've focused on kickboxing and judo. Maybe I shouldn't have done Ju Jitsu until after my education if at all- should've focused on both kickboxing and judo (I'd have done Ju Jitsu instead of judo if I didn't go to University).
Interesting, I have far less martial arts training and experience, where I learned karate for a short bit in my 20's and judo for a couple of years in grade school. Where similarly I'd found basic judo moves were far more effective in tussling or grappling fights/struggles than much of anything else I tried, particularly where I'm often not psychologically comfortable or in the "mood" with doing direct striking damage to someone. But I just do tennis swings now and have always been clumsier than average. Anyways, could you be an assistant instructor at a dojo, private instructor, or something like tai-bo at gyms as possible employment?

My own career is dead(stem field) but I still want to live, for now & curious to see what happens to humanity in this 21st century. Now I just do part-time with maybe a possible attempt at self-employment in the future.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-27-2019, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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I don't have a black belt and I have nowhere to train for I left on bad terms
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-27-2019, 08:10 PM
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Those who want to die kill themselves. Those who simply hate their life and want things to get better want to live but they still hate the world for what it is.



I've been seeking happiness for years.
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I've prayed that God finds me soon.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Those who want to die kill themselves. Those who simply hate their life and want things to get better want to live but they still hate the world for what it is.
If I were to kill myself it'd be after I visited Germany, S.Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 02:38 AM
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If I were to kill myself it'd be after I visited Germany, S.Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali
You will want to kill yourself after seeing what Germany has become
I live very close to Germany and it has become absolute garbage mostly thanks to Frau Merkel. And Germans are relatively "closed" people.

The only place that I think is worse is France (specially Paris). I was there in 2007 and still can't forget what I saw. The most disturbing thing was a man wanking in broad daylight in Versailles.

But well, good luck for your trip. I hope you will somehow enjoy it

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-02-2019, 09:40 PM
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I used to kickbox at a crap club; not only did their 'gym' not have a bench rack or squat rack, the club forced me to do katas and Pointfighting. We did grappling now and again but then we didn't grapple for months on end. I also felt left out as I was never invited to stag parties, weddings,birthdays,etc. I quit once I got my blue belt (halfway to black) and saw how they still put me against beginners in tournaments.
If I didn't go to University I'd have switched clubs from kickboxing to Ju Jitsu which I actually did but I still kickboxed. The 'rival' kickboxing club took me on and I enjoyed it there more than my first club but they too were crap because they were a Pointfighting club. I didn't realise until University how frivolous forms and katas, and Pointfighting were useless as the University kickboxing club we just did drills, hit pads and sparred. At University I realised how it's hard to apply your throws,chokes and joint locks on a moving opponent; that's why I'm glad I took up judo. I also wrestled but in hindsight I don't think I should have- I should've focused on kickboxing and judo. Maybe I shouldn't have done Ju Jitsu until after my education if at all- should've focused on both kickboxing and judo (I'd have done Ju Jitsu instead of judo if I didn't go to University).

Which brings me on to my issues at University. My first Uni had a lot of 'coconut' Muslims who would drink and do drugs (and not fast for Ramadan) but they still wouldn't eat pork. The actual practising Muslims from Sha'ria countries would forgive them for that and they'd prioritise friendships with other Muslims instead of me. Whether they were practising or British born secular (who drink and do drugs) they'd be united in their antisemitism and hate for America. What really irritated me was they'd say 9/11 was an inside job instead of condemning Al Qaeda and ISIS. When I went to my second University there were practising Muslims from Shar'ia countries and they too wouldn't include me.

Nobody from University keeps in touch and I never got a paid job. I graduated 2013
As far as martial arts, i saw all Bruce Lee's movies and saw Enter the Dragon fight scenes hundreds of times. You are just involved in dangerous contact sports or martial arts. If you wanted to do it as a profession I guess that is different but those are all super active an dangerous where you could regularly break bones or get concussions so I would not recommend doing those long term. It sounds like you were doing them as a release which they are but if you want to do MMA or kickboxing, that can be as dangerous as the most violent sports such as boxing or NFL football.

I played 3 sports as a kid and was only good at one, i know exactly what it is like to not be included, i think i was on teams maybe 4 years but played soccer, basketball and baseball and was basically never invited to things. That is a whole different side to things, I was not accepted either, all it sometimes takes is one friend which can lead to other friends, but finding the first friend can be hard as hell. And once you have a friend or two that doesn't solve everything because there are always conflicts with people.

If you have regrets about which contact sport you should have picked, don't even bother thinking about it. If you want to be active i guess lift weights or run. I lifted weights about 20 years ago for only a year or 2 and it makes you angry. When you see power lifters, they are just filled with rage. You get a high from it and then crash, like after you do a set you feel a rush and it goes away fast. I would suggest just running or doing cardio.

I was friends with an Arab guy in the late 90's for a few years, at that point I was completely alone and desperately in need of human contact. He ended up prank calling me years into the friendship. Was not really a friendship but anyway he was homophobic, anti-semitic and sexist. I guess the way I justified it was i had a human being to actually talk to once in a while. He praised his government which he said in his country, if people stole they cut their hands off.

From what I read, all Muslim's hate for Americans stems from is money. The United States from what I gathered for many years sent money to Israel and not to Arab countries, which is where the antisemitism and hatred for America stemmed from. There is no other reason i think for Muslims to have this much hate for Americans or Jews out of the blue. The government is brainwashing them to think that way and have that hatred. I am speaking in general terms, i know that not all Muslims hate America or Jews. Like anything else in the world, it all comes down to money.

As horrible as my dating life has been, from my experience and everything i have seen and heard, all it comes down to is money. 99% of the time, if you are financially stable, people will flock towards you to use you for money, or women for example will also be more likely to date you. Do you know how many celebrities and athletes who are filthy rich have entourages? Most of those people in their entourage could care less about them and use them for money. Do you know how many times after an athlete or celebrity crashes and burns and loses everything, how FAST all those leeches leave them in the dust? I don't even really feel jealous of guys on dates with hot girls anymore because I know most likely he is paying for dinner and drinks and tickets etc. I am not saying women demand those things but it is just part of society and culture, just how it is, I am not mad about it, just Cash is king
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