How ****ing Awful Is My Life - Social Anxiety Forum
Reply
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-12-2019, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding

How ****ing Awful Is My Life


Been about a year since I did one of these. It's just a long list of complaints, so feel free to ignore it. I just need to vent periodically.

Currently having some health problems. And by health problems I mean, I feel like my entire intestinal tract is dissolving in battery acid. I fluctuate between "discomfort" and "wow, that ****ing hurt" when I get those odd sharp twinges (that I really hope have nothing to do with fistulas). I am constantly cramped and constipated, despite massive intakes of water and fiber. I can no longer sit for more than a few minutes without discomfort, which makes working on my computer really hard (I work from home as a writer). Even lying down is uncomfortable. There are more horrifying elements, but I'll spare you the details.

The inflammation affecting my intestinal tract seems to have spread, such that I now experience a burning sensation over most of my skin and get odd gnawing or stabbing pains at random points all over my body. This is all stress-related, because my stress level is through the ****ing roof all the time. (Stress -> cortisol -> inflammation ... next step, cancer.)

I've been waiting to hear back from the hospital to schedule my colonoscopy (tmi?) for about six weeks now. Which, apparently, is a normal wait time. I have found a drug (Low Dose Naltrexone) which sounds like it will probably help, but I can't get a prescription because using it to treat colitis is off-label. I don't have a family doctor because none of the doctors in my area are accepting new patients. I've been on a provincial waiting list for 3 months now. I also discovered that you can't get referrals to psychiatrists through clinics, so I'm trying to solve that problem as well, since I'm going ****ing insane.

Related: I have no health insurance, so I can't afford dental (my teeth need several thousand dollars worth of work, since they're all falling apart), eye care (I needed a new prescription like 15 years ago, but glasses are outside my budget), therapy (have to pay out of pocket for that, can't get hormones without it), or prescription medication (also out of pocket). I don't qualify for any kind of assistance. (Disability is almost impossible to get here for MH problems.)

To pay my bills (which, spoiler, I can't even remotely do) I have to work all the time. I work 365 days a year, and have been for about 7 years now, because I literally cannot afford to take days off. I should be working 16 hour days, but with all my problems, my ability to focus has been all but obliterated, so I'm lucky if I can manage a few hours. (Which is why I'm posting this instead of working.) So my income is going down, month after month and I live in constant dread of being homeless.

Why not just get a regular job you ask? Well, because I was denied a student loan, so I couldn't get any post-secondary and the only thing I'm qualified for is retail. And working retail is what led to the health problem which is currently killing me. Retail is hell on me, because of my OCD and my gender-related issues. Also, I can't drive, and I can't use heavy machinery or power tools, because of my vertigo (I can just manage walking without falling over, usually). My resume is pretty terrible, I have no references (since my previous employers have gone out of business), and I don't interview very well (because everyone can see that I'm a ****ing weirdo). This is why I work from home.

Ofc, most of these problems are a direct consequence of being trans. Especially since I grew up in the 80s, when no one had even heard of transgender people and my MH got completely trashed through internalized self-hatred and bullying. My dysphoria is pretty consistently bad because I can't afford to transition (and I wouldn't pass anyway) and I have some weird kind of disassociation/depersonalization that creates extreme mental discomfort/alienation re my voice and appearance. I can't even voice chat or share pictures with my best friend because I literally get panic attacks when I do. (Which is why none of you have ever seen my face.) Needless to say, I couldn't get a date if I tried, because I'm too old, too trans, and just too ****ing ugly. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't care about being in a relationship, but the loneliness itself is enough to kill me at times.

On top of that, I have OCD. Mostly about hurting myself or other people, or about being hurt by other people. I have all kinds of intrusive thoughts about, for example, being pushed in front of cars, or pushing someone else in front of a car (the number of ways to kill or be killed is infinite). This is one of the reasons I never came out, since I didn't want to take this already significant problem and make it even worse by painting a big bullseye on my back. The OCD is more manageable at home, where I'm not around other people, but even there it's a problem for me because I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about suicide (suicidal ideation).

Other problems I can't be arsed to explain in detail: tinnitus (which can drive me crazy at times), TMJ, migraines (which can incapacitate me for whole days), various phobias (spiders, heights, bears, lightning), occasional hallucinations ("the bees" -- see my blog), and my house falling apart (plumbing, electrical, etc., repairs I can't afford to make).

Ofc, all this worry about my health, being homeless, being a target of violence and discrimination, etc., means I'm constantly on-edge and unable to relax. I can't really enjoy anything because I'm too stressed, I can't take breaks because not working makes me more anxious than working, and I can't sleep (insomnia). Even when I do manage to get to sleep, I have terrible nightmares most nights. (Someone -- or something -- is almost always trying to kill me.)

