What was the trigger to change after so much time?
I was crippled by loneliness and depression, chronic pain, always looking forward to the end of the day when I could die for 8 hours. Considered for about a week how Iíd kill myself, almost bought a gun. I realized I was sitting in a room, doing nothing, talking to no one, without dreams, aspirations, a vision for my future. Like I was just waiting for someone to drop everything in my lap. Hereís money.. hereís friends, take this lovely girlfriend, hereís a great career. Was in some sort of denial. Blinded by depression and other psychological pain. Basically just told myself I could do whatever I wanted, but I had to get a job and keep it for 3 months. I had to go on 10 dates. I had to say hi to everyone I walked by who was looking at me. I had to fake a mindset of being ok. I had to pretend to live the life I imagined would make me happy. Killing myself prior to that was just a cowardly cop out. I donít think suicide is inherently cowardly, but in my case I was willingly letting myself rot in a dumpster of isolation and then saying.. well life sucks, Iím going to kill myself. Of course it sucks, I was guilty of self-pity, which destroys everything around it except itself. A very potent psychological disease.
One concept that helped me a lot was removing from my mind the idea that I had to fix my life. I had this huge pile of pain and junk and failure and misery that was my life and the idea of making reparations seemed, maybe was/is, impossible. So I decided to start building a new life, discarding the other. Try to make friends, a girlfriend, be someone new, develop new habits. Why burden yourself with decades of failure? Get rid of it. Like failing a class in school. When you retake it, you donít automatically fail. You start fresh. You bring over things which are/were of use to you and you correct the mistakes.
You are still going to feel a ton of pain, but you have to develop these new patterns and habits or you are going to remain exactly where you are for the rest of your life. You need to develop a sort of brutal disregard for pain and your inclination to run, give up, flee, crawl back into yourself. You have to press forward no matter what. If you wonít save your own life, no one is going to do it for you. You can remain in a pit of roaring and despair, or you can crawl and bleed and scream and scrape with your fingernails to get out