I don't know what to do anymore - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know what to do anymore


This may sound stupid to others, but I just don't know what to do anymore.
I live very isolated and going out of the house makes me depressed and stressed out.
I don't know what my goals are I think I don't have any. Until now I always kept myself going with the hope of a better future. But now I'm almost mid-twenty. I see I can't go on like this.
All the basic life needs like having a education/job/house can't motivate me to go on. I just can't go on like this anymore. I think I need friends now, I need happiness now because I have no motivation left for anything anymore.
Even if I would be homeless I would just go sit on the ground waiting to dead.

I need something to live for. I have no energy left to "just go on". That's why I just work part time and beside that do nothing.

I want to get out of this current life. I'm so weak and hopeless I can't socialize our try it.
I want a friend but how am I going to get one when I'm so weak right now. I can't stand the judgement and the humiliation which I would receive when I try to be more social.
Also I am very ashamed of my lack of experience in social and love life. I mean If you are "behind the rest" until you're 20 you're probably just perceived as late. But I'm 24 I feel pathetic and other people would probably think there must be something wrong with me, which is true of course.
I don't feel that depressed right now, its more exhausted and lonely.

So what can I do ?, please don't give me long term goals our ideas. I have no energy for that.
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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 02:55 PM
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When was the last time you felt better than this. And what did you used to enjoy doing?
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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When was the last time you felt better than this. And what did you used to enjoy doing?
Well better then this, is when I had one friend. We never did that much, just watch a movie our go out a couple of times. It was at least better then I am now.
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:07 PM
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Where did your friend go?

I know how you feel about having got to the point that you feel so weak that one more failure will break you. How can you try when you arent even strong enough to take it if you fail again. I was at that stage not long ago.

The way I am pulling myself out of it is through exercise. It gives me something to focus on and its refreshing to challenge myself a little at a time. I haven't even begun to think about challengnig my SA yet, I need to get strong first.

You have to find something that gives you hope and faith in yourself to acheive something. It hard and takes forever but is possible
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Where did your friend go?

I know how you feel about having got to the point that you feel so weak that one more failure will break you. How can you try when you arent even strong enough to take it if you fail again. I was at that stage not long ago.

The way I am pulling myself out of it is through exercise. It gives me something to focus on and its refreshing to challenge myself a little at a time. I haven't even begun to think about challengnig my SA yet, I need to get strong first.

You have to find something that gives you hope and faith in yourself to acheive something. It hard and takes forever but is possible
About that friend I wont go into details, But we weren't real friends we just knew each other because..just because.
Where do you exercise? I would just make myself more depressed if I would go to a gym.

I would like to heal first before I face the world again, if that makes sense.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:15 PM
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About that friend I wont go into details, But we weren't real friends we just knew each other because..just because.
Where do you exercise? I would just make myself more depressed if I would go to a gym.

I would like to heal first before I face the world again, if that makes sense.
How about you just jog outside your house and wave hi to cars passing by until you gain more confident?
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:17 PM
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About that friend I wont go into details, But we weren't real friends we just knew each other because..just because.
Where do you exercise? I would just make myself more depressed if I would go to a gym.

I would like to heal first before I face the world again, if that makes sense.
I exercise at home on my own. I like it that way so that I can focus on getting stronger, I would hate the gym too. Too many people who are already ridiculously fit.

Its weird, when I'm working out, it feels like I'm working out my mind too, because you have to be strong minded to push yourself when your muscles start to burn a little etc. And its given me a little more energy, I'm slowly starting to perk up a little interest in life again.

If you could find something that you can focus on and acheive bit by bit, I'm sure the same would happen for you too. It doesn't have to involve going out and all that stuff. I feel the same as you, I'd rather work on myself a bit before I face the world.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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How about you just jog outside your house and wave hi to cars passing by until you gain more confident?
That isn't make me more confident.
I feel like my personality is not fully developed when I was in puberty. I still have no clue who I am our what I like our how I should behave.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:23 PM
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That isn't make me more confident.
I feel like my personality is not fully developed when I was in puberty. I still have no clue who I am our what I like our how I should behave.

You sound so much like me! I thought I was the only person who said things like that. I used to say that all the time, that I forgot who I was or that I didn't know because I never had a chance to develop. Thats so weird
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:31 PM
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You do have a personality. I found it was motivating to develop/discover bits you feel you have lost/forgotten/were never there. Like kind of re-creating yourself however you like.


.
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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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You sound so much like me! I thought I was the only person who said things like that. I used to say that all the time, that I forgot who I was or that I didn't know because I never had a chance to develop. Thats so weird
Than you know how difficult this life is. Its like there is no "drive" for me to do anything our to become anything.
If I talk to people I talk in a sense of kindness. It's different from saying what you think is best to say Its more like everything I say is to "protect" myself I don't do this that conciously but it is automatic. It's like there is a "fake" personality in my that has actually nothing to do with me.
My real desires are burried deep down, I can't find them anymore.
Only when I binge eat on sugar our take large amounts of caffeine suddenly I experience some desires that come to surface.

I feel like this is not my life. Me myself I very different. But around puberty I just completly shut down, and after that my life became worse and worser.
The weird thing is, in the past I worried about people finding ME out, whatever that was.
Now its like I worry about people finding me out but I can't back up the "me"because its fake and I can't give good reasons why I behave our do things because It actually is just a cover up for something else, that I lost.
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 04:06 PM
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Than you know how difficult this life is. Its like there is no "drive" for me to do anything our to become anything.
If I talk to people I talk in a sense of kindness. It's different from saying what you think is best to say Its more like everything I say is to "protect" myself I don't do this that conciously but it is automatic. It's like there is a "fake" personality in my that has actually nothing to do with me.
My real desires are burried deep down, I can't find them anymore.
Only when I binge eat on sugar our take large amounts of caffeine suddenly I experience some desires that come to surface.

I feel like this is not my life. Me myself I very different. But around puberty I just completly shut down, and after that my life became worse and worser.
The weird thing is, in the past I worried about people finding ME out, whatever that was.
Now its like I worry about people finding me out but I can't back up the "me"because its fake and I can't give good reasons why I behave our do things because It actually is just a cover up for something else, that I lost.
This is so weird. I do the same stuff. I didn't know what I wanted either. I often still wake up and think oh god this is not my life. Like I got the wrong one or something doesnt fit somehow. This is not how I imagined my life would be, I'm sure. Except I cant remember ever wondering or planning how my life would be in the first place...

Mines related to things that happened when I was young and growing up. Did anything significant happen in your life or did it just happen for no reason when you hit puberty?
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 04:23 PM Thread Starter
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This is so weird. I do the same stuff. I didn't know what I wanted either. I often still wake up and think oh god this is not my life. Like I got the wrong one or something doesnt fit somehow. This is not how I imagined my life would be, I'm sure. Except I cant remember ever wondering or planning how my life would be in the first place...

Mines related to things that happened when I was young and growing up. Did anything significant happen in your life or did it just happen for no reason when you hit puberty?
No there's nothing happened when I was younger. But I was just very shy when was little. So shy that all adults around me notices it and reported it to my parents.
Every teacher talked about my shyness with my parents. Later I started talking more so it looked like I was coming out of it. But actually that never happened but no one knows that.

I see it like this, I was born very sensitive and shy, thats why I couldn't handle the sociality of other people. And the judgement about my sensitive personality at that time. I think that's why I begin to lock down. To protect myself from further hurt.
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 05:14 PM
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No there's nothing happened when I was younger. But I was just very shy when was little. So shy that all adults around me notices it and reported it to my parents.
Every teacher talked about my shyness with my parents. Later I started talking more so it looked like I was coming out of it. But actually that never happened but no one knows that.

I see it like this, I was born very sensitive and shy, thats why I couldn't handle the sociality of other people. And the judgement about my sensitive personality at that time. I think that's why I begin to lock down. To protect myself from further hurt.
I used to feel this way. But you're not protecting yourself. Your hurting yourself right now. If you get close to other people there will be times you'll get hurt, but also times that you'll feel a million times better than you do right now. Wouldn't you prefer some hurt over constant hurt?
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 05:16 PM
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I can relate to almost everything that has been said in this thread. Even the age (i will be 24 next month) is similar! I think this is the time we need to choose our path for our future. Either we get comfortable with our SA and try to adjust our lives accordingly (which is basicly live in isolation and without social contact) or do our best to fight it and dont give up, because it is about time we do something about it.

This feeling of "not knowing" myself is very familiar. I was mostly "ok" in my teen years, it started to get really bad around my 16/17s. When i look in the mirror, sometimes i see the person i would be, if i didnt suffer from SA. It is like "that person" still lives deep inside me and it is basicly only thing that keeps me alive. But when i realise who i actually am, it is like a worst nightmare.. I keep asking myself "How the hell it went from there to this?"....

