I asked my friend straight up what his friends think of me - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 05:12 AM Thread Starter
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I asked my friend straight up what his friends think of me


Yesterday I was at a bar with my friend. We just sat there on a table drinking some beers and minding our own business. Suddenly someone from the table behind us taps on my back I turn around and he says " hey waiter how much do I owe you?" his friends were laughing and I don't know what was in their minds but they were clearly making fun of me.
Things like this happen a lot to me so I ignored it and tat was that.

Now obviously it did irritate me so I asked my friend why does this always happen to me? Do I look weak and vulnerable, do I look like an idiot? So I asked him straight up what do your friends think of me because I feel they don't respect me. He was honest as he saw I really meant it this time and he says they think I'm inferior.

All those years of going out in public places, meeting friends friends etc I noticed almost all of them looking down upon me and now I know why, because I'm inferior. Some of them know I have no job but those 3 strangers from yesterday don' know that yet their reaction towards me is the same. It's all about appearance.

Now I'm not telling anything new here but when you have no job, when you are the silent type, when you are not a big mouth, when you look frail and weak you are a nobody. I felt this all along but yesterday I finally got the confirmation.

I really wonder more and more each day why I'm wasting my time living.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 06:07 AM
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I noticed you talk about ambitions and friends being above you in a sense but you have to understand that there are people above them too. In fact, the people who see other people as if there is a hierarchy or “league” after high school are obviously mentally weak and caged.

Don’t put yourself down, man. There are millions of people out there and I’d say 60% of them are suffering from some kind of anxiety, loneliness or existential conflict. You’re definitely not alone in that regard.



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I've lived in hiding from the darkness.
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I've prayed that God finds me soon.
Only to realize I must find myself.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 06:42 AM
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I would of pursued them to give me some money. If they wouldn't, start calling them something of the effect of a 'cheap ******* etc.. All in a good nature manner.



They would of got more enjoyment with less guilt later on that they harassed some guy and made him feel bad (..maybe..).



You really shouldn't wear these things on a sleeve anymore. if you're really 36 years old, what people see is what they get. You have no choice but to embrace that. Especially as you try to make changes in your life.



I've been told by a circle of 'friends that I am 'socially awkward but I saw the dissonance in that when they have this absolute dork who they always have around, and seem to be contently compliant about it. I also noticed they really don't have too much to talk about apart from the latest tv series they saw and what ensued on the times they were inebriated. On top of that, we did not know each other at all, I was brand new to them and they decided to be cliquey and posturing to me, I look at this as their character flaw.



I also met a great deal of nicer/agreeable people. but still have an aversion to network. I guess I just prefer a good exchange once in a while. Chances are I get most out of that as opposed to going to gatherings.



Anyways, don't rule out the possibility that you might just be in proximity of douche-bags. Do distance yourself from them once they make you feel bad.

-As always-
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 12:57 PM
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I'm sorry, I don't have any wise words that will make you feel better. When you are already down it is the last thing you need.

I do know that the vast majority of people on here will know how it feels, you are certainly not alone in having to suffer being the butt of high school jokes. Some people will always be bullies even long after school and they always manage to find us. People they can mock without fear of making them look like the immature idiots they are. Witty comebacks is definitely not my thing. Dwell for days/weeks and blame myself is more like what I would do. Somehow managing to make myself believe I deserved it in the process. But we don't and neither do you.

You seem to have a pretty good friend though and they are rare in this world. I hope you can get past it soon.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Unforgiven17 View Post
I'm sorry, I don't have any wise words that will make you feel better. When you are already down it is the last thing you need.

I do know that the vast majority of people on here will know how it feels, you are certainly not alone in having to suffer being the butt of high school jokes. Some people will always be bullies even long after school and they always manage to find us. People they can mock without fear of making them look like the immature idiots they are. Witty comebacks is definitely not my thing. Dwell for days/weeks and blame myself is more like what I would do. Somehow managing to make myself believe I deserved it in the process. But we don't and neither do you.

You seem to have a pretty good friend though and they are rare in this world. I hope you can get past it soon.
Don't worry this minor incident has no effect on me. I've experienced much worse than this. It was more about the conversation with my friend that followed after that occurrence. I thought that was pretty shocking although I kinda new what people think of me it still hits though.
I actually have a couple of good friends but I don't seek out much interaction with them as I know their other friends find my existence irrelevant. In a way they are right I mean my contribution to society is below minimum so I can't blame anyone but myself.

Like I said in another thread, some people get themselves out of this situation by perseverance or by luck or anything else. You have to earn respect I guess.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 06:16 PM
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People are awful. I don't know why, but it seems no matter what age you are there's always someone or a group who wants to look down on others simply because they perceive a "weakness" in them. I sometimes think I feel it with my own friends. I don't think I have much of a place in the world.

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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 03:27 AM
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This is why I don't call anyone a friend unless they have a lot of empathy and interpersonal sensitivity. If I don't sense that from someone I tend to keep them at arm's length.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 04:28 AM
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I'm sorry you experienced that.

I know how that feels. I'm always treated as inferior. I don't know what it is about me.

