How To Not Feel Like A Loser? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-13-2020, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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How To Not Feel Like A Loser?


Figured people here can relate....

No matter, what I do, comparing myself to literally EVERYONE is what I do best. And most people heave done bigger and better things than me...

Now....I know intellectually and rationally that everyone is on a different life path, life is not a race, everyone else might look like they're having a great time but inside could be a different story. Yes, I know that. But it just does not help me.

I'm about to be 28 and because of that I still feel like such a loser because I have not left home yet, had any sexual experience, or had a relationship. I feel so inadequate to people my age as they at least have done most of those things. The most basic things that most people my age have done. So yeah, I feel like a loser and I don't know how to stop these feelings. Sometimes you meet people and you know they are looking down on you for living at home. I mean technically I lived away from home for six months but that doesn't count as it was only six months and I wasn't paying bills or anything.

Now, there are a lot of logical reasons why I haven't had a partner or left home. I could list them all here but I don't want to bore you. It's not because I'm lazy or unmotivated. For example, I've spent the past year trying to build a fledgling business which is why I wouldn't have been smart for me to move out yet as I'm trying to grow a business etc. I also live in one of the most expensive cities in Europe. But adults that live at home get such a bad press in the media and it makes you feel awful.

But yeah, feeling and knowing you're behind on life and everyone your age is the worst I wish I didn't feel like such a loser.


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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-13-2020, 01:32 PM
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Compassion focused therapy.

Or this book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassiona.../dp/1472135903

And stop voluntarily comparing yourself to others. They have had a different life experience, they have different genes. Different upbringing. If you had lived next door things would have been a different matter.

Life isn't actually a race. As the stoics would say.. "forget your past, the time up to now is gone, imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have". Anything outside of this is a waste of time.

But compassion focused therapy is your best bet, really. Its a 3rd wave CBT therapy, highly recommend it (and that book). If you are really serious about fixing this problem, buy the book and do it. Your problem isn't fixed by magically getting the stuff you want, its by being compassionate to yourself (which includes strength, wisdom, and focused and dedicated action, as you will find out). Which unblocks you and lets you move forward.

Compassion focused therapy audio, guided meditations:

https://balancedminds.com/audio/
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-13-2020, 04:22 PM
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"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you." -Tyrion Lannister

If the only reasons you feel like a loser is because you still live with family and haven't experienced much romance, you're doing pretty well! Be matter of fact and unashamed... though easier said than done, I know.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-14-2020, 01:54 AM
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im in the same boat, i havenever had a girlfriend and ive nver even ever had sex, and also i still live with my parents.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Compassion focused therapy.

Or this book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassiona.../dp/1472135903

And stop voluntarily comparing yourself to others. They have had a different life experience, they have different genes. Different upbringing. If you had lived next door things would have been a different matter.

Life isn't actually a race. As the stoics would say.. "forget your past, the time up to now is gone, imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have". Anything outside of this is a waste of time.

But compassion focused therapy is your best bet, really. Its a 3rd wave CBT therapy, highly recommend it (and that book). If you are really serious about fixing this problem, buy the book and do it. Your problem isn't fixed by magically getting the stuff you want, its by being compassionate to yourself (which includes strength, wisdom, and focused and dedicated action, as you will find out). Which unblocks you and lets you move forward.
fank oo will look into it.


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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 01:25 PM
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I usually focus on the things that set me apart from other people that I like, the good things that I've done, my morals.

but my dad called the other day and my brother was there also listening in which I didnt realise for a bit. dad has moved in with him. and together they tend to bring back bad feelings, judgement, etc. so yeah being around the environment that produced the bad feelings in the first place. everything is in place to reinforce bad stuff. so I hope to advance the level of my estrangement lol. I have control over that at least. I dont need them. most sources of negativity can be removed.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 01:31 PM
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It's not something I spend much time thinking about now until someone attacks me over it (which they sometimes do.) There's a point where you're so far from what everyone else is doing/how they are that it's just pointless to devote more time than necessary to thinking about it. From your post though you don't seem to be a loser really, maybe not the most successful person on the planet but honestly not many people can be.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 02:30 PM
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If you keep comparing yourself to others, you're bound to feel inadequate. Someone else has a relationship, but you don't yet. Someone else has moved out, but you haven't. But really, does it matter? If you're not where you want to be, or where others are yet, then that simply means that at this point of time that you're not there. You said that you're working on it, and that's great! In your situation, if that's the path you want to take in life to achieve your goals, then that's what you should do. Don't worry so much about what is deemed acceptable, about what the media considers right and wrong, and what others are doing at all times. Work hard on your venture, work towards your goals, and in time you'll get to where you want to be. It's honestly best to put your efforts into your own goals

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 02:57 PM
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I just became okay with it, I mean - ultimately does it really matter? Plus, Scientologist Beck Hansen made being a loser a cool thing back in the 90s.



I think for me, a healthy dose of nihilism, combined with hobbies and introversion made it easy to be a loser, I just don't care that much and don't want to be a winner, ya know? But, just because I'm okay with it, does not mean you are destined to live in a way you don't want to. I think RSXO gave a pretty good reply.

If it helps any, I don't think you're a loser.

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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cool Ice Dude55 View Post
Figured people here can relate....

No matter, what I do, comparing myself to literally EVERYONE is what I do best. And most people heave done bigger and better things than me...

Now....I know intellectually and rationally that everyone is on a different life path, life is not a race, everyone else might look like they're having a great time but inside could be a different story. Yes, I know that. But it just does not help me.

I'm about to be 28 and because of that I still feel like such a loser because I have not left home yet, had any sexual experience, or had a relationship. I feel so inadequate to people my age as they at least have done most of those things. The most basic things that most people my age have done. So yeah, I feel like a loser and I don't know how to stop these feelings. Sometimes you meet people and you know they are looking down on you for living at home. I mean technically I lived away from home for six months but that doesn't count as it was only six months and I wasn't paying bills or anything.

Now, there are a lot of logical reasons why I haven't had a partner or left home. I could list them all here but I don't want to bore you. It's not because I'm lazy or unmotivated. For example, I've spent the past year trying to build a fledgling business which is why I wouldn't have been smart for me to move out yet as I'm trying to grow a business etc. I also live in one of the most expensive cities in Europe. But adults that live at home get such a bad press in the media and it makes you feel awful.

But yeah, feeling and knowing you're behind on life and everyone your age is the worst I wish I didn't feel like such a loser.
If it's any consolation I often do too - and I'm probably your Dad's age. Plus I've done a long time ago all the things you mentioned - left home, had relationships etc, Jesus - I've raised a son, had a family, travelled quite a lot, done some things that many people would never do (and probably shouldn't) , but I still lie there at night worrying about what I didn't do. Or what I don't have - in comparison to people my age.

Where I live now (public housing) makes it slightly easier. Everyone here is here most likely because of the bad choices they've made in life, mental health issues or maybe just good old bad luck.

We do the best we can, that's all I can say. And to me you've always seemed like a kind and gentle person, that matters a lot more than whether you still live at home or not. Besides, I think that's pretty common nowadays anyway.
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-15-2020, 06:34 PM
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-20-2020, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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If it's any consolation I often do too - and I'm probably your Dad's age. Plus I've done a long time ago all the things you mentioned - left home, had relationships etc, Jesus - I've raised a son, had a family, travelled quite a lot, done some things that many people would never do (and probably shouldn't) , but I still lie there at night worrying about what I didn't do. Or what I don't have - in comparison to people my age.

Where I live now (public housing) makes it slightly easier. Everyone here is here most likely because of the bad choices they've made in life, mental health issues or maybe just good old bad luck.

We do the best we can, that's all I can say. And to me you've always seemed like a kind and gentle person, that matters a lot more than whether you still live at home or not. Besides, I think that's pretty common nowadays anyway.
Thank you


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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 09:48 PM
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-29-2020, 10:00 PM
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The brain is a comparison machine. I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to thank my mind for doing its job and then I return to taking actions that are aligned with my values. You can learn ACT from cheap self-help workbooks.


Pain is universal. Everybody will suffer loss and death. Nobody has a perfect life or perfect mental health.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-07-2020, 02:07 AM
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Compassion focused therapy.

Or this book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassiona.../dp/1472135903

And stop voluntarily comparing yourself to others. They have had a different life experience, they have different genes. Different upbringing. If you had lived next door things would have been a different matter.

Life isn't actually a race. As the stoics would say.. "forget your past, the time up to now is gone, imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have". Anything outside of this is a waste of time.

But compassion focused therapy is your best bet, really. Its a 3rd wave CBT therapy, highly recommend it (and that book). If you are really serious about fixing this problem, buy the book and do it. Your problem isn't fixed by magically getting the stuff you want, its by being compassionate to yourself (which includes strength, wisdom, and focused and dedicated action, as you will find out). Which unblocks you and lets you move forward.
Decent stuff. Compassionately written.
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 12:23 PM
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Compassion focused therapy.


