I just feel so ****ing awful?
I feel so depressed 99% of the time.I'll have a good day and then it will slowly turn to crap. I go through so many ups and downs in a single day. What is wrong with me?
I have been seeing a new guy and he is great but I feel so messed up. I go from telling him he's awesome to telling him maybe we shouldn't be together cos I'm such a **** up. I had a rough childhood and I get jealous of his family life as he has such a close family. I am only close to my sister but we still argue a lot and I don't see her THAT much. My Dad is an alcoholic and my Mum rarely shows me affection. His family love him and he's always on the phone to his sister or meeting her for lunch. I feel so jealous of that. I wish I had that.
Instead I am stuck at home on my day off. Too anxious to leave the house today. I am bored and depressed at home. I've just caked myself in makeup as I am so bored and empty. I have taken etizolam and a can of Monster but I just feel ****. Yesterday I took some etizolam and I felt so high on life, so happy with this guy, I felt like I could conquer the world. I told him I love him.. But today I wanna shut everyone out.
Nothing interests me. I used to love playing WoW but now I try and play and I can't focus on the game at all, my eyes glaze over.
One day I feel determined to get better, the next, this. My counsellor says I need to teach myself to control my emotions rather than let them control me.. but I can't. I feel so alone.