How ****ing Awful Is My Life - Page 4 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #61 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 06:59 AM
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Told my therapist that if going back to retail was my only option, and that I had nothing else to look forward to, I'd probably just kill myself. Don't think she liked that much, but it's true. When your life gets to a certain point, it's just not worth living.

I'd need 2 or 3 retail jobs to make enough to cover my expenses, since most of those jobs are probably only going to give me about 10 hours a week. And it would probably take me years to get that many jobs and I'd probably lose my house by then anyway. And I still wouldn't have health insurance.

All that running around, riding buses, juggling jobs, dealing with customers who treat you like ****, bosses who treat you like ****, because they all think you're a freak, in pain all the time, dealing with migraines and vertigo, just so that you can come home and spend all night feeling like you need to puke, not get any sleep, and then do it all over again.

Surely people can understand that. I mean, I'm not looking for handouts. I don't think anyone should get stuck paying my bills. I just want someone to help me make a nice easy exit. (I didn't tell her that, though.)

Might be different if I had someone to live for, but I don't and I never will.
You seem to deeply hate retail jobs? What was the trigger? I also dislike doing that. And I noticed that people are becoming more rude over the time. They distrust you. Ask you questions but are not pleased by the answer etc.

Society is sick

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #62 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 07:13 AM
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Would you be interested in a work from home job teaching Chinese children English?
I recently found out about this company Qkids because I was interested in getting experience so that I can apply for the JET program, and apparently there's others like it such as Dada ABC and VIPkid as well. People seem to really like it, although the classes can start pretty early due to the timezone (4:30 - 7:00 CST for Qkids).

I can't speak from personal experience on any of them yet, because I'm still doing ESL volunteering on the side to get some experience for them before I can apply, but their reviews seem pretty positive.



"So many resources keep me alive
Yet I don't even step outside
So many sacrifices keep me alive
Yet I don't even bother to survive."



"If you think we waste too much then you can sacrifice yourself
Don't push your values
Push your values
Onto the crowd."


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post #63 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-10-2019, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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You know what might be amazing for you Truant, an at home customer service job. Only via phone and computer. It's hard to find a good legit one, but they are definitely out there. Usually large, well known companies need reps. Like American Express is always hiring remote customer service agents and with your experience in retail and sales you may be a shoo in. I've heard the pay is pretty good, plus bonuses, all from the comfort of your own home.

And I wonder if your therapist can set you up with a career counselor. Sometimes others may see options or have connections that we have no idea even exist. Good luck to you!

Edit- idk why that post reads so perky. I'm in hr 12 of a 16 hr shift. I think I've become delirious. Pray for me. Any deity will do. Dealer's choice.
Being perky is okay. I hope you survived your shift. That's a really long time to be working! I prayed to Cthulhu. Hope it helped.

I appreciate the suggestion (really!) but I'm actually really bad at sales. Partly because I hate it. I was good at the operational stuff, and managing staff, and resolving customer disputes, but I can't sell stuff to save my life. I just don't have the heart to talk people into buying stuff they don't want or need. And I'm the opposite of aggressive, which you have to be if you want to get sales. I don't think any company would keep me for long even if I did manage to get a job. The numbers just wouldn't be there. (I was in sales for 13 years and I don't think I ever hit my quota.)

Plus, using a phone is difficult for me. I have some serious issues with my 'presentation' (my appearance and the sound of my voice). I never take pictures. I can't even look at myself in a mirror. Voice chat and videoconferencing are right out. (Presentation issues -- which I think is mostly gender dysphoria -- are what actually finally drove me to therapy.)

I realize all of this sounds completely crazy, btw. Are there any jobs where all I have to do is just text people without trying to sell them anything? Cause I could do that. I'll pretend to be anyone's friend for $20 an hour.

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You seem to deeply hate retail jobs? What was the trigger? I also dislike doing that. And I noticed that people are becoming more rude over the time. They distrust you. Ask you questions but are not pleased by the answer etc.

Society is sick
That people are rude and suspicious is annoying but it doesn't bother me that much. I was actually pretty good at resolving customer disputes. I never really took it personally.

Aside from the stuff I wrote above about being bad at sales, IRL people often trigger my OCD (intrusive thoughts of violence). My OCD is pretty distressing and can lead to panic attacks and nausea. Working a sales floor is especially hard on me because if I'm startled I'm liable to have an episode. Some days it's like putting an arachnophobe in an aquarium filled with tarantulas. I'm better behind a counter because people can't come up behind me.

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Originally Posted by AffinityWing View Post
Would you be interested in a work from home job teaching Chinese children English?
I recently found out about this company Qkids because I was interested in getting experience so that I can apply for the JET program, and apparently there's others like it such as Dada ABC and VIPkid as well. People seem to really like it, although the classes can start pretty early due to the timezone (4:30 - 7:00 CST for Qkids).

I can't speak from personal experience on any of them yet, because I'm still doing ESL volunteering on the side to get some experience for them before I can apply, but their reviews seem pretty positive.
Um, well, I only have a hs education and about grade 4 grammar?* You need some kind of qualification for that, don't you? And I have some pretty serious issues with video (see above). Thanks for the suggestion!

* I'm no better at remembering grammar rules than I am at remembering math rules.

----------

Posts like this remind me why I should really just go ahead and kill myself. I mean, there's a reason my life is a mess. I don't blame anyone for thinking I'm just making excuses or whatever. It sounds like that to me, too.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #64 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-10-2019, 07:22 AM
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Um, well, I only have a hs education and about grade 4 grammar?* You need some kind of qualification for that, don't you? And I have some pretty serious issues with video (see above). Thanks for the suggestion!