And stop voluntarily comparing yourself to others. They have had a different life experience, they have different genes. Different upbringing. If you had lived next door things would have been a different matter.

Life isn't actually a race. As the stoics would say.. "forget your past, the time up to now is gone, imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have". Anything outside of this is a waste of time.
Very well said. I try to live by those statements but it is hard to sometimes. Forgetting the past being the toughest one for myself. Any tips on that one? I do like the idea like you said of "imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have".

Keeps you looking forward and setting goals on the future and not dwelling on the past
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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 12:29 PM
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Figured people here can relate....

No matter, what I do, comparing myself to literally EVERYONE is what I do best. And most people heave done bigger and better things than me...

Stop comparing yourself to others. Facebook really makes this bad for people. I looked at someone I went to school with on Facebook and they are now a successful Advertising Executive for a major company. He has a beautiful wife as well. So yea made me feel unaccomplished and behind him.

But he had a lot of advantages that I didnt have. No SA. Outgoing personality. Probaly not from a disfuncational family like I was from.

Amazing how much of life comes down to dumb luck. Just have to play the hand your dealt the best you can
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 12:44 PM
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Very well said. I try to live by those statements but it is hard to sometimes. Forgetting the past being the toughest one for myself. Any tips on that one? I do like the idea like you said of "imagine you were born this very moment and start living the best life you can, based on what you have".

Keeps you looking forward and setting goals on the future and not dwelling on the past
Try the guided meditations in my sig. I have actually been being a bit lazy on this myself, but yeh, I think you generally speaking shouldn't try to remove the past, or forcibly try to only think of the now, but accept that your mind is going to do this stuff, its what minds do, then kinda kindly remind yourself that the compassionate thing to do is to do the best for yourself with what you have.

It's very hard though. I slip into all or nothing thinking "I don't have x,y, I wont be able to get z, I have wasted so much time, theres no point". But the compassionate way to look at things is, imagine you were talking to a child, who had struggled to keep up with say, other children in school. You would gently and kindly encourage them, give them lots of special attention, prevent them focusing on what others were doing.

We have to treat outselves in the same way we would treat a child struggling.

And then, with that as a baseline, a more ACT approach, of recognising that thoughts are thoughts, feelings are feelings, but our behaviours aren't actually linked to them. They aren't.

Example, walk around your room and say to yourself "I can't walk around this room, I cant pick up this cup, I can't, blah" doing the things you are telling yourself you cant do.

So:

1. Kindness, treat self like a struggling child
2. ACT, don't fuse with your negative automatic thoughts or feelings. Use your executive control to make the best actions for you.

I don't know if this helps (and tbh, I am sorta writing this out for my own benefit atm ).

Compassion focused therapy audio, guided meditations:

https://balancedminds.com/audio/
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-09-2020, 01:46 PM
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Try the guided meditations in my sig. I have actually been being a bit lazy on this myself, but yeh, I think you generally speaking shouldn't try to remove the past, or forcibly try to only think of the now, but accept that your mind is going to do this stuff, its what minds do, then kinda kindly remind yourself that the compassionate thing to do is to do the best for yourself with what you have.

It's very hard though. I slip into all or nothing thinking "I don't have x,y, I wont be able to get z, I have wasted so much time, theres no point". But the compassionate way to look at things is, imagine you were talking to a child, who had struggled to keep up with say, other children in school. You would gently and kindly encourage them, give them lots of special attention, prevent them focusing on what others were doing.

We have to treat outselves in the same way we would treat a child struggling.

And then, with that as a baseline, a more ACT approach, of recognising that thoughts are thoughts, feelings are feelings, but our behaviours aren't actually linked to them. They aren't.

Example, walk around your room and say to yourself "I can't walk around this room, I cant pick up this cup, I can't, blah" doing the things you are telling yourself you cant do.

So:

1. Kindness, treat self like a struggling child
2. ACT, don't fuse with your negative automatic thoughts or feelings. Use your executive control to make the best actions for you.

I don't know if this helps (and tbh, I am sorta writing this out for my own benefit atm ).
I'd like to argue that self-compassion is a natural derivative of ACT, although it really has become more of its own thing now, with a lot of research papers about it.

Other than that, 100% agree with what you said.

