I can't seem to live in peace anywhere - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 02:06 AM Thread Starter
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I can't seem to live in peace anywhere


fed up with being scruitinized all the damn time. I think it's impossible for me to live anywhere without people in my neighbourhood trying to make me feel bad for living an introverted solitary lifestyle. people seem to care about how I live more than I do! it's utterly ridiculous, people are so ****ing nosey and always wanna pry into other peoples lives and turn others into a source of entertainment or gossip. these ****ers are just so sad they have nothing better to do then spy on me all the time and try to make me feel like a bad person. I get it everywhere I have lived, people just won't leave me alone! I mean I can understand it if I were to move into a hood and be completely anti social by putting on loud music all the time, shouting at my neighbours, revving up a car engine all the time or driving like a man possessed through my neighbourhood, and just generally drawing attention to myself for that. but in every instance of where I lived I never did that. I went to each new place I lived at with good intentions, no bad attitude to anyone around me. it's people who decide they don't like my lifestyle that start problems. people who bully me and try to get others involved in trying to make me feel ashamed and guilty for not living the life that they think I should. I have never been accepted for living a solitary life where I spend so much time alone, I can understand if I wasn't working if that was why people dislike me, (although I would think their disapproval was misguided because you never know the reasons why everyone who doesn't work, doesn't work) but even when I am working people still treat me like i'm some sort of misfit. what is so wrong about keeping yourself to yourself? I am not harming anyone!

I tend to think people virtue signal a lot about acceptance, my my experience most of the general public aren't actually accepting of people living different lifestyles to theirs but when questioned on it they like to pretend they are. its bs, people are so ignorant about themselves or deliberately fake. I can't take people seriously sometimes when they say they are because life experience has taught me otherwise. the level of arrogance in the average normies head is astonishing, if I were to start treating them the way they unfairly treat me they would kick up a ****ing storm. no one owns their ****! it's like, you are being incredibly negative and damaging towards me when I never did anything to you. you are starting trouble. at least ****ing own it and be accountable for the fact you are being a bully or joining in with bullying behaviour!

this neighbourhood is getting to me to the point of feeling suicidal. because it just feels like no one will accept me for me, anywhere that I go. I don't have any answers to the problems I face. its just repeating patterns over and over again. I might move out of this neighbourhood and somewhere else, but I don't really think I am gonna get any peace if I do so...

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
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people are so god damn narcissistic too, if I ignore their bs they just ramp it up a notch and force me to notice their judgmental attitude. i've tried ignoring the negative bullies but it doesn't work, they recruit other people to join in. sorry for the rant, it's really getting to me, I feel like i'm forced out of my own home a lot of the time. there is nothing i can do, can't even discuss it with a therapist .looks like i'm moving home (again)...

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 09:13 AM
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I think maybe 30% of people are accepting and the rest aren't but it's to varying degrees as well what people are open to accepting. The further you deviate from the norms someone grew up with the less they will accept you. For example even here people don't accept people like me, or do so very reluctantly.

I have to try not to dehumanise people in turn, but when I see hoards of them hysterically ranting interchangeably on websites like twitter, that's difficult. They mostly can't help the values they have it's a combination of innate temperament, drug use (or lack of use,) and what messages they internalised growing up.

It's insane that people don't understand why someone would want to keep to themselves in this hellish society though.

Lucy's bitten
Neck is bleeding bad
The teeth have long departed
Yet the desire burns strong
On in desire for destruction
One on which she'll depend
One that ceases to deepen
Too near bitter end


Black through the mountains
She turns her loosening ring
Guardian angel sings
"I think you've lost your wings, but you're still yours
You're still yours, you're still yours"

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-03-2020, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
I think maybe 30% of people are accepting and the rest aren't but it's to varying degrees as well what people are open to accepting. The further you deviate from the norms someone grew up with the less they will accept you. For example even here people don't accept people like me, or do so very reluctantly.

I have to try not to dehumanise people in turn, but when I see hoards of them hysterically ranting interchangeably on websites like twitter, that's difficult. They mostly can't help the values they have it's a combination of innate temperament, drug use (or lack of use,) and what messages they internalised growing up.

