I feel like a child trapped in an adults body - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 06:20 PM
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I believe you are all right in the case of me understand my situation however it means one thing to understand and another to accept it. I am going to try an the groupmeet. I think I miss talking to people that like the same things I do. Living in a house to doctors and accountants is not exactly my idea of fun nor does it make me feel very safe.

As for anything happening to me at age 10, yes. When I was in 6th grade I got bullied very very badly. Two girls spit on me and hit me. They were just playing around but it shook me up pretty bad. Then when they got punished by the school everyone in my class shunned me and called me a tattle tail. For the whole year no one spoke or even would sit by me. It really did a number on my head. After that I did not trust anyone. I ended up staying at that school for 13 years K-12 and those years I think are years I am trying very hard to get back.
Traumatic experiences can cause you to regress as a defense mechanism.

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post #42 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 06:44 PM
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I don't know if I would've considered myself "precocious," but I was always a goody-two-shoes who tried hard not to get in trouble, and to obey rules and authority (so I didn't speak to teachers like an equal, but I believed in following rules), and my interests have always been rather arcane and different from what most people my age are/were into. (Other eleven-year-old girls were pretending to be horses...I was pretending I was someone out of Egyptian mythology. )
Haha. That's funny, because I when was around 11 my family took me on holiday to France, and for a lot of that holiday I was pretending I was in the 16th century during the wars between Catholics and Huguenots. I'd just learned the word "heretic", and was saying it as often as possible (which really got on everyone's nerves.) So I definitely understand having er... different interests to other people your age.

But I still related to other kids quite well at that age. It was during my early teens that I diverged a lot from everyone else.

For example, when I talked about my friend growing up and chasing girls, I did become interested in girls too. But I had these childish crushes on people, like "oh isn't she perfect", and I was mostly happy with the people staying in my imagination rather than being a real person. And the few times I did manage to talk to somebody I liked, it was absolutely disastrous. I haven't thought about this for ages, but I tried to make conversation with a girl I had a crush on by lecturing her on the behaviour of ants, which included telling her all the latin names that I'd learned. I was in my "ant phase" at the time. And I also remember telling her how I thought it was really interesting that the word "mead" meant a type of alcoholic drink made by monks, and also was an old word for a meadow. I mean, what on earth possessed me to talk about that? God, it's so embarassing thinking about it!

But that is what I mean about being precocious as a child, and seeming more grown up, but the same qualities making me not fit in at all as everyone got older.
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post #43 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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tennislover84 if you were a boy in my class and had a crush on me and talked to me about ants I would have jumped right in. I recall one time being with all these girls int he woods for my senior trip and we came across a black rat snake. They all freaked out except for me who pointed to it and said, "Calm down guys and stop running around because it is spring and his mate is most likely near by. Also he is just a common rat snake, nothing to worry about." You would have thought I was an alien. They all looked at me like I was insane and kept running. That was my snake phase. xD

However, when I was in high school I would get so nervous, since I did not know what to talk about so many times I would just talk about school or science or animals. It was really sad how bad I was and I have come such a long way since that time.

Oh and thanks krogan6590 I try to reason things out as best as I can. I can actually get obsessive at times trying to understand my SA.

Also guys this is wonderful. I am so honored to hear you stories and meet people that have this same problem.
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post #44 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 10:23 PM
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I feel like a teenager stuck in a mid 30's body. I do not drink or smoke, don't want kids, not married, don't party...would rather stay at home watching DVDs than go to a club shame no one my age likes that either, still have crushes on actors and bands. I feel like a freak. I have over heard Mum tell others I may have autism or something. I probably do

You deserve a medal or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody
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post #45 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 10:36 PM
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Really? I can't tell you what that means to hear that. I am honestly in tears. Everyday is so hard, since I am trying to hide this from people. It is making me so tired that I can hardly wake up in the morning.
I had a friend who had the exact same issue as you. she told me she would isolate herself from people because she hates people (can't argue with that logic) so she found comfort in working with children. Last I heard of her she was working in a day care, had twins and became happy.
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post #46 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 05:09 AM Thread Starter
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You know when I hear about how someone was like me and made a life for themselves it really does give me hope. However even though I love working with children they don't really give me enough. How do I say this... I love to talk about history and politics and just life in general. Kids have not experienced much so it is hard to have that kind of relationship with them. However, I have not thrown out the idea of working with kids, it is just on the back burner.^^

I want to say this before I rush off to do my hair. xDD For years I thought I would be alone and when my parents left this world it would be all over and most likely I would die with them. Yet, now I have such a new since of hope in my life from this board. Honestly I feel like crying because I can't thank you guys enough for sharing your stories and please if you want to keep talking please keep this board going. I am so honored to be let in to all of your lives like this.
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post #47 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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I could not agree with you more. Today instead of sleeping till 12 I work up did my hair and went to breakfast with my sister. We had a great talk and plan on keeping in touch while she is in Texas, something that is hard for me to do with anyone.

However, I did go to Target with my Mom and spent an hour in the toy section. I counted all the things I wanted or could at least imagine myself buying and came up with 7. Which is a good step since most of the time I want around 20 or more.

Oh I am also applying for a job working as an art teachers aid at this little place that does art with kids, so wish my luck.^^ I really would love to have a full time position there.

Also I am completely here for you. Together we will keep each other on track and together I know we can do this.
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post #48 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 11:57 AM
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You know when I hear about how someone was like me and made a life for themselves it really does give me hope. However even though I love working with children they don't really give me enough. How do I say this... I love to talk about history and politics and just life in general. Kids have not experienced much so it is hard to have that kind of relationship with them. However, I have not thrown out the idea of working with kids, it is just on the back burner.^^

I want to say this before I rush off to do my hair. xDD For years I thought I would be alone and when my parents left this world it would be all over and most likely I would die with them. Yet, now I have such a new since of hope in my life from this board. Honestly I feel like crying because I can't thank you guys enough for sharing your stories and please if you want to keep talking please keep this board going. I am so honored to be let in to all of your lives like this.
Just be yourself we all act childish sometimes and we all do things that would make others question our maturity level but you know what f those people. Just be you if some other people don't like it then that's their problem. Since you like working with kids have you ever thought of becoming a kindergarten or preschool teacher?
And nice meeting you too it takes courage to talk about personal things but you know if you ever need to vent feel free to talk about it, it's better to talk about things than to just let it build up.
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post #49 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 12:41 PM
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I can relate to a lot of this. I function in the adult world in terms of getting around and employment, but some of my interests, preferences and even my worldview have seriously naive elements to them.

Here's how I see it, though. A lot of what it means to be "adult" in our culture can be boiled down to pure conformity, which isn't necessarily good. To put it another way, I feel like a lot of people I know who seem completely normal and "adult" are actively striving to fit in and conform to expectations; it's not necessarily that they're inherently normal where you and I aren't. Some of our so-called childish tendencies are manifestations of a willingness to question the norms and live outside them where we see fit.

So in a philosophical sense, I think the childish tendencies you describe (many of which I share) are a good thing. Unfortunately, that's of little comfort in the real world where we're torn to shreds for trying to swim upstream. I have little advice to offer on that front, because the only thing I've learned by living on my terms over the years has been how to become a bitter misanthrope.

EDIT: I'm also really small for a grown man, too, and people often mistake me for a teenager. It's very fascinating to note that there could somehow be a correlation there with how we act and think, cause I've noticed it myself, too.
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post #50 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 12:41 PM
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Think about it, experiences are what you need to grow up. So if you feel like staying the same, wouldn't that make you 10 forever? even if you turn 30, 40, 50 .. ? And from where i am, i can tell you 1 thing that it's much easier in your 20s to try to get out, connect with people.
I agree with the experience part. It's one reason for why I can't do some of the things that half of these 20 year olds can do. It's even worse when society expects you to know how to do the simplest things at a young age. I've dealt with [email protected]@rds giving me a hard time or attitude for not being familiar with things. I hate people sometimes...

@OP: I'm part of the short club too..I'm 5'1. When I was 14, I had intentions to collect these types of dolls..and was constantly insulted by my sister for being too old to do that. She is 3 years younger than me. I even got insulted by her for when I used to watch Cartoon Network (when it was good) a lot at the time when I was 15-16..Despite doing these things, I admit that my maturity and seriousness level at life has always been higher than people in my age these days and in the past though. I surely admit that I am definitely more responsible then the average person my age who loves to goof around..despite being a nervous wreck all the time. Like you, I click with kids better too. I guess it's because they're less judgmental and are less prone of knowing society's typical standards at that age..
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post #51 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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That is a good way of looking at it. I will try to keep that in mind. Also for the most part I have been using this board as my sounding board to get my thoughts out as well as get advice from others.

