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post #41 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Pretty dumb system. It is pointless to pay the medical consultation but not the meds the Dr prescribes.
I've always thought so.

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The only solution for you is to find a job that would get you "health insurance". I know it is difficult, but could improve your life.
[Negative Nancy time]: It's very unlikely I'd be able to get a job with health benefits in less than a year and it could take much longer. (There's a reason 37% of workers don't have them.)

Also, the only thing I'm qualified for is retail, and it was working in retail that made me sick. (My gastro actually told me to get a less stressful job.) It's kind of counterproductive to get a job that makes my medical condition worse so that I can get benefits to pay for the medication that lets me keep doing a job that keeps making my health worse. Though I understand that this is considered "logical" by most people, who don't experience SA and have no idea that chronic anxiety can ruin a person's health.

Note that I'm not saying that people should just give me free benefits. I'm not saying I deserve any help. It's not anyone else's fault my life is messed up. I just need to vent sometimes.

Thanks, for the comments.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #42 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 08:17 PM
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I hope at least some of your problems get better soon. I'm sorry life/society won't give you a break. This isn't really related and doesn't help your stress but to add to the good vibes of this thread, I want to say I always enjoy your posts and have even gotten some good chuckles and much needed wisdom out of them. So thanks for being you, or at least as much you as you can be here.


"How could you tell if your instincts were just hope in disguise, and if your hope was really desperation parading as possibility?" ~Laini Taylor
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post #43 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
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Updates!


So I go up to the clinic today, armed with a folder full of scientific studies showing the benefits of LDN for people with ulcerative colitis. I'm going to try to talk the doctor into giving me a prescription. (I have the dosages, side-effects, counter-indications, compounding recipe, and even a compounding pharmacy ready to process my prescription.) I wait for an hour. (Very fast for this clinic!)

Dr. Clinic Guy askes me why I'm there. I remind him that he was supposed to refer me to the hospital for a scope and that it had been several weeks and I hadn't heard anything. He checks my file. He sees a note from the hospital: "We regret to inform you that, owing to the high volume of people requesting a referral, we are not able to provide you with a referral at this time." (<-- Pretty much verbatim.) The hospital has flat-out refused to see me. Such is the state of the health-industrial complex in glorious Canuckistan!

Dr. Clinic Guy is kind of embarrassed about this. Fortunately, the hospital has passed the hot potato to my old gastro and there's a second letter: "We regret to inform you that [Dr. Previous Gastro] is retired. [Dr. New Gastro] will be taking over his former patients." Okay, so not a total bust. Someone's holding the potato. But the letter is from over a week ago and nobody has told me anything yet; probably because they're still waiting for Dr. New Gastro to contact them.

That out of the way, I inform Dr. Clinic Guy that I'm in a lot of discomfort and would like a prescription for the inflammation/pain while I wait for my scope. He tells me, "That's not my specialty. I have no idea what to prescribe you." This might seem like a bad thing, but no. The fool has walked right into my trap! I seize my chance:

"Well," says I, "it just so happens I've been doing some research and I'd like to try this drug I've been hearing good things about..." I pull out my folder.

Instantly, Dr. Clinic Guy is vigorously shaking his head and backing away from me, like I've just produced a live cobra. "No. Nope. I can't do it. Sorry." He won't even let me talk. He doesn't want to hear about Crazy Internet Drug. I think he's actually sweating as he visualizes the ensuing complications: a dead patient, a lawsuit from my aggrieved parents, a lost medical license, staring down the barrel of a Jack Daniel's as he sits, homeless and unloved, outside an Asian Food Mart. So no dice on the LDN. But at least I tried. He directs me to an urgent care clinic all the way across town, but I doubt they'll be any more receptive than he is. The hot potato passes once again.

Anyway, I leave. I go to the library, my second home. Not 45 minutes after I've left the clinic, I get a call from Dr. New Gastro's receptionist. She sounds like she's out of breath. She's very apologetic and asks me if I'm available for an appointment over a month from now. I tell her I'll have to check my schedule, but I'll try to pencil it in. (I don't say that. I say yes.) So I'm pretty sure Dr. Clinic Guy has called them and put some pressure on them because he's afraid I'll come back with some other harebrained scheme and he's just so, so done with me. So my trek has not been a complete waste of time.

-- In Other News --

Yes, I'm being very proactive. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I was turned away for MH issues at the clinic. They don't assist in that capacity there and didn't know where to direct me. Fortunately, I found a support site online and emailed them, asking specifically how I could get an appointment with a therapist if I don't have a GP and can't get a referral. They replied with a form email with a list of links and (I **** you not) every one of the links requires a referral from a GP. Either their reading comprehension is near zero, they didn't read my email at all, or they have trolls manning the inbox.