It's insane that people don't understand why someone would want to keep to themselves in this hellish society though.
it's like this sort of weird conditional acceptance. like for example a couple can be openly gay or a couple that are foreign can move in to a neighbourhood , but they have to like traditional "british" things for people to actually like them. its like if you aren't a fan of weekend tv and going out and getting plastered until you can't walk or you haven't possessed enough things with st george flags on them, then the level of acceptance drops. people like other people that are simple minded, culturally boring, nationalistic and capitalistic drones. any deviance from the accepted norm is considered weird. I just don't engage with like 90% of that sort of lifestyle, so I am already an outcast. then you factor in things community spirit, if a person is mentally ill or has a personality disorder then they are gonna find it hard to engage with that ,they might just wish to isolate themselves. I get what you mean about being an outcast though, I don't really feel I fit in anywhere tbh and maybe that was the path I was meant to take in life, a solitary one. I would say you are liked on here though, definitely so.

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-12-2020, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by unemployment simulator View Post
it's like this sort of weird conditional acceptance. like for example a couple can be openly gay or a couple that are foreign can move in to a neighbourhood , but they have to like traditional "british" things for people to actually like them. its like if you aren't a fan of weekend tv and going out and getting plastered until you can't walk or you haven't possessed enough things with st george flags on them, then the level of acceptance drops. people like other people that are simple minded, culturally boring, nationalistic and capitalistic drones. any deviance from the accepted norm is considered weird. I just don't engage with like 90% of that sort of lifestyle, so I am already an outcast. then you factor in things community spirit, if a person is mentally ill or has a personality disorder then they are gonna find it hard to engage with that ,they might just wish to isolate themselves. I get what you mean about being an outcast though, I don't really feel I fit in anywhere tbh and maybe that was the path I was meant to take in life, a solitary one. I would say you are liked on here though, definitely so.
Don't think I got a notification for this post.

Yeah that's often the case. Ironically I'm somewhat nationalistic in the sense of liking UK + European things (at least superficially.) I just think most of the stuff Britain is nationalistic about are boring and unrelatable. Like the older mythology, Paganism, occultism can be interesting, especially Celtic mythology (there are faeries hah,) The LoTR (even though I never read the books and just like the films/universe and most of it was filmed in New Zealand,) V for Vendetta, ruined buildings and the UK is pretty good for music, and Patrick Wolf has a bunch of songs about the geography of the UK which I like:







The royal family, conservative politicians, world war 2, the daily mail and other tabloid crap, reality TV, the vacuousness of drinking as a culture (and I used to go out drinking and don't have a problem with alcohol, but it's a bit sad to make it so integral.) flags, other random stuff nah... Not really interested in football either but that's not necessarily nationalistic.

I mean am I supposed to be interested if there isn't music, swords, elves, dark ****, or magic? :')

Lucy's bitten
Neck is bleeding bad
The teeth have long departed
Yet the desire burns strong
On in desire for destruction
One on which she'll depend
One that ceases to deepen
Too near bitter end


Black through the mountains
She turns her loosening ring
Guardian angel sings
"I think you've lost your wings, but you're still yours
You're still yours, you're still yours"