It is still not too late. I plan to start excersise this summer too, i like the idea of getting physically strong before the mental fight.
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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 05:55 PM
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When I was 25 I was in college and essentially locked myself in my studio apartment and only went out for a run, some food, and alcohol. I never met a soul in that one year. Running gave me the energy to avoid self destruction. If you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, go out and push yourself to do something physical. Endorphins can be a lot of help. No long term goals. Just pick one form of physical exertion--dancing, running, hopping, tumbling, hiking etc. Work up a good sweat. You won't think you can do it but you can. PUSH!

...you gotta keep the goal in mind, develop tunnel vision to a certain extent. it's hard, and it's not for everyone.

~bad baby

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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-23-2011, 06:45 PM
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Do you feel strong emotions ever?

I just ask because I'm pretty similar to you and the reason I have no motivation is because I don't really get that pleasure as a reward from doing anything. Its called anhedonia. I think its caused by dysthimia, depression, schizophrenia, schizoid personality.

I think that I have a schizoid personality (not schizoid personality disorder which is very rare), which is part of why I don't do many things. It helped me to research this and understand the conflicting emotions that I have which make me both need human company and acceptance and at the same time push everyone away and maintain a huge social distance between myself and people in general. This site looks kinda bad, but when I read what it says I identified strongly with it: http://www.schizoids.info/index.html

You could look into mindfulness or some philosophy (Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra is like the schizoid bible for me) to work on your self acceptance.

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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-24-2011, 04:57 AM Thread Starter
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I used to feel this way. But you're not protecting yourself. Your hurting yourself right now. If you get close to other people there will be times you'll get hurt, but also times that you'll feel a million times better than you do right now. Wouldn't you prefer some hurt over constant hurt?
I can't remember I experienced a real connection with anyone. But theoretically it must be better to not be alone all the time.
Also, even when I am with other people, from the inside I'm still the same, I'm still closed. But still I want to be close with other people, but I don't see how that's possible right now.

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Originally Posted by leave me alone View Post
I can relate to almost everything that has been said in this thread. Even the age (i will be 24 next month) is similar! I think this is the time we need to choose our path for our future. Either we get comfortable with our SA and try to adjust our lives accordingly (which is basicly live in isolation and without social contact) or do our best to fight it and dont give up, because it is about time we do something about it.

This feeling of "not knowing" myself is very familiar. I was mostly "ok" in my teen years, it started to get really bad around my 16/17s. When i look in the mirror, sometimes i see the person i would be, if i didnt suffer from SA. It is like "that person" still lives deep inside me and it is basicly only thing that keeps me alive. But when i realise who i actually am, it is like a worst nightmare.. I keep asking myself "How the hell it went from there to this?"....

It is still not too late. I plan to start excersise this summer too, i like the idea of getting physically strong before the mental fight.
I hope its not all to late, because I feel that it is. Everyone is moving on and I'm stuck at the basis social skills level. I have to have a plan a plan that gives guaranteed results.
I also have glimps of what I think can be my true personality but I don't know if thats really me our some kind of unrealistic high hope version of me.
Because in my "dreams" I'm very different.

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this is really weird.. this is exactly how i've been feeling lately.
Are you close with your family? I don't have friends either but one thing that keeps me going is my family. Also i agree with exercise. It does boost your mood and give you something to work towards being more fit and healthy. hang in there. Where are you from? just curious, if you don't mind asking.
I live with my parents, Im actually just as closed to them as I am to everyone. I feel more comfortable around them and I discuss more with them. But I'm still not myself. I apear very empty to other people because the real me has never seen the surface.

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When I was 25 I was in college and essentially locked myself in my studio apartment and only went out for a run, some food, and alcohol. I never met a soul in that one year. Running gave me the energy to avoid self destruction. If you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, go out and push yourself to do something physical. Endorphins can be a lot of help. No long term goals. Just pick one form of physical exertion--dancing, running, hopping, tumbling, hiking etc. Work up a good sweat. You won't think you can do it but you can. PUSH!
It sounds good, but I think this is not working anymore. The problems is bigger than just do "positive stuff". Of course I will be at least feeling better then I am now. But the main problem of my lost personality is still there. I don't know how to fix it. I can't go on like this. My anxiety and shame fullness is keeping me the way I am.

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Originally Posted by andy1984 View Post
Do you feel strong emotions ever?

I just ask because I'm pretty similar to you and the reason I have no motivation is because I don't really get that pleasure as a reward from doing anything. Its called anhedonia. I think its caused by dysthimia, depression, schizophrenia, schizoid personality.

I think that I have a schizoid personality (not schizoid personality disorder which is very rare), which is part of why I don't do many things. It helped me to research this and understand the conflicting emotions that I have which make me both need human company and acceptance and at the same time push everyone away and maintain a huge social distance between myself and people in general. This site looks kinda bad, but when I read what it says I identified strongly with it: http://www.schizoids.info/index.html

You could look into mindfulness or some philosophy (Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra is like the schizoid bible for me) to work on your self acceptance.
No I don't feel strong emotions, I google'd about schizoid personality but I don't think it has something to do with me. Some symptoms are similar but not all.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-24-2011, 05:39 AM
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No there's nothing happened when I was younger. But I was just very shy when was little. So shy that all adults around me notices it and reported it to my parents.
Every teacher talked about my shyness with my parents. Later I started talking more so it looked like I was coming out of it. But actually that never happened but no one knows that.

I see it like this, I was born very sensitive and shy, thats why I couldn't handle the sociality of other people. And the judgement about my sensitive personality at that time. I think that's why I begin to lock down. To protect myself from further hurt.
I was a shy kid too, and adults CONSTANTLY re inforced it in front of me. 'oh she wont want to do that she's too shy' and 'dont you worry about her sometimes, she doesnt talk much' and stuff like that. And I dealt with it the same way as you, the same way I deal with everything, which is to block it out.

When my husband died, I felt evil because i wasn't that upset initially. It didnt even feel like it was happening to me at all.

People have told me before that I'm cold and distant. It's a way of dealing with pain and trauma.

Are you feeling any better today?
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-24-2011, 06:21 AM
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I used to cry all the time and say I didnt know who I was. When I was feeling really bad about it, everything seemed hopeless. I'm 24 too and I used to think it was too late.

The only strong emotions I felt were negative ones. And yet, when it came to the worst things that had ever happened to me, I was surprisingly calm and unbothered by it all. I think I had blocked it out.

Blocking it out does more harm than good.

I started to take a good long look at myself and my past, and tried to see it through someone elses eyes and pick out all the parts that I don't like. I'm very self critical in my head, so it was easy to see the parts I didn't like. I didn't like what I saw in myself at all. Some parts were new, like being bitter about recent events that had happened in my life. Some parts felt like they had been there since birth, like my shyness. And some parts were missing. Like, I had no opinion on a lot of stuff. You know people without SA, sometimes they are loud an opinionated? Well I realised that although I'll probably never be loud, I could have an opinion on stuff. So I read up on things and formed an opinion. That whole of getting to know myself was hard, because I didn't like a lot of what I discovered. And there was a lot of stuff missing.

But as you go along, its actually quite nice to rediscover/create parts of your personality. You do have deep desires and wants, but they're hidden. I started with just silly little things like what food do I like. What colour. Just to make myself realise I had individual wants and tastes. You have preferences. Thats part of your personality.

You also have to accept parts that you don't like, but that are definately there, like shyness etc. You can change them with work, but you have to accept them and see them for what they are first.

I had been feeling different to other people and detatched because I wasn't doing the things that they were doing. And then I realised, I don't want to do the things they are doing. Thats why I have no motivation to do it. I want to do the things that I want to do, and that just happens to be different to what most other people want. But you have to do what makes you happy, not anyone else.

I now believe that life is all about the journey. Its not about where you get to in the end, because in the end you die. Its about the way there. I believe we are born with certain traits, and develp others in childhood. But I think the rest of your life is about creating yourself. I just got started later than other people. People who were cocksure of themselves in their teens, perhaps they rushed it and created themselves too fast, or didn't stop and think about it at all, and just accept who they are without changing any parts of themselves. If thats the case then their personality is just a product of their genes and their upbringing, they had no conscious part in the creation of it. Hardly something that has had huge amounts of thought and effort put into it for a lot of people, unless they had amazing parents/upbringing and perfect genes. (Maybe thats why there are so many messed up people in the world.) Something made me stop and think who am i. So I have a chance to see clearly which parts of myself I dislike and to change them.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm trying to preach to you or something like that. I know how you feel about not having any long term goals and stuff, and when I realised this stuff about myself I didn't sit and plan anything long term either, it just kind of happened over the last year. This is the first time I've written it all out in any kind of order and looked at it, or even thought about the process much. Your situation just reminded me so much of mine. And I've just realised some more things about myself while I typed it. Like how much of an idiot I sound lol. But its all true, and I'm going to post it anyway because I was hoping it might help you in some way.
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