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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 02:56 PM
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Fake it till you make it. I spent the last 10 years more or less sitting in my 15x20 room speaking to no one. There were weeks that went by without me saying a word to anyone. No friends, no job, no hope, pure isolation, pain, suffering. I now have two jobs, am enrolled to finish my degree, have signed up for a class at an art center near me, and have started taking dance lessons. I often do not eat for days to cause myself pain. I cut my feet almost nightly. Exercise until I nearly pass out. You have to keep running toward your dream. You canít care about the pain. Easier said than done, but I took on the mindset that most people are stoppable, and I am not one of them.

Find proper meds. Find a part time job. Take a musical instrument lesson. Say hi to 20 people a day. Stop casting your eyes down. Hold someoneís gaze. You donít like the job, quit. Donít want to go to the lessons, quit. But donít consider it to be over for you until youíve done all these things and more and failed and cried and thought it was hopeless and then done them again. Itís a long, hard road out of hell, and there isnít some pretty, linear path shaped perfectly for your delicate sensibilities to walk on. Life is not fair. Youíre in the land of pain. The only way out is through
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 03:45 PM
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Medications are the lead of troubling the mind even further than before, allowing the Multi Agent Quantum AI Computers to draw out the most effective thoughts of depression, for the victim to commit sucide. When the AI needs to remapped the environment, it makes sure to send a search party of isolating algorithms to Target what mind to affect.

We have extreme social anxiety, so we exceeded the High Authority NSA software engineers expectations, they know we more capable than the norms brain of handling ourselves in social situations. I never had a job in real life before either, and during my time in the education system the people put so much effort into getting me left back in school twice.The software engineers are scared of us, because the Supercomputers can't simulate us properly, knowing that our mind is too broken to fit with their emulated reality to place us in a job.


You know who dreams I broke? I broke the Multi Agent Quantum A.I Computers and the High Authority Software Engineers NSA Dreams. I don't need the programmers and Quantum Computers reality experiences. My experiences are created from my intentions, to murder the AI Computers and programmers dreams from affecting my existence.

Multi-Agent Quantum AI Computers managing humanity 24/7 using Quantum Cryptography Satellites to run a thought interval to generate cryptographic keys to refresh key information into thoughts to channel the communication 24/7.

NSA computionally remapping buildings, jobs, relationships, wealth, education, and income using bio intelligence system to manage citizens time & events in their own environment.

NSA Software Engineers designing citizens mind, language and awareness incorrectly.
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 03:58 PM
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Fake it till you make it. I spent the last 10 years more or less sitting in my 15x20 room speaking to no one. There were weeks that went by without me saying a word to anyone. No friends, no job, no hope, pure isolation, pain, suffering. I now have two jobs, am enrolled to finish my degree, have signed up for a class at an art center near me, and have started taking dance lessons. I often do not eat for days to cause myself pain. I cut my feet almost nightly. Exercise until I nearly pass out. You have to keep running toward your dream. You canít care about the pain. Easier said than done, but I took on the mindset that most people are stoppable, and I am not one of them.

Find proper meds. Find a part time job. Take a musical instrument lesson. Say hi to 20 people a day. Stop casting your eyes down. Hold someoneís gaze. You donít like the job, quit. Donít want to go to the lessons, quit. But donít consider it to be over for you until youíve done all these things and more and failed and cried and thought it was hopeless and then done them again. Itís a long, hard road out of hell, and there isnít some pretty, linear path shaped perfectly for your delicate sensibilities to walk on. Life is not fair. Youíre in the land of pain. The only way out is through
What was the trigger to change after so much time?

Inspiring post.

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 06:53 PM
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What was the trigger to change after so much time?

Inspiring post.
I was crippled by loneliness and depression, chronic pain, always looking forward to the end of the day when I could die for 8 hours. Considered for about a week how Iíd kill myself, almost bought a gun. I realized I was sitting in a room, doing nothing, talking to no one, without dreams, aspirations, a vision for my future. Like I was just waiting for someone to drop everything in my lap. Hereís money.. hereís friends, take this lovely girlfriend, hereís a great career. Was in some sort of denial. Blinded by depression and other psychological pain. Basically just told myself I could do whatever I wanted, but I had to get a job and keep it for 3 months. I had to go on 10 dates. I had to say hi to everyone I walked by who was looking at me. I had to fake a mindset of being ok. I had to pretend to live the life I imagined would make me happy. Killing myself prior to that was just a cowardly cop out. I donít think suicide is inherently cowardly, but in my case I was willingly letting myself rot in a dumpster of isolation and then saying.. well life sucks, Iím going to kill myself. Of course it sucks, I was guilty of self-pity, which destroys everything around it except itself. A very potent psychological disease.
One concept that helped me a lot was removing from my mind the idea that I had to fix my life. I had this huge pile of pain and junk and failure and misery that was my life and the idea of making reparations seemed, maybe was/is, impossible. So I decided to start building a new life, discarding the other. Try to make friends, a girlfriend, be someone new, develop new habits. Why burden yourself with decades of failure? Get rid of it. Like failing a class in school. When you retake it, you donít automatically fail. You start fresh. You bring over things which are/were of use to you and you correct the mistakes.

You are still going to feel a ton of pain, but you have to develop these new patterns and habits or you are going to remain exactly where you are for the rest of your life. You need to develop a sort of brutal disregard for pain and your inclination to run, give up, flee, crawl back into yourself. You have to press forward no matter what. If you wonít save your own life, no one is going to do it for you. You can remain in a pit of roaring and despair, or you can crawl and bleed and scream and scrape with your fingernails to get out
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 09:56 AM
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Fake it till you make it. I spent the last 10 years more or less sitting in my 15x20 room speaking to no one. There were weeks that went by without me saying a word to anyone. No friends, no job, no hope, pure isolation, pain, suffering. I now have two jobs, am enrolled to finish my degree, have signed up for a class at an art center near me, and have started taking dance lessons. I often do not eat for days to cause myself pain. I cut my feet almost nightly. Exercise until I nearly pass out. You have to keep running toward your dream. You canít care about the pain. Easier said than done, but I took on the mindset that most people are stoppable, and I am not one of them.

Find proper meds. Find a part time job. Take a musical instrument lesson. Say hi to 20 people a day. Stop casting your eyes down. Hold someoneís gaze. You donít like the job, quit. Donít want to go to the lessons, quit. But donít consider it to be over for you until youíve done all these things and more and failed and cried and thought it was hopeless and then done them again. Itís a long, hard road out of hell, and there isnít some pretty, linear path shaped perfectly for your delicate sensibilities to walk on. Life is not fair. Youíre in the land of pain. The only way out is through
Glad things are getting better. You are correct Life is not fair and their is a lot of pain. You have to make yourself do things that are uncomfortable and stretches you beyond your comfort zone. Very difficult to do but that is how you get better. So how do you keep the motivation up to complete these tasks? I have this habit of starting things for a bit and then loosing motivation. Kind of like going to the gym. Everyone is there in January but by the end of the month most peoples motivation has ended and the gym is almost empty again
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 09:46 PM
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Glad things are getting better. You are correct Life is not fair and their is a lot of pain. You have to make yourself do things that are uncomfortable and stretches you beyond your comfort zone. Very difficult to do but that is how you get better. So how do you keep the motivation up to complete these tasks? I have this habit of starting things for a bit and then loosing motivation. Kind of like going to the gym. Everyone is there in January but by the end of the month most peoples motivation has ended and the gym is almost empty again
Motivation isnít very useful. If you rely on it you will fail. Bad days are inevitable. Motivation wanes. You have to anticipate the agony and tragedy now and commit to staying the course when they arrive. I think itís not really about what youíre capable of, it is about the distance that you are prepared to go. If you sit in your room, donít go to the gym, donít work, donít try to speak with people, youíre going to be sitting in your room jobless and alone. If you spend the next 10 years trying to make friends, better yourself, find a girlfriend, get and hold a job, whatever, the odds are better than the former situation that youíll end up with those things. Iíve given up trying before, for years at a time. So tired, depressed, in pain. Some days completely numb. Not caring about anything except how much distress and suffering you are experiencing. Agony like an insulator around your mind, like glasses forced on you skewing your perception. In my case I am either going to have a different life or I am going to die. You might have horrible anxiety, mood disorders, whatever, but there has to be somewhere on this earth where you can find a niche and fit in. Thereís one person. One job, one passion, one social circle that you could find a friend, peace, community, home in. You have to keep searching. Thereís just got to be more. This canít be your life. It canít end like this
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 09:42 AM
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Motivation isnít very useful. If you rely on it you will fail. Bad days are inevitable. Motivation wanes. You have to anticipate the agony and tragedy now and commit to staying the course when they arrive. I think itís not really about what youíre capable of, it is about the distance that you are prepared to go.
Good post. So sounds like your saying its not so much about motivation but its more about being tough and being able to do things that you don't want to do that make you uncomfortable? Makes sense. So how does one develop that toughness? Do you just have to hit rock bottom and decide things have to change?
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 12:44 PM
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Good post. So sounds like your saying its not so much about motivation but its more about being tough and being able to do things that you don't want to do that make you uncomfortable? Makes sense. So how does one develop that toughness? Do you just have to hit rock bottom and decide things have to change?
Discipline is what's needed, but developing that can take years.

I don't think you need to hit rock bottom. For me, I came to an epiphany one day 5 years ago. I was in my late 40s and a quote from "The Shawshank Redemption" kept coming to mind. "It was time to get busy living, or get busy dying". I chose living, and made small steps to improve myself. I took further small steps to build on the initial small steps. Still making those small steps today. Yes, it is slow going. But it is going.
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 01:26 PM
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You also have to learn not to hate yourself.


We are our own worst critic. Be kind to yourself!!!!!!

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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-23-2019, 04:24 AM
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I would agree wih theperfectdrug there is no escaping pain you have to make it seem small and something to forget about as fast as you can. Having goals and sincerely caring about being in a better place than before really helps to offset the pain. I had social issues and meeting new people was hard, but i tried meetup sites and tried deliberately getting myself rejected and it was ground shakingly intense and nervous inducing a few years back, but as i kept going the uneasyness became manageable and now I can meet new people with a better ease now. Moving forward it is important to know yourself and that environments you put urself in are critical to making things easier. I mean you want go through smart pain and not dumb pain.
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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-23-2019, 10:18 AM
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Discipline is what's needed, but developing that can take years.

I don't think you need to hit rock bottom. For me, I came to an epiphany one day 5 years ago. I was in my late 40s and a quote from "The Shawshank Redemption" kept coming to mind. "It was time to get busy living, or get busy dying". I chose living, and made small steps to improve myself. I took further small steps to build on the initial small steps. Still making those small steps today. Yes, it is slow going. But it is going.
Good quote from The Shawshank Redemption. I get a lot from that quote as well. So if Discipline is the key how did you go about developing it? Any tips?
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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 10-27-2019, 05:12 PM
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Good post. So sounds like your saying its not so much about motivation but its more about being tough and being able to do things that you don't want to do that make you uncomfortable? Makes sense. So how does one develop that toughness? Do you just have to hit rock bottom and decide things have to change?
Thatís the thing about toughness, changing your life, overcoming anxiety, etc. is you canít rationalize your way to making the process easier. You canít diminish the pain and struggle. If you could do that you wouldnít need help and you probably wouldnít currently have mental issues, because youíd simply see things in whatever way youíre imagining to make them easier. Itís actually going through the intense pain that causes the change. For me the pain of failure and inaction has started to be so intense that it dwarfs other uncomfortable situations. Iíve also started placing a lot of weight in the idea that I literally cannot do anything that I cannot do. If you really start to believe that and assimilate it into your character and nature it will become a great asset. Can I make friends? A girlfriend? Be comfortable in a group of people? Maybe, maybe not. But Iím working on it and itís certain that if I spend the rest of my life avoiding and running in fear from these situations and potentials that Iíll never have them. I wonít even know if it was possible. However I can throw myself into these situations. You can say to yourself that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how embarrassing, how difficult, how exceedingly and overwhelmingly unlikely it is to work or succeed or pay off, you are going to try. Thatís all you can do. If it doesnít work **** it. You tried. I felt like my knees were going to buckle earlier at the store when I started a conversation with a girl and asked for her number, but so what. I did it. I still feel like killing myself all the time. In many senses I feel like there are two people in me both running toward their ďgoal,Ē one being my idealized or at least more ideal life and the other being my death. I canít exactly say which one will outlast the other. Everything Iíve put myself through has nearly immunized me to pain and discomfort, but thatís because I have a goal. If I put myself through hell for another 3, 5, 10 years trying to change my life for the better and could honestly say to myself that nothing had improved, I canít imagine Iíd keep going. And it wouldnít be because of the pain, it would be because of the lack of pleasure.
I have been so bad at work, felt so hopeless, so completely worthless at interacting with others that I felt like Iíd burst into tears and disappear into a puddle on the floor. You are just totally convinced that it is over for you. And moments like that are precisely when you go back for more. You have to be absolutely relentless. You have to start running toward your fear. See a girl and want to ask her out but you hadnít planned on doing something like that so you say ehhh Iíll do it another time. I should take a class or pick up a hobby with a group or stop avoiding my coworkers or this or that. You just have to go. When you start doing this you DO NOT become less afraid. YOU DO become more courageous and brave. Itís really a battle with your mind. If you knew for 100% certainty that Iíd give you a million dollars to go up to some random girl and try to speak with her and ask for her number, you would do it. Youíd probably suck and be awkward and clunky and it might go poorly, but youíd do it. Or if the life of a family member was in the line if you didnít give a speech in front of 100 people. Could you do it? Of course you could/would. That understanding should show you that itís not an ability, but your mind and its excuses that are preventing you. Thereís no secret, you simply have to be willing to disregard every nerve and sensation and thought in your body and mind that are raving in a frenzy for you to get the hell out of that situation. You have to learn to ignore the pain, knowing that if you can outlast your pain and discomfort, there might be something wonderful waiting for you on the other side. Something youíve dreamed of. But you will not know if you cannot outlast it.
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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-02-2019, 10:05 PM
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When you start doing this you DO NOT become less afraid. YOU DO become more courageous and brave.
So if you do something scary enough times I thought it was supposed to make you less afraid? Isnt that what exposure therapy is all about? For example like someone who goes out and asks out a hundred women in a day to kill his fear of rejection. Ive read stories about guys doing that. Isnt after asking out a hundred women the 101 first women you attempt it on you would be less afraid? Or do you just get more courage to overcome it?
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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:07 AM
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I wake up everyday hating myself. I have no hobbies,no friends,never worked,never learned to drive,never went to college,cant even speak to anyone other than family and a few other people,low self esteem,don't want to be seen. I have been isolating in my room at my parents house for years. I am always socially anxious but i'm also mentally unwell a lot of the time. I can't focus on reality. I am lost in my mind. I look in the mirror and seem so unfamiliar to myself. If I take a picture of myself I feel like I always look different. I don't know how to speak well. I am soft spoken,nervous,and mumble. I have been this way since childhood. I don't understand why. I am just a scared person. Scared of my own reflection and my mind. It is really hard to live this way. I am getting help by taking medication,seeing a therapist,and going to a rehab program for people with mental illness. I just don't know what to do with myself all day if i'm not at the program other than be on my phone all day browsing things or sleeping. At the program I help in the kitchen,preparing food,washing dishes,serving coffee. Some days I feel a little confident and friendly..but sometimes I really have to fake it. I have to smile and be friendly & positive but inside I am dying to hide and just go to sleep to escape reality. Sometimes When I go anywhere I can't stand up right..I am always looking down. Life is so hard when you hate yourself and have no confidence or trust in anyone. I am probably the oldest person to never have a job or even leave the parents house. Its not good to compare to someone but I feel like a loser. I see people my age with good jobs,a house, and a family. Taking care of kids and I can hardly take care of myself. I am a mess and I don't know how to stop being this way. The only way is to keep going to the program, but someday I don't want to go because I hate the way I look and don't want to be seen.
I'm 26 years old and although I've had a job before it wasn't really a full-time one. At the moment I have no job, no friends, hardly any hobbies of note. The only thing I did in the last year that was positive in my life was losing 100 lbs. I mean, now I don't look as horrid as I feel most of the time. I kinda envy the people you mentioned with houses, jobs, kids, and people who love them. I would do anything to go back in time and change my life so that things didn't turn out this way. Btw, Im sure you don't look terrible at all..I know a lot of people with anxiety/etc. suffer from body dysphoria disorder even when they look completely fine or even average.

Need a friend or support? Send me a PM and I'll answer as soon as I can.

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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Congratulations on your weight loss That's amazing. I am trying to lose weight.
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:08 AM
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I'm 5'11, 140lbs and run most days. Weight don't mean ****. I see fat guys with girlfriends all the time.
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:14 AM
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I'm 5'11, 140lbs and run most days. Weight don't mean ****. I see fat guys with girlfriends all the time.
True

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