But, undeterred, I go back to the site. This time, I open a direct chat with one of their no doubt highly trained "facilitators" (facile-a-taters?) I explain my situation a second time. Fortunately, this person is actually helpful. Mr. Facile-a-Tater provides me with a link to what appears to be a clinic for people with MH issues that accepts walk-in patients. So perhaps not all is lost on the MH front, either! I still have to contact them and find out if I can just walk in without an appointment, and how it all works, but at least I'm making progress. At this rate, I might even live to see the New Year!

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #44 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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I hope at least some of your problems get better soon. I'm sorry life/society won't give you a break. This isn't really related and doesn't help your stress but to add to the good vibes of this thread, I want to say I always enjoy your posts and have even gotten some good chuckles and much needed wisdom out of them. So thanks for being you, or at least as much you as you can be here.
Thanks, megatheriidae!

Incidentally, when I was a kid* I was obsessed with dinosaurs and prehistoric mammals. I actually had a little plastic giant ground sloth. Which I remember whenever I see your username.

* Who am I kidding? I still am.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #45 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 01:20 AM
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@truant good news about the scope . Hope you are able to get seen for mental health stuff. Fingers crossed for ya.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #46 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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@truant good news about the scope . Hope you are able to get seen for mental health stuff. Fingers crossed for ya.
Thanks, Bob.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #47 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-19-2019, 07:31 AM
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Thanks, megatheriidae!

Incidentally, when I was a kid* I was obsessed with dinosaurs and prehistoric mammals. I actually had a little plastic giant ground sloth. Which I remember whenever I see your username.

* Who am I kidding? I still am.
I'm glad my username brings up fond memories for you. I've always loved sloths, so when I discovered that there used to be gigantic ground sloths roaming around I got very excited. I've always been fascinated with creatures like that, that fill you with awe because of their size/abilities/appearance but also because all of that just makes them so dang scary. I'll just start googling stuff about them when I'm bored sometimes, although I don't have much time to be bored anymore.


"How could you tell if your instincts were just hope in disguise, and if your hope was really desperation parading as possibility?" ~Laini Taylor
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post #48 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-19-2019, 10:15 AM Thread Starter
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I'm glad my username brings up fond memories for you. I've always loved sloths, so when I discovered that there used to be gigantic ground sloths roaming around I got very excited. I've always been fascinated with creatures like that, that fill you with awe because of their size/abilities/appearance but also because all of that just makes them so dang scary. I'll just start googling stuff about them when I'm bored sometimes, although I don't have much time to be bored anymore.
I love sloths, too! They're nature's huggers. My friend thinks they're creepy.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #49 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
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More Updates


So, after a particularly bad day, I finally decide it's time to call the MH people. I'm at the end of my rope (not swinging from it, alas) and decide "enough's enough" and force myself -- force myself (2 hours staring at the phone) -- to call the ****ing number that I got 3 weeks ago.

First time, they hang up on me without so much as a how-do-ya-do.

"Welp, God doesn't want me to get better," I say and almost throw in the towel.

But, "No, truant. Bad, truant. Call them again," I say. I force myself to call them back.

This time I get a lovely women who sounds like the mom you wish you had because she's so kind and sympathetic. It starts with Q&A: no, never been to counseling; no, I don't have a GP, so I can't get a referral; no, group therapy does not sound like a good ****ing idea to me. I can't even stand in a line-up without feeling sick to my stomach; there's no way in hell I'm going to wander into a room full of strangers and play "how crazy is this guy?"

Finally, she points me in the direction of a counseling center that does 6 hours of walk-ins a week. (A week!) It's not free. It's on a sliding scale, so I'm going to get dinged for something or other, but this is the absolute best you can do here. There's no free MH lunch in Canada. Not so much as a Jell-o. But at least it's a start. A walk-in I can handle. Assuming I can get there because it's all the way across the ****ing city and I can't get on a bus without having a panic attack. (Or an uge to lie down in front of it.) But I have an address and a date and a follow-up call to see how it went (if I decide to go).

But apparently I've said something flaggy. Ruh-roh! (It was 'self-destruct' that did it. Stupid mistake, but I was nervous.)

She keeps me on the phone for an additional half-hour. I have to quickly skim through a bunch of my problems (because everything is interconnected and you can't understand one part of me without knowing something about the other part) and as I'm doing so, she becomes increasingly alarmed. I have to reassure her, multiple times, that I have no immediate plans to play pope-on-a-rope and that I'm not going to go dingo and eat somebody's baby. Finally, she decides I'm no immediate danger to self or others and lets me go with an attaboy.

I'm proud of amazed at myself for taking this step. And now I feel like throwing up and probably won't sleep for a week.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #50 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 11:12 PM
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So, after a particularly bad day, I finally decide it's time to call the MH people. I'm at the end of my rope (not swinging from it, alas) and decide "enough's enough" and force myself -- force myself (2 hours staring at the phone) -- to call the ****ing number that I got 3 weeks ago.

First time, they hang up on me without so much as a how-do-ya-do.

"Welp, God doesn't want me to get better," I say and almost throw in the towel.

But, "No, truant. Bad, truant. Call them again," I say. I force myself to call them back.

This time I get a lovely women who sounds like the mom you wish you had because she's so kind and sympathetic. It starts with Q&A: no, never been to counseling; no, I don't have a GP, so I can't get a referral; no, group therapy does not sound like a good ****ing idea to me. I can't even stand in a line-up without feeling sick to my stomach; there's no way in hell I'm going to wander into a room full of strangers and play "how crazy is this guy?"

Finally, she points me in the direction of a counseling center that does 6 hours of walk-ins a week. (A week!) It's not free. It's on a sliding scale, so I'm going to get dinged for something or other, but this is the absolute best you can do here. There's no free MH lunch in Canada. Not so much as a Jell-o. But at least it's a start. A walk-in I can handle. Assuming I can get there because it's all the way across the ****ing city and I can't get on a bus without having a panic attack. (Or an uge to lie down in front of it.) But I have an address and a date and a follow-up call to see how it went (if I decide to go).

But apparently I've said something flaggy. Ruh-roh! (It was 'self-destruct' that did it. Stupid mistake, but I was nervous.)

She keeps me on the phone for an additional half-hour. I have to quickly skim through a bunch of my problems (because everything is interconnected and you can't understand one part of me without knowing something about the other part) and as I'm doing so, she becomes increasingly alarmed. I have to reassure her, multiple times, that I have no immediate plans to play pope-on-a-rope and that I'm not going to go dingo and eat somebody's baby. Finally, she decides I'm no immediate danger to self or others and lets me go with an attaboy.

I'm proud of amazed at myself for taking this step. And now I feel like throwing up and probably won't sleep for a week.


Congrats on your courage.

/WYSD
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post #51 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 08:28 AM
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So, after a particularly bad day, I finally decide it's time to call the MH people. I'm at the end of my rope (not swinging from it, alas) and decide "enough's enough" and force myself -- force myself (2 hours staring at the phone) -- to call the ****ing number that I got 3 weeks ago.

First time, they hang up on me without so much as a how-do-ya-do.

"Welp, God doesn't want me to get better," I say and almost throw in the towel.

But, "No, truant. Bad, truant. Call them again," I say. I force myself to call them back.

This time I get a lovely women who sounds like the mom you wish you had because she's so kind and sympathetic. It starts with Q&A: no, never been to counseling; no, I don't have a GP, so I can't get a referral; no, group therapy does not sound like a good ****ing idea to me. I can't even stand in a line-up without feeling sick to my stomach; there's no way in hell I'm going to wander into a room full of strangers and play "how crazy is this guy?"

Finally, she points me in the direction of a counseling center that does 6 hours of walk-ins a week. (A week!) It's not free. It's on a sliding scale, so I'm going to get dinged for something or other, but this is the absolute best you can do here. There's no free MH lunch in Canada. Not so much as a Jell-o. But at least it's a start. A walk-in I can handle. Assuming I can get there because it's all the way across the ****ing city and I can't get on a bus without having a panic attack. (Or an uge to lie down in front of it.) But I have an address and a date and a follow-up call to see how it went (if I decide to go).

But apparently I've said something flaggy. Ruh-roh! (It was 'self-destruct' that did it. Stupid mistake, but I was nervous.)

She keeps me on the phone for an additional half-hour. I have to quickly skim through a bunch of my problems (because everything is interconnected and you can't understand one part of me without knowing something about the other part) and as I'm doing so, she becomes increasingly alarmed. I have to reassure her, multiple times, that I have no immediate plans to play pope-on-a-rope and that I'm not going to go dingo and eat somebody's baby. Finally, she decides I'm no immediate danger to self or others and lets me go with an attaboy.

I'm proud of amazed at myself for taking this step. And now I feel like throwing up and probably won't sleep for a week.
That's interesting, I had a similar experience years ago where I ended up having to reassure them on the phone that I wasn't going to immediately kill myself and that was when I was less unstable.

Well done for calling them though.
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post #52 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Congrats on your courage.
Thanks.

Wasn't courage, really. Just sheer desperation. I think I've pretty much exhausted my own resources.

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That's interesting, I had a similar experience years ago where I ended up having to reassure them on the phone that I wasn't going to immediately kill myself and that was when I was less unstable.

Well done for calling them though.
I think they have to make sure if you give them any reason to think otherwise. I knew that going in, but I'm bad on the phone and I can't edit my speech before pressing send the way I can edit my forum posts.

And thanks.

Edit: Sorry if you guys got a double notification. SAS screwed up.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #53 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 01:19 PM
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Sorry to hear about all the trouble. We all matter including you Truant.

"It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. There's no escaping that."
Stephen Colbert
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post #54 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-10-2019, 01:01 AM
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I have a job idea, dunno if you can do or find one, but what about simple jobs like basic assembly line? You don't talk to anyone there, unlike retail. Some are sedentary, I seen videos of chinese factories. They just sit and do one thing over and over and don't even socialize. It seems like the sorta job that would be good for SA people.
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post #55 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry to hear about all the trouble. We all matter including you Truant.
Thanks, Musicfan.

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I have a job idea, dunno if you can do or find one, but what about simple jobs like basic assembly line? You don't talk to anyone there, unlike retail. Some are sedentary, I seen videos of chinese factories. They just sit and do one thing over and over and don't even socialize. It seems like the sorta job that would be good for SA people.
Not sure there are many of those jobs that aren't overseas now. It would be nice if there were work from home jobs that didn't involve sales and that paid a living wage. But I'm pretty sure most of those disappeared during the Industrial Revolution (if they even existed). Almost all the jobs here are service and sales-oriented.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #56 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 08:41 PM Thread Starter
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Another Update


Had my very first visit with a therapist today. I almost didn't go, because I got absolutely no sleep and felt insanely anxious about it. But I sucked it up and forced myself to do it. Don't really have many options at this point.

Hour wait (which is pretty good for a walk-in clinic), 10-minute intake, 90-minute session, sliding scale, so they only charged me $15. Woot! That's way less than I expected.

Therapist brought up PTSD* and is trying to get approval for additional sessions that won't require massive expenditures on my part. I didn't even get through all of my problems. A lot of stuff was only mentioned in passing. She seemed pretty nice, but I did like 95% of the talking, so.

*Always thought this was the best fit so far as my symptoms go. Now if only I could explain how I got it.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #57 of 69 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 01:25 AM
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Thanks, Musicfan.


Not sure there are many of those jobs that aren't overseas now. It would be nice if there were work from home jobs that didn't involve sales and that paid a living wage. But I'm pretty sure most of those disappeared during the Industrial Revolution (if they even existed). Almost all the jobs here are service and sales-oriented.
There are many types of office jobs where you just sit on your tooshie all day. Some don't require much education.
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post #58 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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There are many types of office jobs where you just sit on your tooshie all day. Some don't require much education.
Sitting's a problem for me, too. Maybe they'll let me have one of those standing desks.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #59 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Told my therapist that if going back to retail was my only option, and that I had nothing else to look forward to, I'd probably just kill myself. Don't think she liked that much, but it's true. When your life gets to a certain point, it's just not worth living.

I'd need 2 or 3 retail jobs to make enough to cover my expenses, since most of those jobs are probably only going to give me about 10 hours a week. And it would probably take me years to get that many jobs and I'd probably lose my house by then anyway. And I still wouldn't have health insurance.

All that running around, riding buses, juggling jobs, dealing with customers who treat you like ****, bosses who treat you like ****, because they all think you're a freak, in pain all the time, dealing with migraines and vertigo, just so that you can come home and spend all night feeling like you need to puke, not get any sleep, and then do it all over again.

Surely people can understand that. I mean, I'm not looking for handouts. I don't think anyone should get stuck paying my bills. I just want someone to help me make a nice easy exit. (I didn't tell her that, though.)

Might be different if I had someone to live for, but I don't and I never will.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #60 of 69 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 02:04 AM
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Told my therapist that if going back to retail was my only option, and that I had nothing else to look forward to, I'd probably just kill myself. Don't think she liked that much, but it's true. When your life gets to a certain point, it's just not worth living.

I'd need 2 or 3 retail jobs to make enough to cover my expenses, since most of those jobs are probably only going to give me about 10 hours a week. And it would probably take me years to get that many jobs and I'd probably lose my house by then anyway. And I still wouldn't have health insurance.
You know what might be amazing for you Truant, an at home customer service job. Only via phone and computer. It's hard to find a good legit one, but they are definitely out there. Usually large, well known companies need reps. Like American Express is always hiring remote customer service agents and with your experience in retail and sales you may be a shoo in. I've heard the pay is pretty good, plus bonuses, all from the comfort of your own home.

And I wonder if your therapist can set you up with a career counselor. Sometimes others may see options or have connections that we have no idea even exist. Good luck to you!

Edit- idk why that post reads so perky. I'm in hr 12 of a 16 hr shift. I think I've become delirious. Pray for me. Any deity will do. Dealer's choice.

Miles to go before I sleep. Vale.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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