How does an adult make friends? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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How does an adult make friends?


I feel like everyone already has friends and they don't need 1 more. Is this a rational thought? How can I make friends? I have a few acquaintances but I'm unsure of how to make them my friends. Help? I think its strange that none of them ever ask me to be their friends. I guess they don't want me in their lives as much as I want them to be a part of mine :\. If I can make friends then girls won't think I'm a freak either.
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:23 PM
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Go to different places such as the supermarket, bookstore, school, or even a bus stop and start a convo. Also if you have any hobbies look places where people have the same hobbies. If you have stuff in common let them ask for your number or try to meet up with them. Also i dnt think people ask to be your friend it sort of just happens, when you hang out a lot.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:24 PM
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'Asking' isn't part of the friendship equation. You have to form a rapport, make conversation, and get together. Talk to these acquaintances more, get to know them. Find out what interests them, people generally love to talk about themselves. Expecting people to come to you isn't realistic. You put forth effort, and those worth being friends with do the same.


"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be. Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap."
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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I can talk to these people (sometimes) but thats it. I would like to be able to go to the next time which means hanging out. I'm not sure how to go about bringing that up though. I guess I'm over thinking this...
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:28 PM
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Very hard as an adult. The Friendship thing kinda wears off after high school and college. That is the socializing peak. All my friends now i met in high school or community college. Other than that i hav e no idea to make friends other than if you get lucky and run into someone at the super market and you hit it off.
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
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Co-workers seems to be my only option. I'm not in school anymore and my "friends" seemed to have moved on (They hung out with each other outside of school and I just talked to them in school). I feel like I have to accept that I won't have friends. The only reason I really want them is to be introduced to female friends of my friends and potentially get a girlfriend out of the deal (Since I don't approach strangers and ask them out on dates).
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:40 PM
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And if all goes according to plan, and a girlfriend is obtained, are you going to ditch these "friends" since they are no longer needed?
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:44 PM Thread Starter
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I'm mixed about that. I'm really comfortable with being alone. But I would like to go with someone to see a baseball game or play video games with somebody. I probably wouldn't be a good friend because I would only want to hang out when its convenient for me. I'm really selfish...
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:45 PM
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That's not why you should want friends anyways man. Friends are not obtained like that; you become friends with someone because you like and respect each other. It's natural and usually without effort.

And not all girls would care if you have friends or not. Maybe you could find a girl that doesn't have or only has a few friends herself. I'm sure their are many couples that are together with very limited social circles.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:50 PM Thread Starter
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Well I'm on a dating site and all the women on it are "outgoing" and enjoy "hanging out with friends." I feel like I need friends to be able to date them. I don't want to be thought of as a freak because I have no friends. I believe people assume their is something wrong with you if no one wants to hang out with you.
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:55 PM
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Well your totally right in the assumption, most people do make that call.

However you should keep in mind that almost every single person on a site like that is going to include "Hanging out with friends" "Parties woot woot!" "Going out!" and whatever, it's a standard line that people think of when their told to list there interests. It don't mean that they ALL really want to constantly be going on; why would they be on dating sites themselves if they had hugely outgoing lives? (No offence, I'm just saying.)

If your really only looking for a woman and not a friend then I think you should just concentrate on that. Don't go trying to make friends with people with a secret agenda, that would not only be a waste of time for both of you but stupid. I mean really, even if you made some fake friendships what do you think would happen when you hung out with your girl around them? Would you really even enjoy that, lol?
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 08:59 PM Thread Starter
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I guess I need to change how I think about myself. For example, when I'm in the break room, all my co-workers play with their phones. I just sit there and eat my food. I feel like I'm not normal because I'm not texting or talking to people like they are. I think having friends and hanging out would give me more success with women because it'll give me better social skills. I want to learn how to have conversation with people (My mind is almost always blank or I answer with one word responses).
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:05 PM
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Why don't you volunteer somewhere? Ideally a place that pertains to one of your interests. You like baseball. Call up a local field/park and ask if they are in need of volunteers. Look in your local paper. There's everything from art exhibits, to open mics (you could just observe). Also: http://www.meetup.com

Such activities would put you amidst others with similar interests, and you can practice socializing.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:07 PM
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Hum humm... well then maybe you do really want some friends!

Do you like to drink? I know this is a pretty typical response but I've always found that going out for drinks is a great way to meet people. Back when my SA was really bad the only way I could even meet + be comftorable around people was when I was drinking; it sucks to admit but without substances I could very well still be living like a hermit.

And your totally right man. You really would benefit from friends in that regard! They'll FORCE you to open up your world a bit and think a lot more! It's like those statistics that show how babies that get lots of attention from other people are smarter and think more then the babies that get no attention; I'm convinced that this is forever.

Social skills are just like everything else, so ya if you practice with friends you'll get better with girls to!
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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I don't drink and I'm not comfortable in bars (I feel out of place in them). I need to find people with similar interests as me but then I still don't know how to turn them into friends. I know they won't ask me to hang out with them so that puts the pressure on me...

I guess I do want friends but mainly to serve my purpose. They are a tool for me to improve myself and for that, I feel lame.

Maybe I should volunteer, it'll put away the focus on myself and that'll do me a lot of good. I spend all day worrying about myself, complaining about myself, and thinking about myself. It's really depressing.
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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:18 PM
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Yeah you should totally volunteer, that was a really good idea. Especially since if you got lucky and met a girl there you would not only have a topic to talk about but you would know she is probably a good girl!

And don't think like that man! I use to say the same things; only I actually TOLD my friends at the time that was how I "felt" about them. Like I said how I was "using them" and they were "using me" for our social connection and what-not... they did not seem to understand and got REALLY pissed, lol.

But yeah point being EVERYONE uses eachother! You shouldn't feel lame; you will use them for emotional comfort and furthering yourself just like they will use you. It's a give and take thing.
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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:19 PM
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Volunteering sounds like a good idea.

At my age, it's the same situation. People are already set in their lives and could careless to be friends with me. I have found that people my age only seek to make additional friends if and only if that "friend" is someone that can benefit them financially somehow. Otherwise, they could give an "F" to hangout with me.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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Now I got to find places to volunteer that has the greatest number of women. Any ideas?
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:38 PM
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Stop putting up limitations. You said yourself that friends would enable you to socialize more, now you are more concerned with volunteering in an environment overflowing with women. Why don't you work on your social skills by doing something you like? Women will be around, there just might not be a guaranteed plethora of them. If your conversation skills are typically comprised of one word responses, well, the ladies don't really stick around waiting for maturity to set in.
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 06-18-2011, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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The only thing I really think of when I see female strangers is "Oh baby." I got to figure out how to make connections with people. So I must put myself in situations where I have something in common with folks.
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