How ****ing Awful Is My Life
Been about a year since I did one of these. It's just a long list of complaints, so feel free to ignore it. I just need to vent periodically.
Currently having some health problems. And by health problems I mean, I feel like my entire intestinal tract is dissolving in battery acid. I fluctuate between "discomfort" and "wow, that ****ing hurt" when I get those odd sharp twinges (that I really hope have nothing to do with fistulas). I am constantly cramped and constipated, despite massive intakes of water and fiber. I can no longer sit for more than a few minutes without discomfort, which makes working on my computer really hard (I work from home as a writer). Even lying down is uncomfortable. There are more horrifying elements, but I'll spare you the details.
The inflammation affecting my intestinal tract seems to have spread, such that I now experience a burning sensation over most of my skin and get odd gnawing or stabbing pains at random points all over my body. This is all stress-related, because my stress level is through the ****ing roof all the time. (Stress -> cortisol -> inflammation ... next step, cancer.)
I've been waiting to hear back from the hospital to schedule my colonoscopy (tmi?) for about six weeks now. Which, apparently, is a normal wait time. I have found a drug (Low Dose Naltrexone) which sounds like it will probably help, but I can't get a prescription because using it to treat colitis is off-label. I don't have a family doctor because none of the doctors in my area are accepting new patients. I've been on a provincial waiting list for 3 months now. I also discovered that you can't get referrals to psychiatrists through clinics, so I'm trying to solve that problem as well, since I'm going ****ing insane.
Related: I have no health insurance, so I can't afford dental (my teeth need several thousand dollars worth of work, since they're all falling apart), eye care (I needed a new prescription like 15 years ago, but glasses are outside my budget), therapy (have to pay out of pocket for that, can't get hormones without it), or prescription medication (also out of pocket). I don't qualify for any kind of assistance. (Disability is almost impossible to get here for MH problems.)
To pay my bills (which, spoiler, I can't even remotely do) I have to work all the time. I work 365 days a year, and have been for about 7 years now, because I literally cannot afford to take days off. I should be working 16 hour days, but with all my problems, my ability to focus has been all but obliterated, so I'm lucky if I can manage a few hours. (Which is why I'm posting this instead of working.) So my income is going down, month after month and I live in constant dread of being homeless.
Why not just get a regular job you ask? Well, because I was denied a student loan, so I couldn't get any post-secondary and the only thing I'm qualified for is retail. And working retail is what led to the health problem which is currently killing me. Retail is hell on me, because of my OCD and my gender-related issues. Also, I can't drive, and I can't use heavy machinery or power tools, because of my vertigo (I can just manage walking without falling over, usually). My resume is pretty terrible, I have no references (since my previous employers have gone out of business), and I don't interview very well (because everyone can see that I'm a ****ing weirdo). This is why I work from home.
Ofc, most of these problems are a direct consequence of being trans. Especially since I grew up in the 80s, when no one had even heard of transgender people and my MH got completely trashed through internalized self-hatred and bullying. My dysphoria is pretty consistently bad because I can't afford to transition (and I wouldn't pass anyway) and I have some weird kind of disassociation/depersonalization that creates extreme mental discomfort/alienation re my voice and appearance. I can't even voice chat or share pictures with my best friend because I literally get panic attacks when I do. (Which is why none of you have ever seen my face.) Needless to say, I couldn't get a date if I tried, because I'm too old, too trans, and just too ****ing ugly. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't care about being in a relationship, but the loneliness itself is enough to kill me at times.
On top of that, I have OCD. Mostly about hurting myself or other people, or about being hurt by other people. I have all kinds of intrusive thoughts about, for example, being pushed in front of cars, or pushing someone else in front of a car (the number of ways to kill or be killed is infinite). This is one of the reasons I never came out, since I didn't want to take this already significant problem and make it even worse by painting a big bullseye on my back. The OCD is more manageable at home, where I'm not around other people, but even there it's a problem for me because I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about suicide (suicidal ideation).
Other problems I can't be arsed to explain in detail: tinnitus (which can drive me crazy at times), TMJ, migraines (which can incapacitate me for whole days), various phobias (spiders, heights, bears, lightning), occasional hallucinations ("the bees" -- see my blog), and my house falling apart (plumbing, electrical, etc., repairs I can't afford to make).
Ofc, all this worry about my health, being homeless, being a target of violence and discrimination, etc., means I'm constantly on-edge and unable to relax. I can't really enjoy anything because I'm too stressed, I can't take breaks because not working makes me more anxious than working, and I can't sleep (insomnia). Even when I do manage to get to sleep, I have terrible nightmares most nights. (Someone -- or something -- is almost always trying to kill me.)
Social support IRL is non-existent (I have one IRL friend I see about 2-3x a year for brunch) and my family is no help because everybody in my family is ****ing crazy (literally; they've all been diagnosed with at least one disorder). Interacting with any of them just makes me feel even worse.
With all of this, and nothing to look forward to in the future, how can I not feel completely hopeless and pessimistic? The single most miraculous thing about my life is that I haven't killed myself yet. And even I can't explain that.
So yeah. This is why I'm not posting much these days. I apologize if I've missed replying to anyone. I just can't hack it a lot of the time.
For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?