* I'm no better at remembering grammar rules than I am at remembering math rules.
Yeah, you'll need to have a degree or currently be pursuing one for Qkids.

There's a whole subreddit for work from home jobs!

https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkOnline/

I found a reddit post on it that listed some others English tutor jobs for which you won't need a degree. (I don't know if there any that won't require you to at least be in college, though)

https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkOnline/..._jobs/dz3qq05/



"So many resources keep me alive
Yet I don't even step outside
So many sacrifices keep me alive
Yet I don't even bother to survive."



"If you think we waste too much then you can sacrifice yourself
Don't push your values
Push your values
Onto the crowd."


Mili
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post #65 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-10-2019, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by AffinityWing View Post
Yeah, you'll need to have a degree or currently be pursuing one for Qkids.

There's a whole subreddit for work from home jobs!

https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkOnline/

I found a reddit post on it that listed some others English tutor jobs for which you won't need a degree. (I don't know if there any that won't require you to at least be in college, though)

https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkOnline/..._jobs/dz3qq05/
I've looked at a lot of work from home stuff. That's actually how I ended up in self-publishing. Because, at the time, it was the most lucrative option. But I got into it too late and missed the big money and now everyone's working for peanuts. I did surveys for a while, but I didn't even qualify for a lot of them. Transcription rates are obscenely low and a lot of people get booted once they've been doing them a while. I had a gaming blog and wrote freelance articles, too, but it's pretty hard to get pagereads and ad clicks.

Honestly, a lot of the problem right now is that I just find it hard to motivate myself to do anything. I just feel like there's no point even trying anymore. I gave it my best shot, it didn't work, and now I'm ready to move on.

I do, as always, appreciate the suggestions. I never really looked in the ESL stuff. Languages were never my forte.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #66 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 04:09 AM
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I'm surprised you were denied for government assistance or disability benefits. It sounds like you have some legitimate physical and mental health disorders that would qualify you for some kind of relief - What were their reasons in turning you down? Have you filed any appeals?

It is hard to make a living when your health is poor, you are always stressed, and worrying about providing for others. I'm genuinely sorry that you're suffering this much... it's a whole lot of problems.
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post #67 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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I'm surprised you were denied for government assistance or disability benefits. It sounds like you have some legitimate physical and mental health disorders that would qualify you for some kind of relief - What were their reasons in turning you down? Have you filed any appeals?

It is hard to make a living when your health is poor, you are always stressed, and worrying about providing for others. I'm genuinely sorry that you're suffering this much... it's a whole lot of problems.
I haven't applied for disability because I haven't been able to get a family doctor and only recently got a therapist, so there was no one to file a claim. In any case, the regulations are fairly clear and I don't qualify. They don't give out disability to people with "a lot of problems". You need to be diagnosed with a medical condition that prevents you from working. If you can wash and feed yourself and hold a coherent conversation you're not ill enough to qualify for disability here in Ontario. Most of the 35,000 homeless people wandering around Canada probably have problems like mine; too dysfunctional to work or meet welfare obligations, but not dysfunctional enough to qualify for disability. (The technical term for people like that is "lazy and irresponsible".)

 

My sister was recently diagnosed with PTSD. At the time she applied for disability, she was paranoid, delusional, combative, and suicidal and she lost her job as a result of her behavior. She was also pregnant and had just been evicted. Her therapist applied for disability and her claim was denied. Her appeal was also denied. If I hadn't let her stay with me, she would have been homeless, along with her bf, who has an anxiety disorder with psychotic delusions, who was also denied disability. (I let him live in my garage.)


If I am wrong, and I do qualify, my therapist will presumably know. She knows what my situation is.

I haven't applied for welfare because it would be pointless. The maximum amount I could make, once they deduct my current income, is $400 a month. Which in total would still be less than my monthly expenses. And for that, I'd have to be out applying for jobs every day, going to the temp agency for day jobs, going to job skills training programs, etc. Well, you know, if I could do that kind of thing, I would just get a job, because I've been on welfare and being on welfare is hell.

The whole reason I'm in the mess I'm in is because I can't do the kind of things that you have to do to qualify for assistance. It took me months just to get up the nerve to call the MH support hotline. It took me decades to get the nerve to talk to a therapist. If my options are (i) scrounging for temp work every day as a hated minority and (ii) killing myself it's not really a difficult decision for me.

And I'm not expecting anyone to fix it. These are my problems, not anyone else's. I just wish they'd make it easier for people like me to exit gracefully when it's obvious that the situation is beyond fixing.

But I have my procedure tomorrow, and I had some complications with the anesthesia last time, so with any luck, I'll just go to sleep and never wake up. That would be the best thing for everyone. If not, there's always a chance I have a terminal illness. Less pleasant, but at least it gives me some kind of timeframe. I can spend the rest of my life doing hookers and blow.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #68 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 12:42 PM
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But I have my procedure tomorrow, and I had some complications with the anesthesia last time, so with any luck, I'll just go to sleep and never wake up. That would be the best thing for everyone. If not, there's always a chance I have a terminal illness. Less pleasant, but at least it gives me some kind of timeframe. I can spend the rest of my life doing hookers and blow.

Hope the procedure goes well.

"It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. There's no escaping that."
Stephen Colbert
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post #69 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-12-2019, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
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Well, I survived. Which is a shame. I really wanted my last words to be, "I can spend the rest of my life doing hookers and blow."

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Hope the procedure goes well.
Thanks. Had its highs and lows.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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