Social support IRL is non-existent (I have one IRL friend I see about 2-3x a year for brunch) and my family is no help because everybody in my family is ****ing crazy (literally; they've all been diagnosed with at least one disorder). Interacting with any of them just makes me feel even worse.

With all of this, and nothing to look forward to in the future, how can I not feel completely hopeless and pessimistic? The single most miraculous thing about my life is that I haven't killed myself yet. And even I can't explain that.

So yeah. This is why I'm not posting much these days. I apologize if I've missed replying to anyone. I just can't hack it a lot of the time.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-12-2019, 11:13 PM
SAS Member
 
green9206's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Not a happy place
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,820
Just remember one phrase "This too shall pass".

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
green9206 is offline  
post #3 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 12:49 AM
occasionally lesbian NRx
 
Persephone The Dread's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: I've come to burn your kingdom down one ****post at a time
Language: Eng (UK,) 下手な日本語
Posts: 36,905
Damn that is several people's worth of problems. I'm sorry.

My dad had some similar health issues I think but slightly less severe sounding (don't think he mentioned pain all over his body,) but he had to have a colonoscopy. I think it took a while to set up too but can't remember how long now, and then they kind of messed up communication towards the end so I still don't know what happened with that because I think he was supposed to be referred for more tests or something that didn't happen? And I don't think he knows either :/ but it's been a few years and I think the problem resolved itself. At least the symptoms seem to be gone for now.

I hope it's nothing serious and your symptoms will improve over time.
Persephone The Dread is offline  
 
post #4 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 01:04 AM
SAS Member
 
harrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 13,864
Sorry to hear all that @truant - needless to say hopefully you can find out what's causing the physical problems first with the colonoscopy. I had a scare last year with my prostate (also I suspect tmi but it's too late) , health problems are scary.

I wish I could send you over some of my migraine tablets. Haven't been having any migraines for a while because the Sodium Valproate I take seems to stop them. (I take it for mania though) - it's used for a number of things. I also have lots of Sumatriptan - that's what I actually take if I get a migraine - you take it at the start of one and they are great. Used to be very expensive here (30 dollars per tablet) but are now on the Gov thing, so I get lots of them to make sure. Wonder if I would be allowed to post some over?
harrison is offline  
post #5 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 01:28 AM
☆ Moderator ☆
 
Silent Memory's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Posts: 6,899
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. All of it sounds horrible for you. My dad was on a waiting list for nine months, which was in the “urgent” category. Hopefully it’s much faster for you so you’ll be able to feel better once they can treat it, and it’s nothing serious.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Silent Memory is online now  
post #6 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 02:39 AM
In Liquidation
 
Blue Dino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,147
Sorry to hear. I hope things better eventually. Just try to address each of them step by step, in increments. You will tough it out.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.

If I fail to adapt to the fault of others, it is my fault.
Blue Dino is offline  
post #7 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 05:34 AM
I Am Second
 
Kevin001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: USA ~ Louisiana
Language: American
Gender: Male
Age: 29
Posts: 56,173
My Mood: Inspired

~ How can I build Your kingdom if I'm building my own
How can You be my treasure if I'm digging for gold
How can You be my fire if my heart has grown cold
How can You be my future if I've made this my home ~ Love & the Outcome
Kevin001 is offline  
post #8 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 07:49 AM
Not A Low Calorie Food
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 28,417
My Mood: Relaxed
@truant



Every nightmare is unique but some of these things definitely are easy to relate to. Sometimes it's hard not to feel cursed when it just seems like everything is wrong.

/WYSD
WillYouStopDave is offline  
post #9 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 03:50 PM
Irreversibly Invisible
 
firestar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Gender: Female
Age: 32
Posts: 4,392
My Mood: Pensive
That sucks. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
firestar is offline  
post #10 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 04:30 PM
SAS Member
 
Chris S W's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Posts: 581
Your life does sound awful, truant. I'm sorry that you suffer. I hope you'll be able to cross some of these complaints (like your health problems) off the list, at least.
Chris S W is offline  
post #11 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 06:10 PM
Zodiac Sign: LEO!!!
 
KILOBRAVO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: The United of the Kindoms!
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,755
My Mood: Angelic
. It's so sad you have such a sh!t-ton of problems, mostly health ones. I sincerely hope that at least some of these problems get better for you.

What's causing your vertigo? Is it intermittent or constant? do you fail a Romberg test? Ismit better lying or sitting? Does changes in posture or head position make it worse? Could it be anxiety-based or depression-based dizziness? Do you have vestibular problems or menieres? Is it like a tension headache with "brain fog" with the disorientation?

Waiting for a beam to break through here,
A chain-way vision bright and clear,
This must be it,
Longed for Bliss,
First it was so quiet and now I know I am not alone in here.

___________
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down. I gotta keep on moovin!

If you can read this, you must look at my profile page. I like people who have attention to detail, and curiosity. Have a look, the lion's torso is on diplay :-p
KILOBRAVO is offline  
post #12 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 06:45 PM
Changeless
 
kesker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Ricola
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,645
My Mood: Worried
I'm sorry you're suffering so. I really hope, at least, a doctor becomes available for you so you can, perhaps, try the medication you spoke of. Sending good vibes. Hugsz.

...you gotta keep the goal in mind, develop tunnel vision to a certain extent. it's hard, and it's not for everyone.

~bad baby

"Daisy, may I ask why you're holding Miss Sybil's biscuit jar?"
kesker is offline  
post #13 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by green9206 View Post
Just remember one phrase "This too shall pass".
Well, yeah. We all die eventually.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #14 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
Damn that is several people's worth of problems. I'm sorry.

My dad had some similar health issues I think but slightly less severe sounding (don't think he mentioned pain all over his body,) but he had to have a colonoscopy. I think it took a while to set up too but can't remember how long now, and then they kind of messed up communication towards the end so I still don't know what happened with that because I think he was supposed to be referred for more tests or something that didn't happen? And I don't think he knows either :/ but it's been a few years and I think the problem resolved itself. At least the symptoms seem to be gone for now.

I hope it's nothing serious and your symptoms will improve over time.
My luck is so predictably awful other people have often commented on it. Neuropathic pain is a common side-effect of autoimmune disorders, which GI disorders (controversially) fall under. So I think my condition is just deteriorating.

I had a scope several years ago, and I was supposed to follow that up every couple of years, but I haven't had any problem until recently. My stress has been crazy for the last year or so, though, so I'm hardly surprised. Chronic stress is incredibly toxic. Hope your dad stays well.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #15 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by harrison View Post
Sorry to hear all that @truant - needless to say hopefully you can find out what's causing the physical problems first with the colonoscopy. I had a scare last year with my prostate (also I suspect tmi but it's too late) , health problems are scary.

I wish I could send you over some of my migraine tablets. Haven't been having any migraines for a while because the Sodium Valproate I take seems to stop them. (I take it for mania though) - it's used for a number of things. I also have lots of Sumatriptan - that's what I actually take if I get a migraine - you take it at the start of one and they are great. Used to be very expensive here (30 dollars per tablet) but are now on the Gov thing, so I get lots of them to make sure. Wonder if I would be allowed to post some over?
Well, I take Advil designed for migraines, and it helps a little. But it depends on how soon you catch it (like you said). The problem is, I often get them when I'm asleep (they make my dreams even crazier and more vivid) so by the time I wake up, it's too late to do anything about it. My migraines aren't as bad as some people's, though. (Thank God.) I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure about the logistics of sending drugs internationally in the mail and don't want anyone getting in trouble, lol.

I know I have ulcerative colitis, because I've already been diagnosed, it's more a matter of how far it's spread (ie. do I have Crohn's now, too?) and whether or not it's become cancerous. All they do is cut out yards of intestine, which isn't a cure at all. They'll just have to keep cutting it out. The LDN (allegedly) actually heals the intestinal lining, so I'm going to push for that. If I have to walk around with a colostomy I'm just going to kill myself. I have enough problems. Ain't nobody got time for that.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #16 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent Memory View Post
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. All of it sounds horrible for you. My dad was on a waiting list for nine months, which was in the “urgent” category. Hopefully it’s much faster for you so you’ll be able to feel better once they can treat it, and it’s nothing serious.
Yeah, nine months sounds about right. When I told the receptionist at the clinic I'd been waiting about 6 weeks for a callback she didn't even bat an eyelash. Told me it could be a while yet. And that's just to tell me when my appointment is. Who knows when I get the actual testing. I'll be surprised if it's before the end of November.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #17 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Dino View Post
Sorry to hear. I hope things better eventually. Just try to address each of them step by step, in increments. You will tough it out.
Thanks. Pretty much all I do is try to fix my problems. Hasn't seemed to do me much good, so far. But what else can you do?

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #18 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin001 View Post

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #19 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
@truant



Every nightmare is unique but some of these things definitely are easy to relate to. Sometimes it's hard not to feel cursed when it just seems like everything is wrong.


Yeah, cursed sums it up. Sometimes I feel like the whole universe is conspiring to make sure I have a Very Bad Time. Failing hard it just about every category. Financially, socially, romantically, psychologically, and physically. I'm the Little Engine Who Couldn't and just haven't realized it yet.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
post #20 of 69 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 09:14 PM Thread Starter
Merry Effing Christmas
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 47
Posts: 9,076
My Mood: Brooding
Quote:
Originally Posted by firestar View Post
That sucks. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you.
Thanks, me too.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
truant is offline  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome