I do not want be seen anymore
Sorry for the wall of text but I have no one to talk to in my life right now.
I've never asked anyone for help in the past 3 years. Family members who STILL love me, friends who want me to come outside, and more recently people who I talk to online... all the people who care about me I have pushed away.
High school was great at first. Somehow I managed to balance socializing, girls, partying, video games, a part-time job and a respectable 3.0 + GPA for my first 2 years. Looking back at it now makes me realize how care-free and content I truly was. Around my Junior year of high school (I was 16 at the time) I got into trouble. A dumb night with friends, a terrible mistake put me in Juvenile hall for a night, probation for a year and a "do-not contact" order with my best friends. It has since snowballed from here, and I'm afraid of how much farther this will go.
After I was arrested I slowly became an introverted, nerdy degenerate with no social skills and a fear of being seen in public like I am right now. I started playing video games more often after I wasn't allowed to talk to my real life friends. I know right, what a shock? I reached out to people on the internet before reaching out for help from my family. This was the first mistake. I lied to my parents about attending school regularly. Weeks at a time I would stay home and play video games from sun up to sun down. Honestly, my entire senior year of high school feels like a complete blur of playing video games all day and showing up to class every now and then to make up some work. I became extremely depressed, stealing alcohol from my parents nightly, doing opiates immediately after my monthly drug tests, not leaving my room for days at a time. I had to quit my retail job towards the end of the year just so I could have the time to make up assignments to get my diploma. Somehow I managed to barely graduate with a 2.0 GPA for the year.
I didn't do a damn thing that summer. No job, no preparing for community college, nothing. I stayed inside for WEEKS at a time. I barely even saw my parents and we lived in the same house. The only thing I cared about in life and the only thing that made me happy was/is the internet.
I signed up for community college after that summer and I really REALLY tried to go. I showed up for a few weeks, but it didn't last very long. Why should I have to go to class when I have everything that I want in life right here in my own room? "Oh I'll go tomorrow" turned into "Oh I'll just show up next week" turned into "Yeah maybe next semester." A year has gone by and I am in the EXACT same position I was in last year. I just do not want to be seen by anyone.
Recently it feels like everything in my life has become exponentially worse. I don't even know where to begin. I have intense panic attacks at night where I can be exhausted and still unable to fall asleep for days at a time. Every other morning I will randomly vomit on my way to make a cup of coffee. I have a counselor but I even lie to her about everything that is going on and I have no idea why because she is there to HELP ME. Some days I wont eat anything either.
I have started to realize that I can't live in my room at my parents house on the internet for the rest of my life and it honestly terrifies me. I am 19 so I feel like I still have time to turn this around but without any motivation or social skills, I don't feel like I am cut out for this world.
To sum everything up, I have a serious problem. I haven't grown up to be the son that my parents wanted me to be. I am letting a lot of people down, including myself. I am too embarrassed of how far I've sunk to go outside anymore. Normal conversations with people my age is next to impossible for me. Going to community college and seeing other people my age gets me so worked up emotionally that I can't even picture myself going to school full time or working for $10 an hour in retail from 9 to 5. I am very scared of what my future will look like. Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore.