I'm 23 and feel like a failure - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 03:05 AM Thread Starter
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I'm 23 and feel like a failure


Hi,

I'm a 23 years old college guy from Turkey. The problem is that I feel like a failure. Well, I don't even know where to start but let me give it a shot. I will categorize my problems under some titles.

Lack of social life

I have been suffering from stuttering since I was three. This gave a huge blow to my self-confidence during my adolescence. I wasn't able to socialize, make many friends or have a girlfriend. I have always thought that no girl will ever like a guy with stuttering problem. Anyhow, I got speech therapy when I was 16 and came a long way. However, even though my speech got better, I stayed the same during the high school. When I entered the university exam and was able to enter a prestigious university in Turkey, I got happy because I thought that this could change. Where I am studying, there is an extremely social life of campus. I'm studying at the department of English Language Teaching, which is an area mostly preffered by girls in Turkey. Now I'm a senior student and will graduate in June this year. The problem is that I feel like the same guy who entered through the gates of the campus for the first time five years ago. Nothing has changed. I barely have a social life. I mean, I have only one friend to hang out with. Other than that, I have nobody to talk to, which is one of the reasons why I'm opening up here in Reddit. I spend nearly all my time in my dormitory room. I spent the New Year's Eve alone in my dorm room while everyone was hanging out outside. This really makes me sad and depressed.

I tried joining in the student's clubs in the university, but it never worked. When I went into a club, there were already groups of people who hung with each other. They seemed reluctant to accept me. More importantly, there is no student club I'm interested in.

No girlfriend

Even though I am 23 years old, I haven't had a girlfriend. This is another problem that makes me depressed. Well, I try not to worry about it. However, when I see that everyone around me has a girlfriend/boyfriend, the idea that I'm one of the few guys who are still single freaks me out. A few months ago, I heard that a friend of mine from high school had been engaged. Moreover, some of my friends in the college that happen to be couples now think of marriage. When I look at myself and compare myself to them, I feel like a mess who couldn't pull off anything. Sometimes my roommates in the dormitory make fun of me just because of this. They ask like "are you gay?". No offense, I'm not homophobic but this type of jokes hurts me deep down even though I laugh it off with them. At some point, I feel that the source of the problem is nobody but myself. As I said above, I'm studying at a department in which girls heavily outnumber boys and I haven't been able to get a girlfriend in spite of this. I am scared to death that no girl will be left after some time and my parents will force me to marry through an arranged marriage, which is still a common practice in my country. I have no idea how to deal with this problem of mine. The people around me console me with the sentences like "You'll get one too, some day" but I don't want to believe it. That's what they always say for years.

Porn Addiction

I think this is one of the problems caused by my lack of acception and affection from my opposite sex. I have been watching porn since I was 12 and I think I am an addict. I watch porn and masturbate at least once, every day. I tried quitting it for a couple of times but I was able to last 14 days at most. The biggest problem with quitting for me is that I don't have anything to replace porn during withdrawal period. That's why I'm reluctant with giving up porn.

Overprotective family

During my life, my parents have always been overprotective -especially my father. They were always like "don't go there", "don't talk to that guy" etc. I think this is one of the reasons my self-confidence is low. They have always did what I was supposed to do myself, thinking that I can't do it alone. Their overprotective nature manifests itself especially when I plan to go abroad. Last year, as I was planning to go on Erasmus. During my Erasmus application process,they were always like "don't go alone, someone should be with you", which is ridiculous. I tried to convince them of the fact that almost every student goes on Erasmus alone but they kept being obtuse (Later I had to cancel my Erasmus due to visa problems anyway). Nowadays I'm thinking of Work&Travel after graduating but I think they will try to prevent me from going just because I'm going alone -while many people at my age travels across Europe alone.


As a summary, I feel like I missed the train compared to the people my age. When I look at my peers, I always feel that I'm living for nothing. I don't know whether writing here will solve my problems. I just wanted to open up as I have only one friend who happens not to understand me at all.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suleymanyaman View Post
Hi,

I'm a 23 years old college guy from Turkey. The problem is that I feel like a failure. Well, I don't even know where to start but let me give it a shot. I will categorize my problems under some titles.

Lack of social life

I have been suffering from stuttering since I was three. This gave a huge blow to my self-confidence during my adolescence. I wasn't able to socialize, make many friends or have a girlfriend. I have always thought that no girl will ever like a guy with stuttering problem. Anyhow, I got speech therapy when I was 16 and came a long way. However, even though my speech got better, I stayed the same during the high school. When I entered the university exam and was able to enter a prestigious university in Turkey, I got happy because I thought that this could change. Where I am studying, there is an extremely social life of campus. I'm studying at the department of English Language Teaching, which is an area mostly preffered by girls in Turkey. Now I'm a senior student and will graduate in June this year. The problem is that I feel like the same guy who entered through the gates of the campus for the first time five years ago. Nothing has changed. I barely have a social life. I mean, I have only one friend to hang out with. Other than that, I have nobody to talk to, which is one of the reasons why I'm opening up here in Reddit. I spend nearly all my time in my dormitory room. I spent the New Year's Eve alone in my dorm room while everyone was hanging out outside. This really makes me sad and depressed.

