I feel weird, but have to pull myself together - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-18-2018, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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I feel weird, but have to pull myself together


Tomorrow I start this new job. It's a long story, but I've been through a lot the past few months and I'm really not in the right mind set to be doing this. But I know this is the only way out of it. But I feel like I've relapsed when it comes to my mental health, to the point that now I'm also severely depressed most days.

The last normal job I had was back in November. I had a normal life and was pretty comfortable. Well, I thought I would take a risk because it seemed like a good risk. It ended up not working out and my life went to hell. I spiraled into depression and anxiety. Managed to get a temp job, but there I really didn't have to talk to people. Or at least, I avoided it mostly. Also because I knew I would be starting this new job.

Well, now I feel like I've completely relapsed. I feel like I'm back to not knowing how to speak or be confident or anything at all. I seriously feel like nothing. I feel like I'm a complete loser. I had to take this job that is less money, and now will essentially be making as much as someone at Best Buy. No offense to anyone at best buy, but when you were on the up and went to college and all this stuff and end up here...well..it kills your spirit and any confidence you managed to rake up.

I'm completely lost. All I have is my husband and family. But I feel totally lonely. I feel like a loser. I don't see myself reaching any of my dreams. I'm never going to make enough money now. I'm out of options. I got turned down for every job but this one. Most didn't even bother calling me at all.

I don't know how to be okay with never having what I want in life. I don't know how to be okay with dealing with people. Not having friends. Never being good enough. I'm not at the point where I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I just don't want to care about it. I don't want to care if I can ever buy a house or afford kids or have a great job even.

I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to go on vacations and breath with excitment. Wake up and feel content with life. Look at my dog and feel like we have everything we need.
Instead, I go on vacation and feel nothing. I wake up and wonder why I made it another day. I look at my dog and get irritated. I dread family visiting me. I feel the constant need to be alone.

I don't want even want to go tomorrow. I dread it actually. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But I don't have a choice.

shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-18-2018, 09:03 PM Thread Starter
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Oh, I should add that yes I have family, but we don't talk about this stuff. They aren't good at emotional support. I only talk to them once a week.
My husband has his own stress and can't handle mine, so I don't even bother.

shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2018, 05:39 PM
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You just have to be strong, no way around it.

EDIT: WHAT THE ****! You have a husband!!! Jesus christ. Maybe appreciate what you have a little. I have no life, never was a kid and never will have kids or probably a girlfriend either, and i'm probably happier than you lol.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2018, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by sad1231234 View Post
You just have to be strong, no way around it.

EDIT: WHAT THE ****! You have a husband!!! Jesus christ. Maybe appreciate what you have a little. I have no life, never was a kid and never will have kids or probably a girlfriend either, and i'm probably happier than you lol.
I'm pretty sure most people are happier than me. You probably don't have depression on top of SA. Be thankful.

shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2018, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by plastics View Post
I'm pretty sure most people are happier than me. You probably don't have depression on top of SA. Be thankful.
hell yeah i have depression XD Lifelong severe social anxiety. Severe ocd. Severe derealization/depersonalization disorder. But i'm kinda happy you can be too, maybe you should learn to appreciate things more, and learn to not let your problems affect your happiness. There is no point in feeling bad about anything. And like i said appreciate life more, a lot of people here dream of nothing more in life than having a husband/wife. I'm not in your shoes so i am sorry for whatever you are going through, but you seem to have a lot of good things in your life. Oh and maybe you should talk to your husband about both trying to support each other? One vital thing in relationships is support, its like the minute both parties stop supporting each other, it starts to fall apart.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2018, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
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Well, I used to be content and sort of happy most of the time. But I think something began happening in my brain. I started to not sleep well and have racing thoughts (this was at my old job). It started happening last summer. Then when I left the job and everything spiraled out of control, I hit rock bottom. I just feel awful every day. Physical pain even. Tired to the point I feel like passing out at points.

I do tell my husband everything, but he doesn't understand. He just tells me to go see a therapist. I'm afraid to see a therapist because if it doesn't help, I'm going to go into a deeper depression and feel even more like life is hopeless and meaningless.

I know I have good things in my life, I'm a very grateful person for those things. But I always think about how one day they will end. On top of that SA is never going to be curable. Now I have this depression/ADHD whatever it might be going on and making things worse. I stopped taking birth control in hopes that was causing a lot of my issues. But I don't know yet.

shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-20-2018, 03:21 AM
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Originally Posted by plastics View Post
Well, I used to be content and sort of happy most of the time. But I think something began happening in my brain. I started to not sleep well and have racing thoughts (this was at my old job). It started happening last summer. Then when I left the job and everything spiraled out of control, I hit rock bottom. I just feel awful every day. Physical pain even. Tired to the point I feel like passing out at points.

I do tell my husband everything, but he doesn't understand. He just tells me to go see a therapist. I'm afraid to see a therapist because if it doesn't help, I'm going to go into a deeper depression and feel even more like life is hopeless and meaningless.

I know I have good things in my life, I'm a very grateful person for those things. But I always think about how one day they will end. On top of that SA is never going to be curable. Now I have this depression/ADHD whatever it might be going on and making things worse. I stopped taking birth control in hopes that was causing a lot of my issues. But I don't know yet.
Hmm i have no idea what that could be. Maybe you could explain more? If it is physical problems then you should see a doctor. If it is mental issues and emotional problems, then trust me i have found out that we have a great extent of control over our psyche(mind, emotions, thoughts). You can decide to not let anything affect your happiness. It is hard to do at first since the brain is wired to react emotionally to problems, but with time you will realize that you can learn to not feel bad over things and to have true happiness that does not depend on anything.

Hmm sorry that he doesnt understand. A lot of people lack the ability to fully understand us emotionally. Maybe a deep talk would get him to be more understandable/supportive? Is there any way you can fight your depression? Find a passion, indulge in enjoying the things you have in life, etc. What i do is i tell myself that there is no need to let things depress me. It doesnt really help since depression is more hard-wired into our thinking than anger or frustration, but reminding yourself that depression is pointless really helps you to be less depressed about a lot of things.

Yeah everything will end one day but we cant change that, we can only accept it and flow with it. And who knows, maybe there is an afterlife. There are some pretty decent cases for religion you know. I find if i have a lot of crazy/racing thoughts, which seems like what you might have, i just let go of the urge to control them and i flow with life.
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