Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: United States, Northeast
I feel weird, but have to pull myself together
Tomorrow I start this new job. It's a long story, but I've been through a lot the past few months and I'm really not in the right mind set to be doing this. But I know this is the only way out of it. But I feel like I've relapsed when it comes to my mental health, to the point that now I'm also severely depressed most days.
The last normal job I had was back in November. I had a normal life and was pretty comfortable. Well, I thought I would take a risk because it seemed like a good risk. It ended up not working out and my life went to hell. I spiraled into depression and anxiety. Managed to get a temp job, but there I really didn't have to talk to people. Or at least, I avoided it mostly. Also because I knew I would be starting this new job.
Well, now I feel like I've completely relapsed. I feel like I'm back to not knowing how to speak or be confident or anything at all. I seriously feel like nothing. I feel like I'm a complete loser. I had to take this job that is less money, and now will essentially be making as much as someone at Best Buy. No offense to anyone at best buy, but when you were on the up and went to college and all this stuff and end up here...well..it kills your spirit and any confidence you managed to rake up.
I'm completely lost. All I have is my husband and family. But I feel totally lonely. I feel like a loser. I don't see myself reaching any of my dreams. I'm never going to make enough money now. I'm out of options. I got turned down for every job but this one. Most didn't even bother calling me at all.
I don't know how to be okay with never having what I want in life. I don't know how to be okay with dealing with people. Not having friends. Never being good enough. I'm not at the point where I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I just don't want to care about it. I don't want to care if I can ever buy a house or afford kids or have a great job even.
I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to go on vacations and breath with excitment. Wake up and feel content with life. Look at my dog and feel like we have everything we need.
Instead, I go on vacation and feel nothing. I wake up and wonder why I made it another day. I look at my dog and get irritated. I dread family visiting me. I feel the constant need to be alone.
I don't want even want to go tomorrow. I dread it actually. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But I don't have a choice.
shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.