I tried joining in the student's clubs in the university, but it never worked. When I went into a club, there were already groups of people who hung with each other. They seemed reluctant to accept me. More importantly, there is no student club I'm interested in.

No girlfriend

Even though I am 23 years old, I haven't had a girlfriend. This is another problem that makes me depressed. Well, I try not to worry about it. However, when I see that everyone around me has a girlfriend/boyfriend, the idea that I'm one of the few guys who are still single freaks me out. A few months ago, I heard that a friend of mine from high school had been engaged. Moreover, some of my friends in the college that happen to be couples now think of marriage. When I look at myself and compare myself to them, I feel like a mess who couldn't pull off anything. Sometimes my roommates in the dormitory make fun of me just because of this. They ask like "are you gay?". No offense, I'm not homophobic but this type of jokes hurts me deep down even though I laugh it off with them. At some point, I feel that the source of the problem is nobody but myself. As I said above, I'm studying at a department in which girls heavily outnumber boys and I haven't been able to get a girlfriend in spite of this. I am scared to death that no girl will be left after some time and my parents will force me to marry through an arranged marriage, which is still a common practice in my country. I have no idea how to deal with this problem of mine. The people around me console me with the sentences like "You'll get one too, some day" but I don't want to believe it. That's what they always say for years.

Porn Addiction

I think this is one of the problems caused by my lack of acception and affection from my opposite sex. I have been watching porn since I was 12 and I think I am an addict. I watch porn and masturbate at least once, every day. I tried quitting it for a couple of times but I was able to last 14 days at most. The biggest problem with quitting for me is that I don't have anything to replace porn during withdrawal period. That's why I'm reluctant with giving up porn.

Overprotective family

During my life, my parents have always been overprotective -especially my father. They were always like "don't go there", "don't talk to that guy" etc. I think this is one of the reasons my self-confidence is low. They have always did what I was supposed to do myself, thinking that I can't do it alone. Their overprotective nature manifests itself especially when I plan to go abroad. Last year, as I was planning to go on Erasmus. During my Erasmus application process,they were always like "don't go alone, someone should be with you", which is ridiculous. I tried to convince them of the fact that almost every student goes on Erasmus alone but they kept being obtuse (Later I had to cancel my Erasmus due to visa problems anyway). Nowadays I'm thinking of Work&Travel after graduating but I think they will try to prevent me from going just because I'm going alone -while many people at my age travels across Europe alone.


As a summary, I feel like I missed the train compared to the people my age. When I look at my peers, I always feel that I'm living for nothing. I don't know whether writing here will solve my problems. I just wanted to open up as I have only one friend who happens not to understand me at all.
You aren't a failure. I'm 23 too, PM me if you want to talk

I am trying.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 04:30 PM
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You don't have to compare yourself to others. Everyone lives life differently, go by different timelines, and have their own baggage to deal with. You can only compare yourself to yourself! Where did you come from and where are you going and all the progress you're making to get there. You had a stutter and you went through therapy and now you're in college, that's huge!! There's always going to be things we struggle with, we can't allow that to dictate our sense of self
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-31-2020, 02:14 PM
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When I was your age I was jobless and a big worthless ball of nothing. You can turn a lot around for yourself with hard work.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 06:22 AM
pls don't eat bats, thnx
 
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23 is young. most people don't really hit success or are in an enviable position until they hit their 40s or 50s. that is usually when men are at their peak in that sort of thing if that is what you want to go after. if you compare your life to peers right now you might often be disappointed when you suffer from mental health conditions, try not to be so hard on yourself. you've managed to do a lot of stuff with uni and joining various clubs.
you have different preferences to other people, this is fine too. life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. try to remember your differences are what makes you, you.
you could try using your imagination in regards to masturbation? or maybe just quit completely and try nofap? some people talk about it on here and swear by it. I am pretty skeptical of it being a magical solution to everything. but quitting porn is a decent goal and this IS something that is largely under your own control. good luck dude, you still have a lot of life ahead of you.

I like donuts
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-01-2020, 11:30 AM
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No one is a failure at 23, my dear! And I wish I had known this when I was your age.

Don't compare yourself to others - start taking steps to make progress in your own life relative to only yourself. Then look back in 5 years and be glad you didn't spend your good years being sad and mopey.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2020, 05:02 PM
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Only when you participate in social activities that is associated with the management program, that's when it leads your thoughts to fail about how your environment is managed.

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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2020, 05:59 PM
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I'm 78 & a failure : /






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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