How to embrace the loner life? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
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How to embrace the loner life?


This isnt me throwing in the towel because of crippling anxiety...but because im okay socially, im not intimidated by people anymore, i can make people laugh ect... But

Despite all this... I havent been able to form long lasting genuine connections. Those Ive opened up to were just shady 2 faced peole...and no one really invites me out so... Idk wth is going on..but i dont want to worry about it a second longer..


So... How do i embrace the loner lifestyle and embrace solitude?

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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 07:51 PM
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Keep oneself busy with something.
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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 08:30 PM
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Set goals or focus on improving yourself.

The best thing about having no friends is you're not locked into a particular lifestyle where your friends expect a predictable pattern out of you. If you decide to make a 180 in your life and pursue a new passion, you can without being criticized or questioned for it.
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 09:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RelinquishedHell View Post
If you decide to make a 180 in your life and pursue a new passion, you can without being criticized or questioned for it.
Lol this aspect of humans XD
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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 10:00 PM
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I've learned to turn lemons into lemonade. Just by embracing my loneliness and learning to by content and make my own fun. I only have a few good, close friends who I hang out with maybe once a month, but being alone is pretty underrated I'm learning. Seeing people get betrayed by fake friends and significant others while I'm just chilling with cat at home playing video games makes me more grateful.

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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 11:27 PM
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For me. I've just come to understand that my interactions with other people are often unfulfilling and just downright disappointing.

People will give you meager advice as "you just have to try" when it comes to socialization and well I have and it has never worked out for me. This has lead to some nights shrouded in misery as I would ponder my circumstances and just why I can't connect with people; but with each passing day, I reach a better understanding.

I prefer to be alone. I will never be a socialite. I distract myself with video games and pointless internet browsing for now but I also am beginning work on 4 novels and my musical aspirations.

I make friends with my loneliness. If no one else will be my friend then dammit I will be my own friend and I'll be the best damn friend there ever was. As psychotic as it may sound, I also take the time to have internal and external conversations with myself as if I were another person. It works for me. Don't care what others think of it.

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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 11:48 PM
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You could be a chaotic person, like me. I get along with people well, but rarely maintain connection for long, simply because I like meeting new people and get bored with the people I've known for a while - so they eventually drift away, seeing the lack of interest from my side. There is probably only one person right now I keep in touch with every day, and 2-3 more people I talk to from time to time - that's it.

In my case, I don't need to embrace it, because I like it the way it is. I like the feeling of personal freedom I have, when I don't have to go out of my way to please someone. A lot of my acquaintances who have a lot of friends constantly get messages from them, requests to hang out, etc. - I would go crazy were I to be barraged by messages and invites like that.

Keep in mind that a life with no lasting relationships =/= "loner life". Not even close! You can be surrounded by people all the time if you so desire by just going out and do things, and you don't have to worry about them liking you, as tomorrow you will be interacting with a different group of people. Win-win! As long as this lifestyle works for you, at least.

It helps to have 1-2 really close friends, but even that doesn't have to be a necessity, depending on your character.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 11:23 AM
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Quote:
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you don't have to worry about them liking you, as tomorrow you will be interacting with a different group of people.
social confidence? who has that?

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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:04 PM
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For me it's just a case of realising how ****e people are and realising I'm better off without that hassle and drama.


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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:09 PM
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I can't be happy being alone, lonely. Just can't do it!
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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:18 PM
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Get turnt! jk i think coping is all any1 can do to get through the day without asking too many questions. Guided meditation and yoga, going on walks at night, eat great food and learning new recipes all the time with no1 to complain about my cooking.. All I do is question my surroundings which i need to work on.
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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:26 PM
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I think the loner lifestyle should only be embraced by people who desire that lifestyle. If you feel like it's your cross to bear than, to me, better not to embrace it. The term loner seems like something cast upon someone as opposed to a solitary lifestyle which seems like more of a conscious choice.

...you gotta keep the goal in mind, develop tunnel vision to a certain extent. it's hard, and it's not for everyone.

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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:39 PM
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You're better off than me OP for social skills. I am still very awkward and can't make people laugh, or even often take me seriously. I'm somewhat less intimidated , while still am with some certain types of people. I guess these days in general I don't try to totally hide away and will try to bear through some situations attempting to look "relaxed". All while still being in a loner hermit life. Some things of my loner life and shame I got used to over the years. Mostly eating at home, not going out in public except at night. Often doing necessary shopping at evening hours. Always using drive through and never inside counter for fast food. Still using a flip phone. Never using a microphone with the computer. Using headphones instead of speakers at home while afraid to alert the neighbors with noise, etc. Things here and there like that.
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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:53 PM
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i have given up with 30 pretty much. at first it hurt like hell but now its all numb.

for me personally things like "keep yourself busy" etc didnt work. for me what worked in the end, is that i got older and naturally with age there come less wasted opportunities in life.

the other thing that helped me, was just a mental thing. i realized not only logically but on an emotional level too, that there are hundrets of thousands of people in this world, who are alone. very many people are alone after 70 for instance. even with 60 sometimes.

and there are always young people out there, who are in the same boat as i am. they have been alone their whole life and they will still be alone when they die.

so i guess in the end you could say that i found "stenght" in numbers. its no cure but it makes it easier (at least for me) to know that there are thousands of people who are living the way i am living in one way or another.

just in china alone, there are 30 million men who will never get a girlfriend because they have not enough women there. in japan the shutins are called hikikomori and 10.000+ people live that way. secluded from society.

so it helps to focus on that.

it also helps if you have the ability to be "enough for yourself". if you can read or play videogames and if you are introverted.

i read books, i write short stories and i try to write books (amateur not professionally, i only write to get better hopefully), i play videogames, i watch movies etc.
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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 03:28 PM
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It's a lot easier to be loner, like **** all people, I don't need them, that's better way for me, at least I can live how I want...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 03:45 PM
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If you can support yourself the main trick to embracing being a loner is accepting it and not wanting more social activity than you have. Some people can and some can't. The issue is that other people clearly don't want you to embrace it but also want nothing to do with you if you're not just like them.

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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie101 View Post
This isnt me throwing in the towel because of crippling anxiety...but because im okay socially, im not intimidated by people anymore, i can make people laugh ect... But

Despite all this... I havent been able to form long lasting genuine connections. Those Ive opened up to were just shady 2 faced peole...and no one really invites me out so... Idk wth is going on..but i dont want to worry about it a second longer..


So... How do i embrace the loner lifestyle and embrace solitude?
It doesn't sound like you want to live a solitary life - and I can relate to that, it would be horrible. It sounds like you've met the wrong people.

Maybe take a break from people for a while and recharge your batteries - then get back out there and try again. Hope you meet some nicer people soon anyway.
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 08:41 PM
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I think you have to like yourself in order to be able to like other people. It's kind of like, hey, look how great I am! Let me tell you about me! Me, me, me, me! That's why people like being around other people. Sometimes, anyway.

Loneliness is not about being alone; it's about not feeling connected.
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-09-2019, 04:27 AM
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it also depends on the perspective you have.

most people today want to live "happy lives" with money and good looking partners etc. they want to live the life they see others have on tv or on youtube/social media.

with that come weird expectations. if you read old books like i do, you see that life in earlier times mostly was "work, a little bit of free time and then you die".

today life is all about how much stuff you have, how big your house is, how much money you make, what you can afford etc.

what people dont see is that its perfectly possible to life a happy normal/boring life, without all that fake crap social media or youtube wants us to have. you can live a happy life without much money. you can life a happy life without a person who loves you.

its harder for some people than for others, but its possible.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 05-09-2019, 07:23 AM
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Some people prefer to be alone. Some people prefer not to be alone. Whether or not you can accept a loner lifestyle depends mostly on your preference, which is not directly under your control.

Preferences are rooted in very complex arrangements of different factors. If people could directly control their preferences everyone would be living a perfectly healthy lifestyle and be in loving relationships and there would be no violence, poverty, etc. The idea that you can directly alter most of your preferences is a pipedream. It may happen that, through various circumstances, and various reframes, your preference changes, but it's not the kind of thing that anyone can tell you how to do. Everyone got to their preference through idiosyncratic ways that won't work for anyone else. You can't give everyone in the city the same directions to the store -- turn left, walk 2 blocks, turn right, etc. -- because everyone's starting from a different location.

So, is it possible to live a happy life without ever being in a romantic relationship? Yes, it does happen. Lots of people are happier that way. But people also win Nobel prizes and Olympic medals. There's a difference between "possible" and "likely". For most people, it's easier to get into relationships over and over again until they find one that works than it is to be happy alone. That's why our culture is obsessed with romance. (It has nothing to do with brainwashing. It's just basic human psychology.)

But some people are never going to find their way to accepting it, or accepting certain other things. And trying to find that acceptance, instead of trying to satisfy a preference, when satisfying that preference is equally possible, can be very destructive. (For starters, it can be a way to avoid dealing with the problems that are preventing you from finding a relationship, effectively consolidating your dysfunction instead of eliminating it.)

If you're trying to change your preference you have to be very clear before you start whether or not you're indulging in self-harm or unhealthy thinking. Because, ime, most of the time, that's what trying to change a preference amounts to.

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