I feel my accomplishments are meaningless - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-26-2019, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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I feel my accomplishments are meaningless


I feel this often, and it's everywhere. I feel it at work, that others are better at the job and confident than I am, and when new people get hired, I'm always afraid they'll be better than I am, especially if they have more degrees than me.

At gym, I always look at the big guys with deep voice and think "you'll never be like that"

In neighborhood, I feel like the neighbors are all normal and happy and they probably think I'm the weird 30 year old that lives at home. So I try to seem a lot younger than I am.

When I went to church I always felt everyone was more spiritual than I was and followed Christ better and prayed more/fasted, etc.

Plus I feel behind, because almost everyone I know already has a nice house and some have two houses but I live at home. Plus, most of them have at least one nice car if not two. I got a newer car this year, but I still think theirs are better, like a more reliable brand, etc and that mine is what an old person would have/not sporty for a younger person. Of course they all have better personalities too, which helps regardless.

It's just in general, even if I can admit I good at something, I look at others and see that they're better at that or something else. I guess I tend to look for the good in others, good looking, personality, genetics, talents, etc but only see problems in my personality, what I have, etc.

It's really frustrating.

Underneath the cold November sky, I wait for you... As the pages of my life roll by, I wait for you... I'm so desperate just to see your face, meet me in this broken place...

Be a little brave for a little bit of time.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-26-2019, 11:05 PM
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Dude, I know this sounds cliché, but you shouldn't compare yourself to others, there will always be someone better than you at something.
Just be an honest man, do what you think should be done with your life and **** the rest.

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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 02:03 AM
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Originally Posted by shyguy07 View Post
I feel this often, and it's everywhere. I feel it at work, that others are better at the job and confident than I am, and when new people get hired, I'm always afraid they'll be better than I am, especially if they have more degrees than me.

At gym, I always look at the big guys with deep voice and think "you'll never be like that"

In neighborhood, I feel like the neighbors are all normal and happy and they probably think I'm the weird 30 year old that lives at home. So I try to seem a lot younger than I am.

When I went to church I always felt everyone was more spiritual than I was and followed Christ better and prayed more/fasted, etc.

Plus I feel behind, because almost everyone I know already has a nice house and some have two houses but I live at home. Plus, most of them have at least one nice car if not two. I got a newer car this year, but I still think theirs are better, like a more reliable brand, etc and that mine is what an old person would have/not sporty for a younger person. Of course they all have better personalities too, which helps regardless.

It's just in general, even if I can admit I good at something, I look at others and see that they're better at that or something else. I guess I tend to look for the good in others, good looking, personality, genetics, talents, etc but only see problems in my personality, what I have, etc.

It's really frustrating.
I think everything in life is a competition, and even people who seem like total winners, they often feel like losers, and even those people have a ton of people that want to knock them off their perch. If you go to a gym, I would just worry about doing your best and flirt with chicks once in a while. At a workplace I guess you would notice that kind of thing more.

My neighbors in my area, who I kinda hate, I agree with you, but i would not want to be them, because most people are just so phony and robot drones. They all just tell the same jokes, same way of life and dumb hobbies. I mean they might be individuals but deep down they are all the same you know. A lot of people who have the nicest cars or houses are boring as hell. i think very successful people financially are often boring because they spent their entire life working towards something so they never developed social skills or a personality. A lot of rich people are just buying friends and relationships. If it looks too good to be true it probably is. Buying nice cars says a lot about a person. If you buy a red corvette that often means you want to appear flashy in kinda a cheap way. If you buy a brand new sports car and customize it and it is expensive, or like a convertible, that often means you want attention or are trying to attract the wrong kind of attention. My area where I live no one buys flashy cars really, it is a rich area but everyone has Saab's or Toyotas or whatever. The people here mostly have a lot of money but are more concerned with the environment and staying married for 40 years and never having sex than actually living or having fun. No one here is really overweight in my neighborhood. A lot of people eating organic food and going to the gym 3 hours a day and wearing fitted tight clothes and having perfect haircuts and shaving every day. They are not real people you know.

Anyway I got carried away but my point is, if you were as socially accepted as them, or had the nice cars or house, you would almost be living a lie because you would no longer be you.
It is like, if you become a success or become part of a scene, you are just becoming a fake human being, no matter what the scene is. The best advice about life is "it is all BS" I mean do whatever you want but to try to and fit in, which i can't anyway, is so much work that you are almost better off with the same old car and same room and same BS clothes because who cares you know?
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 08:14 AM
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Most people are average.

... Hold on, let me check my calendar. Nope, nothing planned for the rest of the year.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-30-2019, 06:15 PM
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You sound pretty good to me mate - try not to let all this stuff worry you. And why would you want to be some big guy with a deep voice? I think those big guys look ridiculous tbh.

And all the other stuff is relative too - we all have to live our own lives and we just do the best we can.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 05:40 AM
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Same, I don't accomplish anything anymore though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BRITA Group CEO
In the future, everyone will design their own water
My computer thinks I'm gay
What's the difference anyway
When all the people do all day
Is stare into a phone
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 01:24 AM
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Other people see my life as essentially devoid of worth, because I don't have any recognizable public markers of value. But I'm not a failure in my own terms. I have my own culture, with my own value hierarchies, which are distinct from the value hierarchies of mainstream culture; others may judge me in those terms, but their opinions are largely irrelevant to me at this point. They have no real impact on how I feel about myself. You can't lose a game you're not even playing.

Are you sure you want to permanently delete this culture? [Yes] [No]
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted by shyguy07 View Post
When I went to church I always felt everyone was more spiritual than I was and followed Christ better and prayed more/fasted, etc.
An example from what you wrote.

1. You can't measure "spirituality", how spiritual are you? so its not a good metric to compare your progress on.
2. You can't measure how spiritual other people are.
3. You can't determine how often other people pray or fast.
4. You can't measure how "well" someone follows Christ.

so, let me ask you, how on earth could you, possibly achieve this standard you have set? It's absolutely impossible, because you can't even measure it, at all.

I am not having a go or anything, just pointing out what you don't seem to have noticed.. That you have literally set goals you cannot possibly meet, or even know when you have achieved them, and are then whipping yourself for not having met them. So long as you have these intangible goals, you aren't going to get anywhere.. you are literally actively preventing yourself from having any sense of achievement.

Of course you are frustrated by not having achievement.

The solution, if you want actual achievement is pick something that matter to you, make sure its quantifiable (you can measure it) and try to improve it over time.

Literally all of the things you feel you lack in achievement, are really hard to measure.

1. Others being more confident (how is confidence measured? How can this be distinguished from them seeming confident)
2. Being good at the job (how is this measured)
3. Being "big" at the gym, depth of voice
4. Happiness of neighbours (you know people hide their misery, right?)
5. Car "niceness"
6. Better personality
7. Looks, genetics, talent
8. "General goodness at things".

Pick a goal, a tangible one, and work towards it, otherwise your entire life is going to be filled with failure, because you by definition cannot achieve any success.

So for example, you have several domains that seem to be important to you:

1. Spirituality
2. Physique
3. Independence
4. Happiness

My advice would be to, for each of these (or whatever actually you want to achieve), pick something that you can measure and that is slightly difficult, but doable, and you can improve upon over time, and do it, and measure it, and record it, and see if you actually improve.

1. Pray x amount per day, or self flagellate x times per day (don't do this, I am joking, spirituality obviously isn't something to measure, its something you can't quantify)
2. Get to certain realistic benchmarks after 1 month. Reduce weight by x. Gain weight by x. Increase lift by x. Increase measurement by x. Make it achievable.
3. Put in place a long term plan for increasing your employability, capability of earning more. Training, skills, whatever. Decide to do things and follow through on them.
4. Take up meditation. Do CBT. Speak to therapists. Measure how often you do these things.

These are examples only. You need to spend some time determining what is actually important to you and setting and making achievable goals. If you don't do this, then obviously you aren't going to get any sense of achievement.

Reply and tell me what you are going to do.

Dimethylamidophenyldimethylpyrazolone
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 02:06 AM
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Yeah I guess we have to try and reach a point where we don't measure ourselves against society's expectations of us - that's a pretty hard thing to do though. I think I'm lucky in that I've at least had a family - so I can at least talk about all that if need be with people and they can relate. Plus my wife and my son are very good at giving me positive feedback.

For example I was just telling my wife some of the things this new shrink was saying and she said she wanted to come next time too - jut so she could "contribute" if necessary. Probably not a good idea.

In other areas of my life I certainly don't meet requirements - of that I'm certain. I don't have a nice house (my wife does though) and I don't even have a car. But what I've found is that if someone really likes you - they don't actually care about all that crap anyway.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 07:26 AM
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I joined a depression support group and everybody was more depressed than I was. I can't even be good at being depressed.

... Hold on, let me check my calendar. Nope, nothing planned for the rest of the year.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 07:51 AM
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@shyguy07 I didn't mean that in a negative way, or blaming you or anything.. honestly it sounds like it might be depression...

But, I think it makes sense, if you are going to place self worth on achievements (and you don't actually have to do that, but it's harder not to, for sure) to make sure you are actually making goals that are achievable and quantifiable, otherwise the deck is rigged against you.. and in the case of comparing to others, especially things like how happy they are, you will never every be able to measure up, because you can't possibly know how happy they are.

