I have a lot to vent out....
I donít understand whatís wrong with me most days. Some days Iím okay, I get by without much drama, but for most of my life Iíve had ups and downs in depression and anxiety. My biggest problem is being around people. As Iíve gotten older Iíve become less ďshyĒ but my anxiety over things got worst. I just plain hate being around people, I get so emotionally drained physically and mentally that I just feel like crying. Its that deep pit in your stomach feeling that you just want to crawl in a hole and be left alone.
I know I have depression issues and that can be a part of it. Iíve had periods where Iíve been really down but then I come out of it and Iím okay. Iím not suicidal by any means (in my 20ís I had that issue but that was a long time ago). But if it wasnít for my job and other things Iím involved with, I would honestly never get out of bed. I have to force myself to get out of bed on my days off, even if its just to get up and go to the store to buy toothpaste, then I know I did something that day.
I keep thinking I need to just lighten up and get over my hangs up about myself and just stop giving a damn about what people think. The problem is I donít know how to be easy around people. I would love to have laid back conversations with people but its like whenever Iím in a conversation my entire body tenses up, I check out mentally and I want to run and scream.
Lately Iíve been toying with the idea of doing therapy again. Iíve tried doing it online, didnít work, after a few weeks the counselor stop communicating *rolls eyes*(which is not a great way to learn to trust people uh?). But I keep having this nagging feeling that thereís nothing really wrong with me and I just need to get over myself.
I work at a great place, its honestly the best job Iíve had but its a very sociable place, I have to be in contact with a lot of people. Most days I come home and Iím just completely drain. Iím friendly with people but inside Iím a ragging, angry, irritable *****. I have been known to some people to be a bit moody, I have a tendency sometimes to be difficult and Iím fully aware of it. Iím known to be a good person but even good people have those days where there a bit nasty and thatís something I hate about myself.
I have this disconnect with the world and Iíve never liked that feeling. I would love to put myself out there and make more friends at work and else where but I donít like the idea of people getting close to me. Even my closet friend of 10 years who I met in college, I donít speak about deeper stuff even though sheís told me some really personal things.
I donít know if anyone struggles with this but while I type all this out and consider therapy, thereís a part of me thatís okay (if thatís even the word to use) feeling like this because its far easier to just wallow in self negative pity then sit down with someone and say out loud, verbally, that I feel like crap and need some help. Because of my anxiety issues I donít have a clue how I can sit down with someone and say out loud what Iím thinking. Most days I have so many feelings at once I canít sort them out, how can someone else?
I am frankly exhausted of feeling like this. Over the years Iíve had break downs, Iíve had panic attacks, Iíve had extreme lows, I just donít know how to control my emotions anymore, it would be nice to get through a day without feeling like I barely got by.