I have an entire network of people trying to expel me from my home. I have no coping mechanisms it. I've been living with it and my own feelings of worthlessness and isolation for so long now that I no longer go on. I'm beginning to experience symptoms of psychosis because of it. I'm becoming disconnected from reality. Every person I see on the street I think is trying to get me and I have no love or empathy in my heart anymore. The only thing I experience everyday all day is anger and it's all I can express. I pick fights with everyone I come across, I cry in public on benches because I can't hold it back anywhere I am, and everyone that sees me moves away from me and looks either frightened, apprehensive, wary, or has contempt for me. I experience no positive emotions at all. Ever. Absolutely never. I'm beginning to believe that I am actually under attack from something evil. I fantasize about unspeakably horrible things that I cannot say here. I also fantasize about going into the woods and just staying there anytime I'm outside walking along the Bronx River Parkway. The weather is getting warmer now. And I want more than anything to disappear. I just want to sleep in the woods. I feel like everything up until now at 35 has been for nothing. I used to laugh at scenarios like Margot Kidder in 1996 not having any compression of how that could happen to a person but it's happening to me now. And it's a slow burn. I'm in agony all the time and cannot stop the negative thoughts. I need someone to help me. In person.
Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? This sounds like textbook depression.... just kidding, I won't be one of those lazy posters, but in all seriousness, i can totally relate.
Everyone is frightened of me, hard to say if it is more my dark sinister "get away from me" vibes, or if i look disturbing somehow, my height, posture, I am pretty sure it is a physical and spiritual thing why i put people off. I am convinced that at this point, if someone was positive or i had an open door or chance with a potential woman or friend, I wouldn't even notice, because my mind is so programmed to think everyone hates me. I completely am convinced that I am very off-putting in every way, like a very extreme case. Not sure if my permanent frown or scowl is a problem, my clothes are too preppy or too bummy. Too fancy clothes can put people off but you also don't want to look homeless, no clue what to wear, or what the balance should be.
I live in an apartment but in the past 15 plus years i have gone to a ton of pro sports games and movies, then just kind of hibernate here the rest of the time. I often fantasize about living out in the woods somewhere, but I got it in my head that it would be dangerous as hell to live out in the middle of nowhere. In a small town it is much tougher to blend in to the background and be invisible, I somehow think if I was in the only house for miles and miles, being the loner outcast, local townsfolk would track me down and vandalize my home or destroy my property or harass me. It is like if you live in a town with population 130, everyone knows you. That is the one thing about New York City, so many people that easier to get lost in the crowd and blend in.
I don't speak but everything in my body language and little mind games I play would indicate i am trying to pick fights with everyone. I have my headphones on at all times, even with no music or phone or ipod attached. I have the damn headphones in when i walk down to check my mail. I also get emotional a lot, I think being in public is a reminder that I can't have a girlfriend or friends and walking alone out there in society, it is like everyone can read my mind, how lost I am. I also have a ton of rage and basically hate 99% of people and love animals. When talking to kind people, (not necessarily good), after hearing their boring way of speaking and how shallow and dull and unoriginal they are, I get annoyed to the point of rage and want to run the hell away. And this is like almost every person i meet. So even people who are decent and convey positive things to me or even compliment me in some phony or generic way, I am also very agitated with them because they all are just dumb robots with identical personalities