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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-03-2019, 09:03 AM
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Its all an illusion anyway. Its all set up to keep the hamster on the wheel and it does so brilliantly.
And the average people are fighting each other every day to have the nicest wheel and the most impressive cage.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-06-2019, 05:29 PM
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I joined a depression support group and everybody was more depressed than I was. I can't even be good at being depressed.
Haha I am actually the opposite, i went to a mood disorder group about 5 times, this was many years ago, and i was convinced I was more depressed than almost anyone there.
I mean maybe there were 1 or 2 people who were in even worse situations, but I look depressed even when i am happy, so I felt like people were avoiding me due to creepiness and being in worse depths of depression than they were
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-06-2019, 05:38 PM
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Other people see my life as essentially devoid of worth, because I don't have any recognizable public markers of value. But I'm not a failure in my own terms. I have my own culture, with my own value hierarchies, which are distinct from the value hierarchies of mainstream culture; others may judge me in those terms, but their opinions are largely irrelevant to me at this point. They have no real impact on how I feel about myself. You can't lose a game you're not even playing.
I think no matter how successful you are, unless you are a huge celebrity, no one really will know. It really comes down to, at the end of the day, everyone has to judge themselves.
If you are an athlete, depending on how big you are, you could be looked at as an icon. Or a singer etc. Bill Gates who will donate 100billion to charity, people in the know will see him as a hero. If you are a donor to the Metropolitan museum, you could donate 100 million dollars and have a wing and no one will know you, as in, you could walk into a restaurant anonymously.

If you can develop a fake enough persona and become popular without having any real qualities, which I have done years ago, you could build a following with nothing really going for yourself. My next door neighbor has hundreds of friends and invites half the town over every holiday and weekend. My luck with people has completely run out years ago. If you are just a random person, i guess people will ask, "were you an athlete? were you an artist? have you traveled? Do you have more than 1 home or nice card? Are you in shape" these are all things that people for the most part can lie about or stretch the truth enough that they can become all these things enough to be accepted somewhere, a club or bar scene or whatever. People generally don't want to know shy quiet loners who play video games and read on friday and saturday night and have tons of knowledge about useless nerdy information. They want peppy, fun, outgoing people, with a quick wit or something. If you have some of those qualities you don't really need to be a winner in the classical sense
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 03:13 PM
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Haha I am actually the opposite, i went to a mood disorder group about 5 times, this was many years ago, and i was convinced I was more depressed than almost anyone there.
I mean maybe there were 1 or 2 people who were in even worse situations, but I look depressed even when i am happy, so I felt like people were avoiding me due to creepiness and being in worse depths of depression than they were
I'm a natural when it comes to social anxiety. I was in group therapy for SA and one of the therapists told me that my social anxiety was much worse than everyone else's in the group. She actually told me that.

... Hold on, let me check my calendar. Nope, nothing planned for the rest of the year.
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 03:20 PM
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As far as the living at home later in life thing goes, I would not be too surprised if that becomes more the norm in the not too distant future. Life is getting too expensive and awesome jobs to pay for it are getting more scarce, IMO.

Honestly, it doesn't make too much sense to go out of your way to spend more money than you have to in order to exist. As long as you are paying bills and saving money for the future, you're doing everything you need to do.

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 04:04 PM
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I joined a depression support group and everybody was more depressed than I was. I can't even be good at being depressed.
That's a good one mate.

I used to go to this bipolar one for a while. Some of them weren't actually bipolar - I think they had mood disorders or something.

Anyway if I actually start telling them any of the things I did when I was really manic they tend to just look at me with their mouths open. One lady just said something like: didn't it occur to you that you might be bipolar after you were convicted? (for theft)

It didn't actually.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 04:09 PM
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I'm a natural when it comes to social anxiety. I was in group therapy for SA and one of the therapists told me that my social anxiety was much worse than everyone else's in the group. She actually told me that.
That would be upsetting - hope she told you that in private too.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 04:38 PM
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I'm a natural when it comes to social anxiety. I was in group therapy for SA and one of the therapists told me that my social anxiety was much worse than everyone else's in the group. She actually told me that.
I dunno, I have not gone in maybe 10 years, i think i went to a total of 5 mood disorder groups. When i went it was a lot of old people, and some who seemed to have been going every week for like decades. It is pretty tough to find any groups like that in existence even in New York City where i am. I don't know if people are afraid to go and confront their problems or if there are so few people out there with problems. I don't even think a social anxiety group exists in NY. My main problem is that even in a place like that with people with issues, I still can't blend in or make any connections with people. It is ironic that I feel so completely out of place even in a support group that has all these other screwed up people who supposedly should be able to relate to you
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