I am worse than i thought
So, because i can talk to people like strangers when interrupted or if i really need something, and can have some conversations, i thought i was at least a bit better off than some people here, yes, a really awful thing to think, i know, and not wanting a girlfriend really helps being lonely.
But since i am 27 years old and friendless, i did consider maybe going to a bar or a nightclub rather than sleeping home at night...nope, for the first time in years, i feared entering someplace, just seeing a lot of people gathered in groups or as couples made me get anxious in a way i haven't felt for years, the worst part is that i know it's stupid, i know no one will notice or care, no one will talk about the guy that came in at the bar by himself two days afterwards, but for some reason, knowing and accepting are two different things.
Forget a nightclub...though i don't care for places with loud music nor like dancing, i kinda compromised and went to a bar recently during the day but close to night, it was already mostly full but i still felt awful drinking a coffee by myself while every other table had groups of friends, including the two tables in front of me with girls, when they saw me looking i just avoided my eyes, i was trying not to look at my smartphone or anything but i got anxious and left without talking to anyone, fearing interrupting a group discussion.
So it turns out i am more anxious and worse than i thought, i was just too accepting of being friendless and dateless, or for some reason actually coming in with the intent of maybe talking to people and starting something is much much worse than casual conversations.
Just here to talk about stuff i guess.