I think it applies equally to anxiety-provoking social situations (fears about the future, how other people might perceive you) and situations where you have been rejected or turned down (like someone said they didn't want to be friends with you, they left you on read several times in a row even if you always text first, they gave you excuses to not hang out with you). A self-critical person would beat herself up thinking, it's all my fault, no one likes me, I'm a worthless loser. A self-compassionate person would be kind to herself and treat herself as her best friend (even if you didn't actually have a best friend yourself). She wouldn't call herself a worthless loser because she absolutely knows better than that. Failures are a part of life: not getting the job, being rejected romantically or platonically, having family issues. It's okay to think negative thoughts sometimes; we can't do away with them completely. However, it's really important not to buy too much into your thoughts. Not taking rejections personally, professional or interpersonal.

By the way, I've been job-seeking for four months straight now. Do I call myself an unemployed loser? No, it doesn't help me at all. The best I can do is persevere.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-10-2020, 12:56 PM
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I'd like to argue that self-compassion is a natural derivative of ACT, although it really has become more of its own thing now, with a lot of research papers about it.
I haven't looked into it, but compassion certainly forms a large part of ACT. The two are both 3rd wave CBT (they aren't really CBT tho lol), both "above" the minds chatter, not trying to "fight". Very compatible therapies for sure, and yeh, for myself they kinda fuse. My psychologist is a CFT one, but I favour ACT.

CFT sortof forces its values on you a bit, which is fine for me as they are compatible with my own. ACT helps you find your own. Did a cool exercise in ACT where you have to focus on a moment where you feel good, accomplished, happy, whatever, then draw without thinking the feeling. I was courageously chatting to a woman, and I drew sisyphus. Its that taking on a load, to grow stronger, just picking it up and getting on with it. I feel the most proud of myself doing this. Therefore its a primary value for me. Anyway, I digress lol.

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Other than that, 100% agree with what you said.

I think it applies equally to anxiety-provoking social situations (fears about the future, how other people might perceive you) and situations where you have been rejected or turned down (like someone said they didn't want to be friends with you, they left you on read several times in a row even if you always text first, they gave you excuses to not hang out with you).
Very much so. You can double up here and use the stoic dichotomy of control.. you can't control others behaviour. You can control how you react to it, and then, you can also react to it in a compassionate way.
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A self-critical person would beat herself up thinking, it's all my fault, no one likes me, I'm a worthless loser. A self-compassionate person would be kind to herself and treat herself as her best friend (even if you didn't actually have a best friend yourself). She wouldn't call herself a worthless loser because she absolutely knows better than that. Failures are a part of life: not getting the job, being rejected romantically or platonically, having family issues. It's okay to think negative thoughts sometimes; we can't do away with them completely. However, it's really important not to buy too much into your thoughts. Not taking rejections personally, professional or interpersonal.
Yup. The thing is too, when you take a risk, ask someone out, do a job interview, step way outside your comfort zone, how would you treat a child here? Encouragement, kindness, congratulations. To react critically to such a thing is the kind of thing a terrible parent would do, totally stops the behaviour in the future, worsens the anxiety around it, and so on... so I try to:

1. Adopt my compassion stance and friendly expression (CFT) -super super important as it keeps me more in the soothing mode.
2. Set a goal that is within my control (stoic). Say, asking out a girl. The asking is in my control, that is my part of it. If she is mad enough to say no, her problem .
3. Use ACT to encourage myself (gently) to be courageous. Its my values. Leap.
4. Remember what I can and cant control (stoic)
5. Pick up the emotions and thoughts due to meditation practice
6. Remind myself anxiety is normal, accept the racing pulse, dont fuse with it (ACT). Accept it, all.
7. Be compassionate with myself for being courageous (CFT). Remind myself other people might react badly, they may have been having a bad day, may have had a bad childhood, whatever! (CFT), remind myself I can't control others (stoic).

This is the ideal. Then remind myself ofc I wont get this perfect (CFT), but its what I am going for.

To go even further, rejections are growth opportunities. Someone who can react well to rejections is a very strong person. Stoic approach would be to see them like fuel to put on your fire, then you can grow and take on more.

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By the way, I've been job-seeking for four months straight now. Do I call myself an unemployed loser? No, it doesn't help me at all. The best I can do is persevere.
Similar situation myself, though only been searching for a month ish. Definitely be kind to yourself. You are doing everything you can do, within reason, the secondary goal is to keep yourself in good mental health throughout it (maybe its the primary goal tbh). Criticism doesn't help.

Hang in there though. We will get there .

Compassion focused therapy audio, guided meditations:

https://balancedminds.com/audio/
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