As for being a teacher I am sort of not sure. It turns out at the place I volunteer one of the volunteers, a guy, got the open job there. I have been asking for a month now if there were any openings but I have heard nothing, so I honestly am pretty annoyed. I always feel like people are using me. I don't know maybe I should make a board about this one and see what people say. xDD
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post #52 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 02:50 PM
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I feel like a teenager stuck in a mid 30's body. I do not drink or smoke, don't want kids, not married, don't party...would rather stay at home watching DVDs than go to a club shame no one my age likes that either, still have crushes on actors and bands.
Same! (Except instead of DVDs I read, and instead of getting crushes on actors and bands, I get crushes on fictional characters. )

I'm also in the "short club"...five feet tall.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

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(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

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post #53 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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instead of getting crushes on actors and bands, I get crushes on fictional characters. )
Me too. Sometimes when I watch anime I get crushes on the guys. It is crazy that they have more of a pull on me that an actual guy, but that could be because I have never had one.


OMG I have one heck of an amazing update. So I called the temp agency back and turns out I have an interview on Wednesday to try for a job as a receptionist. Then right when I got off the phone it rang again because the art place I put an application in for today wants to interview me on Sunday. I am so excited. I honestly can't believe this. Oh and tomorrow I am forcing myself to practice parallel parking so I can try and get my license either next week or the week after.
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post #54 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 03:06 PM
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Hmm, well I don't fit this one because I'm reasonably tall. About 6 feet and three quarters. But I always felt that being taller drew attention to me, because I shot up a lot faster than everyone else through all stages of school. I know I'm not really tall or anything, but the experience of sticking out at a young age stays with you. I've struggled to shake off the urge to hunch my shoulders since my teenage years, and I can revert to that behaviour in times of stress, although mostly I have it under control now. A girl at my school gave me the name "hunchback", which really, really hurt.

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I could not agree with you more. Today instead of sleeping till 12 I work up did my hair and went to breakfast with my sister. We had a great talk and plan on keeping in touch while she is in Texas, something that is hard for me to do with anyone.
Well done!

I managed to do a bit more than usual today too. I went to the post office and posted some things (which I'd been avoiding doing.) And I even noticed that it didn't seem quite as scary as it used to. It did help that they were about to shut, and I was the only person there, lol.

Edit: wow actinia, good luck with the job interviews. I hope you get the job as the teaching assistant, if that's what you want to do.
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post #55 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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I was never called hunched back but I always looked down at the ground. I was called "scaredy cat" a good bit and other random names. My peers also commented on how I could never look them in the eyes. One time a girl grabbed my face and forced me to look at her and I almost started crying.

Thanks. Honestly either job is fine with me. I just need to get out of the house and start making some money.
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post #56 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 03:35 PM
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I feel 16 at 29.. I still play video games a lot . I have no kids or wife (most people my age DO) I still like the go to clubs and party hard, problem with that is I have no friends who do that anymore I got my drivers 2 years ago at 27, most get theirs at 16- 17. So I mature VERY slowly. I don't want kids because of the responsibility . The only mature things I do is work, drive, and pay taxes. Also I'm physically small too I'm just an inch taller than you.
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post #57 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 03:45 PM
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OMG I have one heck of an amazing update. So I called the temp agency back and turns out I have an interview on Wednesday to try for a job as a receptionist. Then right when I got off the phone it rang again because the art place I put an application in for today wants to interview me on Sunday. I am so excited. I honestly can't believe this. Oh and tomorrow I am forcing myself to practice parallel parking so I can try and get my license either next week or the week after.
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I managed to do a bit more than usual today too. I went to the post office and posted some things (which I'd been avoiding doing.) And I even noticed that it didn't seem quite as scary as it used to. It did help that they were about to shut, and I was the only person there, lol.

Great work all around.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #58 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Awe thank you. It really is just one step at a time. Oh, I also have been meaning to ask
tehuti88 do you have a deviant account or a place to show case your art and stories. I would very much love to read and see them if that is ok. Most of mine are on neopets so if you ever want to see them I can think you. I do have a deviantart account but it is really out of date. I plan on making a new one soon.
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post #59 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:10 PM
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I'm 22 and still feel like i'm 15, I never really grew up in my head when I look at myself in the mirror i dont see a 22 year old man I see a scared nervous 15 year old kid and I don't know what to do to get out of this mindset, I'll be moving out to be on my own next month so I'm hoping that this will help
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post #60 of 115 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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The fact that you are moving out is a BIG deal. I can't do that just yet but hope that by the end of the year I am in the process of getting to that level. I am so impressed and please keep us up to date on how that experience helps you take that giant step into adulthood.^^
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