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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 11:32 PM
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I have an entire network of people trying to expel me from my home. I have no coping mechanisms it. I've been living with it and my own feelings of worthlessness and isolation for so long now that I no longer go on. I'm beginning to experience symptoms of psychosis because of it. I'm becoming disconnected from reality. Every person I see on the street I think is trying to get me and I have no love or empathy in my heart anymore. The only thing I experience everyday all day is anger and it's all I can express. I pick fights with everyone I come across, I cry in public on benches because I can't hold it back anywhere I am, and everyone that sees me moves away from me and looks either frightened, apprehensive, wary, or has contempt for me. I experience no positive emotions at all. Ever. Absolutely never. I'm beginning to believe that I am actually under attack from something evil. I fantasize about unspeakably horrible things that I cannot say here. I also fantasize about going into the woods and just staying there anytime I'm outside walking along the Bronx River Parkway. The weather is getting warmer now. And I want more than anything to disappear. I just want to sleep in the woods. I feel like everything up until now at 35 has been for nothing. I used to laugh at scenarios like Margot Kidder in 1996 not having any compression of how that could happen to a person but it's happening to me now. And it's a slow burn. I'm in agony all the time and cannot stop the negative thoughts. I need someone to help me. In person.
Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? This sounds like textbook depression.... just kidding, I won't be one of those lazy posters, but in all seriousness, i can totally relate.
Everyone is frightened of me, hard to say if it is more my dark sinister "get away from me" vibes, or if i look disturbing somehow, my height, posture, I am pretty sure it is a physical and spiritual thing why i put people off. I am convinced that at this point, if someone was positive or i had an open door or chance with a potential woman or friend, I wouldn't even notice, because my mind is so programmed to think everyone hates me. I completely am convinced that I am very off-putting in every way, like a very extreme case. Not sure if my permanent frown or scowl is a problem, my clothes are too preppy or too bummy. Too fancy clothes can put people off but you also don't want to look homeless, no clue what to wear, or what the balance should be.

I live in an apartment but in the past 15 plus years i have gone to a ton of pro sports games and movies, then just kind of hibernate here the rest of the time. I often fantasize about living out in the woods somewhere, but I got it in my head that it would be dangerous as hell to live out in the middle of nowhere. In a small town it is much tougher to blend in to the background and be invisible, I somehow think if I was in the only house for miles and miles, being the loner outcast, local townsfolk would track me down and vandalize my home or destroy my property or harass me. It is like if you live in a town with population 130, everyone knows you. That is the one thing about New York City, so many people that easier to get lost in the crowd and blend in.

I don't speak but everything in my body language and little mind games I play would indicate i am trying to pick fights with everyone. I have my headphones on at all times, even with no music or phone or ipod attached. I have the damn headphones in when i walk down to check my mail. I also get emotional a lot, I think being in public is a reminder that I can't have a girlfriend or friends and walking alone out there in society, it is like everyone can read my mind, how lost I am. I also have a ton of rage and basically hate 99% of people and love animals. When talking to kind people, (not necessarily good), after hearing their boring way of speaking and how shallow and dull and unoriginal they are, I get annoyed to the point of rage and want to run the hell away. And this is like almost every person i meet. So even people who are decent and convey positive things to me or even compliment me in some phony or generic way, I am also very agitated with them because they all are just dumb robots with identical personalities
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-17-2020, 03:38 AM Thread Starter
pls don't eat bats, thnx
 
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
Don't think I got a notification for this post.

Yeah that's often the case. Ironically I'm somewhat nationalistic in the sense of liking UK + European things (at least superficially.) I just think most of the stuff Britain is nationalistic about are boring and unrelatable. Like the older mythology, Paganism, occultism can be interesting, especially Celtic mythology (there are faeries hah,) The LoTR (even though I never read the books and just like the films/universe and most of it was filmed in New Zealand,) V for Vendetta, ruined buildings and the UK is pretty good for music, and Patrick Wolf has a bunch of songs about the geography of the UK which I like:

The royal family, conservative politicians, world war 2, the daily mail and other tabloid crap, reality TV, the vacuousness of drinking as a culture (and I used to go out drinking and don't have a problem with alcohol, but it's a bit sad to make it so integral.) flags, other random stuff nah... Not really interested in football either but that's not necessarily nationalistic.

I mean am I supposed to be interested if there isn't music, swords, elves, dark ****, or magic? :')
haha that is good stuff to be nationalistic about though, that is real history of the land you are born on and ancestral origins and the culture surrounding it. paganism here was a totally legit lifestyle, that got crushed,slandered and demonised by invading countries and the church. you probably know all that stuff. all the stuff about native druidism of the british isles is fascinating it also ties into nature worship, and our natural surroundings is another thing good that we have in this country i'm kind of proud of how great some of our national parks and countryside is.
yea we have innovated in a lot of ways as a nation and contributed massively to the arts and sciences. I guess i'm at odds with the nation because i'm interested in geeky positive things rather than pop culture nationalism or some form of right wing imperialism.

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