Join Date: Jun 2017
Language: Non-Verbal communication
This boils my blood lol. I hate how people are like this... I hate how it's always groups as well.
I can relate sort of to the friends or friends thing, but it's more like my parents of my "friends" and society's view that warps their true perception I feel. Kind of like how if a lot of people have a positive perception on something, chances are more people are going to feel better about x thing, whereas if something is perceived negatively even if it's not actually bad, people will tend to gravitate towards stigma.
Anyway, the parents of friends talk to me like they either pity me/worry about their child associating with someone like me in the future... because I'm basically worth nothing networking-wise.
This kind of pushes me in a toxic way sort of, to be invisibly competitve with my "friends" and try to be more better than them and perfect at whatever I can be, so that next time I see them/their parents/their friends I'm superior in my own way to all of them and can internally roll my eyes if they start to pay more attention lol. It's not really healthy and I do harbour hidden resentment even towards some of my teachers (who I share with friends) who I also feel I have to prove things... but I feel it has to be this way to be equal and for me to get more answers about human nature and who I can really call a friend/mentor.
I don't know though, for me it's impossible to ignore what others think/how they perceive you since it doesn't just relate to these sorts of bullying incidents. This goes beyond and into the job market too and whether people hire you, how popular you are, making friends, attraction etc...
When this sort of thing happens, I take it in, get upset and mourn for a bit before it goes to the back of my mind, but I never forget or ignore. I think everyone has to face up to it somehow, even if that means selling your soul to becoming better than the people that hurt you, somehow. The motivation can be anything (even if it's negative or unhealthy like mine), as long as it gets you going and you achieve something.
For me part of the process was detaching myself from the people I gave my heart to while I was still a young child (teachers/mentors/friends/parents..), in that I trusted them with my whole life especially mentors who I grew up closely with. When I realized I had been wronged or abandoned and never truly cared for/loved in a sense, that's when I realized you can't get by in this world by being kind and loving so to speak. You have to have a more cutthroat approach, especially if society doesn't favour you.
One of my biggest regrets in childhood was not listening to my instincts and my true desires and just letting everyone else control me.. but I let them because I TRUSTED THEM and I thought they cared for me through and through, but as I became older I realized I had been "abandoned".
I'm still not doing that well now, but SO MUCH BETTER than before because I'm listening to myself. This is just me though, if you have a loving family and true friends/mentors that really "gave" to you, it's much different, their opinions will be important and help you, because they would have raised you and shaped you to be a beautiful person (I did not have that, and realized too late when I grew up already).
I don't wanna exist