Iím gonna sum things up quickly. I have to vent
Lately, Iíve been sentimental and sad about a lot in life. Not only has this year brought struggle to others but my personal life has also been changed tremendously.
My brother moved out of my momís house to live with his girlfriend. He started seeing her in March and since then they really grew on each other. Whearas I slept with like 5 different girls since then. I always started talking to them with the intention of being in a relationship but it always ends badly for me. Iím now seeing a different girl and even though she isnít the type i normally go for, I feel really comfortable around her more than Iíve ever ever felt around any other girl. The other night she was talking about how men use her sexually and doesnít want me to be like that. I donít know what came over me but when she started crying, I cried too. Ive never cried in front of a woman as Iíve always felt like nothing really mattered to me. However, our relationship is strange. Weíre monagomous but for the most part all we ever do is have long conversations, get high and sleep together. We donít go out anywhere. But i shared parts of me with her that i never share with anyone.
And since my brother moved out, Iíve been getting high often and drinking often because it makes my sadness subside. I miss him. I feel like my life is empty and void of fun without him but I understand that he has to move on.. I feel like this girl came into my life just in time. Ive been spending more time with her since heís been gone. I miss the days where we were both single and living with my mom. Now Iím gonna be 30 next month and still have not found someone to marry.. my brother is younger than me but he already moved out. I feel a mix of jealousy and sadness.. Iím jealous that heís loved and in love whereas ive never been in love. Iím jealous that heís living my dream life and Iím still living at home. But Iím sad that our days of goofing around and playing ps4 are over. He was my best friend. I just want my brother back.. Iíd take back my love life if things could go back to the way they used to be.
Also, I got fired from my job which is depressing because I tried so hard to stick it out but the tasks were so hard and I couldnít hold on. It was inevitable.. now Iím trying to get unemployment benefits and putting apps.
On top of that, my health isnít so good either. Ive been passing kidney stones and need dental care.
All of this together makes me wish I was a child again and my brother was with me. I wish it was 2001 and we were just kids. I donít want this life.. my future is bleak. I understand our life can only be as good as we allow it to be and that we are in charge but Iím weak. Thereís a lot in life that I canít do.. I look for every escape I can find these days including sleep.
Also, it might not be a big deal but my pet rabbit died a few days ago and it really put me in a depression. Life is changing and falling apart all around me and I feel trapped and chained. I want out.. I want my life to get better or I donít want it at all.