I don't want to do anything anymore - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-13-2009, 11:41 PM
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The homeless in PDX are normally very nice, unless they're tweekers. If you can find one that will talk to you and won't also try to stab you they're great to talk to.

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This often helps me, too.

No matter my intention, it seems I have a finite capacity for being around people - I mean, I'll have days and days where I manage to go to work, and at a certain point...I just need to stop. It makes me wonder what would happen if I never took "mental health days".

I think if I were to entirely withdraw from society, however, I'd most miss those odd, unexpected encounters: for example, I was out walking later at night (I live in a large-ish city), and some homeless guy started talking to me. I was beyond nervous, and not at all eager to talk to someone who could easily hurt me very badly, but it ended up being interesting and surprisingly comfortable (relative to my other social interactions). We walked together for several blocks while he was telling me about his circumstances. I learned about the life of another human being, in a very unconventional way. In a way, I guess, I sort of live for that kind of thing: rare, unvarnished, unexpected, beautiful connection with another human being.

At the same time, on most days, I just want to say "**** it" and retreat to my efficiency nest with books and films and music and Internet connection and knitting paraphernalia, and never talk to anyone except my dearest friend/sweetheart.
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post #22 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 12:17 AM
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i'm trying not to lay down anymore.
You don't sleep?
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post #23 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 12:21 AM
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I quit my job 3 months ago because i was so sick of the people. I still don't miss em. But there's this growing sense of guilt after all this time spent doing nothing
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post #24 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 12:49 AM
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You don't sleep?
well, not lay down when there's something else i could be doing...

it makes the blankie time so much more enjoyable
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post #25 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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I had no idea how many of you guys had these same feelings. Figured I was just being lazy, Negative thoughts, Just SA again I suppose.

I don't fear rejection, I expect it.
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post #26 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by rantan View Post
The homeless in PDX are normally very nice, unless they're tweekers. If you can find one that will talk to you and won't also try to stab you they're great to talk to.
This is very true of the homeless folks in my city, also. However...a couple of weeks ago, there was a drunken guy on the sidewalk (in daylight). (He seemed homeless, though I can't be certain of course.) I helped him up, but then he started to say some very gross things, and grabbed at my arm pulling me towards him. He was quite strong. I was so glad that it was light outside, and also that he didn't stab me or worse. I guess the best advice is to avoid tweekers and drunks.

I hope that you continue to get sleep, but not lay down when there's something else you could be doing. It's a nice way of putting it - and very true, blankie time is so much more enjoyable/rewarding if you've been doing things all day.

I had no time to Hate -
Because
The Grave would hinder Me -
And Life was not so
Ample I
Could finish - Enmity -

Nor had I time to Love -
But since
Some Industry must be -
The little Toil of Love -
I thought -
Be large enough for Me -

-- Emily Dickinson
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post #27 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 07:47 PM
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I was homeless for a number of years, mostly really depressed and withdrawn. I lived in homeless shelters and moved around some. My ex-wife tried hard to help me, although I wouldn’t go back to her because we fought about how I was all the time. I couldn’t find energy or enthusiasm in life with her any more than for myself and left her three times in all. She kept trying to bring me back and I kept leaving.
Being homeless was if nothing else freedom form the fear because it is giving up all pride and prejudice. Homelessness is survival on the streets and nothing more. Mostly all you have to know is who to stay away from, and stay out of trouble with the police. Shelters and food kitchens will keep you alive. People avoid you and don’t even try to make you feel less than normal because they all ready know that you know you are not up to their social status.
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post #28 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 08:08 PM
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Quote:
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I was homeless for a number of years, mostly really depressed and withdrawn. I lived in homeless shelters and moved around some. My ex-wife tried hard to help me, although I wouldnít go back to her because we fought about how I was all the time. I couldnít find energy or enthusiasm in life with her any more than for myself and left her three times in all. She kept trying to bring me back and I kept leaving.
Being homeless was if nothing else freedom form the fear because it is giving up all pride and prejudice. Homelessness is survival on the streets and nothing more. Mostly all you have to know is who to stay away from, and stay out of trouble with the police. Shelters and food kitchens will keep you alive. People avoid you and donít even try to make you feel less than normal because they all ready know that you know you are not up to their social status.
I feel terrible if I offended you in any way for what I said. (I also feel terrible for starting up a sort of thread-within-a-thread, and apologise for that.)

My sense of humanity is that I like to connect with people who feel marginalised, because I feel marginalised. I think there's something beautiful about sharing with someone the essential loneliness and alone-ness that is being human, and few people seem to understand that as well as the homeless. I've never been homeless myself, though I often find myself in situations precarious enough that I fear it.

If I was trying to make any point at all, it's that something that keeps me going, and keeps me from hiding, is the knowledge that there are other people who feel so godawful and alone and like **** -- and I want to know them, and care for them, and share with them, even if it scares the ****ing **** out of me. That is what keeps me from curling into a ball and hiding in my apartment.

I am glad that you've survived your experience on the streets. Thank you for sharing your story, and again, I'm so so so sorry if I caused any offence, at all.

I had no time to Hate -
Because
The Grave would hinder Me -
And Life was not so
Ample I
Could finish - Enmity -

Nor had I time to Love -
But since
Some Industry must be -
The little Toil of Love -
I thought -
Be large enough for Me -

-- Emily Dickinson
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post #29 of 215 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 08:28 PM
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I'm always on my computer, the internet is honestly like my life. All I want is my PC, food, water, and a toliet, and everything else in life can go to hell.
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post #30 of 215 (permalink) Old 12-18-2009, 08:43 AM
 
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Same here. But I do care about other thing. I wanna achieve many things, but this f*[email protected] fear won`t give me a break. Every time I`m close to other people I can`t find peace. Especially at home. I live in dorm and feel a headache all the time... Logically I understand that there is nothing to fear, but... soul ain`t get it. Also, I`m very sensitive to what people think of me and especially of my interests. It seems I always want to please everybody, it`s a subconcious feeling. Consciously I hated everybody around me until recently. Somehow I managed to be more neutral to things that are "not right" in others... Anyway I must find a way to end this crap inside my head, cause life is short, I ain`t have much time left... <GRRRRRRRR......>
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post #31 of 215 (permalink) Old 12-18-2009, 10:28 AM
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If I gave up on life, I would be unhappy. If I went out into the world and tried to live a normal life, I'd probably still be unhappy but at least I'd be trying. I might as well go with the latter and try. You should too but I know how hard it is to get out there. Good luck to anyone who feels hopeless
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post #32 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 06:15 AM
 
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God, all these years I thought it was just me.
How could anybody else feel this way?
When I read "I don't fear rejection, I expect it." BULLS-EYE!
To me, being alone is solitude, and peace.
Being with people is lonely.
I think to be ignored, must be the ultimate loneliness.
In an episode of The New Twilight Zone entitled "To see the invisible man" the ultimate punishment presrcibed by law, was to ingore someone for months or years at a time. Ouch! that one really hit home.
I cried.

Last edited by 123456789; 01-12-2010 at 06:17 AM. Reason: .
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post #33 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 06:28 AM
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A couple of years ago I began to develop depression and I had never had any goals even when I was somewhat ďnormalĒ so there was nothing at all to motivate me. Eventually I was out of school, waiting to take the GED, jobless, and living at home (still am to all of that) so I just slept whenever I felt like it. I kept a sheet over my window which already had blinds so that it would be darker. The only thing productive I did was some chores. The rest of the time I just randomly played on the computer and watched DVDs, not even having anything I ďwantedĒ to do from the things I supposedly liked to do.

Iím a bit better now. Normal sleeping, light in my room, some wants. But, I miss the hiding from the world. It felt safe. And I canít picture that Iíll ever be truly happy living a normal life with people every day.

So, yeah, doing all these social exercises and aspiring to go out in the world feels kind of pointless when itís not what I really want and Iím just doing it out of a tiny hope that someday my personality will change and Iíll enjoy people.
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post #34 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 06:40 AM
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I never want anything enough to go through with it. I'm not passionate about anything anymore.
Living feels like a chore to me.

"Let us go. Let us leave this festering hellhole. Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable.
Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all."


ó Dirk Gentlyís Holistic Detective Agency, Douglas Adams
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post #35 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 10:05 AM
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Seriously, I want to quit my job, stop my education, stop training for my career, stop going out, and just lay down and drift of into my own little world, because I'm so sick of this world and the people in it. I just want to quit... everything. I want to hide under the covers in my bed, lock the doors and close the windows, I hate people and I don't want anything to do with them anymore.
I don't recommend it if you can help it. It's what I've done (more or less), and believe me, it will lead to profound unhappiness... unless you are a true loner, a true misanthrope, which I am not.

There is a definite appeal to it, because you get to avoid all those things you hate and the things that cause you anxiety, but in the long run it has only taken all the fun out of my life, killed my motivation, stripped me of meaning, purpose and direction, and made it that much more difficult to even begin to reintegrate into society.
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post #36 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 11:30 AM
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This is exactly why I want to go live in the woods.
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post #37 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-12-2010, 12:28 PM
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I feel like this all the time. I want to close my eyes and drift away to a better world.
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post #38 of 215 (permalink) Old 01-13-2010, 01:05 AM
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I'm always on my computer, the internet is honestly like my life. All I want is my PC, food, water, and a toliet, and everything else in life can go to hell.
Although that's kind of my lifestyle, I can't say I'd like to do just that. Every day I hop on the treadmill to try and keep my weight down, add a bit of variety and give me some much needed muscle-warming. When I get bored of using the computer, I'll fetch my ball and toss it around until I'm too tired to do anything but lie down, but I like it, I hate being inactive, I'd feel as if I'm stagnating otherwise. To be honest, I really don't see anything else I would actually like to do... It's more a matter of not having anything else I'd want to do than not wanting to do anything else.
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post #39 of 215 (permalink) Old 04-28-2010, 11:33 AM
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I think I know what you mean by having a normal conversation with people. The majority of us have jobs that we completely and utterly despise and I think that the main reason is having to deal with people that are either *****holes or dumb as a rock. I think that if there was a job where you could speak to people normally with no formality that life just wouldn't suck as bad.
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post #40 of 215 (permalink) Old 04-28-2010, 12:42 PM
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Seriously, I want to quit my job, stop my education, stop training for my career, stop going out, and just lay down and drift of into my own little world, because I'm so sick of this world and the people in it. I just want to quit... everything. I want to hide under the covers in my bed, lock the doors and close the windows, I hate people and I don't want anything to do with them anymore.
I can relate to this. I really don't even feel like leaving my apartment most days. But, I do it's a combination of not wanting to be around people and anxiety. Most people just aren't friendly anymore. The majority of people are out for number one. Usually when someone is friendly I know that they want something from me. It hard for me to trust most people.
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