I Hate People!! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2020, 04:22 AM Thread Starter
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I guess this just happens to me, but no one ever wants to keep in touch with me. Not that I've reached out to people.

I was made redundant 4 months ago. I had a colleague that was nice to me. She was happy when I came back from holidays and she was the nicest one to me. Also we worked in same team. We would joke around.

We didn't text or went out outside of work, so I shouldn't expect her to contact me.

But I messaged her the other day and asked how she is. She replied but didn't sound interested. I then messaged her to take care and told her not to work too hard and not let herself be stressed out.

She didn't reply. She can't even be bothered replying you take care as well or anything to acknowledge the end of the conversation. That is so cold!! She's treating me like as if I got fired for bad behaviour.
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2020, 10:39 AM
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It's unfortunate but no one owes us anything not even a simple hello or thank you, as much as we'd like. Yeah it's nice but not something we're entitled to
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2020, 11:02 AM
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Yes, people can be cold. At one of my previous jobs, I had an older coworker whom I admired. She lived in another country and we communicated remotely, never met in person. We collaborated quite well. Never had any problems. After 2.5 years, I quit that job. On the last day, we were supposed to talk on the phone so that I could transfer over to her some of the work I had been doing that she would be taking over. She kept putting that conversation off, and eventually sent me an email, saying she didn't have the energy to talk and that she didn't want to keep in touch with me because she already had a lot of people in her life.

I never asked to keep in touch, so I'm not sure why she felt the need to explicitly tell me that she didn't want to keep in touch.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2020, 11:46 AM
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Unfortunately as @Hereyea says, we aren't owed anything, though I think people should be polite..

But here's the things with relationships, and these go all the way up from stranger, to marriage, with all the steps in between.. each one has expected rules, and therefore boundaries. I think a lot of people who struggle with boundaries (myself included), can struggle with feelings of loneliness, and not realise the implicit boundaries (and responsibilities) that apply to each level of relationship, and expect much more from a lower level relationship.

It's only when a deeper level of friendship has been created (with a lot of time under the belt, and both parties implicitly accepting the "rules") that you can rely on anything.

Even intimate relationships with a monogamous partner might not be enough, to provide the support we might expect, or need.

The precedent of the behaviour within a relationship sets the rules and boundaries. Do you just joke around with someone? Then expect nothing beyond joking around. Do you both share problems, provide a listening ear, and solutions, expect that (but you have to provide it as well!). Then expect that. But even then, don't expect it always, because its just a friendship.

1. Determine what the boundaries are of the relationship (depth of conversation, needs being met, how mutual and reciprocal is it?)
2. Expect or demand nothing beyond that.

You can "upgrade" a friendship, certainly, but it takes work. Amazingly I only recently figured this out when I learned how boundaryless some of my family are, and also, how unboundaried I have been too. It's now something I spend a lot of time working on.

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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2020, 12:48 PM
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I think it helps if you understand that the vast majority of people are simply not compatible enough to be friends. Lots of people are compatible enough to be acquaintances (eg. get along at work) but it's much less common for people to like one another well enough to spend time together outside of those forced social environments.

I think the biggest mistake that anxious people make is taking this lack of interest personally. To find someone compatible enough to be your friend usually requires you to interact with a lot of different people. SA people don't do that. But then they compare their lack of friends with how many friends other people have and misattribute their lack of friends to some personal flaw or to "being cursed". When the real problem is that they simply haven't done enough socializing. You can't win the lottery if you don't buy any tickets.

That's not to say that SA can't be off-putting, and that it doesn't make it harder for a person to make friends with specific people, but basically everyone has personal flaws and I'm not convinced that being anxious is a worse flaw in the eyes of most people than being arrogant or obnoxious or [insert other negative trait]. The most intolerable, obnoxious people I've ever met all have friends, and it's because they're oblivious to just how much most people don't like them so they just keep talking to people. (Sort of the opposite of a SA person.)

It can be very tempting, as a SA person, to try to turn everyone you do happen to know into your friend, but personally I think a SA person's time is better spent trying to find ways to interact with a larger quantity of people than trying to construct friendships with people they're probably not as compatible with. If you can meet that one person you don't have to change yourself for you'll be a lot better off than trying to adapt yourself to a person who doesn't like you as much.

And when people don't like you, don't take it personally. Most people don't like most other people enough to want to be friends with them.

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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-19-2020, 11:28 AM
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Ditto


It's weird 'cause something very similar happened to me just recently.

In my case, I did the miraculous thing of reaching out to this person on occasion via our company's chat app. The few situations that I got to speak to them in person (albeit very briefly) were mostly positive. Due to that reaction I got from them, I decided to be "assertive" and reached out to them. I think at first they were concerned (all in my head) because they might've been thinking I had something to bug them about (work-related). It might've also been the impression they had of me. I never heard this from anyone in the office but it got easy to tell that people treated me differently compared to others. I didn't get that as much from this person but you can always feel it (i.e. people think I'm weird). In any case, after some persistence (and slight setbacks), I think I was able to make the other person enjoy my company.