People are generally insecure and struggle with themselves. And some feel the need to drag others down to make themselves feel better.

We always need to feel better than someone else. I always compare myself and sometimes when I see someone that I think I'm "better" than, I start thinking I'm not that bad. But then I check myself and get angry at myself for thinking that.

It's human nature to think like that. It's only when you treat people badly then it's a problem.

Don't take it to heart. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't let people like that get to you.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by conantheworthless View Post
when you have no job, when you are the silent type, when you are not a big mouth, when you look frail and weak you are a nobody.
I have been frail and unemployed before. It's definintely no fun and depressing, but honestly, even thought I have long been the type to care too much what people think, when you are both unhealthy frail and unemployed, you really need to try not give a damn about the insignificant things in life like some jerks behavior opinion and just care more about the very 'real' issue there. Even if finding job becomes a lengthy process like it was a few years ago for me, try find the motivation within you to fix whatever obvious issues there are like your health if you can. Hundred percent, transitioning from a frail to a normal healthy build will absolutely provide you a lot more potential happiness in life.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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@melancholyscorpio I've had these moments too, I get angry with myself too when I think such things. Under impulse of my friend I had a period where I often felt better than other people (he is very confident) but I didn't bully anyone over it, I would never do that. But the last couple of years have probably been the worst in my life. In all honesty I view everybody I meet as superior to me for a couple of years now. It's draining my mental health.

@Losti thanks for the encouragement.
How did you conclude I had health problems? Well you are right about it but still I never mentioned it I think :-P I've got a bowel disease that flares up especially in moments of stress, I need to go to the hospital every 2 months for an infusion. I'm pretty sure my mental state since I was a kid made me develop this sickness. It's perfectly controllable though :-)
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 07:59 PM
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I never understood the concept of putting people down just to big myself up. Maybe if it was for money i would do it but I've never felt any better about myself afte putting someone down. Lucky I don't care enough about what people think at this point of my life to put so much weight in weird/disrespectful situations.

If someone wants to think they are better than me, it better be about a sport or some game lol cause if it isn't I'm too tired to care. The only reason I will confront and defend myself if its at a workplace or somewhere more personal meaning if I have to see your face more than one day or if you touch me I will try to confront and see how much of a tough guy or p****y that person really is.

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 08:34 PM
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I felt this all along but yesterday I finally got the confirmation.


^^^ is why that situation (or the conversation afterwards) bothered you. It's not what other people say to you, it's what you believe. In this situation, you believe you are inferior. So if anyone echoes your negative beliefs, you'll feel like you're being cut with a knife.


So why do you feel inferior to other people? And how did you decide on the "standard" by which you judge yourself?
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-22-2019, 08:11 AM
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This boils my blood lol. I hate how people are like this... I hate how it's always groups as well.

I can relate sort of to the friends or friends thing, but it's more like my parents of my "friends" and society's view that warps their true perception I feel. Kind of like how if a lot of people have a positive perception on something, chances are more people are going to feel better about x thing, whereas if something is perceived negatively even if it's not actually bad, people will tend to gravitate towards stigma.

Anyway, the parents of friends talk to me like they either pity me/worry about their child associating with someone like me in the future... because I'm basically worth nothing networking-wise.

This kind of pushes me in a toxic way sort of, to be invisibly competitve with my "friends" and try to be more better than them and perfect at whatever I can be, so that next time I see them/their parents/their friends I'm superior in my own way to all of them and can internally roll my eyes if they start to pay more attention lol. It's not really healthy and I do harbour hidden resentment even towards some of my teachers (who I share with friends) who I also feel I have to prove things... but I feel it has to be this way to be equal and for me to get more answers about human nature and who I can really call a friend/mentor.

I don't know though, for me it's impossible to ignore what others think/how they perceive you since it doesn't just relate to these sorts of bullying incidents. This goes beyond and into the job market too and whether people hire you, how popular you are, making friends, attraction etc...

When this sort of thing happens, I take it in, get upset and mourn for a bit before it goes to the back of my mind, but I never forget or ignore. I think everyone has to face up to it somehow, even if that means selling your soul to becoming better than the people that hurt you, somehow. The motivation can be anything (even if it's negative or unhealthy like mine), as long as it gets you going and you achieve something.

For me part of the process was detaching myself from the people I gave my heart to while I was still a young child (teachers/mentors/friends/parents..), in that I trusted them with my whole life especially mentors who I grew up closely with. When I realized I had been wronged or abandoned and never truly cared for/loved in a sense, that's when I realized you can't get by in this world by being kind and loving so to speak. You have to have a more cutthroat approach, especially if society doesn't favour you.

One of my biggest regrets in childhood was not listening to my instincts and my true desires and just letting everyone else control me.. but I let them because I TRUSTED THEM and I thought they cared for me through and through, but as I became older I realized I had been "abandoned".

I'm still not doing that well now, but SO MUCH BETTER than before because I'm listening to myself. This is just me though, if you have a loving family and true friends/mentors that really "gave" to you, it's much different, their opinions will be important and help you, because they would have raised you and shaped you to be a beautiful person (I did not have that, and realized too late when I grew up already).

I don't wanna exist
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