The problem didn't surface until I started thinking about something and proceeded to Google. This person NEVER reached out to me. It had been solely me reaching out to her and her responding to me. It came up during one of our "talks" that we were both not very busy during the day even more so before the whole WFH fiasco. In retrospect, what pushed me more to even use the chat app with her was that we were WFH at that point and it seemed like an appropriate communication channel as it was getting pushed out to everyone for internal use and whatnot. In any case, thanks to Google giving some mild diagnosis on my placement in between this person, I came to the conclusion that this person truly didn't give a damn about anything I did or said. There were moments were I got confused as heck trying to decipher things they had sent me ('cause some things could've been interpreted this way or that way) but in the end, I honestly don't know what this person considered me as. I know we weren't friends and we never did anything outside of work (not even chatting) but I had always hoped that it could've progressed into something remotely friendly.

I've tried to reflect on every interaction I had with this person and while I can see faults on my part, I cannot convince myself to see it as anything but a failure. I quit the company about 3 weeks ago and the reaction I got from this person was somewhat modest and also not what I wanted in particular. Fast forward to this past week, I get a text form this same person about something I had left for them in the office as a joke. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Am I supposed to seek more? What for? Based on events passed, I can only interpret her responses to me as obligatory societal courtesy. I want something genuine but I don't get the rules that apply to this situation. Can I reach out to her more often now? She's driving me insane.

Though I have always made it my practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once actually experienced friendship. I have only the most painful recollections of my various acquaintances ..."
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 10:39 PM
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I think some of the responses have solid points, but the tone of all the responses in some ways is BS. I mean God you have to chalk up some of this to people being jerks and creeps! There is not always a specific reason behind why people don't keep in touch. People are slimy creeps! I think the reason why people behave that way is partially to boost themselves up, and partially that they have a complex where they think they are superior to everyone, where they would no longer want contact.

This is the reason i don't put myself out there AT ALL anymore socially, a lot of people lacking EVERYTHING really just get a quick thrill out of rejecting people who often weren't even seeking them out as friends. I guess life really is a giant pecking order and if you are not up to snuff you just as left like in the dust.

I have no problem if someone is not interested in being friends or wanting further communication. My problem is when people come up and start a dialogue and then judge you within 5 minutes and cut you off, or go completely out of their way to reject you.

That said, I am pretty sure the most popular people encounter a ton of roadblocks and were rejected a lot along the way, but you have to just realize that a lot of people get off on rejecting people, generally who are lacking some qualities they want, and most of the people rejecting you have arguably more flaws than you do!
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 10:57 PM
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Yeah, I've found people in work situations especially are mostly only interested in co-workers from a survival, mutually beneficial standpoint, if they're friendly it's acting rather than being genuinely friendly, honestly it's nearly worse than being an outright jerk cause its deception.

But people do it everyday working in customer service, retail jobs etc.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 11:12 PM
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i don't talk to people at work and they don't talk to me. i/they are lucky if we even say hello. once i leave this job, they will be deleted from my memory.

when it comes to work, alienation is a big thing. we don't have some great goal in common, we just go there and sell our labor. there is no inherent further relationship just because we work together. we don't need them and they don't need us. its a bit dystopian, but that's because we live in a dystopia

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 11:19 PM
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i don't talk to people at work and they don't talk to me. i/they are lucky if we even say hello. once i leave this job, they will be deleted from my memory.
This is actually kinda for the best I think. Last time I worked I kind of followed that general rule and it was such a busy job there was really never any time to get bored. There were always 30 things that needed to be done an hour ago.

As soon as I started socializing with people more on that job, the problems started. I didn't see it at the time and enjoyed making friends and spending time with them but looking back, that was the biggest mistake I made.

/WYSD
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 11:42 PM
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This is actually kinda for the best I think. Last time I worked I kind of followed that general rule and it was such a busy job there was really never any time to get bored. There were always 30 things that needed to be done an hour ago.

As soon as I started socializing with people more on that job, the problems started. I didn't see it at the time and enjoyed making friends and spending time with them but looking back, that was the biggest mistake I made.
idk, its very awkward. i'm also uncomfortable to ask question, go to the bathroom, etc etc. which makes it a bad time.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 12:06 AM
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i don't talk to people at work and they don't talk to me. i/they are lucky if we even say hello. once i leave this job, they will be deleted from my memory.

when it comes to work, alienation is a big thing. we don't have some great goal in common, we just go there and sell our labor. there is no inherent further relationship just because we work together. we don't need them and they don't need us. its a bit dystopian, but that's because we live in a dystopia
Yea i think given that we are referring to a workplace, any advice anyone gives on this thread should be taken back or disregarded. For life, it is a valid discussion. I think in almost every case to protect yourself, NEVER associate with a co-worker or next door neighbor. I guess MAYBE a VERY RARE exception could be made, but even those people end up stabbing you in the back in the long run.

My main problem with workplaces is that everything you say can be taken out of context and misinterpreted. The only safe topic i think is the weather. Even talking about sports teams is dangerous because some people either know nothing about sports or will argue with you about a player or team and have idiotic opinions. Not even worth talking sports in detail with a co-worker. All you can say is, "that was a good game last night" For any conversation with a co-worker, or neighbor, or barber, etc. I am just constantly prefacing everything I say with, "with all respect" and then adding things like, "not that this is this way, i am just saying" so as not to offend anyone. I would end up just protecting myself and backpedaling more than actually making statements, so any discussion is exhausting and pointless. If a co-worker hates you for some reason, they are looking to lie about what you said and take everything out of context, so if you talk about the weather 24/7 and say 20 words a day, they can't really nail you on anything. I am working from home, but when i worked a 9-5 job, I ended up saying "good morning" and "good afternoon" and "good night" seemingly 100 times a day to 20 different co-workers. Sad and idiotic how insanely brief the interactions were, but that is all you can do at a workplace, too many backstabbers
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 12:53 AM
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I find people for the most part are less outgoing with texting, because less face to face means less pressure and guilt to want to respond diligently. Especially for people they don't think they will see as much or ever. Ex coworkers will be mostly fit amongst this. It usually takes someone that is a combination of: being very polite, valuing the other person and socially energetic to be diligently and consistently replying and sustaining texting and contacting with a large pool of people. This is rare.

Quote:
no one ever wants to keep in touch with me. Not that I've reached out to people.
Story of my life. I came to realize and accept if I am always the one that does the reaching out, the other person rarely/never does, it is a fool proof sign that this person does not value to keep a friendship or relationship with you.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 03:49 AM
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I think some of the responses have solid points, but the tone of all the responses in some ways is BS. I mean God you have to chalk up some of this to people being jerks and creeps! There is not always a specific reason behind why people don't keep in touch. People are slimy creeps! I think the reason why people behave that way is partially to boost themselves up, and partially that they have a complex where they think they are superior to everyone, where they would no longer want contact.

This is the reason i don't put myself out there AT ALL anymore socially, a lot of people lacking EVERYTHING really just get a quick thrill out of rejecting people who often weren't even seeking them out as friends. I guess life really is a giant pecking order and if you are not up to snuff you just as left like in the dust.

I have no problem if someone is not interested in being friends or wanting further communication. My problem is when people come up and start a dialogue and then judge you within 5 minutes and cut you off, or go completely out of their way to reject you.

That said, I am pretty sure the most popular people encounter a ton of roadblocks and were rejected a lot along the way, but you have to just realize that a lot of people get off on rejecting people, generally who are lacking some qualities they want, and most of the people rejecting you have arguably more flaws than you do!
Isn't it suspicious that staying at home is apparently the wisest thing to do and that social anxiety is a disorder which makes you want to stay at home and avoid risks?
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 11:24 AM
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Isn't it suspicious that staying at home is apparently the wisest thing to do and that social anxiety is a disorder which makes you want to stay at home and avoid risks?
Yea, a catch 22, i think staying home is relaxing and you avoid all possible confrontations, or rejections, or avoid being ostracized, but you are also missing out on possibly connecting with people. i have been to 800 or 900 pro sports games, and snuck into probably $100,000 worth of seats in 5 or 6 major sports, but other than that I would have basically never left my apartment. Anyway i think it is the wisest thing maybe on paper, and easiest, but it is not a road leading anywhere of any value, there should hopefully be a balance between going out and staying in
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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 01:41 PM
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Same but not for the reasons you gave.

Some people heard my words and thought it meant they knew me
Truth is, I don't exist, I'm just a soundtrack to your movie
Some background figure in a story that's already scripted
And what I feel's just felt for you to hear me ****ing spit it
I jump in many different heads through these words and poems
Always hoping maybe the next leap'll be my leap home

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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2020, 02:31 PM
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Yeah, I've found people in work situations especially are mostly only interested in co-workers from a survival, mutually beneficial standpoint, if they're friendly it's acting rather than being genuinely friendly, honestly it's nearly worse than being an outright jerk cause its deception.

But people do it everyday working in customer service, retail jobs etc.
Yea, whoever told me I should talk to coworkers and make friends is clearly oblivious. The ones that get in my face are just as bad as the sneaky ones so I rarely talk to people and have found my job even more peaceful. I dont need friends. Friends rarely exist.
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